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This hurt badly -- was I to blame???


thishurtsbadly

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thishurtsbadly

My fiancé is very, very loving toward me. He will do anything for me. But, it appears it's only when he's in control.

 

I am winding down my job and finally moving to be in his city. He has traveled a lot to be near me while I work out of town. He's been so giving in that way.

 

However, I finally got a job interview for a really good job in his city! The only time I could meet with this woman was on a Saturday because I'm STILL working my old job. She did the initial phone interview during the week and then invited me to her family's ranch on a Saturday.

 

She is very, very wealthy...and wanted to have me meet a couple of board members at her ranch. My fiancé was not happy that I was leaving on a Saturday because we have such little time together. He told me that he wanted me to get the job but he was worried that this woman was going to make me her pet and take me away from him -- traveling too much. But there was really very little travel involved.

 

Anyway, he told me to tell the woman that I would go to the ranch, but that I already had dinner plans. So, I did that -- but as the clocked ticked by... I saw he was texting me - mad that I hadn't left yet. I texted quickly that I was trying to get out and was hurrying. I ended up telling the lady I had to go -- I'm so sorry....

 

The interview was bizarre -- it was really a "get to know you" kind of day...and friendly...

 

My fiancé said that it was NOT an interview it was her "playtime" on the ranch with me ...and I should have just walked off when she didn't respect my time limit. He blew up at me that night and he told me I was very disrespectful of him and that I am selfish etc.

 

It was a horrible fight - and it ended with me in tears...saying "I just wanted a job to pay my bills..."

 

The next day he said he would try to do better etc...

 

But, he said ANYONE would have reacted the way he did...and I just don't know if that's true.

 

Is it?

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NO. I think you should take a hard look at this because that kind of behavior shows some serious potential controller issues. Obvs we know little about your situation, but I can't see anything in your post that was actually any of his business, at least in the sense of making determinations about it. And yet he did that, and hung over you like a vulture, and got angry when you didn't 'obey,' and blamed you for a totally benign turn of events that was actually just you looking after your best interests. And what worries me most is that it sounds like his blame worked. That tells me this treatment has been going on a while.

 

Controller brainwashing is a very insidious process that sneaks up on you and manifests in the victim frequently doubting the common sense decisions they make and feeling like they let their partners down, etc.

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My fiancé is very, very loving toward me. He will do anything for me. But, it appears it's only when he's in control.

 

I am winding down my job and finally moving to be in his city. He has traveled a lot to be near me while I work out of town. He's been so giving in that way.

 

However, I finally got a job interview for a really good job in his city! The only time I could meet with this woman was on a Saturday because I'm STILL working my old job. She did the initial phone interview during the week and then invited me to her family's ranch on a Saturday.

 

She is very, very wealthy...and wanted to have me meet a couple of board members at her ranch. My fiancé was not happy that I was leaving on a Saturday because we have such little time together. He told me that he wanted me to get the job but he was worried that this woman was going to make me her pet and take me away from him -- traveling too much. But there was really very little travel involved.

 

Anyway, he told me to tell the woman that I would go to the ranch, but that I already had dinner plans. So, I did that -- but as the clocked ticked by... I saw he was texting me - mad that I hadn't left yet. I texted quickly that I was trying to get out and was hurrying. I ended up telling the lady I had to go -- I'm so sorry....

 

The interview was bizarre -- it was really a "get to know you" kind of day...and friendly...

 

My fiancé said that it was NOT an interview it was her "playtime" on the ranch with me ...and I should have just walked off when she didn't respect my time limit. He blew up at me that night and he told me I was very disrespectful of him and that I am selfish etc.

 

It was a horrible fight - and it ended with me in tears...saying "I just wanted a job to pay my bills..."

 

The next day he said he would try to do better etc...

 

But, he said ANYONE would have reacted the way he did...and I just don't know if that's true.

 

Is it?

 

I don't know if anyone would have reacted that way but he did and that's what's important.

 

Based on what you've said above, it may be that he's just feeling a little insecure because he's worried that the job will keep you away from him. Or he may have some other stressors in his life going on at the moment and causing him to be hyper sensitive. Think about what else is going on around the relationship to consider that possibility.

 

He did kinda back pedal a little bit, so he's realizing it was a bit of an over reaction. Let this drop. Give it a couple of days and see if he returns to normal. If he seems off still or "pouty" for lack of a better word, you might try to open a casual, supportive conversation and say something like "I am sensing that there is something bothering you and I'd like to talk about it and help if I can".

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He is very controlling and jealous of your time. This is a serious red flag, IMO. Be very careful moving forward, and I would suggest you not move in with him if that is the current plan, until you are sure that this is an isolated incident and not a recurring, controlling behavior.

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thishurtsbadly

Well the problem that I worry about in conjunction with this is -- I'm winding down my job and that means I have only a couple grand to my name. I have bills - and with no job, he will be paying them. He is begging me to just quit -- and let him handle it.

