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Significant other won't work, hurting our relationship


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So I usually don't ask for advice or anything but I've been put in a position that is really stressful. My fiancé & I have been together for 3 years, we have a 1 year old & im currently 8 months pregnant with our 2nd child. For the past 2 years we've been living at his grandparents, then his brothers basement & now at his mothers. He hasn't had a job since September 2015.

 

We've been struggling trying to get by & I have told him he needs to go out & get a job since I can't provide right now. He has been waiting on his mom & step dads business to come through & get a job but he's been waiting for this job for 3 years. Sometimes I just think he's lazy because he will play video games all day, or go hang out with his friends & leave me at home with our son. I do everything for our son, cook all his meals, play with him, bathe him, & comfort him when he's upset.. I feel like I'm doing everything so he can do whatever HE wants to do.

 

I don't have any friends, I stay at home all day with our son while he gets to sit around & be lazy. I've told him to go out & get a job & he says "he can try" or that he doesn't want to get one for a short period of time when this other job is "suppose" to come through. I'm being pushed to my limit. We've borrowed money from his family, & my family just to live these last couple months & he still hasn't found a job.

 

Idk what else to do but I'm about to go into labor & I can't keep living at other people's homes & bounce around. When the new baby is 2 months old I plan on getting a job just so I can have money on my pocket.

 

I'm just so fed up & wondering if any other women are going through this & what their input is... ?

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GunslingerRoland
Sometimes I just think he's lazy because he will play video games all day, or go hang out with his friends & leave me at home with our son. I do everything for our son, cook all his meals, play with him, bathe him, & comfort him when he's upset..

 

Sometimes you think he's lazy? How do you explain the behavior of a grown man who asks like a 10 year old on summer break the rest of the time?

 

 

Why are you putting up with any of this? He should be working, and helping out with the housework.... at 8 months pregnant he should be doing the majority of it.

 

 

He isn't being a partner to you, nor a parent to your son right now. You need to put your foot down or nothing will change. This is NOT normal in a relationship.

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If you go back to work, you will have built in child care with him but I'm not sure what else he brings to the party. Presumably you get a break on rent because you live with his relatives.

 

 

I would not marry him or have more kids with him until you get this straightened out

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I've been trying to make it work honestly. When we first got together we use to have so much fun & be a happy couple. I just get so mad at him sometimes for the way that I feel because I want to make it work so we can be a happy family & my boys don't have to grow up with their parents not together but it is truly hard & especially when he's constantly home yet I'm the one always doing the housework & taking care of our son. I've came to a conclusion because I've been talking to my mother & if things don't change after this new baby then I am getting my own place with the help of my mom & going back to work. It just makes me so mad that I would have to do drastic measures like that in order for him to see I'm serious, because when I talk to him I swear it goes in 1 ear & out the other. It's just so much to be going through while pregnant!

 

Sometimes you think he's lazy? How do you explain the behavior of a grown man who asks like a 10 year old on summer break the rest of the time?

 

 

Why are you putting up with any of this? He should be working, and helping out with the housework.... at 8 months pregnant he should be doing the majority of it.

 

 

He isn't being a partner to you, nor a parent to your son right now. You need to put your foot down or nothing will change. This is NOT normal in a relationship.

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Can you leave him and go home to your parents house?

 

I can't stay at my moms because she lives with my grandpa & there's no room in the house.. :/ but my aunt has offered for me to live with her. It sounds stupid but I don't want to have to break my family apart because he wants to be selfish.. But the more people I talk to tell me the same thing, I need to leave or scare him so he will change. It just makes me mad that I would have to do that to show a grown man what he NEEDS to do.

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I wouldn't tolerate this at all.

 

You said you used to be happy and have fun, that's fine in casual dating, but marriage, a long term relationship and parenting require more than fun. Being responsible, taking care of your kids, working as a team and a ton of other qualities are more important and it seems he lacks anything else.

 

I would take your aunt up on her offer. But no way I'm sitting around pregnant plus with a small child with a guy who has no job, isn't looking for one, I have no money, we are moving from one relative's basement to a next etc. No way! That's also not good for the kids. Staying together is not always the right option, like what are your kids gonna learn growing up in grandpa's basement with a dad who plays games all day, has no job, and mom is tired, stressed, gets no help, dad doesn't care for them....that will also affect them negatively.

 

You're not his mom. He should know that he should be supporting his pregnant fiance and taking care of his kids and not borrowing money from everyone and living from basement to basement... If a man doesn't know this, there isn't much I'd be willing to do besides leave. I would let him know that's your plan.

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GunslingerRoland

I get that you want to keep your family together but you have to be real here.

 

 

I do everything for our son, cook all his meals, play with him, bathe him, & comfort him when he's upset..

