Originally Posted by LadyOfHope
I can see tendencies of Codependency and narcissism from my finance's behaviours.... I had warning signs early now that I reflect (jealousy, needing to get a hold of me at anytime, etc).
Lady, perhaps your fiancÚ does exhibit strong traits of NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder). Many folks with strong narcissist tendencies do exhibit strong jealousy. It is not one of the nine defining traits for NPD, however. Rather, irrational jealousy (i.e., fear of abandonment) is one of the nine defining traits for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder).
As I understand it, there are three major differences between BPD and NPD. First, whereas NPDers are emotionally stable, BPDers are not. This instability is why BPDers flip back and forth between loving you and devaluing you -- with the result that they do much more of the push-you-away and pull-you-back behavior. That flip usually occurs in ten seconds based on some innocuous thing you said or did. Once a person has been subjected to this cycle a dozen times -- being alternately adored and devalued -- she starts feeling like an addict who is alternating between heroine highs one day and heroine withdrawal pains the next.
Second, although NPDers also do the push-pull (but to a lesser extent), they do not do it because of altering between the abandonment fear and engulfment fear like BPDers. Instead, the NPDers typically do it because, once you return to them, they lose interest in you and start taking you for granted -- i.e., they do not feel engulfed like the BPDers. Like the BPDers, NPDers can rage in response to your comments. Yet, the rage usually is in response to your disagreeing with them, thus refusing to validate their false image of being a person who is always right. In contrast, the BPDers get furious when you say anything triggering their two great fears: abandonment and engulfment. And, like jealousy (abandonment fear), extreme anger is a defining trait for BPD, not NPD.
Third, whereas BPDers typically are caring individuals who actually can love you (albeit in a very impaired and immature manner), NPDers are not truly caring and do not love you. Instead, they consider you a useful object when you are supporting their false self image and a non-useful object when you are not supportive. If you are interested, you may want to take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs
to see if most sound very familiar.
Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your fiancÚ's issues. Yet, like learning warning signs for breast cancer and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a painful situation -- and may help you decide whether your situation is sufficiently serious to warrant spending money on professional guidance.
I believe we need to see a psychologist perhaps.
If you decide that your fiancÚ exhibits strong and persistent warning signs for NPD or BPD, I would agree that MC likely would be a waste of time until he has addressed those more serious issues in IC. Until then, his learning simple communication skills likely will not help your relationship. In that case, I would suggest you start by seeing your own
psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you are likely dealing with.