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Engaged but Wedding Planning is A Nightmare (Parent Interference)


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Old 30th January 2017, 10:30 PM   #1
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Engaged but Wedding Planning is A Nightmare (Parent Interference)

I got engaged to my fiancee 3 months ago. We have just now started planning for the big event.

My fiancee comes from a very small, dysfunctional family. She has never met her father, and she has been in and out of foster care growing up, and just recently got back in contact with her mother. She has her brother, sister and a few best friends as the only ones she'd really want to invite.

She told me she has no problem with having a big wedding, but I think deep down inside she'd prefer a smaller wedding because she doesn't have a lot of family that will attend I don't want her to feel left out.

I told my Mom that we were considering a smaller wedding. Maybe 50 - 60 people max.

My parents are paying for the photographer. And my fiancee and I are paying for the rest. They are making me feel bad because if we decide to go through with a small wedding a chunk of my family won't attend.

How would you handle this?
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Old 31st January 2017, 2:10 AM   #2
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How would you handle this?
Certainly not by being coerced into having something other than the reception I wanted. You (hopefully) only get one shot at this and it should align with the sensibilities - and budget, in your case - of the couple getting married. I've got news for you, this won't be the last time you'll have to deal with conflicting expectations and pressure from family members, might as well start now. Your primary obligation is to your bride.

Tell Mom and Dad they're welcome to throw a party for you after your honeymoon and invite anyone they'd like. A good time will be had by all...

Mr. Lucky
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Old 31st January 2017, 6:29 AM   #3
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They are making me feel bad because if we decide to go through with a small wedding a chunk of my family won't attend.

How would you handle this?
I would explain the reasons you're opting for a smaller wedding.

If they don't understand and accept your choice then you may have to tell them a bit more firmly that it's YOUR wedding and YOUR decision, not theirs.

If they still don't accept it then go to the Caribbean and do it just the 2 of you. Saves a whole load of hassle and expense, too.
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Old 31st January 2017, 9:14 AM   #4
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It's called the Golden Rule: S/he who has the gold makes the rules. If you are paying for YOUR wedding, you get to decide what you want to do & how you want to spend your money.


If your parents will react well to logic just show them the numbers. The reception costs are usually the biggest expense so head count is important. To add 50 people at $100 pp that is an additional $5,000. There is no sense going into debt over a party.


When your parents or anybody else gets upset about a decision you made, simply say: "I'm sorry you feel that way" and move on. Don't fight or argue with them. It's sad that weddings can bring out the worst in people.


I will share with you that when we got married DH & I were planning a small wedding because that is what we could afford. My parents wanted an extravaganza & they ended up paying for it. Wasn't totally my vision but it wasn't my vision & it made them so very happy to do this. Both of my parents died less than 5 years later so that wedding is a cherished memory because it is what they wanted. I knew their health was a factor at the time.


However, if somebody had expected me to foot the bill to make my wedding in their vision rather than my own I never would have agreed.
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Old 31st January 2017, 11:45 AM   #5
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If you're paying for your wedding, then you are free to decide what kind of nuptials you want. Be kind yet firm with your parents.

My mother tried to bully my husband and I into letting her pay for a wedding. She told me right to my face that she wanted to pay so that she would have control. We were adamant that we wanted something intimate but my mother kept shouting about her wishes. My husband and I eloped to escape the negative energy. My parents were very unhappy about that choice but it taught them to stay out of my personal decisions.
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Old 31st January 2017, 6:13 PM   #6
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Maybe sell her on a destination wedding? Just the two of you eloping? You two against the world?
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Old 1st February 2017, 4:50 AM   #7
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She told me she has no problem with having a big wedding, but I think deep down inside she'd prefer a smaller wedding because she doesn't have a lot of family that will attend I don't want her to feel left out.
Why don't you trust your future wife to know what she has no problems with and is okay with - and to be honest with you about it?
Or, why do you think that you know better than she does, what she really wants and will really be comfortable/happy with?

Please don't do this to her in your marriage - it's demeaning to be treated as if it's okay for other people to ignore what you say, and act as if they have greater insight into and know better and are the authority over your own inner world.
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