 

 

He is not taking any role as the father to your children. To your child he is a strange man who is in your house playing video games sometimes. Thinking that maintaining this situation is in any way better for your kids, is not true.

 

 

Maybe when you leave he'll actually realize he wanted more of a relationship with the kids than he had before and try to get some sort of shared custody. But from what you've said, I don't see him bothering to even try to see the kids, once you leave.

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I've BTDT except in my case we were married and I was the one working.

 

If you go back to work, you will have built in child care with him but I'm not sure what else he brings to the party. Presumably you get a break on rent because you live with his relatives.

 

 

I would not marry him or have more kids with him until you get this straightened out

 

I agree with this. That's about what my ex brought to the relationship too.

 

I feel because I want to make it work so we can be a happy family & my boys don't have to grow up with their parents not together but it is truly hard & especially when he's constantly home yet I'm the one always doing the housework & taking care of our son.

 

I totally understand this feeling. You want your kids to grow up in the best circumstances possible. But with now he's not acting like a partner. He's acting like another child.

 

It sounds stupid but I don't want to have to break my family apart because he wants to be selfish.. But the more people I talk to tell me the same thing, I need to leave or scare him so he will change. It just makes me mad that I would have to do that to show a grown man what he NEEDS to do.

 

I had to file divorce before my ex took my seriously. By then it was too late. I was done.

 

I agree with the others that you need to just move on with you life. He's just dragging you down. I had the same fear - I didn't want to break my family apart. But the reality is his actions are doing it too. I'm sure you've told him all this but it's falling on deaf ears. Nothing is changing.

 

The other fear I had was not seeing the kids every day. It is strange at first but you get used to it. The kids get used to it. It feels nice to have a little time as a break when they are with their dad.

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I don't get why people choose to have kids when they're NOWHERE near being financially capable of supporting them. And if you were living in his grandmother's house and being supported by a 70 year old woman, you shouldn't have even been THINKING about having another kid - 'accident' or not. Bouncing around from relative to relative because your deadbeat boyfriend thinks it's perfectly fine to sponge off relatives while he acts like a dumb-ass 15 year old boy playing videos all day is NOT a gene pool you should be dipping into.

 

I just don't get it.

 

So his foolish mother is supporting 3 of you and soon it will be 4? What's wrong with her? She obviously didn't teach her deadbeat son the first thing about responsibility.

 

Any loser who allows his wife to support him only two months after she gave birth - because he's too lazy and unmotivated to get off his ass - is someone you need to leave.

 

Immediately.

 

And if you don't leave him, at the VERY least, find a better method of birth control.

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He is lazy! Most people need to work and they do work!

 

If he doesn't prioritize providing for you and your family now - he's not likely to ever prioritize that.

 

He won't! You must do this FOR YOURSELF. With or without him.

 

 

My best suggestion is without him. Ask family to help you with your kids so you can build a future for yourself and become independent and keep your kids.

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I agree with Lois.

 

Even if the guy had legitimate difficulty finding a job, he would still be:

 

1) helping out around the house - shoveling snow, doing dishes, cleaning, doing any maintenance work that was needed, etc., to lighten the load

 

2) playing with and caring for his kiddo

 

3) using all available avenues to make money, even if it's a short-term gig (delivering pizzas, bagging groceries, flipping burgers, shoveling snow for others, etc) Seriously, if he has to - hit up Craigslist. Lots of people post one-day "gigs" to help them move furniture or stuff like that.

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First of all I was asking for advice not somebody to put me down. We were financially stable when we had our first child. & not all birth control is effective, so unless you have advice without being ignorant then I don't really need your opinion. We chose to have 1 child, & the 2nd was a surprise, but I don't regret my children because I love them. So like I said unless you have some good advice or something nice to say, don't even bother to comment your negative & ignorant comment. Thank you.

I don't get why people choose to have kids when they're NOWHERE near being financially capable of supporting them. And if you were living in his grandmother's house and being supported by a 70 year old woman, you shouldn't have even been THINKING about having another kid - 'accident' or not. Bouncing around from relative to relative because your deadbeat boyfriend thinks it's perfectly fine to sponge off relatives while he acts like a dumb-ass 15 year old boy playing videos all day is NOT a gene pool you should be dipping into.

 

I just don't get it.

 

So his foolish mother is supporting 3 of you and soon it will be 4? What's wrong with her? She obviously didn't teach her deadbeat son the first thing about responsibility.

 

Any loser who allows his wife to support him only two months after she gave birth - because he's too lazy and unmotivated to get off his ass - is someone you need to leave.

 

Immediately.

 

And if you don't leave him, at the VERY least, find a better method of birth control.

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Her comment was not rude or ignorant. It's the truth. You don't live on your own, or have either parent working so I'm not sure how you can argue you are financially stable.

