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heart is aching [UPDATE Putting off wedding...]


Getting Married Cold feet to pre-marital stressors--the place to discuss all the issues that come with saying "I do."

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Old 18th July 2016, 4:22 PM   #1
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heart is aching [UPDATE Putting off wedding...]

Need advise please....Ive been with a man for 4.5 yrs and we live together and proposed to me in December. The first 3.5 years he was texing,sexting,emailing,facebooking and messaging other woman that he felt was no big deal! I think it was...seeing trashy messages and pictures were being exchanged! I love this man so much but I cant sleep-eat and always thinking about what he did. It makes me sick!!!!I know he cheated on his ex wife but he blames her....Why would he do this to me when I was/am so good to him? Is this cheating to others? Can I ever trust him again? Its so hard to move on but I cant stop thinking of all these girls...not kidding when i say there was about 12-15 of them! He promised he stopped but i see he still would "like" one of the girls pic on fb....Moving on is so hard!!
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Old 18th July 2016, 4:34 PM   #2
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Need advise please....Ive been with a man for 4.5 yrs and we live together and proposed to me in December. The first 3.5 years he was texing,sexting,emailing,facebooking and messaging other woman that he felt was no big deal! I think it was...seeing trashy messages and pictures were being exchanged! I love this man so much but I cant sleep-eat and always thinking about what he did. It makes me sick!!!!I know he cheated on his ex wife but he blames her....Why would he do this to me when I was/am so good to him? Is this cheating to others? Can I ever trust him again? Its so hard to move on but I cant stop thinking of all these girls...not kidding when i say there was about 12-15 of them! He promised he stopped but i see he still would "like" one of the girls pic on fb....Moving on is so hard!!
He doesn't care about having a "good" woman. He sees you as a doormat. A woman that has no self-respect or any type of healthy boundaries. A woman that doesn't believe that she deserves any better.

You have taught him that you'll accept being treated so utterly poorly so why would he treat you with respect or care?

Get yourself tested for STDs.

Can you ever trust him again? No. The man has been cheating for 3.5 years! Are you asleep?
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Old 18th July 2016, 4:47 PM   #3
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Thanks for your input....I know im being so stupid!! If my family and friends only knew! I need to buck up and do something about this! I know i dont deserve this..but he makes it so hard cause he so nice to me and makes me feel loved! Yeah...dumb me!! I should of ran 3 months after i caught him doing this junk!!! Time for me to put my big girl panties on!!!
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Old 18th July 2016, 4:55 PM   #4
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Thanks for your input....I know im being so stupid!! If my family and friends only knew! I need to buck up and do something about this! I know i dont deserve this..but he makes it so hard cause he so nice to me and makes me feel loved! Yeah...dumb me!! I should of ran 3 months after i caught him doing this junk!!! Time for me to put my big girl panties on!!!
Of course he's nice and loving, it's when he knows he has to pull the wool over your eyes and you foolishly lap up the little bit that he gives you, magnifying it as some kind of genuine act love. He knows you're so desperate and dependent, and he knows what buttons to push to keep you sitting there in the corner accepting all his BS. Free sex, companionship, maid service, cook, etc. It's an awesome deal. He gets you as a fallback at home, and the freedom to go out and stick his thing in whatever he wants, while you sit there accepting it all...and trust it isn't just online cheating.

I'm sorry I'm harsh but you really need a knock over the head. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

Are you so lacking in self-esteem that you believe this is the best you can do? 3.5 years of cheating and some "lovin" here and there is the best you can do? You have no sense of your worth or value?

