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In love, but our sex life isn't good enough


Getting Married Cold feet to pre-marital stressors--the place to discuss all the issues that come with saying "I do."

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Old 17th February 2017, 12:11 AM   #1
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Angry In love, but our sex life isn't good enough

I've been with my fiancÚ for 4 years and we have a wonderful daughter.
We have gone through some ****. He put me threw a lot, but came through and now we have a really good relationships... except, our sex life.
He works a lot of hours so I understand sometimes he's just too tired for sex.
But it's not just how frequent we have sex, it's that he never does anything outside of the box. Sometimes he's on top but most of the time I'm on top, I usually start to even get to having sex or he's behind me.
I've even done a romantic night for us where I did blind folding and was naked in the bedroom with only high heels on...
He never initiates something different. He doesn't touch me down there, he doesn't give me head, but I do all of the above and more. I love fourplay but he is more of a receiver even though he knows I like to recieve too! And Valentine's Day we were playing uno and I turned it into strip Uno and whoever won got a favor from the other person. So I won, and of course I get nothing. Instead I grinded on him and did all he wanted and rode the **** out of him. And two days later when I'm on top of him while he's laying on the couch and I told him I never got my sexual favor from vday, and he just laughs it off. Like he makes sexual intimacy and keeping things fresh and exciting nearly impossible! And I've tried to talk to him about it in a nice way and I'm beginning to feel like he's only going to understand and take me serisouly if I say things harshly which I don't want to do. And even if i did that, I still doubt there would be any change smfh. I love him, he is the love of my life and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. We are engaged to be married next year, but I really have to question... intimacy and sex is important in a relationship, especially when your going to spend THE REST OF YOU LIFE WITH SOMEONE. If we are like this after 4 years, what the **** will we be after 10?! It wasn't like this at all in the beginning.
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Old 17th February 2017, 1:04 AM   #2
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could he be gay? i mean its a possibility,or low sex drive,sleeping with someone else,maybe he doesnt find you attractive anymore,or tired as u said.

maybe u should not initiate anything for a long period and see if that might get him to react? like dont try to hae sex with him unless he is the one initiating . i think that might be hard for you cos you seem like a sex driven person(in a good way) would you be able to that?
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Old 17th February 2017, 6:02 AM   #3
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Are you getting pre-marital counseling? If not please sign up for some before you tie the knot. If you can't work this out, do NOT get married. The sex will get worse, not better.
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Old 17th February 2017, 7:05 AM   #4
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He may be tired sometimes, but I guess he is just lazy, he doesn't have to do anything so he doesn't bother, and he no doubt has been brought up to believe that sex is just for the man, so your needs don't count.
YOU do everything for him, he doesn't even need to get on top, he just has to lie there...
He dismisses your concerns with a laugh...
If he will not address your concerns, then you need to rethink the whole relationship.

Also, is this a blueprint for your relationship too, ie you do everything and he just shows up...
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Old 17th February 2017, 12:59 PM   #5
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YOU do everything for him, he doesn't even need to get on top, he just has to lie there...
More_than_a_woman, you're enabling him to be a selfish and lazy jerk, a role he seems willing to play. Stop delivering sex like it was a take out pizza and start expecting him to participate.

Next time, get him worked up and then say "I'll be that feels good, I'm ready to feel the same way" - and do nothing more. You've spent 4 years training him one way, going to take some time to break bad habits. Unless he models the behavior, no treat for him ...

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Old 17th February 2017, 8:19 PM   #6
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Your situation is a version of mine. In my situation I get to be your husband. It's great if all you care about is receiving but I don't. I am not allowed to reciprocate or in my wife's terms participate. I'm sure people think I'm crazy for complaining but I want to reciprocate. It's frustrating as hell. I just discussed it with her when she got home and was met with an are you kidding me dismissive laugh. I want the access to her she has to me. I want the communication of what she wants but I get nothing there. On the flip side she excels at everything. Hands, oral and vaginal is fantastic and getting better (for me). The fact that I told her exactly what I liked did help steer her in that direction. My role is limited. I get the great hand/blow job and then intercourse in whatever position accommodates the hitachi magic wand vibrator that I bought her. She is 100% my source of almost complete satisfaction. Sex is like a 3 some with me, my wife and the vibrator. I think she said it best when I asked her if she wanted her vibrator and she said "If you want me to get anywhere". Again not the same situation as yours but I know where you're coming from in a different way.
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Old 17th February 2017, 8:33 PM   #7
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I am sorry. I am going to be snarky. But no way in hell would I marry a man who is too selfish to please me sexually.

