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I'm not sure if I should marry him...


Worriedfiance246

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Worriedfiance246

Hi everyone,

A bit lost and scared and could really use some impartial advice right now.

 

I've been engaged for about 4 months and am in the final few month countdown to marriage. I've been with him for four years and we live together, have done everything together since we met, share pets, and are fully integrated in to each other's family lives.

 

He's my closest confident, supports me in everything I want to do professionally, trusts me (and vice versa), is attractive, intelligent, and very importantly a very kind and good-hearted man.

 

But I've been panicking since he proposed. When people ask me in an attempt to help me work through my feelings if I love him I feel a bit numb and blank. I want to say yes and I don't know if it's the enormous stress I'm under professionally that's compounding things but I'm just so worried that in marrying him I'm missing the opportunity to be with the "perfect" partner. A lot of this stems from the importance I put on certain "worthy" careers that help people or make the world a better place (the bleeding heart career tracks as my friends jokingly call it.) I work in the charity sector and as much as I try to talk myself out of it, I find someone who is deeply passionate about having a lasting positive impact on the world very important.

 

My fiance is very smart and could potentially one day do something really exciting in his field. I am struggling so much to figure out if this is a case of the grass is greener, if I'm idealising or putting on a pedestal people who might not deserve it and might not be a good partner.

 

My head is all over the place. I've been in tears a lot recently. I just feel lost and all I want, more than anything in the world is to be sure about him and excited to get married. Any impartial advice or thoughts would be so gratefully received right now.

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A lot of this stems from the importance I put on certain "worthy" careers that help people or make the world a better place (the bleeding heart career tracks as my friends jokingly call it.) I work in the charity sector and as much as I try to talk myself out of it, I find someone who is deeply passionate about having a lasting positive impact on the world very important.

 

Your view of making the world a "better place" seems pretty narrow.

 

I've built from the ground up a solidly profitable company that employs over 500 people, many of whom have advanced to managerial status and above from entry level positions. Families have been started, houses purchased, kids sent to colleges, retirements planned, causes supported.

 

While I have great respect for folks in non-profit, contributions can be made outside the charity sector...

 

Mr. Lucky

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He sounds like a great man for you. I think maybe you have cold feet and you're looking for flaws to call things off.

Maybe one day he "will save the world". A lot of people do these things later in life when they have more free time. I wouldn't write him off because of his career choice, especially if his job is his passion.

 

A lot of people do charitable work/jobs because the personal gains,not everyone is doing it to help others.

 

Love the one you're with.

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Worriedfiance246

Juciygirl and Mr Lucky,

 

Thank you so much for you responses. Yes I do believe I am being quite narrow in my definition of what constitutes "admirable" jobs and I've been trying very hard to get to the bottom of where this preoccupation with it comes from. Mr Lucky you're absolutely right that setting up and running a business that gives people a livelihood is an amazing thing and I don't mean to imply that only the charity sector can be seen to help people. Also Juicygirl, you're completely right in pointing out that being in the sector might be just as much for personal gains as for altruistic motivations.

 

He is a wonderful man and I'm not sure if I'm self sabotaging or whether this is something in my gut I should be listening to? In terms of our personal/home life we get along great, almost never fight, balance each out (I motivate him and he calms me down a bit), and as we talk about it our long-term goals for how we want to live our lives (farmhouse and weekends outdoors) lines up pretty well. I just am so scared of getting bored of him and I somehow have created this assumption that with the "right" person you're supposed to be able to talk incessantly about the big issues and have passionate conversations over dinner. I'm wondering if perhaps that's quite an immature or naive understanding of how real relationships work past the first month of dating though?

 

I guess the underlying question is, if a passion and commitment to a career that has impact past just making a living is an important attribute to me, how much of this is taking a leap of faith and waiting to see what happens (he's trying so hard to make a career change in to something more interesting) and how much of it should be a non-negotiable? I just feel myself balking and I always thought I'd feel more sure about the man I was about to spend my life with.

 

Thank you for taking the time to answer my post, it really helps

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Worriedfiance246

ExpatinItaly I'm really hoping that that isn't the case but I worry I'd fall out of love with anyone eventually. If I'm going to be totally honest, I don't know what the difference between loving and being IN love is supposed to feel like?

