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Why are people still getting married?


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LookAtThisPOst

I read this article...

 

 

In the Season of Marriage, a Question. Why Bother?

 

Though with people marrying less and less, people are STILL getting married...why? The article mentions that the only viable reason that it's a status thing. A "Capstone" to someone's success after they've landed a successful career and reached other objectives in life.

 

It's the final stone in the building of one's life's goals and objectives.

 

Those are still marrying are those that are well off financially, while those in a lower income bracket...are just co-habitating indefinitely.

 

The financially endowed also pay entirely for their own wedding receptions and such...which sets apart from the days where the parents were the one paying for the celebration.

 

Thoughts?

 

So does that mean people who say, "You don't need a piece of paper to say you love each other." are just unable to afford marriage?

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Save for outliers, people are, mostly, still socialized within current or former marriages, receive societal and peer messages that marriage is social success and, most importantly, believe it. Government supports this through laws which advantage marriage over other unions/partnerships. It's all a racket to keep the worker bees working :D

 

The most relevant reason is: They want to. Nothing more complicated than that.

 

Having grown up to adulthood in the era the article mentioned, the 1970's, heh, I struggle to remember one couple who lived together for any significant period. Most were married and had children by the age of 20, with those who went to college there by 25. By the time I was 25, all my social circle were married and most had school-age children. However, having gone to college and being exposed to the big cities, I knew the sexual and free love revolutions were well underway and free-form association was on the rise and marriage was increasingly optional. Still the negative labels of people who cohabitated unmarried and, especially, had children while unmarried persisted. That's what social and peer pressure is all about. The same applied to me for being single and unmarried. Ultimately, my married friends found little common ground and most of the friendships dissolved. Part of life. Much later, once the seal of marital approval was applied, married couples returned to the friendship fold. That's how society works. Love it or leave it. I left.

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Cablebandit

I love being married to my wife. I think, for me, it was a symbolic and contractual commitment that I would be willing to do the work to maintain a healthy relationship. It was also a social/traditional expectation. I like the security of knowing that my wife has made the same commitment to our relationship. Could we have this commitment without a marriage certificate, absolutely. I think it just strengthens the commitment by getting married. It works for us but your choice is not wrong if it works for you and your partner.

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If you read the article carefully, demographers still predict that 80% of Americans will marry in the course of their life. People still want career, marriage, and family, but have changed the order in which they seek to attain each step. Marriage is now the last step for many.

 

College educated women are still putting marriage before having children, and marry with the purpose of raising a family within a long term marriage:

 

Moreover, their marriages are lasting longer — since 1980 the divorce rate has dropped faster for those with college degrees, so that about one in six of their marriages ends in divorce in the first 10 years, compared with nearly one in two marriages among people without high school degrees.

 

College-educated Americans constitute the winners in our new economy and they are sticking with long-term marriage as a context for rearing children.

 

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Because when you really love somebody you want to cement that love. I would have been happy without the piece of paper but it really means a lot to my wife and that is reason enough.

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blackcat777

I used to very cynically think that marriage was just a piece of paper, after watching my parents both divorce/remarry 3-4 times...

 

...until I met my boyfriend, I started having these completely outlandish thoughts about commitment, what it means to inspire commitment from a person, how to build a foundation for my life with love, trust, mutual support, honesty...

 

Something just hit me one day that I didn't want to go down the same path my parents did. There are happy, long-lasting marriages out there, ones than span for over half a decade.

 

I want one of those. And I'm going to keep creeping on Loveshack until I figure out how. :laugh:

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Marriage makes your relationship more permanent. You can't simply leave one another after you are married because of legal obligation, its supposed to be that you have a life partnership and plan on sharing your assets.

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Because getting married makes you officially family.

A couple can live together, have kids together, buy a house and share bills build a life together...but it's not the same.

You are always just the boyfriend or the girlfriend, or the baby-daddy.

If there are kids from a previous relationship you are always just mom's boyfriend, not dad or step dad.

If something happens to that person ( death, accident, illness) you have no say.

 

Rights and decisions are left to the family, not to you.

 

You are not truly family until you are married.

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Lois_Griffin
So does that mean people who say, "You don't need a piece of paper to say you love each other." are just unable to afford marriage?