But you already put the chart way before the horse by having a child with him before marriage. So, now your kinda stuck.

Unsatisfying sex life, or break up your family. These are your choices.

The first few year the sex should be amazing - if it started bad, I do not see it getting great. He sounds totally clueless and selfish in the sack
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Old 17th February 2017, 8:38 PM   #8
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It sounds like you're sexually incompatible. Don't marry him - move on, as there is no happy future here. Focus on coparenting well, and find someone who actually desire you and loves you.
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Old 18th February 2017, 5:11 PM   #9
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Sadly, many good comments in this discussion.

Do, go for premarital counselling. You have put the cart before the horse but do not commit to marriage if you are really unhappy with your sex life. Because, it's unlikely to get better. If you do walk down the aisle, do so with the knowledge that this is what married life will be like for you.

And yes, you have been hinting and waiting for him to come to his senses. This man needs a consequence - no more oral and no more sex until he understands that sex is a shared experience, between two people. And if he doesn't step up the plate ... well then, you have your answer.
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Old 22nd February 2017, 6:34 PM   #10
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Trick him into handcuffs on the bed and then sit on his face?

Or maybe that's just one of the fantasies I want my wife to do and I'm projecting lol.

Either way nothing is wrong with grabbing his hand and shoving it down your pants.

Oh man...that's another one of my fantasies. Dangit.

Look I want to help but I don't know thatI'm going to be able to suggest solutions that aren't also things I'd like to do lol.
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Old 22nd February 2017, 6:50 PM   #11
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So in the beginning he was fine with using his fingers and going down on you? Its not that hes afraid or insecure or freaked out by it?
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Old 22nd February 2017, 7:27 PM   #12
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Don't marry. You are not sexually compatible and being together every night is going to make him not want it at all after a while.
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Old 26th February 2017, 2:37 PM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by More_than_a_woman View Post
I've been with my fiancÚ for 4 years and we have a wonderful daughter.
We have gone through some ****. He put me threw a lot, but came through and now we have a really good relationships... except, our sex life.
He works a lot of hours so I understand sometimes he's just too tired for sex.
But it's not just how frequent we have sex, it's that he never does anything outside of the box. Sometimes he's on top but most of the time I'm on top, I usually start to even get to having sex or he's behind me.
I've even done a romantic night for us where I did blind folding and was naked in the bedroom with only high heels on...
He never initiates something different. He doesn't touch me down there, he doesn't give me head, but I do all of the above and more. I love fourplay but he is more of a receiver even though he knows I like to recieve too! And Valentine's Day we were playing uno and I turned it into strip Uno and whoever won got a favor from the other person. So I won, and of course I get nothing. Instead I grinded on him and did all he wanted and rode the **** out of him. And two days later when I'm on top of him while he's laying on the couch and I told him I never got my sexual favor from vday, and he just laughs it off. Like he makes sexual intimacy and keeping things fresh and exciting nearly impossible! And I've tried to talk to him about it in a nice way and I'm beginning to feel like he's only going to understand and take me serisouly if I say things harshly which I don't want to do. And even if i did that, I still doubt there would be any change smfh. I love him, he is the love of my life and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. We are engaged to be married next year, but I really have to question... intimacy and sex is important in a relationship, especially when your going to spend THE REST OF YOU LIFE WITH SOMEONE. If we are like this after 4 years, what the **** will we be after 10?! It wasn't like this at all in the beginning.
ITA. I talked myself into 3 other engagements because I was in love but the sex was so-so, but now that I have BOTH I can't imagine it any other way and neither can he.
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Old 1st March 2017, 4:12 AM   #14
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You say it wasn't like that in the beginning? How was it like in the beginning, and when did it change?
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Old 1st March 2017, 7:49 AM   #15
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Of course, I can only speak from my experience. But....my experience is...sex is not an ENTIRE relationship, but don't discount what a large part it is. I am just getting out of a 25 year marriage. Have two adult children. I still love her, but, to put it bluntly, she was never as horny as me. So I did the WRONG thing and cheated and got caught and that pretty much ended it. I now have a girlfriend who is MUCH more compatible in bed, and every other way.

So, I was happy with the relationship but unhappy with the sex and it caused a big problem.
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