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just a couple of thoughts, one personal and one I'd suggest for anyone going into a lifelong commitment:

 

1. understand that there are two kinds of people, those who live to work (or live for the cause of their work) and those who work to live (or engage in a career to support a cause they are passionate for, such as charity).

 

If it weren't for those in the business sector who are passionate about contributing to charities, the funding wound not be there for the people to be able to make this a full time career. We need both and one benefits no one without the other, yin and yang.....

 

2. GO TO PRE-MARIATAL COUNSELING....this process will help you sort out your feelings before you either take a step you're not fully committed to or to not take that step you're not fully committed. It won't hurt and may save both of you serious problems down the road.

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I just am so scared of getting bored of him and I somehow have created this assumption that with the "right" person you're supposed to be able to talk incessantly about the big issues and have passionate conversations over dinner. I'm wondering if perhaps that's quite an immature or naive understanding of how real relationships work past the first month of dating though?

 

It might be helpful to understand your relationship history and point of reference. Had you earlier been in a long-term relationship - 18 months or more - where this level of engagement held true? And is you fiance being found wanting by comparison?

 

Part of it is simply the nature of relationships. On first hearing, tales of your partner's high school/college triumphs might be captivating. Ten years and 50 tellings later, not so much. My kids swear my wife and I only have 8 good stories - between us :eek: !!!

 

If it were me, rather than worrying about problems down the road, I'd count my blessings now...

 

Mr. Lucky

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No reason to get married especially if you aren't sure.

 

You can stay engaged for the rest of your life if you want.

 

No need to rush. There is no advantage to being married vs staying single or engaged.

 

None. And there are a ton of disadvantages. For starters, the number #1 cause for divorce is marriage.

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I think there's very little difference between living with someone for four years and getting married. I'll tell you a little secret - there are very few good men in this world and if you have found one, you're way ahead of the game already. And I'll tell you another secret - in all my experience in life, I have learned that compatibility is far more important than being in love is. Deeper and stronger love usually happens when you have shared experiences in a life that you have both enjoyed, where you have been made to feel safe.

 

Look, both of you aren't going to make a secure life by working for charities. Let him do his thing and you do yours. You both can share your different views and experiences. Those are things that keep relationships interesting. Unless he makes fun of what you do, then there really isn't a problem. You really do want a man who takes his work seriously, who makes taking care of his family a priority. I wouldn't get too judgmental about what he does or doesn't do.

 

The thing that's probably got you so upset is that you're having to make a decision when, the truth is, you basically made that decision four years ago when you moved in with him. Has it been tumultuous living with him? Is he awful in some way? Do the two of you have nothing in common? Is sex lousy? These are things you're going to need to ask yourself. If there are no real problems, then maybe you're somewhat afraid of commitment and that alone may be what's eating at you. But that trait can have you ending up alone because no one is going to get you past that hurdle.

 

Marriage is going to be exactly what you have now. If you think you're going to find someone better than him, then good luck. But just know that if you end things with him, there will most likely be no going back to him. It's up to you to decide if he is someone you want to walk away from.

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Worriedfiance246

Hi everyone,

 

Thanks so much for your feedback, this has been incredibly helpful in getting out my own head!

 

Kgcolonal, you're right there are those who are driven by their work and those who find satisfaction in other aspects of their life like hobbies or friends. He does tend to balance me out and to his credit always says that he will be there to support me as he knows my career is so important to me. I think I might be taking that for granted especially.

 

Mr Lucky, I am in my late 20s and have been in several 1 -2 year relationships with short gaps of under 6 months in between. I've thought very seriously about previous relationships and yes, there was a certain element of "clicking" in purpose and conversation that I didn't necessarily have with my fiance initially or sometimes even now. Having said that, short of intense conversations about geopolitical issues, none of them were particularly kind or decent guys. And to my fiance's credit he is increasingly the one to be bringing up what he read in the news or heard on the radio. He's been asking me whenever I stupidly raise my concerns to show him the love, support and acceptance that he's shown me to build his confidence to pursue the next level of career and I seem to have these sporadic outbursts of built up anxiety that derail any confidence he was building...