This is usually said by those who want all the advantages of marriage - living with someone, having a mate to do things for them, having someone to contribute financially, having kids and buying a home and all the things one does when they're married - without actually having to marry someone.

 

Admittedly, I'm older. But I'd NEVER have a kid with some guy who thought I wasn't good enough to marry. That would never happen in my world.

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Arieswoman

OP,

People get married for all sorts of reasons, so I am not going to speculate on why other people get married.

 

When I first got married ( and I have been married twice, now with second husband) I believed that I was entering into special relationship.

 

The first time, I made promises, in front of family and friends, that was entering into relationship of mutual sexual exclusivity, for life and that I would support, honour and respect my husband.

 

This was a Civil Ceremony ( as my husband was an atheist) and I passed on a church wedding as I did not want my God insulted by someone who did not believe in Him making promises in front of Him as in my mind they would have been hypocritical and worthless.

 

It was a big mistake on my part to get involved with someone who did not have any kind of belief system.

 

I kept my vows and my husband did not. I divorced him for adultery.

 

Many years later I met my second husband who believed what I did and we had a Church wedding, which was very meaningful to both of us.

 

A church wedding IMO will add a spiritual dimension to a marriage. The ceremony includes God and looks to him for help and guidance. God’s blessing is the main attraction for many couples, whatever their beliefs.

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ladyluck777

I think most people like the feeling of getting married, and being married. It gives them a sense that the relationship is more official. It is still a common custom among people so people consider it a part of life.

 

Seeing that 80% of people marry at some point was impressive, considering that it is no longer an expectation to get married due to pregnancy and childbirth. Wouldn't this mean that marriages today are more meaningful, since more are by choice or are they less meaningful, since people know that divorces are easily attainable?

 

I was surprised that 47% of women in their 20s who give birth are unmarried. Is that in part due to higher tax credits for low wage earners? Or is it more because women in today's time are much more independent than before?

 

For me, it was important to wait until my income was very stable to have children. Also, to wait until home life was stable (good marriage). After I met the income goal, I set an age goal for myself. If I am alone at that age, I will probably have a child anyway, so I do not miss out on it. I won't do it at all if I am in a bad marriage, I don't want to put a child through that.

 

I didn't realize that marriage has become more of something people who are financially well off do. I found this interesting. An article from the Huffington Post, "Marriage for Low-Income Americans is Still Worth Fighting For", says that people with less income are afraid they can't afford marriage and one factor being the ability to afford a wedding.

 

Why are people putting so much expectation on weddings? I did my wedding myself and paid for it all. It is very true that they are expensive. I didn't know what I was getting into. I cut every cost possible and ended up spending $2,000. If I had it to do over again, I would have had a nice little backyard ceremony with a few guests. I think if trends were made of thrifty weddings, small gatherings, more people would step forward and do it. I think it is a shame that people hold off because of something so material.

 

My marriage has been very rocky from the beginning. I believe I rushed into it, feeling like I was left behind. Everyone I knew was married. I think my spouse did it for family acceptance and his heart wasn't fully in it. He was pressured by his family to make it official. Because of that, I believe marriage scared him. He estranged himself from me soon after. I'm not shifting blame in one direction. I caved and made mistakes I shouldn't have. If I knew any possible way to make mine work, I would. If I had it to do over again, I would have co-inhabited because our relationship was perfect then.

 

In spite of feeling that way about my marriage, to me, marriage is a very important thing.

Edited by ladyluck777
appended wording.
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Marriage is very important thing to me too. We get married beacuse we wanted it. I was proud to say that my boyfriend is my husband now and he is officially mine.

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OP,

People get married for all sorts of reasons, so I am not going to speculate on why other people get married.

 

When I first got married ( and I have been married twice, now with second husband) I believed that I was entering into special relationship.

 

The first time, I made promises, in front of family and friends, that was entering into relationship of mutual sexual exclusivity, for life and that I would support, honour and respect my husband.

 

This was a Civil Ceremony ( as my husband was an atheist) and I passed on a church wedding as I did not want my God insulted by someone who did not believe in Him making promises in front of Him as in my mind they would have been hypocritical and worthless.

