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When Should A Guy Propose?


Rachel 20166

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Rachel 20166

I have been dating a guy (35) for 2.5 years now.

 

Living together for about 2 years and he has not proposed. :mad:

 

I have raised the topic with him - he claims he is in no major rush & has too much at stake to get married (business/house etc).:(

 

He has been engaged before & that didnt work out - mainly because I have heard she was absolutely crazy. :laugh::laugh: I am constantly told about his "bad" experience before. All of his friends comment on how I am much nicer as a person.

 

I am 26 and in an ideal world I would like to have a child before I hit the 30. :bunny::bunny: I have never even considered the thought of having children with someone before so its a big thing for me too!

 

Anytime I talk about it he gets defensive & says I am putting him under pressure. Really I just want to know if we are going anywhere in the future as I don't want to wait for another 5 years and still no. He attends multiple "stag" parties per year so I would of thought it was his time too!

 

We have traveled the world together, spend all of our time together & also have 2 cats.

 

Just wandering on what the thoughts are here?

Should I leave now, put a time scale on it, any ideas??

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Guys usually know very quickly if they want to marry the girl they are with and will make sure that she knows it and he will work towards it to make it happen.

 

I got engaged to now husband even before my divorce was final ! Yeah. And married soon after.

 

2.5 years is a long time. Talk to him and if makes another excuse , move on

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Anytime I talk about it he gets defensive & says I am putting him under pressure.

Well, to be fair, you are. Asking him when he's going to propose is really the worst thing you can do. Even if he wants to now, you will think "he only did it because I pressured him to". He is in a lose-lose situation.

 

But the fact is, if you want to have kids then marriage is a good idea. It gives you all sorts of legal protections that unmarried people don't have. If having kids is your priority then you should raise this with him, and tell him that you don't want to have kids unless married. If he also wants kids then he should understand that. If he doesn't want kids... well to me that would be a bigger deal-breaker than lack of a proposal.

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introverted1

When should he propose? When he's ready.

 

You should a conversation in which you ask him what his plans are for a future with you. Depending on the outcome, you may have a decision to make. Forcing him or nagging him is not the way to go.

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FRankly, to be fair, I think marriage is seriously over-rated, sometimes.

 

Instead of wondering when he's going to propose, think of 5 solid, unarguable reasons why you SHOULD get married.

Why is it so important to you?

 

Write them down.

 

You mention having kids.

You do realise that you don't have to be married to get pregnant, and that having children isn't really a primary condition?

I know at least 4 families with children whose parents are not married, and they have worked things out just fine.

The illegitimacy of children is simply not as much of a social risk as it once was.

 

So really, that's not a just reason for marrying.

And think about it. Given his apparent reluctance: Is THIS the man you want children with?

 

Of course, this being a Leap Year, you could propose to HIM.

29th of February is traditionally the day you can pop the question.

 

But first ('having children' excluded), I'd cite your 5 reasons...

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A man should propose when he's ready

 

 

Alas your guy will never be ready. He does not want marriage & kids. He has everything he wants. You in his bed every night, money to travel & no strings.

 

 

So you have to figure out where your priorities lie:

 

 

him?

 

 

marriage?

 

 

kids?

 

 

none of the above?

 

 

a combo of the above?

 

If you want him are you willing to give up marriage & kids for him? If not, end it now. I was in your shoes & sacrificed my child bearing years for a guy who never wanted more then what we had, living together without marriage or kids. I can't blame him. He didn't lock me in the house. I stayed voluntarily but some days I wonder what it would be like to have kids.

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I know a chap whos girlfriend has literally begged him to marry her.

 

He refuses.

 

Its not going to change.

 

I think you seriously need to think long and hard about what you want.

 

If it is marriage and children please don't waste your time anymore. I know its scary and heart breaking.

 

If a man does not want to marry you he will not marry you.

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Rachel 20166

Thanks for all the replies.

 

I would point out he has been engaged before & he has not said NO to marriage. He often says in good time etc etc.

 

I just think that someone at 35 should know what they want by now....

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I have raised the topic with him - he claims he is in no major rush & has too much at stake to get married (business/house etc).:(

 

Did you know he felt this way before you moved in with him? If so, why are you surprised at this point?

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Thanks for all the replies.

 

I would point out he has been engaged before & he has not said NO to marriage. He often says in good time etc etc.

 

I just think that someone at 35 should know what they want by now....

 

You are wasting your time.

 

You're not 'the one' for him.

 

Even the most commitment phobe bend their own rules when they fall in love.

 

He's partying several times a year? Doesn't sound like marriage and fatherhood material.