Last edited by Zahara; 18th July 2016 at 4:58 PM..
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Old 18th July 2016, 5:05 PM   #5
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If he cheated on his wife what makes you think he wouldn't cheat on you? I'm sure she could claim he was nice to her too until he started cheating. Is he the only man who has ever been nice to you and made you feel loved? If not, find one because there are plenty of them out there.
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Old 18th July 2016, 5:06 PM   #6
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Your right!!!! Im so discusted in myself for putting up with it! My self-esteem was there when we met but i think he knocked it down! Time to rebuild and find myself again! I cant worry about what other ppl will think...and if they even knew what he had all done. Time for me to take time for me!! I know this....if this was one of my friends or family I would be kicking them in the butt asking what are they thinking! I need to stop worring about his feeling and how sad he'll be!!! He obviously didnt think of my feelings! Thanks so much for knocking me over the head! lol
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Old 18th July 2016, 5:09 PM   #7
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I need to stop worring about his feeling and how sad he'll be!!! He obviously didnt think of my feelings! Thanks so much for knocking me over the head! lol
How sad he'll be? That's a play to make you feel guilty. It's to make you feel bad about leaving. You think he's sad because he feels an emotional loss for you? No, 1) he shows you he is sad to guilt you into staying 2) he is sad because he's losing his puppet.

Stop being so gullible. If the man loves you, he wouldn't have been treating you terribly for all these years.
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Old 18th July 2016, 5:17 PM   #8
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Been there, done that, have turmoil to show for it.

Does he "make you feel loved" when he continually disrespects you as he does?
And yes, it's cheating. CHEATING repeatedly. The messages are enough, but i'm willing to bet there's even more.

So you found out recently or you've known this whole time? Either way - please do yourself a favor and let it go. He won't EVER change. He'll in fact only get worse, believe me. He has zero respect or love for you. Like the post above said, he will only be sad for himself that he's lost his puppet and sure thing. Please expect the usual - I'll change; you're the love of my life; I can't live without you; I'm so broken, I've learned from my errors; There's no other woman like you, i took you for granted, etc etc. It'll all be BS. Just know that ahead of time. And expect some mind tricks if he's the manipulative type - tricks to make you question if you were somehow in the wrong in some way or another. It's all part of the script you should guard against if you dump him - which you really, really should.
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Old 28th December 2016, 4:32 PM   #9
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Unhappy Putting off wedding...

I got engaged 1 year ago and putting it off due to trust issues....

Can a person trust someone that was not faithful from the beginning?
Can someone change...

He did it to his ex wife before their divorce and to myself for 4 years out of 4.5 year relationship .....can he change or is he playing with my head? He thinks that texing,sexting,messages and indecent pictures to other females were no big deal but promises to never do it again! Heard that before and he did it again.

I have not seen anything in the last year that makes me think he is unfaithful but to trust again is so hard with his past!
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Old 28th December 2016, 5:07 PM   #10
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You didn't provide much information but if he did it once (or twice) then he is likely to do it again. It sounds like you don't trust his decision making/boundaries when it comes to this stuff.

For me, it would be hard to deal with the idea a guy I was with was diverting his attention in that manner behind my back. I think that's that part that bothers me the most when married men try to hit on me and their wives don't know.
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Old 28th December 2016, 5:21 PM   #11
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So he cheated on his ex, and has cheated on you for 90% of your relationship.

No, marriage will not make him faithful, and yes he is messing with your head.

Why are you even entertaining the thought of marrying him? Why do you allow yourself to be treated like this?

Unless you are okay with your husband having a series of mistresses (and most likely exposing you to every single person they have slept with), I wouldn't recommend marriage.
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Old 28th December 2016, 5:43 PM   #12
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I agree with RC. Your wedding needs to be called off and not just postponed.
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Old 28th December 2016, 6:22 PM   #13
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In your thread back in July you said this:

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Time for me to take time for me!! I know this....if this was one of my friends or family I would be kicking them in the butt asking what are they thinking! I need to stop worring about his feeling and how sad he'll be!!! He obviously didnt think of my feelings! Thanks so much for knocking me over the head! lol
How'd you get from there to the verge of marriage to this guy ?

Your BF has done you an incredible favor, showing you exactly what marriage to him would be like, complete with other women.

Anything from here on is completely on you, can't say he didn't warn you...

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Old 29th December 2016, 9:52 AM   #14
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Run, Don't walk away. Too many of us have been burned with unfaithful people. If it's serial cheating, they have a character flaw and it will take more then wishful thinking to have them change.
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Old 29th December 2016, 1:31 PM   #15
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You'd be an absolute fool to marry this man, ever.
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