 

It was a big mistake on my part to get involved with someone who did not have any kind of belief system.

 

I kept my vows and my husband did not. I divorced him for adultery.

 

Many years later I met my second husband who believed what I did and we had a Church wedding, which was very meaningful to both of us.

 

A church wedding IMO will add a spiritual dimension to a marriage. The ceremony includes God and looks to him for help and guidance. God’s blessing is the main attraction for many couples, whatever their beliefs.

 

I believe that a family prays together, stays forever...

During our 4 years together, he always go to church with me. But during our 5 to 8 years he just keep drinking and not going to church anymore. And now he broke up with me.

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I was surprised that 47% of women in their 20s who give birth are unmarried. Is that in part due to higher tax credits for low wage earners? Or is it more because women in today's time are much more independent than before?

 

I was 29 and defacto when we had our first child. Neither of these were relevant reasons for me. We chose to have a child at that stage because we felt our relationship was ready. Neither of us cared about marriage.

 

As far as tax goes, under Australian law, our marital status changes nothing.

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Marriage makes your relationship more permanent. You can't simply leave one another after you are married because of legal obligation, its supposed to be that you have a life partnership and plan on sharing your assets.

 

Actually, the legal obligation is something to simply be unentangled. Just more paperwork. I did it and many other do too.

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I was surprised that 47% of women in their 20s who give birth are unmarried. Is that in part due to higher tax credits for low wage earners? Or is it more because women in today's time are much more independent than before?

 

In my travels, being a recent twentysomething, it's often because the pregnancy wasn't planned.

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thefooloftheyear

I'm not anti marriage by any means...Although admittedly, by today's standards, it does seem kin of archaic...

 

I do think some people use marriage to feed some level of insecurities they may have...Like somehow they have now "locked" the other person down...

 

There is a woman I know....She has been with a guy for some years...She is constantly going on about him not proposing..He;s been married twce and in his late 50's..I highly doubt he's going to propose, but I dunno...I have heard her say on several occasions, that she wants him to marry her so he can't run off so easily....:rolleyes:.

 

That's kinda warped thinking< IMO, but I don't think its so rare...

 

Meh..At the end of the day, if marriage works as intended, it is a great thing for all..

 

TFY

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Wave Rider

I feel like the responses so far miss the central point of the article: marriage is about status. You get married to show the world that your life is a success. You have a degree, a job, a house, and a partner, and to show it all off, you have a big celebratory wedding.

 

Yeah, people know that their marriages are somewhat likely to fail. But that's not the point of getting married. The point is to show off your life success.

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Arieswoman

Waverider,

I would disagree with this;

 

marriage is about status.

 

Years ago, women had no status in society, were not allowed to own property or manage their own money (if they had any) so getting married conferred on them both status and respectability.

 

Nowadays, the structure of society has changed.

 

Women no longer have to get married. There are successful single women who earn more than men, own property, are the CEO of various companies etc etc

 

So those that choose to get married do so for other reasons, maybe for love and companionship ?:)

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So those that choose to get married do so for other reasons, maybe for love and companionship ?:)

 

But you don't need marriage for love or companionship.

 

I think there is a certain status element to it. Not the kind of archaic status that you mentioned (that's long gone), but a kind of status among each other.

 

When I've heard women talk about marriage (especially upcoming wedding ceremonies), there definitely seems to be that element about it.

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Waverider,

I would disagree with this;

 

 

 

Years ago, women had no status in society, were not allowed to own property or manage their own money (if they had any) so getting married conferred on them both status and respectability.

 

Nowadays, the structure of society has changed.

 

Women no longer have to get married. There are successful single women who earn more than men, own property, are the CEO of various companies etc etc

 

So those that choose to get married do so for other reasons, maybe for love and companionship ?:)

 

Doesn't matter if/what women can do now a days...they still see marriage as something they have on their list of "achievements". In other words, it's not for "love/companionship", it's to show off that they got a job, a husband, a kid and are "superwoman" for "achieving" it all.