 

Schiller, one thing that is complicating matters is that after four years together we need to either get married or I will have to return to Canada (he's British and we live in London). This has never been a relationship of convenience or for visa purposes and I've been very happy with him but I'm feeling like my hand is being forced - either marry this man before perhaps you're ready for marriage or leave your home, pets, life, and partner. It's put a lot of pressure on the situation whereas I would have loved to have gotten acclimatised to the concept of marrriage...

 

Bathrub-row, far from being tumultuous I am living with the kindest, most patient and supportive person I have ever met. We rarely if ever fight and when we do it's resolved within an hour. I have come home from countless long days at work to find that he has made my favourite dinner, bought my favourite flowers and magazine, and he has fussed over me. He has always gone the extra length to support my career and has come to every event related to my sector with me, even if he is bored out of his mind. As I write this I'm a bit ashamed that I'm not appreciating what I have here... Again I think the panic has been set off by the limited timeframe to get married due to my stupid visa situation. I just needed time to settle in to the concept of marriage but I know that if I asked for more time I would lose him and my entire life here in the UK. Not the best emotional state to be entering a marriage with....

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He sounds like a great guy and it seems that the two of you have a very good thing going. But I can certainly understand you feeling the pressure under the circumstances. Almost certainly he's feeling the pressure too. But you need to understand that this is the only chance to preserve what you have together. I think if you'd look at it that way, that your lives together are being threatened and this is how to save it, you may look at things differently. If I were you, I'd make sure I did everything I could to keep the two of you, and your pets, together. Best wishes to you guys!

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We rarely if ever fight and when we do it's resolved within an hour. I have come home from countless long days at work to find that he has made my favourite dinner, bought my favourite flowers and magazine, and he has fussed over me. He has always gone the extra length to support my career and has come to every event related to my sector with me, even if he is bored out of his mind.

 

Hell, if my wife ever leaves me, I might marry him!

 

Sure seems like, based on your list, the pros outweigh the cons. Based on what I've read on this forum, you could do much, much worse...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Have a long engagement & get some pre-marital counseling. Do not set a date (or cancel the one you have) until you have completed the counseling.

 

 

It seems to me that throwing away an otherwise great guy because you disapprove of his career choice is not a great reason to dump someone. I'm not talking about a bum who sits on his butt all day but you want him to be on what your friends call the bleeding heart career track while his passion lies elsewhere. That sounds like you running scared & nitpicking

 

 

However, I don't know you & I'm not a mental health professional. On the chance that it might be your subconscious telling you he's not right for you, premarital counseling is in order.

 

 

Marriage & a life time commitment are scary. I had some cold feet in the days leading up to our wedding. If you aren't thinking things through that is a bad sign too.

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You don't know how lucky you to have a man like this.....fussing over you, cooking for you...supporting you. He's a keeper............... BUT you need to believe that. I can tell you many would love to have a man like this.

 

Marriage is a huge step and if you are unsure....don't do it.....BUT.....you take the chance that by not getting married (don't know if a date has been set) , that he'll think or he might think you don't love him enough. That could make him withdraw ....however, that's the chance you have to take. He might see it as a knock back.

 

Can you envisage growing old with him?

Can you imagine not being with him? If so does that feel good?

 

And remember.......you don't need to be just like your partner. ..... as long as you aren't total opposites... like you working in the not for profit sector and him organising trophy hunting trips of endangered species.

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Worriedfiance246

Hi Everyone,

 

Again thank you so much for taking the time to sit down and respond to my post. I know a lot of people are on here to find the same support and that everyone is being kind enough to indulge my freak out means a lot.

 

Last night, my fiance and I went out for dinner for the first time in a few months. Every weekend has been some family commitment or work commitment - he's had to work some weekends and I've had to do some international travel. I realised then and there that this was someone who I was genuinely enjoying the company of and that I had been reacting a lot to feeling alone with the theory of him but not actually spending time with him in the capacity that I feel we should be - as best friends. The truth is he's sweet, affectionate, interesting to talk to, funny, and incredibly kind. The second he met me he took my heavy laptop off my shoulders and asked me how my day was and what I had done at work.

