I think I need to end my engagement

[ecs33]

I'm a 29 year old man who has been engaged to a 27 year old woman since August. The Wedding isn't planned until the middle of next year, so I have time to think and brood about this.

 

Ultimately, I think I'm married to someone I simply don't love. I'm not sure if I ever loved anyone. On the surface, here are my complaints about the relationship:

 

1. I have a foot fetish and don't have any interest in sex. I've always had a problem where the girl wants sex but I have to think about feet in my head while having sex in order to maintain the erection. Girls always finish before I do, and getting me off takes monumental effort. This relationship is no different. I think this may be the biggest impactor on my ability to have healthy relationships. I also like to be the recipient of foot fetish activity and know a person who is willing to give that (I have no romantic interest for this person). I'm often tempted to see this person in order to "relieve" myself. I don't think my spouse is interested in this activity even though she says she is. I'm usually too embarrassed about the subject to push it and am understanding why she wouldn't be interested.

 

2. She travels for work so is physically unavailable most of the time. It would be OK with me if she were bringing home alot of money, but I'm raking in about 3 times what she is at this point. I don't find it worthwhile to be a breadwinner given current circumstances regarding my emotions.

 

3. She is overweight. I talked to her about this and she wants to get in better shape and go to the gym with me. But, I doubt anything will ever happen given how often she is gone.

 

4. No college degree, which necessitates the job she has I think. What makes me angry is her parents are willing to pay her education 100% yet she still won't get it over with?

 

#3 and #4 wouldn't be a problem if I truly loved her, I would think.

 

 

Her complaints about me:

 

1. I don't communicate. And this is true. I am often fearful or anxious that my words would seriously hurt her. It took so much for me to speak my concerns about her weight because she has a history of bulemia.

 

2. I've seem distant and disinterested lately. She thinks it's because of my marijuana use and maybe general depression. She asked that I see a therapist which I agreed was a good idea. I have been seeing this therapist for 4 weeks now. But, I think my total lack of interest in the relationship at this point may be the biggest driver.

 

3. She doesn't like the fact that I use marijuana on a daily basis and look at alot of porn. I see this as a personal problem too. But I think the porn is more attributable to my sexuality and difficulty in fulfilling myself in any normal sexual interaction.

 

 

My therapist thinks i'm not emotionally available enough to be ready for even dating. My therapist does believe that I should take care of the porn and pot use to determine if, after becoming more emotionally available, that I do become more interested in my spouse as an easy sexual and emotional release would not be so readily available to me.

 

Personally, my gut is beginning to tell me that, at the very least, I'm not ready for marriage. But, to be honest, the guilt and fear I feel in ending this is overwhelming and overpowers my desire to be free and figure things out.

 

Has anyone here been in a similar situation or know anyone that has?

[Grumpybutfun]

Do I know anyone who is immature and self absorbed and not ready for marriage? Yes, I do. They are usually best single. You already know you need to release this woman...you truly aren't compatible. As for the pot and porn...that is where your interests are so why fight being and doing what you want? Just don't drag someone else along with you on your frat boy journey.

Best,

Grumps

[ecs33]

Do I know anyone who is immature and self absorbed and not ready for marriage? Yes, I do. They are usually best single. You already know you need to release this woman...you truly aren't compatible. As for the pot and porn...that is where your interests are so why fight being and doing what you want? Just don't drag someone else along with you on your frat boy journey.

Best,

Grumps

 

Immature, yes I probably am. But self absorbed? I always thought relationships were supposed to be a 2 way street.

[d0nnivain]

There are too many negatives in here but no positives. End it now. Getting married just to get divorced is a waste of everybody's time & money.

[dichotomy]

"I have a foot fetish and don't have any interest in sex"

 

Marriage is not for everyone.

[piyu]

Please don't get married. You already know what you want. Even if you love someone and get married there are chances that the love will fade once the honeymoon period is over but if you have a lot of negative feelings in the beginning it won't even last for a month.

 

My husband and I got the same feelings when we were going to marry. I really didn't feel any connection. But because he looked good and our families got along very well and other insecurities I had at that time, I gave in and thought it might work. But I was so wrong, I should have taken my own feelings seriously. We got married and you know what, our love for each other was almost kind of over in just one month. When I was single I wanted to get married, now I am married but I want to be single.

 

Don't marry her, don't ignore the red flags you see in your future relationship. It's not healthy for either one of you. Wait till you get someone who is compatible with you.

[Gloria25]

"I have a foot fetish and don't have any interest in sex"

 

Marriage is not for everyone.

 

I'm sorry, but I don't believe that a person having a "fetish" condemns them to a life of singledom.

 

If your "fetish" is something that would cause harm and/or not something that your SO is willing to participate in, then yes you might have to give up that fetish.

 

I mean, I saw a show on ID where this guy's fetish is to literally have his wife "stomp" on stuff. At first she was cool with it cuz it was stomping on roaches, but when he escalated to chickies, she was out...and IMO, that's a fetish that causes harm to others (the poor little chickens) and required his SO to engage in activities that she didn't care for.

