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Called off the wedding


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Old 17th February 2017, 10:03 AM   #1
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Called off the wedding

My fiance and I are both in our 40's. We were due to get married this year. It was all booked, flights, venue, dress bought, the lot.

A few weeks ago he called the wedding off. He has a couple of properties and wants to leave them all to his sisters two children, but on visiting a lawyer two weeks ago, he was told that if we are married, everything will automatically go to me in the event of his death. For that reason he said he cannot marry me, because he wants to make sure that they are entitled to his estate. I have a daughter from a previous relationship and he said that my house will eventually go to her and he doesn't think it fair that she should inherit his as well.

So the weddings off, the dress is sitting in the shop half paid for and the engagement ring is back in its box. I am pretty devastated at this turn of events. I haven't told any of my colleagues in work, just close friends. Everyone was so excitted for me getting married and people are still asking me about our plans. I 'm having to lie to everyone because I'm just not ready to tell anyone.

My ex fiance does not get how upset I am. He wants us to continue how we are, ie, me living in my house and him in his and he will stay with me during the week. He says I am destroying us by constantly bringing up how hurt and disappointed I am. Incidentally, his mother cautioned him a few months ago when we got engaged, that he was mad to marry me because I had a daughter and would be looking out for our interests. It couldn't be further from the truth. I work and have my own house. I told him I wanted to end the relationship and he said obviously I had been after him for what I would get if I wasn't prepared to stay with him if the wedding was off.

I am absolutely torn. We are plodding along in this limbo now. He has stayed in my house since he dropped this bombshell. He has told me I would be cutting off my nose to spite my face if I end things, as we have a "great thing going". He says he loves me more than anything in the world, but how can he if he is not prepared to put me first. I wanted to marry him because I loved him and wasn't even considering the legal implications. To me a marriage is a partnership and its not about "my stuff" and "your stuff". I just can't get my head around the fact that he has put property and money ahead of me.

Am I being unreasonable ?

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 17th February 2017 at 1:08 PM.. Reason: paragraphs ~6
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Old 17th February 2017, 10:10 AM   #2
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That doesn't make any sense. If the only issue is his property sign a prenup that covers his concerns. If he still wants to call it off it has to be something else.
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Old 17th February 2017, 10:26 AM   #3
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My country doesn't recognise prenups. Any agreements signed would be overturned. We've looked into it.
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Old 17th February 2017, 12:23 PM   #4
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My country doesn't recognise prenups. Any agreements signed would be overturned. We've looked into it.
Once you're married, couldn't the two of you draft a will disposing of assets as you see fit?

Regardless, no motivated partner let's a problem that will occur 50 years from now keep him from marrying you today. I'm sorry parsnips, but this isn't really why he's called things off. While this technicality may be the excuse, something else is the reason...

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Old 17th February 2017, 1:06 PM   #5
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Ask the lawyer for a way around it. If he dies even if the law said you get everything, once it's yours you can give it to his kids. I know your promise to do that isn't binding but maybe it will give him peace of mind.
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Old 17th February 2017, 1:08 PM   #6
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Hugs, parsnips.

Sending love and comfort through this very difficult and draining experience.
Quote:
Originally Posted by parsnips View Post
He says I am destroying us
No...HE did that all by his unreasonable self.

Staying with him after knowing this side of him -- where he is blaming you and trying to manipulate you (by saying that leaving would be against your own best interest) -- might not be tenable.

He has put his nieces and his sister and property and money ahead of you (and your daughter). And, it seems now that he will never marry you...because this 'reason'
that he has given you will always exist.

You are NOT being unreasonable to want to end it altogether.
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Old 17th February 2017, 1:17 PM   #7
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I'm so sorry. Your ex needs to move out so that you can heal.
He wants the convenience of marriage without the emotional and financial obligations.
Tell him that he needs to leave. Serve him with papers if necessary. Break the news to your family and friends so that you can obtain the support you deserve from your loved ones.
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Old 17th February 2017, 2:05 PM   #8
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I'm so sorry. Your ex needs to move out so that you can heal.
He wants the convenience of marriage without the emotional and financial obligations.

Seriously? It sounds like he had notable property that he had before her and wants to make sure it goes to his family, as it should if that is what he wants, it belongs to him. He owns it. He worked for it....it is his. It's pretty bad to blame someone for not wanting to have the financial obligation of marriage when that person is the one that actually has the financial obligation.