 

I feel calmer and more sure than I have since we got engaged. Part of this is a revelation for me that we're going to have to work hard at coming back to those moments of just hanging out and enjoying each other's company, even when work or family or kids or money gets in the way. I really hope I can hold on to that focus because it's so easy for me to get caught up in the routine and start to think of him as this one dimensional partner.

 

I keep on asking myself if I would be interested in him if this was our first date? And I'm starting to feel that the answer is yes again. I wonder if this is something other people who are married or in long-term relationships experience? Going through patches of worry and then realising what they've got?

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WaitingForBardot

Seconding, or thirding, the idea of counseling. My wife and I went to Engaged Encounters as a prerequisite for getting married in a Catholic Church, which was very important for my wife and her family. Being secular myself, I was worried that it would amount to nothing more that two days of intense conversion pressure. In reality, it was very pragmatic and clearly directed towards making sure the people getting married would stay that way.

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My experience with marriage is that you will have the same relationship afterward. It doesn't sound like you dislike your relationship or that you view marriage as a way to fix things. It sounds like you two have been on the same page.

 

It might help to google the blog of Evan Marc Katz. He is a relationship/dating blogger. He said something really interesting about his wife. That they got along really well but that he didn't know she was the right choice until AFTER they got married. He married her on the idea she was a good bet. It was just that the relationship was so smooth and calm and they complimented each other well. But she was very different than who he pictured he would wind up with. Based on your posts, it reminds me a lot of the types of things he wrote about his GF/wife.

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My experience with marriage is that you will have the same relationship afterward. It doesn't sound like you dislike your relationship or that you view marriage as a way to fix things. It sounds like you two have been on the same page.

 

It might help to google the blog of Evan Marc Katz. He is a relationship/dating blogger. He said something really interesting about his wife. That they got along really well but that he didn't know she was the right choice until AFTER they got married. He married her on the idea she was a good bet. It was just that the relationship was so smooth and calm and they complimented each other well. But she was very different than who he pictured he would wind up with. Based on your posts, it reminds me a lot of the types of things he wrote about his GF/wife.

 

Some people ARE genuinely sure about marriage. Some couples are head over heels and just "know" they are marrying the right partner. This is a high chemistry and high passion based marriage. Without the sparks flying and the intense chemistry pumping, couples who are otherwise perfectly compatible, lack the feeling of "just knowing "they are marrying the right person.

 

Evan argues that the lesser passionate based relationship thatare built primarily around friendship and compatability, last longer, than the high passion based unions that typically have lower compatability. Evan Marc Katz is an advocate of not dating people that you're head over heels for, crazy about or enamoured with

Evan stated that he was never enamored with his wife he said he was never infatuated. She didn't knock his socks off.

 

The thing the OP lacks with her Fiancé and the main point Evan said was different about his wife versus some of his exes? Chemistry. Evan states that while SOME attractionis necessary, you shouldn't hold out for fireworks or intense chemistry.

 

The issue is, some people NEED the crazy passion stuff or else they will always feel as though something is "missing ". Where as many others simply don't need sparks to be flying, and even favour the slower burn where they don't fall hard or fast for their partners. ..

 

Are you a person who needs the strong honeymoon phase of a relationship lasting 2 to 3 years?

Was your fiancé EVER the guy who made your heart skip a beat?

Was you're fiancé one of the men who made your heart race when you recieved his text?

Or, was your fiancé the guy you felt neutral or lukewarm about initially, in contrast to the men who made you giddy with excitement?

 

Do you want to risk loosing one of the RARE good men in favour of finding "*that FEELING * of amazing chemistry, the feeling of *just knowing *that you're DYING to marry someone?

The sad truth is : only a Tiiiiiiiiiiny portion of people actually end up with rhe partner that made their heart skip a beat because it's veeeeeery rare for the person who give us the bigest rush to be the most compatible match.

 

I personally thrive more with the instant spark and huge rush of chemistry with a 7/10 compatible man versus a 10/10 compatability rating with a man who the sex is good with but never fireworks sexualy or that head over heels, madly in love intensity of emotions.