 

Forget about being married to this man and please don't make babies with him. Having children with someone is a much bigger commitment than marriage. You can't undo it.

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Thanks for all the replies.

 

I would point out he has been engaged before & he has not said NO to marriage. He often says in good time etc etc.

 

I just think that someone at 35 should know what they want by now....

Well that's it, he does what he wants by now....he is happy with the way things are.

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I would point out he has been engaged before & he has not said NO to marriage.

Actually, he has said No. He just softened it slightly for you, like this...

 

He often says "in good time"....he claims he is in no major rush & has too much at stake to get married (business/house etc).

That's a No. It's a NO. He knows exactly what you want and he's not giving it to you. He didn't promise a time. And the fact is, if he truly wanted to marry you, he'd be escorting you to City Hall today.

 

Anytime I talk about it he gets defensive & says I am putting him under pressure. Really I just want to know if we are going anywhere in the future as I don't want to wait for another 5 years and still no.

And...you aren't even able to discuss it with him because he doesn't allow it.

 

I just think that someone at 35 should know what they want by now....

He does know what he wants. He's happy with where you are now, refuses to get married, refuses to even discuss marriage. That's his choice.

 

You choice is whether to open your eyes to the reality of his decision. I recommend you do so, and start making arrangements for the next phase of your life without him. Don't waste any more time. Good luck!

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Thanks for all the replies.

 

I would point out he has been engaged before & he has not said NO to marriage. He often says in good time etc etc.

 

I just think that someone at 35 should know what they want by now....

 

I had a thread a few days ago in which a guy took me on a date and said marriage isnt for me. Consensus was to believe him. He had had bad experiences seeing his family members divorce and it also said on his dating profile he didn't think marriage was always right.

 

In your case however he maybe didnt say it at the start or out right but he has made it clear now.

 

There are some major red flags...

 

He raises his business and home as reasosns not to marry. Did you move into the home he owns? Sounds like he doesn't want you (maybe anyone) to become legally entitled to ownership of half of his property if you later divorce. Which is fine if he feels that way but he's never going to give you marriage.

 

 

the other red flag is, he is blaming his breaking of an engagement on his crazy ex. I always see it is a red flag that they blame an ex for the break up particularly if they call them . crazy.

 

bottom line is all he has given you is all you are going to get.

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ManyDissapoint

It is absolutely possible for a man to want a life long commitment with a woman without desiring marriage.

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introverted1
It is absolutely possible for a man to want a life long commitment with a woman without desiring marriage.

 

Sure.

 

But then he needs to tell her that. "You're the person I want to spend my life with, but I don't believe in marriage."

 

He isn't doing that.

 

He is content living together without any further commitment, articulated or otherwise. Nothing wrong with that in and of itself, but it seems he and the OP are not on the same page.

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Thanks for all the replies.

 

I would point out he has been engaged before & he has not said NO to marriage. He often says in good time etc etc.

 

I just think that someone at 35 should know what they want by now....

 

The guy I am talking about has been married before...

 

He does know what he wants and its not you.

 

Just been on facebook and the same couple I was talking about... she is now wearing a plastic ring from a cracker that they pulled. Oh look its a sign she is crying out...

 

Do you know what? I feel really bad for her. Really bad. Its quite pathetic.

 

His responses? F off, shut up and no.

 

That man is not getting married. 3-4 years ago is was maybe and perhaps. Now his heals are dug in. I can tell you now that girl is never walking down the isle with that man. Simples.

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earlymorningshakes

I. feel. your. pain.

 

I'm about to be 27 and I feel the same as you on children. However, the boyfriend and I have only been together a year. We instantly knew each other was "the one" when we met. I've been married before and have a child from the previous marriage, he has never been married or engaged.

 

I finally brought up about a month ago that I wanted to know when he was thinking we would get married, since I was very clear to him that I do not want to have children after 30 and I want to be married before having kids. His answer was: within 5 years.

 

I was totally shocked and disappointed. We had a long discussion and he seems to think my no children after 30 rule is ridiculous and that I'm going to change my mind. My body, mister! I've been through childbirth and raising a young child and I know when I want to be done with that.

 

For those saying you don't have to be married to have kids - I'm sorry, but if you want to be married before having kids, you need to stick to your guns. I wish i had been married before I had my first child and it didn't happen that way.

 

Anyway, best of luck to you!

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FRankly, to be fair, I think marriage is seriously over-rated, sometimes.

 

Instead of wondering when he's going to propose, think of 5 solid, unarguable reasons why you SHOULD get married.

Why is it so important to you?