I went through this when I was engaged. She moved in, I paid for the house, I paid for food for her and her kids, I paid her last two months rent, I paid all moving costs, I paid all bills, I bought a car and paid for the insurance for her to drive exclusively. Despite working she paid nothing, provided no payments, had 0 financial obligations. If I had married her she would be entitled to a good portion. Why? She was mad because after a year and a half when I made her move out I wouldn't let her take the car that was in my name and I was paying for, claiming after 18 months she would now find a way to make the payments when she always claimed poor. She even called the police department to see if she could take the car behind my back and keep it without her getting in trouble.


Please tell me, the guy in this situation, what convenience of marriage does he exactly get? Nothing different in the relationship than a piece of paper that says everything he owns goes to her and her daughter upon his death? What benefit is there for him to do that? What is the OPs stake in all of this? What property of the OPs would be up for grabs by his family?


In 10, 20, 30 years she could easily feel entitled to his property and not want it to go to his family. It's a very one-sided deal...if you sign this paper you give away everything you already own and worked your entire life for, to someone who may one day not want to be married to you anymore and has no obligation to your family.


Without a pre-nup there is all kinds of financial implications for this guy but no real benefit other than a piece of paper provided by the state that says, "ok, you are married".
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Old 17th February 2017, 2:10 PM   #9
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That's crap ! Kick him out so he can marry his sibling s since he's more concerned Houtbthem
I don't believe this
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Old 17th February 2017, 3:23 PM   #10
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It sounds like some people's definition of love is:


Him: I will give you everything I own to prove my love to you.
Her: I will take everything you own to prove my love to you.


Me: Nope.
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Old 17th February 2017, 3:56 PM   #11
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Am I being unreasonable ?
nope.

look, everyone has their own definition of love - you have YOURS and do not ANYONE tell you it's wrong. from my point of view: it doesn't look like love to me. it probably isn't love but rather comfortable habit... that's how it is, usually... and in cases like these - it so often happens that men meet someone new, they marry in a HEARTBEAT and you're left with a huge WTF over your head.

dump him. there is no future in the relationship and i think you know that, deep down - very well.
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Old 17th February 2017, 4:02 PM   #12
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I think he genuinely loves you. I also think he cares about his family & wants to provide for them. You care about your daughter too.


What changes if you don't marry but carry on as you have been? I get it; it's more than a piece of paper. But it's this nutty law that is screwing everything up not him. Can you advocate to have the law changed?
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Old 17th February 2017, 4:17 PM   #13
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a couple of things stood out to me:

Quote:
Originally Posted by parsnips View Post
He says I am destroying us by constantly bringing up how hurt and disappointed I am.
Quote:
I told him I wanted to end the relationship and he said obviously I had been after him for what I would get if I wasn't prepared to stay with him if the wedding was off.
^ this is EXTREMELY manipulative. you're dostroying YOU, as a couple (according to him) - because your feelings got hurt...? and he doesn't want to discuss it because it bothers HIM? it's like this: shut up, i'm not really interested in your pain & point of view, YOUR feelings and sadness is upsetting to ME so... you know, just keep it away.

ALSO:

Quote:
He has told me I would be cutting off my nose to spite my face if I end things, as we have a "great thing going".
another manipulation - take what i'm offering you because you're not getting anything better.

yeah... i'm sorry. this just isn't the man you thought he was. you dumped him already - stick with it. at the end of the day, you're unhappy and no one can convince you that this is a good situation for you OR that you should settle. if you're not happy now - you won't be - and it's best to leave.

Last edited by minimariah; 17th February 2017 at 4:20 PM..
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Old 17th February 2017, 5:24 PM   #14
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What if that is property that has been in his family for 150 years and he wants to hand it down the same as it was handed to him? How stupid would he have to be to expose that property and basically agree to give it to the daughter via marriage certificate?


Let's say she had $2 million in property she was going to give to her daughter but if she married him his family would have claim to it, would anyone think that was a good idea for her to do?


What if her daughter doesn't get along with him? She would take his property and why should she? What if they get divorced? Loveshack threads should be a good indication of how marriages don't always last and how vindictive people wipe the other person out during a messy breakup.


It's really easy to enter in a marriage or partnership where you have nothing to lose and your partner has a lot to lose. She knows why the guy cannot marry her, without a pre-nup it is financial suicide in exchange for a written piece of paper. If she really didn't care about the property, she would understand it is important for him to pass it on to his family and would not need to be married to be in love or have a "marriage".
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Old 17th February 2017, 5:40 PM   #15
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As hurtful as the conversations have been, I understand his rationale. If I was to marry again, it would be with the understanding that my assets go to my children and his assets go to his children/family. If the law could not recognise this, I would not re-marry or cohabit. No amount of love for a partner would make it OK for my kids to miss out on their inheritance.
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