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Will he ever propose...


Getting Married Cold feet to pre-marital stressors--the place to discuss all the issues that come with saying "I do."

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Old 3rd January 2017, 6:06 PM   #16
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Originally Posted by Rubysmom22 View Post
Well after much deep thought about it all and talking with my therapist, she suggested I give myself a time Frame ..fir this year. If it doesn't happen its time to re evaluate. This would be kept to myself as I don't want him to propose to shut me up. I've been very honest to him about what I want its up to him now.
Bad therapist.
She should have told you that a relationship should not be dependent on a certificate.

I am surprised that at age 43 you have not learned that pressuring men into things is only making them want to do it less / it pushes them away.

I think he'd be wayyyyy more likely to propose if you just let the subject go, drop it completely. I wouldn't propose to someone who'd constantly nag me about marriage.
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Old 3rd January 2017, 6:08 PM   #17
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Not everyone wants to get married. I know plenty of people who are happily unmarried couples.
Friends of mine (he is 35, she 40) have been together for 10 years, have two daughters together, and they probably will stay together forever, but they are not married and never will be, it's their choice.

If you are confident in your relationship, why would you need a stupid marriage certificate? Clearly there are other issues in this relationship you are afraid admitting to.
Marriage may not be important to you personally or some of your friends, but it is to the OP. You don't get to decide what she should or shouldn't accept. If playing house with a guy who has no intention of marrying her is unacceptable to her, then it's unacceptable in her situation. If her boyfriend doesn't want to marry her, and marriage is what she really wants, then she makes decisions based on her values...not yours.
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Old 3rd January 2017, 6:50 PM   #18
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Marriage may not be important to you personally or some of your friends, but it is to the OP. You don't get to decide what she should or shouldn't accept. If playing house with a guy who has no intention of marrying her is unacceptable to her, then it's unacceptable in her situation. If her boyfriend doesn't want to marry her, and marriage is what she really wants, then she makes decisions based on her values...not yours.
Yeah, but you don't think that throwing away a perfectly good relationship over a piece of paper is ridiculous?
First world problems...

As I wrote before, he freaking paid for his GFs daughters wedding. That's a great gesture and REAL proof for commitment. Not some stupid outdated social tradition.
Again, entitled Western people with their first world problems. Can't see a good thing when they have it, always want more.
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Old 3rd January 2017, 7:03 PM   #19
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I think the fact that he paid for his girlfriend's daughter's wedding says a lot about his commitment to OP. I don't see a problem here.
Not everyone wants to get married. I know plenty of people who are happily unmarried couples.
Friends of mine (he is 35, she 40) have been together for 10 years, have two daughters together, and they probably will stay together forever, but they are not married and never will be, it's their choice.

If you are confident in your relationship, why would you need a stupid marriage certificate? Clearly there are other issues in this relationship you are afraid admitting to.
Because to me it isn't a stupid piece of paper. I an not very religious but I an a very connected person. Very spiritual. I am also an empath and Reiki master. It would naje me feel whole as a family. We have 1 child together. I hate that every time I majeca Dr appointment or any other appointment I have to give her name and then give them my different last name like some baby mamma...just how I feel I guess
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Old 3rd January 2017, 7:07 PM   #20
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Sorry for the abundance of typos...
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Old 3rd January 2017, 7:23 PM   #21
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Because to me it isn't a stupid piece of paper. I an not very religious but I an a very connected person. Very spiritual. I am also an empath and Reiki master. It would naje me feel whole as a family. We have 1 child together. I hate that every time I majeca Dr appointment or any other appointment I have to give her name and then give them my different last name like some baby mamma...just how I feel I guess
Whilst I do understand where you are coming from, from an emotional perspective, and whilst I don't want to disregard that emotional perspective or its importance for us as humans, I just want for you to see it from a different perspective. Try to imagine it.
Personally, I could see myself getting married someday (I was married in my early twenties and am pretty jaded when it comes to the illusion of what marriage means in today's age), but I don't think I need to. It took a few years for me to rationalize that. But there really should be the ability for us to weigh what's more important. That you corner him into doing something he doesn't really want to do, when that something really is, in the grand scheme of things, and in a rational way, not that important...
or that you have a partner who does a hell lot for you and your children for 5 years already, who is clearly committed to your family and who just doesn't seem to think of marriage as a big deal.

