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Cold feet or hesitant??


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Out of curiosity, what is the difference between the two?

And we always complain about men not committing soon enough.. But if a man wants to rush into marriage..Is that a red flag?

Edited by Bsally
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For me anybody who wants to rush into marriage is waving a red flag. Wanting marriage & a commitment is fine. Wanting it tomorrow with a relative stranger is not.

 

 

Most people are nervous before they marry. If you do the premarital thing seriously there is a great deal of introspection designed to give anyone pause. You need to think long & hard about the commitments you are making & the sacrifices that will require. If you come to the conclusion that you can't do it or the other person isn't right for you, you can still bail.

 

 

The failure to think it through, the focus on the wedding rather than the marriage or ignoring the potential problems causes problems down the road.

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Anyone wanting to rush into marriage has either of a couple of things going on or both. If they're willing to marry someone they don't even know that they think they are in love with as soon as they meet, that means they are in love with the ideal person in their head and are projecting those qualities onto the woman and not willing to see that she's not that ideal fantasy women in their head.

 

And of course, there can be monetary or other reasons for wanting someone legally bound to you.

 

You didn't say how old you are. If you're young, he's just being stupid and inexperienced and isn't in touch with reality but trying to live the dream. If you're older, you may have more savvy in seeing what a person is like (or not) but there's no one who should marry until they've been seeing someone regulary for at least a year or two. Remember that everyone is on their best dating behavior the first year and you're not even seeing their bad sides. You have to give that time to break down.

 

Here's what I advise to get that to break down sooner. Make sure you've been through each of these situations first before you marry to see how the person reacts.

 

You need to see how he reacts when his car breaks down on the road and you are with him. See if he blows a gasket or remains calm and handles it safely.

 

You need to see him at the beach with a lot of girls in bikinis around and see if his head is on straight or if he has a swivel head.

 

You need to see how he reacts to giving up some childish things like video games or dumb stuff he has laying around because if you live together, unless he is flexible, you will have live with his unsightly bachelor stuff.

 

You need to both babysit his nieces and nephews for an overnight stay and see if he helps or watches the game while you have to do everything.

 

You need to spend some time with him around his parents and see if he's a mama's boy or if they have a good healthy adult relationship and know she can keep her nose out of your business.

 

You need to ask him to help take care of you and go to the drugstore and take you to the doctor when you're sick and maybe change the bed for you to see if he's capable of taking over and also empathetic or if he's selfish and won't do "woman's work" under any circumstances.

 

You need to see him sick and see what he turns into.

 

You need to know how much debt he owes and how much money he makes (and vice versa) and if he is living way beyond his means, don't do it.

 

You need to see how he is around both children and animals. If he's irresponsible with pets, neglecting them, not home enough, not taking them to the vet when he should, not keeping them flead and giving them heartworm med, he's also not going to be responsible with kids.

 

You need to go on a longish road trip and spend a few days together under the same roof and see how quickly you get snippy with each other -- or if it's heaven.

 

Definitely go online and run a background check on him. Pay for it. It's only about $20. Find out if he has any DUIs or especially assault and battery, domestic violence, etc. (depending the state, it won't say "domestic violence" but just "battery" or "Assault." Any violence, don't marry him.

 

Tell him under no circumstances will you be willing to commit this soon because you two don't know each other well enough yet.

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But if a man wants to rush into marriage..Is that a red flag?

 

Enough that I'd be looking for a credit report, background check, immigration status and sex offender listing...

 

Mr. Lucky

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OP,

 

"A wedding is for a day, a marriage is for life"....or at least it should be ...:)

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Thank you all for your replies. According to what everyone's saying here, it's a good thing I ended all contact with this person. Now thinking about it, alot of things played a role in his behavior.. Immaturity being a big issue. I didn't go through anything with him.. We never even fought (probably bcs it was still the honeymoon phase of dating). We barely dated for a few weeks! He definitely is a momma's boy.

At first I thought: wow, maybe this is one of those things where it's like love at first sight?

But thank God I listened to my gut and left. Marriage is a big step, and if someone isn't willing to really go into it with full understanding, then they aren't the right person.

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