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Will he ever propose...


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Old 2nd January 2017, 4:06 PM   #1
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Will he ever propose...

Hi there, I'd like to hear some insight on my problem . I was in a really bad marriage for 20 years and have 4 great kids from that martiage. After much soul searching I moved out and got a divorce. A year later I met a wonderful man who I love very much. He is 8 years younger than me never married and no kids ( he was 30 I was 38 when we met) a year after we met we decided to move in together, but before that even happened I was shocked to find out at 40 years old I was pregnant. He was very happy and so was I and if it was going to happen that was the Right time...I wasn't getting any younger. We didn't get married right away because honestly I didn't want another marriage this way, like when I was 19 ! He didn't ask anyway. Well we have been together 5 years now and our daughter is 3. I brought up the subject a year ago or so, and his reasoning was he has no money for a ring. I really could care less about an expensive ring. I dropped the subject but its been another year. I have brought up the subject and how important it is to me. He says he wants to get married but there's always a financial reason why he hasn't asked. Am I I'm denial here? I'm thinking he just isn't sure, and if that's the case it will end our relationship because I have a real problem with this. Any insight please!!!
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Old 2nd January 2017, 4:53 PM   #2
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My rings were plain gold bands $500 for the set. They could have been less expensive, but DH liked white gold with platinum.

Our marriage license cost $40

Coincidentally, the JP who married us also charged a $40 fee.

Total wedding costs: $580.

Yeah, he's got no excuse. It's been 5 years and you have a child together. If he wanted to marry you, you'd be married or at least engaged with a firm date by now. Either he doesn't want to get married or he doesn't want to get married to you.
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Old 2nd January 2017, 5:04 PM   #3
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He can afford to raise a child, a responsibility that costs thousands of dollars annually, but he is in such dire financial straits that he has never been able to afford the roughly $30-$100 it costs to get married at City Hall???

Are you raising your child alone with no help from him given his financial difficulties? Perhaps you can clarify the situation.
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Old 2nd January 2017, 5:24 PM   #4
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Thanks for the reply... We raise our child together but I have been out of work temporarily. I had my own business that went under, he has been doing everything on his own financially. We also paid for a lot of my daughters wedding at the beginning of the year. Thing is, I'm not asking or wanting a diamond ...I have a family ring that was given to me when we or if we get engaged. I don't even care about a wedding ..he does. There isn't any excuse in my eyes...but that's why I posted, maybe I'm not having a clear perspective
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Old 2nd January 2017, 6:06 PM   #5
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If your boyfriend has never been married before, it makes sense that he cares about the wedding. Many people place a lot of importance on the ceremony and reception. Of course, being unable to afford a wedding doesn't stop him from proposing to you and having a longer engagement to save for the event. He could also scale back his expectations if he truly wants to be your husband. There's a plenty of middle ground between marrying at the courthouse and a formal wedding of 300.
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Old 2nd January 2017, 7:36 PM   #6
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The more forums I read about this, the more I see a common thread. Guys says sure, he wants to get married but this excuse and that excuse. How can it be financial, when you are already raising a child, living in a house, and going about life. If you went down to the courthouse and got married, it wouldnt cost anything. You dont even need a ring to get married.

If he wanted to get married, he would. There would be no excuse in the world that would keep him from it. Ive read dozens of threads where the guys says sure, we'll get married when we have the money, at Christmas, at Easter, later....

He keeps saying he will get married eventually, because you keep buying it. He wants to keep the status quo, and all he has to do is say he wants to get married. He knows you arent going anywhere.

Either you want to get married, and if he doesnt, you will leave, or you can live without it, and just face the facts he's probably not going to marry you.

Remember: talk is cheap (sure I want to get married eventually), actions speak waaaaay louder than words (lets get married!).
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Old 2nd January 2017, 8:14 PM   #7
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Originally Posted by Rubysmom22 View Post
Thanks for the reply... We raise our child together but I have been out of work temporarily. I had my own business that went under, he has been doing everything on his own financially. We also paid for a lot of my daughters wedding at the beginning of the year. Thing is, I'm not asking or wanting a diamond ...I have a family ring that was given to me when we or if we get engaged. I don't even care about a wedding ..he does. There isn't any excuse in my eyes...but that's why I posted, maybe I'm not having a clear perspective
So, he'll pay for your adult daughter's wedding in 2016, but he's too financially strapped to marry you in the five years he's dated you (which includes fathering a child who is now three).

His actions and choices speak volumes. Figure out what you're willing to accept. Are you okay with not getting married? If being married to a life partner is important to you, this is probably not the guy with whom it will happen.

