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7 years and no ring


Cupcake101

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My boyfriend and I met when I was a year out of a long term marriage.

I have three kids who have grown up with him and who have strong ties to him.

We have a wonderful unique connection, but whenever the commitment word came up in the past, he would shut down, and tell me he loved us but wasn't ready for being a family man, etc. That was really painful and we tried to break up then, but it didn't happen.

We have broken up twice where he stays at his moms for a week and then he tells me how much he cares and is on the same page, so we kept getting back together. He is 36 and I'm 40.

I feel as though I have wasted my time and energy. We have such a strong connection, and he had asked me to pick out rings 6 months ago.

When I see that no progress is being made I comment on what his plans are and he's been telling me he's saving up, not sure which one to get.

Today he told me it's because he's unfulfilled since our relationship will take too much time away from his personal time/needs.

I have realized that I just want to be valued in that way and no matter how much I love him, have no time for this.

I asked why couldn't he just tell me that 6 month, 2,5, 7 years ago.

He said he's still experimenting to see if this works.

If I don't bring it up, he just asks like everything is fine and keeps going.

He acts like we are married but doesn't make that next step.

Is there something I'm missing here?

I'm ready to cut the cord, but bringing someone else in my life with my kids just isn't an option at this point. Any ideas would be helpful. Thanks!

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My boyfriend and I met when I was a year out of a long term marriage.

I have three kids who have grown up with him and who have strong ties to him.

We have a wonderful unique connection, but whenever the commitment word came up in the past, he would shut down, and tell me he loved us but wasn't ready for being a family man, etc. That was really painful and we tried to break up then, but it didn't happen.

We have broken up twice where he stays at his moms for a week and then he tells me how much he cares and is on the same page, so we kept getting back together. He is 36 and I'm 40.

I feel as though I have wasted my time and energy. We have such a strong connection, and he had asked me to pick out rings 6 months ago.

When I see that no progress is being made I comment on what his plans are and he's been telling me he's saving up, not sure which one to get.

Today he told me it's because he's unfulfilled since our relationship will take too much time away from his personal time/needs.

I have realized that I just want to be valued in that way and no matter how much I love him, have no time for this.

I asked why couldn't he just tell me that 6 month, 2,5, 7 years ago.

He said he's still experimenting to see if this works.

If I don't bring it up, he just asks like everything is fine and keeps going.

He acts like we are married but doesn't make that next step.

Is there something I'm missing here?

I'm ready to cut the cord, but bringing someone else in my life with my kids just isn't an option at this point. Any ideas would be helpful. Thanks!

 

from his personal time/needs -- He has a negative view of what marriage means for a man/him. He views it as having to give up his freedom.

 

What is/are his previous relationship experience(s)?

 

You've attempted to break up three times in the past and it doesn't "take". Given some of the things you've said that he's said, he comes back simply because it's just easier than breaking up. He has all he wants from a relationship just the way it is, and you are willing to let him have it that way.

 

He acts like we are married -- but his words indicate he's not ready. wasn't ready for being a family man

We have a wonderful unique connection, but whenever the commitment word came up in the past, he would shut down -- that sounds like a huge disconnect.

 

If I don't bring it up, he just asks like everything is fine and keeps going -- He gives you lip service knowing you'll drop it and keep moving as if everything is ok. If you bring it up, you give them a reasonable amount of time to demonstrate their sincerity. If it doesn't happen, you move on. You don't just keep bringing it up and dropping it. It sets a pattern that is difficult to break away from.

 

He's still "experimenting"? Let him look for another specimen. It's time for you to move on and stick to it. I'm sorry to say that, but reality is reality. He sounds immature, insecure (I say that because he knows it should end because he can't/doesn't want to give you what you want, but doesn't want to look for or thinks he won't find anyone else anyway). Send him home to his mother so she can finish the job she started . . .

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That last part made me laugh out loud, because that's where he is staying now.

Thanks so much for your insight and breaking it down for me!

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I stayed with a guy for almost a decade. He fed me the line of BS that marriage is just a piece of paper.

 

Your guy is stringing you along. He likes the status quo & has very little interest in marrying you.

 

You need to figure out what you want more him or marriage & act accordingly.

 

If you break up with him he might come trailing after to you with a ring but is that really what you want, to force him into it? Also don't break up with him expecting he will come running. Only break up because you are done.

