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The Other Woman (back together after near breakup)


Getting Married Cold feet to pre-marital stressors--the place to discuss all the issues that come with saying "I do."

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Old 2nd February 2017, 6:11 PM   #1
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The Other Woman

Back story:
Yesterday my fiancee and I had an heated arguement about my asking about his exe wife-she hasn't moved on and is dependent on my fiancee..this one of many arguements caused him to pack his things and leave yesterday.

As of today:
We talked expressed our love for each other, we are still together, still getting married, but feels that we need to live apart until we settle some matters (mine is finalization of my divorce) he feels that this is the reason for our arguements (we are both spirtualists/Christian faith).

Here is the thing:

I’m in love with a divorced man who extremely honor his ex-wife for giving birth to his 3 daughters (ages: 8,12,and 14) whom he adore. We have been dating for 6 months and he asked me to marry him. I am a soon to be divorced mother of twins who are 8 tears of age. I have been separated from their dad since they were 2.5 yrs. Since, I have not been interested nor in a relationship with anyone- I had been just raising my twins and earning my undergraduate & Master’s degree. And then a year after earning that degree I enjoyed time with my kids and myself. It wasn’t until 6 mths. ago that I decided to explore the dating scene (via online dating).

After meeting a few guys (online only), there was 1 that I shared similarities, values, goals, and dreams. We complemented each other with our talents, education and are both spiritually connected. The 2 months that I chatted and face timed with him (online only).. I fell in love with his spirit and his person, it was cool to finally put a face to the guy whose conversation and spirit that I connected with (this time Face time). We finally met in person after 2 months and solidified our relationship as “In a relationship status.” Though we talked about a lot, talked about our goals, dreams, achievements, exe’s (why the marriage didn’t work).

So, he mentioned in the beginning the situation and circumstances. For my exe husband and me…well…he moved on a long time ago…. when he left me to raise our young children. But for my “fiancée” He left, and his exe remained in the house to raise their daughters. His marital agreement is that he will take care of the children and their mother as long as she lives in the home and remains unmarried (that’s understandable-she gave up her future to bear his children while he pursued his dreams and eventually moved on). What caused them to divorce was his ex-wife’s meddling mother whom talked her daughter into aborting 2 of their unborn babies (against his wishes) he said he was fed up with how she allowed her mother to control their marriage.

Nevertheless, he still honor his ex and hold her in that regard for being the mother of his children. So…his ex has not moved on and is still dependent on my fiancée for support. I don’t have a problem with most of what I mentioned because as a woman I feel that a man should respect the mother of his children and support them. I only was concerned if she would make my life (the new wife with no kids for the husband) miserable.

My fiancée is destined for greatness he is very gifted and talented…and his career is starting to blossom. I love him and feel that he is my soul mate. What should I do? Is it possible or even okay if I stand by my man’s regard for his exe? How can I feel secure and our marriage make it?

She was a virgin when they married and have more time invested together. I believe him when he says that he loves me. He says that he’s just that type of guy to not mistreat the mother of his children and that he want to be with me because we have more in common and compliment each other. He says that she isn’t like that-that she just happened to be the one who bared his kids.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 2nd February 2017 at 6:26 PM.. Reason: Merge threads
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Old 2nd February 2017, 6:53 PM   #2
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Time is your friend. Being engaged to a man you have only known for 6 months before your divorce is even final seems awfully fast & backwards to me. What you should do is slow down & get to know each other a lot better.


The fact that you two seem to have a volatile relationship is a red flag. You fight regularly. In response to a disagreement which seems to be a repeated point of contention, he packed all his stuff & moved out. Either he doesn't have a lot of stuff or you are exaggerating. Either way his response wasn't particularly mature. It does not bode well for future conflict resolution.


