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Getting Married Cold feet to pre-marital stressors--the place to discuss all the issues that come with saying "I do."

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Old 13th August 2016, 11:04 AM   #1
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Exclamation Ride it out or leave

I am looking for your thoughts regarding my situation.
Actually, it will impact our family.
I am coming to immediate terms that my fiancÚ and I have indeed rushed into our relationship and are ideally not compatible. We dated for 1 Year in a long distance relationship (3 hours away, meeting every 1-2 weekends). We moved in together at our one year anniversary and got engage too.
We both have children from past relationships. I have two, and he has one. Both of our eldest are boys who turn 13 this year.
It's been a roller-coaster of emotions as I understand we both lack communication to a certain extent.
I can see tendencies of Codependency and narcissism from my finances behaviours that I was unaware of until we began seeing eachother full time. My exhusband of 9 years was both narcissism and codeoendant so this is why I am able to see it. We are still amicable for the kods as he is a good father. I promised myself I wouldn't be in a marriage like this because the kids were unhappy and so was I.
We haven't stopped fighting, even over the littlest things. I had warning signs early now that I reflect (jealousy, needing to get a hold of me at anytime, etc). I won't back down, not out of pride (as I will apologize for what I am responsible for), but out of morals and values. I will not cross my boundaries to allow him to feel comfortable and he hates it. And he let's me know he hates it, verbally. I understand sacrifice and I sacrifice myself out of love in other scenarios.
We had recently signed a 1-year rental lease together. I am unsure we will even make it. I would rather be on my own again (as I was before for 7 years). I do enjoy some of the perks of a two-parent household (bedroom not shared with kids, a backyard with grass, etc).
We have seen a councillor (her help was minimal). I believe we need to see a psychologist perhaps. We have also completed a few exercises on an online pre-marital course.
Why are we not progressing fruitfully?!
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Old 13th August 2016, 3:24 PM   #2
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Things aren't progressing fruitfully because, like you said, you're not compatible.

Compatibility won't improve with marriage.

Don't sacrifice yourself anymore.

Take care.
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Old 13th August 2016, 5:34 PM   #3
 
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Originally Posted by LadyOfHope View Post
I can see tendencies of Codependency and narcissism from my finance's behaviours.... I had warning signs early now that I reflect (jealousy, needing to get a hold of me at anytime, etc).
Lady, perhaps your fiancÚ does exhibit strong traits of NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder). Many folks with strong narcissist tendencies do exhibit strong jealousy. It is not one of the nine defining traits for NPD, however. Rather, irrational jealousy (i.e., fear of abandonment) is one of the nine defining traits for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder).

As I understand it, there are three major differences between BPD and NPD. First, whereas NPDers are emotionally stable, BPDers are not. This instability is why BPDers flip back and forth between loving you and devaluing you -- with the result that they do much more of the push-you-away and pull-you-back behavior. That flip usually occurs in ten seconds based on some innocuous thing you said or did. Once a person has been subjected to this cycle a dozen times -- being alternately adored and devalued -- she starts feeling like an addict who is alternating between heroine highs one day and heroine withdrawal pains the next.

Second, although NPDers also do the push-pull (but to a lesser extent), they do not do it because of altering between the abandonment fear and engulfment fear like BPDers. Instead, the NPDers typically do it because, once you return to them, they lose interest in you and start taking you for granted -- i.e., they do not feel engulfed like the BPDers. Like the BPDers, NPDers can rage in response to your comments. Yet, the rage usually is in response to your disagreeing with them, thus refusing to validate their false image of being a person who is always right. In contrast, the BPDers get furious when you say anything triggering their two great fears: abandonment and engulfment. And, like jealousy (abandonment fear), extreme anger is a defining trait for BPD, not NPD.

Third, whereas BPDers typically are caring individuals who actually can love you (albeit in a very impaired and immature manner), NPDers are not truly caring and do not love you. Instead, they consider you a useful object when you are supporting their false self image and a non-useful object when you are not supportive. If you are interested, you may want to take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar.