 

 

But, he has had a history of getting mad and if I don't come home by a certain time -- threatening that we were done. And that meant one time - him cutting my access to money.

 

 

He has since apologized. But, I had nothing. His response was - well you should have just come home and stopped working -- when you promised you would.

 

 

Anyway, now he wants to handle all the bills. He would be paying -- and he wants me to give him my bills AND all my remaining money and deposit it into his account.

 

 

I am nervous about this -- since I also live with him and I will basically give him ALL control.

 

 

He says I need to trust him -- and realize he wants me worry free and will not hurt me -- and I think his hyper sensitivity is coming from the fact that I haven't handed over my money yet.

 

 

What would you do?

 

 

I don't know if anyone would have reacted that way but he did and that's what's important.

 

Based on what you've said above, it may be that he's just feeling a little insecure because he's worried that the job will keep you away from him. Or he may have some other stressors in his life going on at the moment and causing him to be hyper sensitive. Think about what else is going on around the relationship to consider that possibility.

 

He did kinda back pedal a little bit, so he's realizing it was a bit of an over reaction. Let this drop. Give it a couple of days and see if he returns to normal. If he seems off still or "pouty" for lack of a better word, you might try to open a casual, supportive conversation and say something like "I am sensing that there is something bothering you and I'd like to talk about it and help if I can".

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The way he's treating you now is the way your marriage will be. If he says things will change after your married he's lying, you will be bullied the rest of your marriage.

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La.Primavera

Unless there is more to the story I think it was completely unreasonable for him to react that way. You are trying to get a job and the interview was essential part of that.

 

His behaviour was extremely controlling and out of line. He doesn't own you. I would be very concerned if I was engaged to a man who acted that way. He strikes me as someone will major control issues.

 

He needs to know that you are not his possession. You have the right to make your own decisions and not be bullied when he doesn't get his way.

 

Do yourself a favour and take note of any other times he behaves this way because it will only get worse once you are married.

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He should have been happy you were getting a new and (presumably, better) job. That's what a normal, loving fiance would do.

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La.Primavera
Well the problem that I worry about in conjunction with this is -- I'm winding down my job and that means I have only a couple grand to my name. I have bills - and with no job, he will be paying them. He is begging me to just quit -- and let him handle it.

 

 

But, he has had a history of getting mad and if I don't come home by a certain time -- threatening that we were done. And that meant one time - him cutting my access to money.

 

 

He has since apologized. But, I had nothing. His response was - well you should have just come home and stopped working -- when you promised you would.

 

 

Anyway, now he wants to handle all the bills. He would be paying -- and he wants me to give him my bills AND all my remaining money and deposit it into his account.

 

 

I am nervous about this -- since I also live with him and I will basically give him ALL control.

 

 

He says I need to trust him -- and realize he wants me worry free and will not hurt me -- and I think his hyper sensitivity is coming from the fact that I haven't handed over my money yet.

 

 

What would you do?

 

Ok, this is really bad! Do not let him control the finances. You are right, he will think he has absolute control over you.

 

You already know he has a bad temper.

 

There are so many red flags. Do whatever you have to do to maintain your independence.

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Oh no, control freak alert.

 

You won't have a happy and healthy relationship if you are walking on eggshells all the time.

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thishurtsbadly

When we were arguing -- he brought up the fact that I wasn't joining money -- and that I clearly have control issues.

 

 

He said that I just can't seem to "let go" and I'm not trusting him...

 

 

He then said he doesn't think I'm ready to get married if I am not willing to give him the money and combine accounts etc.

 

 

He said "I'm taking on your bills....and telling you to just JUMP...and you can't even give me your checks? What's wrong with this picture....It's obviously all about you..."

 

 

That is what he says...

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La.Primavera
When we were arguing -- he brought up the fact that I wasn't joining money -- and that I clearly have control issues.

 

 

He said that I just can't seem to "let go" and I'm not trusting him...

 

 

He then said he doesn't think I'm ready to get married if I am not willing to give him the money and combine accounts etc.

 

 

He said "I'm taking on your bills....and telling you to just JUMP...and you can't even give me your checks? What's wrong with this picture....It's obviously all about you..."

 

 

That is what he says...

 

If you value your safety then you need to get out now.

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Yes, get out, now. None of us want to see you coming back here wondering why he beats you up.

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thishurtsbadly

Yes, I have been feeling that I am ..but he says "I" am manipulating!

 

 

In addition to that -- when he gets this angry, I start to cry. And when he sees me start to cry -- he says "why are you ALWAYS the victim? I can't talk to you...I can't tell you how I feel -- you start to cry and clearly manipulate the situation..." He says I am a perpetual victim and then asked me if I was clinically depressed...since I cry when he gets mad.

 

 

I do not cry -- when no one is mad at me...I am not depressed.

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Classic manipulative/abusive behavior. It's called gaslighting.

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Well the problem that I worry about in conjunction with this is -- I'm winding down my job and that means I have only a couple grand to my name. I have bills - and with no job, he will be paying them. He is begging me to just quit -- and let him handle it.