 

Truth hurts. Let me tell you, this advice will sting but it's good advice given here.

 

If you want to stay together, you go to work and make dad the stay at home dad.

 

Problem solved right?

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I think you meant to say "insignificant other."

 

He is lazy. He is using them for an alibi. You'd be better off without him unless you think he can do childcare while you work. Which I doubt. He won't be able to pay attention to anything but his games. I'm afraid you have painted yourself into a corner. For goodness sake, don't have any more kids by him. He'll likely never even contribute financially at the rate he's going. You need to work either way or you'll have no roof over your head. he knows you're trapped there living with his folks and that gives him security, I'm sure. Get a job and start making plans to move out and in with a friend or relative by yourself and with the kids of your own and report him so they at least try to get some child support from him if he ever goes to work. At the very least, maybe he'd have to give up some of his welfare check if you are in the US.

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He's not a man, he's a child.

 

I would like to say this though about your birth control. I don't know what you're taking/ using, however, you're right, birth control isn't 100% but it's still a safe way to go about things. You can try looking into the IUD which ranges from $0-$1k (checked Google multiple of times for that) if you're on the pill try using the pill + condoms. If this does happen again, hoping it doesn't until you're stable, get plan b (morning after). There's so many different kinds of birth control, keep looking and again...pills + condoms are a good way to go just in case of anything. :)

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Do you plan to stay with him when he refuses to earn a living? Enough to support you and his kids by providing your own place to live and food to eat?

 

If he won't start working within 5 days - I'd send him packing! The thing is - he has no self pride - enough

To WANT to provide a nice life for you.

 

It takes a TON of effort to NOT work! Much more effort than just working each and every day if that's what's needed!

 

When anyone asks to work - people love it! I'm working 4 different jobs right now - mainly because I want to earn money!

 

He can work! He's trying NOT TO WORK!

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Sorry but you really have no place having more children when you're poor.

 

Why did you have the second child if you couldn't even afford to support yourself as it was?

Children shouldn't knowingly be brought into poverty. You should have thought about what a dead beat he was before popping out children to a man who doesn't even work. Good lord.

 

This guy won't suddenly become motivated to work unless he gets professional help. He may have depression or some mental illness that hampers his efforts to seek out work....

 

My blood boils when parents live with their parents and are unable to support themsleves wnd yet still have more kids :sick: children deserve better.

 

I realize this IS NOT YOUR FAULT that you're struggling to get by on the 1 income.......it is your partners fault. But why did you opt to brint another child into the world while you were in such financial hardship on account of your lazy @ss partner?

 

Right now you need to focus on getting a better job so that you can raise your children away from poverty; you CANNOT fctor him into the picture when it comes to your financial objectives and future plans. It's clear that he most likely won't step up do now it's time for 7ou to fight to earn a better income for your children.

 

If the guy decides to change, great. Two full time incomes are enough to raise children albeit not always comfortably. If he remains unemployed. ..then you had the kids so you should do whatever it takes to afford a non cr@ppy life without poverty for your children.

 

Time to stop waiting for him to change and take action to ensure your kids don't grow up in poverty.

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I don't get why people choose to have kids when they're NOWHERE near being financially capable of supporting them. And if you were living in his grandmother's house and being supported by a 70 year old woman, you shouldn't have even been THINKING about having another kid - 'accident' or not. Bouncing around from relative to relative because your deadbeat boyfriend thinks it's perfectly fine to sponge off relatives while he acts like a dumb-ass 15 year old boy playing videos all day is NOT a gene pool you should be dipping into.

 

I just don't get it.

 

So his foolish mother is supporting 3 of you and soon it will be 4? What's wrong with her? She obviously didn't teach her deadbeat son the first thing about responsibility.

 

Any loser who allows his wife to support him only two months after she gave birth - because he's too lazy and unmotivated to get off his ass - is someone you need to leave.

 

Immediately.

 

And if you don't leave him, at the VERY least, find a better method of birth control.

 

 

 

It makes me sick, personally.

 

Poor children. Being born to a life of poverty.

 

Yes yes, we all know the old adage " a rich parent who's abusive or sociopathic is worse than a popr but loving parent". I get it. But KNOWINGLY bringing her TWO kids into POVERTY is unethical in my opinion. Abortion exists. Sometimes you have to out your own SELFISH needs aside and do what's best for any unborn child.

 

I would find it SOOOOOOO painful to have an abortion with my current partner; we both absolutely love the IDEA and the THOUGHT of having our baby together. ... when you're this in love, an abortion would not feel natural... because every part of me would want to keep it.

But I'd have the abortion because I don't think it's ETHICAL to knowingly bring a child into poverty when there are such things as abortions.