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My boyfriend and I met when I was a year out of a long term marriage.

I have three kids who have grown up with him and who have strong ties to him.

We have a wonderful unique connection, but whenever the commitment word came up in the past, he would shut down, and tell me he loved us but wasn't ready for being a family man, etc. That was really painful and we tried to break up then, but it didn't happen.

We have broken up twice where he stays at his moms for a week and then he tells me how much he cares and is on the same page, so we kept getting back together. He is 36 and I'm 40.

I feel as though I have wasted my time and energy. We have such a strong connection, and he had asked me to pick out rings 6 months ago.

When I see that no progress is being made I comment on what his plans are and he's been telling me he's saving up, not sure which one to get.

Today he told me it's because he's unfulfilled since our relationship will take too much time away from his personal time/needs.

I have realized that I just want to be valued in that way and no matter how much I love him, have no time for this.

I asked why couldn't he just tell me that 6 month, 2,5, 7 years ago.

He said he's still experimenting to see if this works.

If I don't bring it up, he just asks like everything is fine and keeps going.

He acts like we are married but doesn't make that next step.

Is there something I'm missing here?

I'm ready to cut the cord, but bringing someone else in my life with my kids just isn't an option at this point. Any ideas would be helpful. Thanks!

 

Sorry about this, but gently, he did tell you the truth years ago and each year after when he didn't marry you. He has never lied and said he's wanted to get married to you, he has said he's not ready to be a family man (which is such a huge red flag), he has shut down every time you've brought up commitment (and red flag, YOU have to bring it up, a man who wants it brings it up without prompting) and all of this is why you've broken up or tried to break up several times....so you do have to admit that part of this is your own desire to see him change even though his actions and words have said plainly that he didn't want to get married to you or be a family man.

 

I'm not beating up on you OP, so don't take it that way, I'm just pointing out that it might be easier to put things into perspective, esp your question about why he never told you this years ago, when in fact he did. I was just talking to a friend about this who just broke up with her bf after 5 years...and she was very angry at him for leading her on about the relationship, when in truth, he never did. His response to marriage was to ALWAYS avoid it and he's also said he didn't think he wanted that, and she still stayed, she broke up a few times, but went back, but that was her choice, even though he wasn't saying anything concrete. It's the same here....

 

At this point, if you want a greater level of commitment, you will have to cut him loose, as he is firm about what he doesn't want. I can imagine how difficult it is, but you did end one marriage, so can surely find the strength to leave a non-marriage situation with a man who isn't on the same page. It won't be easy, but you can either stay and be resentful of him or take the initial pain of moving on and find someone else. As for bringing someone new into your kids' lives...you don't have to. I'm not a mom, but I've always said that NO WAY I am introducing a man to my kids or having him play father figure to them if he hasn't committed to me. So that means, no moving in, no tons of hanging out with my kids etc...esp if their father is in their lives, they can maintain their relationship with their dad as their dad, and my bf is my bf, who I will introduce once it's serious but won't allow him to become too much engrossed into their lives until say we're engaged or we've seriously discussed that. You can do the same if you start dating again.

Edited by MissBee
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Thanks for your insight ladies!

MissBee, last year after I tried to gently end things because I could see we were not on the same page he came back with tears in his eyes saying he loves me so much wants to make a commitment. Since then he said hes been taking his time because he wanted to find the right ring, finances etc.

You are right that he did make it clear and I just didn't want to listen in the past.

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Sorry that you wasted so much time with your boyfriend.

I know it will be hard to leave but the fact is he doesn't want to marry you.

Time to walk away before you end up wasting even more years.

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If you're not getting what you want and need, then finish it with him. Done, dusted. Someone will come along, when you are ready, and you won't have to fight for it. You won't be strung along.

 

He knows you want commitment, he knows you want to get married. You've half put your foot down, he has come back with promises, only to lead into more excuses. So on and so forth. He is biding time and you are allowing it. Do what is best for you.

 

From someone strung along for 5 years. Empty promises. Biding time = resentfulness.. You deserve much much better.

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I would not stay any longer.

 

He isn't going to marry you. After 7 years, he isn't just "experimenting." He's hoping to shut you up so you'll stop asking him.

 

Sorry OP, but I think the writing is on the wall here.

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