Just try to think about it. I am not sure what your therapist tells you, but if she hasn't suggested this yet, then I think she's not a good therapist. Sometimes we are our own worst enemy, and it's imperative that we look at things from an outside or opposing viewpoint, just to put things into perspective.

I mean, I wish I had a guy who pays for my daughters wedding. WTF? That's an amazing guy! He's a keeper. Married or not.
I can see how it's important to you to get married, but given that you were married before and it didn't work out, what's the point?
You are well aware that marriage does not guarantee a life time commitment.
The only thing we are certainly given in life is death.
So marriage or not, you got a good thing, and you shouldn't throw it away over marriage ultimatums.
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Old 3rd January 2017, 8:56 PM   #22
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The OP is raising a child with this man. She's not working right now, he is. What if he walks outside tomorrow and gets hit by a bus? If he doesnt have life insurance, and I always assume they dont, she will have to take care of all funeral costs, and now take care of her child and put a roof over their head, food in their mouth, and hopefully a college education.

Marriage is a safety net for moms and kids. She would be able to get social security to help raise her daughter. If they arent married, he should at least have a good life insurance policy. If he cared for them, he would want that for them.

Why is that so hard to understand? Its not "just a piece of paper". Its security to help that child be taken care of when the father isnt there anymore.
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Old 3rd January 2017, 9:05 PM   #23
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Sorry for the abundance of typos...
No worries.

You have a lot to consider. Wishing you clarity in your decision-making process and peace with your ultimate choice.
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Old 3rd January 2017, 9:30 PM   #24
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OK, one thing I am definitely learning here is that I'm getting really angry about how my bf is being seen. Also how trivial our relationship is being characterized. Let me back up a bit to the beginning. First of all , this man came into my life knowing I hadl 4 children...went from being a single guy living with his gamer friends to a 40 year old woman with more baggage than a large air port. He never judged , never once let me down with anything. When my ex husband came into my apartment and trashed it...he protected me. He has supported everything I've ever done. That all being said we have been through the ringer with my kids. They blame him for my ex and I not being together. Even though we met way after we divorced. My ex has manipulated them and lied and bought their love with vacations and gifts. We don't have the ability to give them all that. So yes he contributed to my daughters wedding by maxing our credit cards...not to make her happy but to make me happy. I have been depressed because of the distance with my kids, he was trying to help me. There is so much more depth to this story . yes I have come right out and asked ..babe do you ever want to get married...his answer has always been yes. As far as having someone to cook and clean..... I don't cook he does, I do clean ..but he also does a lot with our 3 year old. As soon as he walks through the door he is taking care of her so I can have a break. He is a wonderful man. So you can see how I'm torn here. I also know a few couples who were together for 10 years before they got married and they are happy.. Time will tell but no matter what happens this man is a one in a million and he thinks the same of me. No need for glossing.
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Old 3rd January 2017, 9:45 PM   #25
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Originally Posted by heavenonearth View Post
Yeah, but you don't think that throwing away a perfectly good relationship over a piece of paper is ridiculous?
First world problems...

As I wrote before, he freaking paid for his GFs daughters wedding. That's a great gesture and REAL proof for commitment. Not some stupid outdated social tradition.
Again, entitled Western people with their first world problems. Can't see a good thing when they have it, always want more.
Wow ..you are wrong about me. Its about my values ..I was married to a man who who cheated and beat the **** out of me for years. And i still want to get married ..third world problems? Don't talk to me about those...
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Old 3rd January 2017, 9:54 PM   #26
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[QUOTE=heavenonearth;7179357]Bad therapist.
She should have told you that a relationship should not be dependent on a certificate.

I am surprised that at age 43 you have not learned that pressuring men into things is only making them want to do it less / it pushes them away.