As long as you waffle and hope, he'll continue to mollify you with words about "wanting to get married someday." The status quo works well for him. From his behavior and choices, he isn't interested in changing anything.
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Old 2nd January 2017, 8:19 PM   #8
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Originally Posted by BettyDraper View Post
Of course, being unable to afford a wedding doesn't stop him from proposing to you and having a longer engagement to save for the event. He could also scale back his expectations if he truly wants to be your husband. There's a plenty of middle ground between marrying at the courthouse and a formal wedding of 300.
Being "unable" to fund his own wedding didn't stop him from paying for his GF's daughter's wedding! Sorry, his excuses about not having enough money to get married lack credibility. If he truly wanted to get engaged and married, he would. He just doesn't.
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Old 3rd January 2017, 12:19 PM   #9
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Wow...well I asked fir it I guess. Pehaps I need to get into more detai about us. First off what does "status quo" mean. If its a single thing I'm not sure that's his problem. My bf is very socially akward, almost a nerd so to speak... He would rather play dungeon's and dragons than go to a bar. He hates being single. He is however a romantic, which is what I fell in love with. And yes he put money towards my daughters wedding ...that is why we are strapped! He is very tight with money. He also didn't want to take the limelight off my daughter... So we waited. My problem is part if me thinks he won't propose til I have a job. Again a problem with me because he should love and want to marry me regardless. I think our beliefs about what marriage is differ...he is practical about it... I'm romantic. If it doesn't happen ...at least the engagement this year I will re evaluate... I'm 43 I'm not stupid and I won't settle.
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Old 3rd January 2017, 1:34 PM   #10
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Originally Posted by Rubysmom22 View Post
Wow...well I asked fir it I guess. Pehaps I need to get into more detai about us. First off what does "status quo" mean. If its a single thing I'm not sure that's his problem. My bf is very socially akward, almost a nerd so to speak... He would rather play dungeon's and dragons than go to a bar. He hates being single. He is however a romantic, which is what I fell in love with. And yes he put money towards my daughters wedding ...that is why we are strapped! He is very tight with money. He also didn't want to take the limelight off my daughter... So we waited. My problem is part if me thinks he won't propose til I have a job. Again a problem with me because he should love and want to marry me regardless. I think our beliefs about what marriage is differ...he is practical about it... I'm romantic. If it doesn't happen ...at least the engagement this year I will re evaluate... I'm 43 I'm not stupid and I won't settle.
You brought up marriage a year or so ago and he gave an excuse related to finances but yet he put down marriage towards your daughter's wedding. That seems to indicate he is willing to expend money for certain things so why not a union between the two of you? If he didn't want to take the limelight off your daughter, it seems enough time has passed to get the ball rolling and he hasn't mentioned it again. Marriage should not be conditioned on the person spouse finding a job. What if something happens and you no longer have that job after the marriage? Would the marriage end?

Being OK with the status quo means he is fine with the way things are now (i..e being with you with no marriage). After five years and a daughter together, he shouldn't be making excuses if he really wants to take the relationship to the next level. If he loves you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you, being practical means foregoing anything expensive and going straight to the courthouse and getting married. Hopefully the engagement will happen this year for you. Good luck!
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Old 3rd January 2017, 2:17 PM   #11
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I think that window of opportunity is over, but there's always the few and far between. I was with my ex for 8 years... he never proposed and his reasoning was "I want to get you the best ring I can possibly get" well that day never came, our love came and gone, he regretted it.
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Old 3rd January 2017, 3:42 PM   #12
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Well after much deep thought about it all and talking with my therapist, she suggested I give myself a time Frame ..fir this year. If it doesn't happen its time to re evaluate. This would be kept to myself as I don't want him to propose to shut me up. I've been very honest to him about what I want its up to him now.
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Old 3rd January 2017, 5:40 PM   #13
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Originally Posted by Rubysmom22 View Post
First off what does "status quo" mean...My bf is very socially akward, almost a nerd so to speak... He would rather play dungeon's and dragons than go to a bar. He hates being single.
At present, he has the best of both worlds. An understanding live-in partner who cooks, cleans, cares for his child, and is there for companionship on demand. He no longer has to work at being social to meet anyone when he suddenly feels lonely, and he keeps his options open when someone better come along or he stops feeling satisfied in his current relationship.

No doubt you're a truly wonderful person, but for whatever reason, you're not the person he wants to marry. You're Ms. Right Now, not Mrs. Right.

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Originally Posted by Rubysmom22 View Post
And yes he put money towards my daughters wedding ...that is why we are strapped! He is very tight with money. He also didn't want to take the limelight off my daughter...So we waited.
Interesting series of excuses across your posts!

He couldn't get engaged to you a year ago because finances were poor. But somehow, he could afford to pay for your daughter's wedding this year..So now he really can't get engaged to you this year because there's no money after her wedding...and anyway, why steal her limelight?