Had you asked I would have advised that you not even consider getting engaged until at least 1 year after your divorce was final. Rushing into this relationship especially if you have reservations about the extent of his financial commitment to his 1st wife & their children coupled with your concerns about how you will all blend these families almost guarantees a bad outcome. These are issues which should have been considered & resolved before you got engaged.
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Old 2nd February 2017, 8:56 PM   #3
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Putting things on hold and slowing down is a good thing. This man still loves his ex wife, if it wasn't for his MIL meddling, he'd still be married to her. Shield your heart and 'hear' him, really listen to what he's telling you. He obviously isn't ready yet and you both need time to get to know one another. Plus, you'll be taking on the role of step mom to 3 young kids that you don't know and that's going to be really hard, especially if his ex still wants him back.
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Old 2nd February 2017, 9:07 PM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Love_struck View Post
Since, I have not been interested nor in a relationship with anyone- I had been just raising my twins and earning my undergraduate & Master’s degree. And then a year after earning that degree I enjoyed time with my kids and myself. It wasn’t until 6 mths. ago that I decided to explore the dating scene (via online dating).
Like donnivain, I'm trying to reconcile the above with this:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Love_struck View Post
. We have been dating for 6 months and he asked me to marry him.
You didn't date at all for 5 years or more but, just several months in, you're getting married and already cohabitating? And you're not yet divorced?

Reckless doesn't begin to describe what you're doing. I wouldn't expose my kids this quickly to the most stable and available candidate in the world - and he's neither.

Maybe you can help us understand - what's the hurry?

Mr. Lucky
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Old 13th February 2017, 6:27 PM   #5
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It sounds like you both love each other and I'm sure he loves his children just as you love yours. You both want to get married and when you do, this will be your combined family to love. You mentioned you are both of the Christian faith which is all about just this...love. God's love can make anyone feel secure.
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Old 13th February 2017, 7:05 PM   #6
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6 months? Time to pump the breaks. Does that 6 months include the two months of online chatting?

It takes a good year to really know someone - six months? Thats the limerace phase when hormones and other chemicals flood our brain, clouding our judgement....

Ever hear the term "only fools rush in"? If you are planning to be together for all eternity -what is the RUSH?

So, what is he going to do about his ex and his children? Where are they going to go? Who is going to live where?

Some stats to ponder:

67% of all second marriages end in divorce. Add kids to the mix, half of all American children will witness the breakup of a parent's marriage. Of these children, close to half will also see the breakup of a parent's second marriage.

Unlike first marriages, where children are often a stablizer, the "glue" to keep a couple together:

Quote:
Ironically, the presence of children in second and third marriages,if they are from previous marriages, can cause problems and lead to tension. Having to adjust to your spouse's children and his/her relationship with them is often difficult for couples. Inevitably rivalries and arguments arise, making this a constant area of conflict. In these cases the children can be a destabilizing factor in a second or third marriage.
Be sure that you have taken the time to really get to know him. That you two have what it takes to stand together, through thick and thin. That you approach conflicts like a TEAM - not as enemy.

Quote:
many arguements caused him to pack his things and leave yesterday.
You have known each other for 6 months... this is the time you should be just SMITTEN with each other. A time when you should feel very compatible.

But instead communication is breaking down - and well, he is so "in love with you" that he packs his things and leaves? What are you going to do when ***** REALLY hits the fan.

My humble opinion, from what you have told us. This is not a relationship ready for a life long commitment of marriage. This is not a compatibility that is going to beat the odds and be the 33% that makes it.

Him packing his bags should have made that very clear.
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Old 13th February 2017, 10:14 PM   #7
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Originally Posted by RecentChange View Post
6 months? Time to pump the breaks. Does that 6 months include the two months of online chatting?
I'm trying to figure out how the OP swears off men for 5+ years and then, 6 months after dipping her toe in the dating pool, finds herself engaged and living with someone - all before her own divorce is completed ???

Just...wow...

Mr. Lucky
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Old 14th February 2017, 8:18 PM   #8
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Agreed. You don't really know someone after only six months. It's definitely risky to move in or agree to marry someone after only six months... Especially when they come with an ex wife and several children.

Time is definitely your friend. If it's meant to be, it will be. No rush.
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Old 24th February 2017, 8:53 PM   #9
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Why is your fiancé's career blossoming connected to your love for him / being soul mates?

I don't see how they're connected?
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