 

I know who I am and what I need to feel like when it comes to marriage. I also knew that there was a very high chance that I'd end up alone because intense chemistry that gives you that certain feeling when it comes to marriage, rarely occurs with another individual who not only feels it mutually, but who is available and compatible. I knew that most people ended up in lovely relationships just like yourself, with Mr compatible who doesn't light your fire yet is your best friend (and of course, mutual attraction is still present )

 

Most couples in happy long term marriages didn't feel totally sure and elated about marrying their spouse.

 

Most successful couples DIDN'T *just know* marriage was right for them..

 

A tiiiiiiny portion did *just know* about their marriage but these are the rare breeds of people who managed to find and marry their 10/10 chemistry (intense chemistry is the feeling that makes you *just know* about marriage )....So. Risk being single for life and waiting for someone you *just know* about, which will likely never happen in a compatible mate....or, marry your best friend who will always have your back and with whom you can build a happy life with.

 

Ideally, you would be madly and intensely in love with your fiancé and euphoric and thrilled leading up to the wedding but in life you don't usually marry the person that you love the most intensely or passionately.

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Who gives a rip what he may do in his career because he is intelligent? If you are marrying from a Judeo/Christian perspective, this is for better or for worse, forsaking all others as you make this promise before God and man. When the new car smell wears off, it's your commitment to husband and vows. What if you or he becomes a quadriplegic? Are you going to bail on each other because each person is no longer "perfect"? Ok, you have played house for several years. This is way beyond cold feet. You are still several zipcodes away from being a committed spouse to a marriage relationship.

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WF

 

It would be really good to tell him how much you appreciate the things he does for you. Like cooking your dinner and carrying your laptop bag like that. That shows that he is very caring and considerate.....you shouldn't take those qualities for granted.

 

As humans, when we are appreciated and complemented it makes us do even more for the person. You fiancé is not like every man....and I mean that in a good way........He's a rare one.

 

One for the future... I know family life can get busy.. but always try and schedule one day/evening together..like a date night. Even if^when kids come along. Have a reliable sitter from as early as possible...... if you keep doing things together you won't loose that connection.

 

Good luck.

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Reallyconfusedheart

Based on what you said, it sounds like he's a keeper.

 

How about try this...do separate for ... say a month or so and see how you feel. Maybe this way you will figure out how he stands in your heart.

 

You are a very lucky girl. I hope you choose the right decision. A man like that is very rare nowadays. Having cold feet before marriage is very common so don't worry. Think it through longer if it need be.

 

Good luck to you.

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Hi, There are no problems with your fiance but you are creating one in your head. The first couple of years are highly passionate and idealized in a relationship, it's the honey-moon phase. Then you actually get to know each other and see your true selves. This is the PERFECT time to get married! Not in the honey-moon phase :)

 

Your fiance sounds like a really good catch to me. Trust me you are lucky to have him. Nobody is perfect, we all have flaws. Be grateful !

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I think that you may have some maturing to do before you get married.

It sounds like you are basing your relationship on what you see in romantic comedy films.

 

Our generation (I'm a Millennial too-in my early 30's) is notorious for thinking that we are entitled to perfection in our lives. I find it embarrassing. You have an amazing fiance who cherishes you, yet you are rethinking marrying him because your can't have long conversations about geopolitics? I don't think that you realize how difficult it is to find a good man these days. Marriage is not about having the same career or impassioned discussions about certain topics all the time. It is about commitment first and foremost because love and passion waxes and wanes. People think that marriage is only about love but there are also practical considerations.

 

My husband is an introvert and I am an extrovert. He can be boring and too taciturn but you know what? That man will walk through fire for me. My husband is my protector, my lover and my very best friend. When I had surgery, he was the one holding my hand and cleaning up my vomit. When I was struggling to quit a terrible habit, my husband was held me in his arms as I wept from withdrawal. If I left my husband because he wasn't as chatty as I was, I would have missed out on a beautiful marriage. My husband always says that he loves the way we balance each other out.

 

Life is about choices. If you decide to leave a lovely relationship because of one small difference, hopefully you will not feel any regret if years down the road.

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