I think he'd be wayyyyy more likely to propose if you just let the subject go, drop it completely. I wouldn't propose to someone who'd constantly nag me about marriage.[/QUOTEive

At 43 you know what you want too...and what you won't settle for..after what I settled for for 20 years of my life before I refuse to settle for anything less. He has every right to not want to get married...but I have every right to not be with him too. I haven't nagged either....being open about we want isnt nagging..
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Old 3rd January 2017, 10:10 PM   #27
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Wow ..you are wrong about me. Its about my values ..I was married to a man who who cheated and beat the **** out of me for years. And i still want to get married ..third world problems? Don't talk to me about those...
Wow! Your ex is a real nightmare! I hope you involved the police when he trashed your apartment. It's too bad he's turning your kids against you and blaming you rather than his abusive behavior for the breakup of the marriage.

You're a strong woman! Be proud that you've survived and are in a far better, healthier place in your life. You're at the next crossroad now. You've clearly reclaimed your life and know what you want. You'll make the right decision for you!
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Old 3rd January 2017, 10:12 PM   #28
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Originally Posted by heavenonearth View Post
Whilst I do understand where you are coming from, from an emotional perspective, and whilst I don't want to disregard that emotional perspective or its importance for us as humans, I just want for you to see it from a different perspective. Try to imagine it.
Personally, I could see myself getting married someday (I was married in my early twenties and am pretty jaded when it comes to the illusion of what marriage means in today's age), but I don't think I need to. It took a few years for me to rationalize that. But there really should be the ability for us to weigh what's more important. That you corner him into doing something he doesn't really want to do, when that something really is, in the grand scheme of things, and in a rational way, not that important...
or that you have a partner who does a hell lot for you and your children for 5 years already, who is clearly committed to your family and who just doesn't seem to think of marriage as a big deal.

Just try to think about it. I am not sure what your therapist tells you, but if she hasn't suggested this yet, then I think she's not a good therapist. Sometimes we are our own worst enemy, and it's imperative that we look at things from an outside or opposing viewpoint, just to put things into perspective.

I mean, I wish I had a guy who pays for my daughters wedding. WTF? That's an amazing guy! He's a keeper. Married or not.
I can see how it's important to you to get married, but given that you were married before and it didn't work out, what's the point?
You are well aware that marriage does not guarantee a life time commitment.
The only thing we are certainly given in life is death.
So marriage or not, you got a good thing, and you shouldn't throw it away over marriage ultimatums.
Lol just to be clear , he did not pay for my daughters wedding...it was a 40 thousand dollar wedding.... He contributed as much as he could... Mostly towards her shower which I threw. I'm only clarifying because I'm making it known I'm not some ungratefully bratt...I'd personaly would be happy with a JP and the beach.
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Old 3rd January 2017, 10:20 PM   #29
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Originally Posted by angel.eyes View Post
Wow! Your ex is a real nightmare! I hope you involved the police when he trashed your apartment. It's too bad he's turning your kids against you and blaming you rather than his abusive behavior for the breakup of the marriage.

You're a strong woman! Be proud that you've survived and are in a far better, healthier place in your life. You're at the next crossroad now. You've clearly reclaimed your life and know what you want. You'll make the right decision for you!
Yes he was and still can be. I did call the police .he lost his job , and apartment.... And my kids hated me for bit for quite a while...it's been a long road for us

Last edited by Rubysmom22; 3rd January 2017 at 10:24 PM..
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Old 4th January 2017, 1:24 AM   #30
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I have a feeling he just doesn't want to marry you, OP.

He's already very committed in the form of your shared child, he knows you could have an inexpensive wedding ceremony itself (maybe host a celebration later when funds allow), your daughter's wedding has now passed.

And still, he's not very keen on the idea. I get that marriage isn't important for many couples, but it is important to you. Just a thought, but have you two ever attended counseling together? I know you go to your one on your own, but would he be open to joining you for a session(s) to get all the cards on the table and see if your life goals still line up?
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