 

The sorry saps that marry women now a days are just along for the ride of being a "sperm donor", "wallet", and "babysitter" - who better "support" her and all the dreams she has. Kinda the same thing women complained about that men subjected them too - letting them sit in the so-called "background" and supported him and all his dreams/goals :rolleyes:

 

Now granted, there are/were some men who believed that as long as they brought a check home at the end of the day, their wife and kids weren't a concern. They got up, went to work, and plopped on the easy/rocking chair and smoked a pipe while wife had nothing going on for her all day - just sitting around waiting on him to come home. But SAHM/SAHW - if they want (and like some have posted here) can have a life. They can get involved in school activities, volunteer, etc.; and, when kids get old enough even go back to school/work - but nah, the majority of wives now a days only see their value if they're pulling a paycheck and not dare look otherwise. Marriage is still a "status" for them, but not for the same reasons like back in the day.

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georgia girl
I used to very cynically think that marriage was just a piece of paper, after watching my parents both divorce/remarry 3-4 times...

 

...until I met my boyfriend, I started having these completely outlandish thoughts about commitment, what it means to inspire commitment from a person, how to build a foundation for my life with love, trust, mutual support, honesty...

 

Something just hit me one day that I didn't want to go down the same path my parents did. There are happy, long-lasting marriages out there, ones than span for over half a decade.

 

I want one of those. And I'm going to keep creeping on Loveshack until I figure out how. :laugh:

 

This explains a lot of why to get married, actually.

 

Marriage isn't an achievement or an act. It is a legal status but that is not its sole emphasis. Marriage, to me, is a state of being and it is the act of creating your family, your next of kin.

 

Entering marriage for me was incredibly profound. I had "grown out" of my desire to be married because I hadn't truly falls in love. I didn't see the need. I was successful, financially independent with a great family, group of friends and an adorable house. I was grateful for what I had.

 

When I met my husband, I wasn't in that mindset. He had a spectacular bicycling injury and subsequent recovery that changed us and I realized I loved him in ways that words cannot describe. We married two years nearly to the date of that crash. We both had an almost undeniable urge to be "family."

 

A few years on and I will share these reflections. Your wedding day is truly one of the happiest days of your life. But there is a moment where you think, "Gosh this is it? A little theater? I don't FEEL different yet." Then honeymoon and you say, "Okay, I feel married now." Then the first trip to see family, the first wedding of someone else you attend, changing your name legally (if you choose to do so), etc. Finally, a first anniversary. You feel more married. Somewhere along the two year mark, it hits you. This is an evolution. "His" furniture is my furniture, too. We own more things as a couple than we brought into this marriage. I have as much of an obligation to his mom as I do my own. We actually have customs, shared vocabulary. We talk a lot about our future. Then, you realize marriage will age, grow and evolve over time. It is not static and as you each individually change, so will it. It can become so much richer if you invest in it and appreciate it for the gift that it is.

 

My point is that the case for marriage should be profound and undeniable within you and within your partner. It shouldn't be a destination that needs to happen by age 30, or with someone who has the appropriate career. It should be because you want to create your closest living relative and you are excited for the joys and intimacies that come with marriage (and I don't mean sex exclusively) as well as the work it will involve.

 

For me, it has been by far the best decision of my life.

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GunslingerRoland

Honestly as a late generation x'er most of the people I know in my general age group have gotten married seem to be doing it for the "right" reasons.

 

 

I don't know anyone who's gotten married just for the sake of it or for status reasons. Everyone I know who has done it, has married someone they loved that they really planned to be together with for the rest of their lives. Now of course marriage isn't easy, and there have been a couple of divorces, but it's minority and it wasn't because of getting married for the wrong reasons in the first place.

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Cablebandit
Waverider,

I would disagree with this;

 

 

 

Years ago, women had no status in society, were not allowed to own property or manage their own money (if they had any) so getting married conferred on them both status and respectability.

 

Nowadays, the structure of society has changed.

 

Women no longer have to get married. There are successful single women who earn more than men, own property, are the CEO of various companies etc etc

 

So those that choose to get married do so for other reasons, maybe for love and companionship ?:)

 

My wife makes more money than I do and we did not have a big wedding...we went to another country and married with no relatives or friends present. We did marry as a commitment to our love and companionship.

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holy crap. And I got married because I didn't have anything better to do at the time. You folks get married for like real legitimate reasons and stuff?

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