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Money got in the way


Overthinkingit

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Overthinkingit

Hi everyone. I'm struggling with an issue my fiancé and I have over money. It might seem like a good problem to have but I'm struggling with really putting my emotions aside and accepting this one at face value. So, we have been engaged for a year and we are getting married in October.

 

A couple of weeks ago, my Fiance's grandfather gave him a check for $20k and told him it was for the two of us. Fiancé calls me to say what an incredible surprise he had for me and I was pretty stunned but my fiancé always tells me how much money his grandfather has and when he received a gift of 10k last year, he would say he thought a lot more was coming. When he got home later that night I wanted to talk about what we should do with it and he became super agitated and wouldn't directly talk about it but we agreed that we should save it and put it towards a house when we are ready (we are currently renting).

 

(Side note I called his grandfather to thank him immensely and he said I didn't have to- just to treat each other good.) So I made an assumption (definitely should not have) that "ours" meant the money would go into our joint savings for exactly that reason and when I talked about maybe researching CDs or what other way we might be able to invest (until we are ready to buy), he again became super agitated. When I got to the bottom of it and discovered he only intended to put it into his personal savings, we had a huge fight

 

because it sparked emotions from both of us and I just want to understand what his are. When we calmed down, I asked him why, if it was for "us" did he put it in his personal account and he states that he means nothing by it, he'll keep it and that even though it is in his account, it is still ours and "if I need it for anything" he would give it to me. That makes me feel like he's my keeper or something. I don't need it and certainly not if he thinks of it as is. If he thought of it as ours, would he have had a problem putting it in our joint account?

 

I had no intention of using that money for anything other than a house with him so if he felt the same way, can someone help me understand his thoughts? We are going to go to counseling because I've had a hard time trusting him in the past and I'm not sure if this is trust, or just a difference in values. Before you think my intentions are different from what I say, I have an awesome career and have never pursued or remained in a relationship for money. We have an awesome relationship (most of the time) so I honestly assumed "us" in a literal fashion.

 

Am I wrong or is he hiding the reason he chose to go about it this way? He's already begun spending a little bit frivolously and he only put this money in the bank a week ago. Please give me some non-biased insights. I told him I would sign a prenup if he thinks I want "his" money but truthfully I will likely be the one with more to lose eventually as I have great benefits and he has none.

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LivingWaterPlease

Personally, I wouldn't expect to have money his grandfather gives the two of you in a joint account until you're married. However, I would be sure to discuss finances for after marriage with him as to whether all your money will go into a joint account, etc., and how you will handle it.

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Um, let me see... whose grandfather was it? Did the check have both of your names on it? Did the grandfather wait until he had the two of you together to give it to you? Beyond your boyfriend saying "it's for us" how do you rationalize having a legal claim to it?

 

This is basically inheritance money. Even if you were married it's important to avoid commingling inheritance money. The reason is that if there should be a divorce those funds rightfully, legally do not count as marital property and are not divided... unless they are commingled.

 

If he put it into an account with your name on it you would then be able to withdraw all of it and disappear if you were so inclined. I think it's safe to assume that grandfather was only giving the money to you as well because you're engaged to his grandson, and if that were to change he wouldn't be happy about you taking half or all of it with you.

 

My ex did basically the same thing, only I did put it into a joint account. When we divorced she tried to claim half of it based on it having passed through account with both names. My saving grace was that it had not been commingled and had been put into retirement accounts in my name only. I had to hire a forensic accountant and bring him to court to testify that the money had not been commingled. What an opportunist. She had the "what's mine is mine, and what's yours is ours" mentality.

 

I think he did exactly the right thing, and that you are way out of bounds by making an issue of it.

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I’m assuming that the check was made out to him or he wouldn’t have been able to cash/deposit it. Until you two are actually married, the money is his and should be in his account.

 

Prenups are good. They force people to be open about money and to clarify expectations and responsibilities, something you'll have to do for the rest of your marriage. After having married someone who refused a prenup out of feigned generosity- he was in terrible debt and had terrible financial habits- I would never get married without a prenup, to protect both of us as well as to make sure we could talk about money.

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Overthinkingit

Thanks all. I definitely understand where you're coming from so I will need to accept it as that but I have to admit that planning to potentially fail feels like tainting the marriage in advance, admidst planning all the lovely wedding details, it brings me down a bit but I get it. I understand that it's typically the woman financially screwing over the man when divorce happens but my mother lost mostly everything she worked her whole life for over my lame and crazy father. I live my life to be capable of doing it on my own if necessary. I'm not naive enough to think that it doesn't happen, but I need to try to remove my feelings from this and accept it for what it is. Protecting assets. Thanks

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Legally that money is his and only his. That will still be true legally after your're married as well. Let him do as he pleases with it. What he does with it is none of your business. That might be why his g-parents gave it him before you were married, so that it would be only his.

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Maybe he sould have been more sesitive about his communication with you, but i think you're on the wrong side here. Money got in the way only because you, mistakenly tried to have a hold on his grandfathers money. maybe you didn't mean to do it but you did.

 

It's not (as you described): "protecting assets". It's about "you, trying to out your hands on his assets". It's wise and good that you made a U turn, and came back to senses. Good luck with the wedding.

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LivingWaterPlease
Thanks all. I definitely understand where you're coming from so I will need to accept it as that but I have to admit that planning to potentially fail feels like tainting the marriage in advance, admidst planning all the lovely wedding details, it brings me down a bit but I get it. I understand that it's typically the woman financially screwing over the man when divorce happens but my mother lost mostly everything she worked her whole life for over my lame and crazy father. I live my life to be capable of doing it on my own if necessary. I'm not naive enough to think that it doesn't happen, but I need to try to remove my feelings from this and accept it for what it is. Protecting assets. Thanks

 

Not sure if you're still checking your thread but if you are just want to respond to your statement "but I have to admit that planning to potentially fail feels like tainting the marriage in advance,"

 

Respecting the fact that his grandfather gave him the money and not interfering as he uses it as he wishes is planning to succeed, not planning to fail.

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I understanding being hurt by this but I would have done the same if a relative gave me the money before we were married.

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The grandfather conveyed it was for them both.

 

This "legal", also includes intent to distribute to the betrothed partners.

 

Op, I see your side. He over rode your empowerment to also decide how to invest. Adults discuss . He chose for you. Thats concerning. His consolation that its "safe" is not the issue. Its that he took away your adult right to share in a decision.

 

Engagement and wedding gifts are shared.

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