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your fiancÚ's issues. Yet, like learning warning signs for breast cancer and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a painful situation -- and may help you decide whether your situation is sufficiently serious to warrant spending money on professional guidance.

Quote:
I believe we need to see a psychologist perhaps.
If you decide that your fiancÚ exhibits strong and persistent warning signs for NPD or BPD, I would agree that MC likely would be a waste of time until he has addressed those more serious issues in IC. Until then, his learning simple communication skills likely will not help your relationship. In that case, I would suggest you start by seeing your own psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you are likely dealing with.
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Old 16th August 2016, 12:18 PM   #4
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Originally Posted by LadyOfHope View Post
We dated for 1 Year in a long distance relationship (3 hours away, meeting every 1-2 weekends). We moved in together at our one year anniversary and got engage too.
Seems to me, even if your BF didn't exhibit this disorder, you've moved way too quickly towards cohabitation and marriage. A year-long LDR simply isn't enough time together to see how things will work long-term.

If you've made it on your own for 7 years, why the rush at this point ???

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Old 19th August 2016, 6:44 PM   #5
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If you are unsure and haven't moved (I saw this especially since you have kids) I would hold off on moving in together. Perhaps you can back out of the place or only one of you lives there?

You can address communication in counselling but if you are incompatible and the fights are frequent and draining that will not be a good situation for the kids. It might be worth chalking up the year LTR sunk cost and going out there again rather than trying to make something work. I don't know the ins and outs and how incompatible you are. But if you are having questions, you need to slow down until you feel confident one way or the other.
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Old 20th September 2016, 7:06 AM   #6
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Luke mr. Lucky said why rush it? Lay back, enjoy life, stop putting relationship pressure onto yourself or your fiance. You've already been married. You can check that block and relax now.

And what's with them focus on personality disorder stuff???? Every one has something. Tendencies etc. No one is normal. There is no normal.
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Old 20th September 2016, 11:32 AM   #7
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I didn't read where OP was married; just engaged and cohabiting.

I'm dealing with something similar. I had an XH who did some things and treated me horribly. I'm seeing the early stages similar behavior from BF. Regardless of personality disorder stuff, I don't want that type of behavior so I'm seeing it as a compatibility going forward.

I would quietly check about ways to potentially get out of the lease or worst case scenarios if you just move out. There's no use staying with someone you don't want to be with.

As for the kids, I was surprised how quickly kids adjust to changes in teachers, friends, roommates, etc. In my case the kiddo is still able to see their dad and someone else I was in a LTR with and maintain the relationship.
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Old 11th November 2016, 7:24 AM   #8
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OP it's often really easy to track problems to our partners and even easier to diagnose them with mental illness or personality disorders.

It means we don't have to take responsibility for our own actions in a relationship break down and the diagnosis we give them allows us to do what we want and leave without having to do any hard self examination.

Very few people in the world have personality disorders which are just extreme variants of normal human responses.

So you can listen to people telling you what you want to hear and likely repeat the same pattern over and over.

Or you can decide to emotionally evolve.
Examine your not helpful behaviour. Learn more appropriate ways that don't impact your relationship. Love does not come along often. It is a rare opportunity that comes with much challenge and it's your choice whether to become the sort of woman that can rise to that challenge.

You've said that you both don't communicate but didn't elaborate. You just referenced your current and ex behaviour without talking about your own. I think because you are so upset and hurt and disappointed that there has been so much conflict. All of us emotional adults who have committed to life partners have been there. It doesn't necessarily mean your relationship is no good.

Why don't you tell us about what the fights are generally about and how the fights usually play out?

Because that means you are focusing on discovering for yourself if this reladionship is non functional or if you both just need to learn to "fight" constructively and hear each other and be able to communicate your feelings and needs to the other better.
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