 

Write them down.

Yep, must agree with all of this. Why get married? Maybe he doesn't share your opinions on why marriage is important.

 

You do realise that you don't have to be married to get pregnant, and that having children isn't really a primary condition?

I know at least 4 families with children whose parents are not married, and they have worked things out just fine.

The illegitimacy of children is simply not as much of a social risk as it once was.

Absolutely true, all of it! However there are still financial reasons to get married if you're going to have kids. Lets say you own a house jointly, or even worse, live in his house. You give up work or go part-time to look after the kid(s). If you split up then you will only get 50% of the house value (if you own jointly), or nothing if it's in his name only! Whereas if you're married you'll have a much bigger claim to the house equity, even if it's in his sole name.

 

So yeah, that is why I would not recommend kids without marriage. From a financial point of view, marriage is better for the lower earner / primary carer.

 

If you both live in a house which is in your sole name then I would recommend not marrying, for the above reasons. It would give him a bigger claim on your house if you were to divorce.

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Guys usually know very quickly if they want to marry the girl they are with and will make sure that she knows it and he will work towards it to make it happen.

 

I got engaged to now husband even before my divorce was final ! Yeah. And married soon after.

 

2.5 years is a long time. Talk to him and if makes another excuse , move on

 

This is why guys, or at least smart guys, try to stay together unmarried for as long as possible — it's to avoid divorce as they only want to get married once! Anyone that's been divorced is a fool if they think it's unwise to not think about it for several years and it seems you are the type that's fine with having many marriages leaving a trail of men slain. I think any women that's with a guy that wants to wait (but hasn't put off the idea of marriage forever) should understand that the guy is actually in it for the long haul.

 

You should also understand that a man almost always has more at stake than the women especially if he's wealthier and worked hard for what he has, and unlike women there isn't a 'reward' during a divorce. Again, only a fool gets into something like marriage without many years of history with the person.

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Rachel 20166
OP what is your boyfriend saying about having children with you?

 

We have discussed our mutual desire to have children in the past and even names.

 

He is aware I would always want a kid after marriage and he feels the same as far as that's concerned. Baby talk does not scare him, more the thought of getting engaged i think

 

Its not that I want it NOW, just to know we are headed in that direction would be good instead of wasting my time and it never progressing further.

 

I think he thinks I want to be engaged then married within a few months which is not the case, i would just like the commitment first of all then plan a wedding a year or further down the line. :o:o

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This is why guys, or at least smart guys, try to stay together unmarried for as long as possible — it's to avoid divorce as they only want to get married once! Anyone that's been divorced is a fool if they think it's unwise to not think about it for several years and it seems you are the type that's fine with having many marriages leaving a trail of men slain. I think any women that's with a guy that wants to wait (but hasn't put off the idea of marriage forever) should understand that the guy is actually in it for the long haul.

 

You should also understand that a man almost always has more at stake than the women especially if he's wealthier and worked hard for what he has, and unlike women there isn't a 'reward' during a divorce. Again, only a fool gets into something like marriage without many years of history with the person.

 

You are a nobody I've to answer but it would have been better if you had followed my personal story around :laugh:

God Bless You !

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We have discussed our mutual desire to have children in the past and even names.

 

He is aware I would always want a kid after marriage and he feels the same as far as that's concerned. Baby talk does not scare him, more the thought of getting engaged i think

 

Its not that I want it NOW, just to know we are headed in that direction would be good instead of wasting my time and it never progressing further.

 

I think he thinks I want to be engaged then married within a few months which is not the case, i would just like the commitment first of all then plan a wedding a year or further down the line. :o:o

 

I think you should stop asking him about it. It's not helping ...just the opposite, he said he feels like you are badgering him, nagging him......and that is not gonna compel him (or any man) to give you what you want -- marriage.

 

You don't realize it, but your constant "nagging" which is the way he sees it, is pushing him away. So stop doing that.

 

Give yourself a mental timeline. If he does not propose in a year, for example, end it.

 

He does not want what you want .... and probably never will.

 

He won't tell you that cause he does not want to lose what he has now ....which is working for him just fine apparently.

 

Stop allowing yourself to be strung along. Stop nagging him, give yourself your own internal mental deadline, and if he doesn't step up, just walk away.

 

You can't force someone to want what you want.

 

If it were me, and I wanted marriage as badly as you (I don't)..... I would walk now.

 

His "maybe someday" means nothing ....he is only trying to appease you, cause he is not ready to end your relationship yet.

 

But he definitely does not want to get married.

 

If that isn't acceptable to you, then walk.

 

Good luck!

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