 

Look, if you can't turn to your SO and share intimacies, then that's sad. On another ID show, a wife discovered hubby was wasting their hard earned money on an escort to lightly flog him and throw champagne and strawberries on him. Wife was upset that he didn't share this with her, and now since she knows, both share their fantasies/fetishes.

 

So, it's up to you. Some people meet, date, and/or marry the "full package"...they have a lover and a friend. Some people believe they can live without certain things (passion, sex) because of the "qualities", etc their SO possess (ie sense of humor, good cook/parent)....but really, from the things that you listed about your fiancé, seems like you have more dislikes about her besides the fetish issues. And, life without sex is like having a "friendship/roommate" till death do you part and anyone can be a friend/roommate.

[Satu]

Snip

 

 

*Ultimately, I think I'm married to someone I simply don't love. I'm not sure if I ever loved anyone.

 

 

What does the word, 'love' mean to you?

[bigbaby]

I think that you have answered your own question.

 

 

"Ultimately, I think I'm married to someone I simply don't love."

 

 

What else is there to say, really? When you're not even married yet and there's this much to work out, I think most likely you're just not a good match.

 

 

Keep us posted and best wishes.

[BC1980]

I felt miserable just reading this. Why did you propose in the first place? But I pretty much agree with everyone else. Your gut feeling is there for a reason.

[Lois_Griffin]

I think you need to do this poor woman a favor and back out.

 

It's pretty sad when one of your 'complaints' is the fact that she doesn't have a college degree. Hardly the crime of the century.

 

That pales in comparison to your fault list - daily pot smoker, sexual deviant, emotionally unavailable, and sexually dysfunctional.

 

Honestly? You're going to be lucky to land anybody. Most women wouldn't put up with this nonsense. I think your girlfriend is settling because maybe she doesnt feel she can do better.

 

Tell her I said she can.

[Tayla]

In one sentence the OP is "married", then further thru, implies is still in the engagement phase. Until clarification can be rendered , the response will need to conform to the standard method of advisal. Get off the tracks if the train is rushing at you.

 

Glad that therapy is being sought. This lady will need therapy too as I do not see her self esteem going up with a gent that demeans her for her income.

[sandylee1]

You're right. You need to end the engagement pronto.

 

If you want a life partner or wife ...then go to a foot fetish website and take it from there.

 

Set your GF free. You are nowhere near ready for marriage.

 

BTW ... if her weight is an issue for you...why propose?

[devilish innocent]

The bottom line is that you don't really want to share the rest of your life with her. If you did, none of these reasons would marry.

 

I've known people who were engaged but didn't really want to marry the person they were engaged to. Depending on the person, it's ended up going one of two ways. Either they reached a point where they woke up one morning realizing what had to be done and went and got it over with. Or they kept avoiding the issue until the day of the wedding. The ones who avoided the issue ended up getting married only to be separated a year later. If you know you don't want to marry her, you need to be honest and tell her. Don't complicate things by getting married and hoping the problem will just go away.

[BettyDraper]

Listen to your therapist. End the engagement and work on yourself.

 

I would also suggest working on quitting daily pot use. I was a pothead myself and until I stopped smoking up constantly, I didn't realize how much clearer my mind and thought processes could be. I am far more motivated to exercise and contribute to the world. I'm also a far better wife.

[preraph]

I think maybe the main reason you are even considering marriage is because you feel it's a milestone most people must hit to keep from raising questions.

 

You are nowhere near ready. Keep working in therapy and maybe someday you will be. Let the woman know you're not plugged in enough for marriage. Set her free. Good luck.

[Mr. Lucky]

My therapist thinks i'm not emotionally available enough to be ready for even dating. My therapist does believe that I should take care of the porn and pot use to determine if, after becoming more emotionally available, that I do become more interested in my spouse as an easy sexual and emotional release would not be so readily available to me.

 

Why would you ignore the advice you're paying good money to get ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[GreatCatch]

Hello Mr. Foot Fetish,

 

Okay, so really? Do you really need to post this here or are do you want to let the world know you have a foot fetish. I can read into just about anything now. Experience and time...Wow.

 

Okay, let's great real. It's time to get real. This isn't an engagement. She probably went along with your whole foot fetish thing for a while and isn't really going along with it like you want her to now, so now what do you do?

 

Well, the whole engagement was a sham from the very beginning.

 

Just be nice about it and tell her that you don't think you will be able to make her happy because the truth is you won't be able to make her happy.

 

Say goodbye and let her get on with her life.

 

Thanks.

[Earlybird]

My therapist thinks i'm not emotionally available enough to be ready for even dating. My therapist does believe that I should take care of the porn and pot use to determine if, after becoming more emotionally available, that I do become more interested in my spouse as an easy sexual and emotional release would not be so readily available to me.

 

I think your therapist is wrong: I think you should put an end to the pot, porn AND the engagement. Otherwise you'll be stressed out, in withdrawal, and taking it all out on her.

 

And don't feel guilty about ending it. Us women bounce back very easily. She'll be much happier after.

 

Learn from my mistake. I used to have a hideously flawed theory that one could buck the trend and have a bad start to a relationship and then somehow go uphill. I've put that theory to the test, and six years into it I've finally accepted it's never going to work.