 

 

The OP needs to get herself a better job so that she can provide a decent life to her children. She SHOULD NOT wait around for her *partner * to contribute. She needs to act asap for the sake of those poor kids. ......

 

Please act OP for the sake of your kids. Don't sit around and wait for your lazy parter to get a job. Take the necessary steps to put yourself in a position to earn enough money to give the children a comfortable life.

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Not having sex with an irresponsible man/boy will prevent having another child with him, so failed birth control is really no excuse for continuing to expose kids t this bad situation. Dump him and get a job and file for child support and see if the choice between going to jail and getting a job to pay child support will motivate him a little.

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seekingpeaceinlove

For the sake of your children, LEAVE HIM. They can still have a close relationship with their Dad if he makes the effort to do so. Doubtful though considering he doesn't care for them now.

 

Your fiance is the definition of a deadbeat....you know that. I think it's a good idea that you've tentatively set plans to move out and get a job once your child is born.

 

You need to plan for a future without your fiance's support. Your children deserve better than being bounced from home to home and not having stablility in their lives. You have no choice but to create a better environment for them.

 

Let mama bear come out and take charge of your lives. Do not even consider marrying your fiance or even letting him live with you until he can prove that he will support and contribute to the family.

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seekingpeaceinlove

One more thing..You do realize that he is not a Dad but a sperm donor at this point. You want better for your children? Take action. Make official plans and be ready before you give birth to your child. That way, you'll feel somewhat less anxious and stressed. It'll be extremely difficult after giving birth with the hormones, the stress of a new baby, the physical exhaustion to try and deal with your situation shortly after the birth.

 

Set your plans now. Get it done and breath a little easier for now.

 

Good luck.

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I can't stay at my moms because she lives with my grandpa & there's no room in the house.. :/ but my aunt has offered for me to live with her. It sounds stupid but I don't want to have to break my family apart because he wants to be selfish.. But the more people I talk to tell me the same thing, I need to leave or scare him so he will change. It just makes me mad that I would have to do that to show a grown man what he NEEDS to do.

 

He does need to ship up or ship out! He is NOT acting like a caring, loving father, nor is being a helpful providing partner to you. Why doesn't he want to spend time with his kid! Why isn't he seeing how tired you are and seeing how much you do and not helping or trying to make things easier for you? Oh wait, because he's selfish and as someone else said before, a man child. He doesn't want the responsibility, he wants to do as he pleases when he wants and puts himself first above you and the kid(s). That's wrong!

 

Do scare him! He needs to see what life is like without you in it. GO to your aunts house for a few months, then see if he changes his ways. Tell him you expect more of him and he's let you down. Tell him he needs to get a job and stop acting like a spoiled teen who sits at home playing video games all day and expects everybody to serve him while he doesn't lift a finger!

 

He seems entitled and that's not good.

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OP first you need to get through the birth of your new bundle of joy. Try to stay positive for your kids sakes. What is done is done and there is no point in posters berating you for being pregnant as obviously you can't unring that bell. Now you just have to make the best of the situation.

 

After the baby is born and you have had some time to recover and bond with your new baby I would strongly suggest that you get rid of your boyfriend. He is unlikely to change much in the near future and he may never change. My kids father was lazy and selfish and he still is until this day. My kids are adults now and their father is currently unemployed (as usual) and he borrows money from my kids! It makes my blood boil but I stay out of it because they are adults and they can make their own decisions and they have gotten better about setting boundaries where he is concerned. The point is that he never changed and getting myself away from him was one of my better decisions.

 

Take whatever help your family can offer and find a way to become self sufficient. Becoming a strong independent woman will be the best gift you ever give yourself and your children. Don't leave one deadbeat just to hook up with another loser later on. Your kids deserve better than that and so do you. It can be hard and lonely to be a single parent but start making good decisions now and you will reap the benefits later on. I wish you luck.

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Sorry you're going through this OP ...and I truly respect your wanting to keep your family together. You know your bf ... The father of your child and soon to be child ... Needs to be part of the equation to put his family first (instead of himself or some dream of working for the "family") and get a job.

 

His family is enabling him ... And I have to say, with your attitude with regard to one poster's feedback ... You also are enabling (making excuses for) your bf.

 

Personally, should you get a job ... Please do not leave your kids all day with this guy ... He'll be busy with his video games and one of the kids will wind up on the 6 o'clock news as drowning in the bathtub. Sorry ... Your bf is the true definition of deadbeat ... You're living in a relative's basement??! Well that's one way to ensure your kids can't wait to leave home ASAP ... do you want your kids telling their friends they live in a basement? You deserve better and so you should give your kids better.

 

Leave him till he decides to father/husband up ... His actions following that will tell you your next move. Are you brave enough to stand up for yourself and your kids and what's right?

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