 

 

But, he has had a history of getting mad and if I don't come home by a certain time -- threatening that we were done. And that meant one time - him cutting my access to money.

 

 

He has since apologized. But, I had nothing. His response was - well you should have just come home and stopped working -- when you promised you would.

 

 

Anyway, now he wants to handle all the bills. He would be paying -- and he wants me to give him my bills AND all my remaining money and deposit it into his account.

 

 

I am nervous about this -- since I also live with him and I will basically give him ALL control.

 

 

He says I need to trust him -- and realize he wants me worry free and will not hurt me -- and I think his hyper sensitivity is coming from the fact that I haven't handed over my money yet.

 

 

What would you do?

 

Well, that's a horse of a different color. While on one hand, I do understand his desire to "take care" of you and handle the "hard" stuff perhaps, I do think that it is not wise even in a marriage for one person to be "handling" the finances autonomously.

 

I would have a conversation with him to say basically just that. You are going to be married and, of course, your finances will be co-mingled. If you are comfortable with that, and you do trust him, you could say "I am willing to work together on finances now, but I want to be involved in any and all decisions going forward. I want this to be a 50/50 partnership all the way around. I know you want me not to worry about this stuff, but I will worry more if I don't know what's going on. I need to be involved regularly, in case, and god forbid anything happens to you".

 

You should tell him too that you want to have joint checking and savings accounts and that you also want to keep at least one credit card in your name only.

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I_Give_Up67

It sounds like he may become the obsessive controlling type towards you. If you are an independent woman, he will likely have a problem with that also. No IMHO, this is not a normal way to have reacted. I would not have reacted like he did.

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La.Primavera

Look at the studies and warning signs of abusive behaviour. You will see that blaming the victim is very common.

 

Don't take my word for it. Read it for yourself.

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thishurtsbadly

Yes he also gets upset when I don't show him everything. Now that we live together, he had gone through my old purses etc. Asked about paperwork.

 

Then last week I got a letter from the IRS. He had helped me with my taxes. And he demanded I ipen it in front of him. I told him it was from last years taxes and payment plan. I wouldn't open it in front of him and I put it in my purse and left for an errand. He called me. Asking me what I'm hiding.

 

I just feel very smothered.

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You are smothered.

 

Happy people in good relationships do not frantically text their SOs & demand that the SO leave a job interview. The fact that you can't see that this is a problem makes me wonder about you. This job interview that went on & on at the woman's home on a Saturday also seems off to me & makes me wonder about your ability to make good decisions about your own safety.

 

Do not marry this man. He wants to isolate you then do God knows what. Do not let him put a locator on your phone. Have your phone checked so he hasn't already done this.

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My fiancé is very, very loving toward me. He will do anything for me. But, it appears it's only when he's in control.

 

I am winding down my job and finally moving to be in his city. He has traveled a lot to be near me while I work out of town. He's been so giving in that way.

 

However, I finally got a job interview for a really good job in his city! The only time I could meet with this woman was on a Saturday because I'm STILL working my old job. She did the initial phone interview during the week and then invited me to her family's ranch on a Saturday.

 

She is very, very wealthy...and wanted to have me meet a couple of board members at her ranch. My fiancé was not happy that I was leaving on a Saturday because we have such little time together. He told me that he wanted me to get the job but he was worried that this woman was going to make me her pet and take me away from him -- traveling too much. But there was really very little travel involved.

 

Anyway, he told me to tell the woman that I would go to the ranch, but that I already had dinner plans. So, I did that -- but as the clocked ticked by... I saw he was texting me - mad that I hadn't left yet. I texted quickly that I was trying to get out and was hurrying. I ended up telling the lady I had to go -- I'm so sorry....

 

The interview was bizarre -- it was really a "get to know you" kind of day...and friendly...

 

My fiancé said that it was NOT an interview it was her "playtime" on the ranch with me ...and I should have just walked off when she didn't respect my time limit. He blew up at me that night and he told me I was very disrespectful of him and that I am selfish etc.

 

It was a horrible fight - and it ended with me in tears...saying "I just wanted a job to pay my bills..."

 

The next day he said he would try to do better etc...

 

But, he said ANYONE would have reacted the way he did...and I just don't know if that's true.

 

Is it?

 

He was disrespectful of you and your time. It is your career, your interview, and your mind to figure out if you want the job or not.

 

He doesn't respect your judgement or abilities to determine what job is good for you.

 

And his blowing up at you for what you did is bullying and controlling and far more disrespectful than anything you may have done.

 

This is very controlling behavior.

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thishurtsbadly

He also told me that the amount of stress I've put him through this year... Is off the charts. He said "when I get the cancer diagnoses, I will look back and KNOW it was 2015 and all the stress you have put me through".

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The first question would be why you had your phone on during an interview, but that is beside the point.

 

The whole thing with the money? Ohmygod, please PLEASE reconsider your relationship. This is *not* healthy on any level.

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