He couldn't afford to get engaged to you, but his GF's daughter's happiness is such a critical priority for him, that he somehow scrounged the money together to fund her wedding, a much more expensive affair than simply asking his GF to get engaged. From his choices, his GF's daughter's happiness appears to be more important to him than his GF's, despite knowing that it bothers his GF that he hasn't married her yet.

Ignoring for a minute he wouldn't even consider getting engaged a year ago, what limelight would get ruined if he proposed to you? Was your daughter, her now husband, or any of her 20-year old friends going to be at your proposal? Did all his friends attend your daughter's wedding or something?

Why would her 20-year old friends care what her mom's old (in their eyes) boyfriend does with his life when he's not part of their social circle? Would news that their friends mom had gotten engaged, somehow wipe out their excitement about their friend's wedding?

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Originally Posted by Rubysmom22 View Post
My problem is part if me thinks he won't propose til I have a job. Again a problem with me because he should love and want to marry me regardless.
You've had a job for most of the five-year relationship. Your job loss occurred this year. He was unwilling to propose to you even when you were working. So there goes that excuse.

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Originally Posted by Rubysmom22 View Post
I think our beliefs about what marriage is differ...he is practical about it... I'm romantic.
This is critical. You have very different views on marriage and finances. You aren't compatible. Dating is about figuring out compatibility or its lack. Please don't gloss over this.

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Originally Posted by Rubysmom22 View Post
If it doesn't happen ...at least the engagement this year I will re evaluate...
You were at the same decision point a year ago. You brought it up. He wanted better finances before he would even consider proposing. You figured you would wait a year. Here you are a year later in the same position...except he's since paid for your adult daughter's wedding and his finances are in even worse shape than they were when he couldn't propose. Getting engaged to you is now "impossible" because of current finances.

If someone enjoys the relationship as it stands but has no desire to marry their partner, there will always be something that gets in the way and makes the timing poor. But there'll be just enough breadcrumbs of hope to keep you hanging on as long as you're willing to ignore the actual behavior. It will be, as soon as XYZ occurs, he'll consider proposing...

Forget about getting married, he keeps finding excuses and creating obstacles to even get engaged! After five years as a couple and a three-year old child together, he still won't even commit to promising that someday he may marry you! Instead, he's throwing up new obstacles so he isn't forced to propose. From an outside perspective, this doesn't bode well for your relationship.

Is your end game getting engaged or marriage? If you can't even get him to propose, do you really think he's going to hop and skip excitedly without delay into marriage even after he's "forced" to propose? What efforts and how much patience are you going to have to go through the process of trying to haul him to the altar after you've finally pried a proposal out of him? If it's this hard to get four words out of him after 5+ years, please think about the rest of the process. You're so focused on getting those four words that you're missing the whole picture.
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Old 3rd January 2017, 7:00 PM   #14
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Originally Posted by Whodatdog View Post
The more forums I read about this, the more I see a common thread. Guys says sure, he wants to get married but this excuse and that excuse. How can it be financial, when you are already raising a child, living in a house, and going about life. If you went down to the courthouse and got married, it wouldnt cost anything. You dont even need a ring to get married.

If he wanted to get married, he would. There would be no excuse in the world that would keep him from it. Ive read dozens of threads where the guys says sure, we'll get married when we have the money, at Christmas, at Easter, later....

He keeps saying he will get married eventually, because you keep buying it. He wants to keep the status quo, and all he has to do is say he wants to get married. He knows you arent going anywhere.

Either you want to get married, and if he doesnt, you will leave, or you can live without it, and just face the facts he's probably not going to marry you.

Remember: talk is cheap (sure I want to get married eventually), actions speak waaaaay louder than words (lets get married!).

I also don't understand how they can't just talk about this.
She could just say "hey babe, so , if you don't want to get married ever, because you think it's an institution you don't believe in, then i understand. we don't need to get married, we are happy together the way things are."
Together for 5 years but she can't talk to him about her needs?
Doesn't sound healthy to me.
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Old 3rd January 2017, 7:03 PM   #15
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Originally Posted by angel.eyes View Post
Being "unable" to fund his own wedding didn't stop him from paying for his GF's daughter's wedding! Sorry, his excuses about not having enough money to get married lack credibility. If he truly wanted to get engaged and married, he would. He just doesn't.
I think the fact that he paid for his girlfriend's daughter's wedding says a lot about his commitment to OP. I don't see a problem here.
Not everyone wants to get married. I know plenty of people who are happily unmarried couples.
Friends of mine (he is 35, she 40) have been together for 10 years, have two daughters together, and they probably will stay together forever, but they are not married and never will be, it's their choice.

If you are confident in your relationship, why would you need a stupid marriage certificate? Clearly there are other issues in this relationship you are afraid admitting to.
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