Lovely fiance, sex issues

[patientlover]

Hi Everyone,

 

I am new to the forum and having a personal moment in relation to my upcoming wedding in May.

 

I have a wonderful partner in so many ways, he works hard, is reliable and together we have gone from strength to strength in our relationship. We started off with nothing and lived in a shack - today a few years later we have our own home, a small business, a dog and are planning a family. Busy but all driven motivation together which I love, as we are on the same level.

 

Aside from everything wonderful we do have a couple of issues that are now concerning me prior to our wedding. (Just so everyone knows I am not a wedding person and though I am mildly excited this is not a big thing for me. It is intended to be simple and quick, minimal stress and is more my future husbands thing than mine as we are 10 years apart and he wants to settle).

 

The sex, our sex is terrible. We are the fumble couple, there is no feeling of emotion and no crazy wanting of desire. I feel he cant for whatever reason connect when we have sex. I have attempted to have conversations about this and he has admitted that he has never had any experience better than what we do regularly and it makes me cringe. I dont think I could live my life with mundane sex and no feeling. It make me think he is just using me like some societal expectation. I am quite goodlooking and good wife material but really i feel he cant love me.

 

I guess what I am asking is how can I help with our sex life, we get along well but I cant work out what this is. I know he had a hard childhood so I suspect its psychological but I am not sure what to do as I am now put of attempting to initiate if he cant get it up or isnt so interested. Its like I dont exist and I have never met a man who cant perform in bed.

 

I have been patient and I want to love him but maybe its better to let it go and walk away.

 

Help! Guys if your on here what can I do? Woman who have partners with sex issues in their man what have you done or what have they done?

 

Maybe he just doesnt see it as important or its just a thing? I want to make this work

[Els]

I think the first thing you need to do is to postpone the wedding indefinitely until you get everything sorted. Honestly, from your post it also sounds to me like he's rushing you into it ("he" wants to settle down due to his age). Is this the case?

 

Re: the sex issues, is the main issue the fact that he can't get it up? If it is, then he needs to want to see a doctor - there are ways to fix this. Or is it something much more complex and deeper than that?

[d0nnivain]

The sex is unlikely to get better after the wedding if it doesn't improve before. Fix it before you marry.

 

How much talking do you do about these issues? You have to start there.

[patientlover]

We have spoken about it a number of times, but to be honest I think it makes it worse because he feels unworthy or maybe its a performance anxiety thing?

 

As for the wedding - yes i guess he is pushing in a way though a part of me somehow felt it was the right thing, now I have doubts.

 

To clarify all other aspects of our relationship are good. We communicate well (though not on sex topic), we have our own interests, shared interests and great compromise between us. I am disheartened as I feel if the sex worked our relationship would be great, well as best I would ideally think one could be. As I know relationships arnt perfect.

 

I feel guilty because I expect him to be different about his initiations of sex. Its not that the sex itself is bad (its somewhat satisfying) but there is just no connection its like he shuts off.

 

He has gone to the doctor and the doctor said its pretty common and gave him viagra - worked somewhat but never fully hard if anyone gets what I mean.

 

I just wonder if there is a better way I can go about this I dont want to make him feel like a bad lover and I dont want to drive him away. I am scared if I pester he will give up all together and all I want to do is make him happy.

 

I will postpone the wedding but what do I do for my partner? I have tried being gentle, lots of bjs (just as hard to get going), foreplay and just plain spontanious attempts and all come out the same.

 

Here I am wondering if he is secretly gay or something - I have asked if he wants me to dress up or if he has a fantasy I can play out(even if a bit crude or abnormal). I have tried foods and lingerie. He doesnt do porn and doesnt seem to masterbate either so not many clue there.

 

He just seems to have shut the sex part of his mind off and I have no idea how to go about it. I understand if no one has any ideas but I am stumped.

[Smthn_Like_Olivia]

I don't think you should walk away. I think you should seek out a counselor. One who can help you get through this issue with him.

[patientlover]

How do I go about seeing someone without making him feel like its a 'be all or end all issue' if I was in his position I would feel horrible. Its hard because I dont want to come across selfish and maybe in some ways I am not doing enough.

 

Thanks for the advice guys, I guess I will have to see if he will see someone to sort it out.

 

pretty hard situation and I dont want to hurt him. I might not be able to fix it if there is more to it than just a functional issue.

[Hope Shimmers]

How do I go about seeing someone without making him feel like its a 'be all or end all issue' if I was in his position I would feel horrible. Its hard because I dont want to come across selfish and maybe in some ways I am not doing enough.

 

Thanks for the advice guys, I guess I will have to see if he will see someone to sort it out.

 

pretty hard situation and I dont want to hurt him. I might not be able to fix it if there is more to it than just a functional issue.

 

It might be difficult and he may feel horrible but you have to solve this now, or know that you can't and then either accept things as they are or don't marry. These things do not get better after marriage and they almost always get worse. Would it be better if you put 10 or 20 years into a marriage with this man, with things as they are, and just gave in so that your needs were never met? Would it be better for him after 10 or 20 years if you decided then that you couldn't do it anymore? Nothing is ideal, but now is better.

[patientlover]

I know I hope we can come to a level together because I love this man and no relationship is perfect.

 

I dont want to wonder if there is something better when every relationship has something different to work on.

 

Thanks guys

[writergal]

I don't think you should walk away. I think you should seek out a counselor. One who can help you get through this issue with him.

 

+1. I agree with you Olivia. The OP and her fiance may want to consider pre-marital counseling with a sex therapist before they go through with the wedding. Better to address the reasons why the OP and her fiance can't emotionally connect to each other. Once you get the emotional connection right, then the sex can be mind-blowing, amazing and unforgettable. Sex without that emotional connection becomes perfunctory, even obligatory. But never enjoyable. And it's not fair to either person to ignore the elephant in the room, because then both people sell themselves short of being with someone they truly love and can emotionally connect to.

[Smthn_Like_Olivia]

How do I go about seeing someone without making him feel like its a 'be all or end all issue' if I was in his position I would feel horrible. Its hard because I dont want to come across selfish and maybe in some ways I am not doing enough.

 

Thanks for the advice guys, I guess I will have to see if he will see someone to sort it out.

 

pretty hard situation and I dont want to hurt him. I might not be able to fix it if there is more to it than just a functional issue.

 

Which do you think will hurt him more? Walking away cause the sex is bad or showing him that you want to do whatever it takes to make the marriage work BEFORE you take that leap?

[Josmatjes]

Same thing happened to me and I married him and the sex not only did not get better but it was pretty much once every 3 months or so and now it's once in the past 3 years!

Sweetie, it only gets worse if you aren't in synce!

[anika99]

I was in one long term relationship with a guy who loved sex and was always ready to go. He had great technique, great staying power, great stamina and was always rock hard. I was with him for 7 years and by the end of the relationship I had begun to dread having sex with him. The reason being that he could not connect with me on a intimate emotional level. I came to hate the cold emotionless mechanical sex with him.

 

 

My next long term relationship was with a guy who was great at passion, great at emotional intimacy and great at making sex a loving experience and great at foreplay. When it came down to actual intercourse he had problems though, his technique was awkward, often losing his erection or ejaculating prematurely. In the beginning he was terribly embarrassed by this problem and he would never seek outside help so we made the best of it. If he lost his erection we would just cuddle and have more foreplay until it came back. If he came too soon he would still make sure I had an orgasm.

 

 

If I had to have sex with either of these guys again I would definitely pick the second one so I would say the number one thing you probably want to work on with your fiancé is the emotional connection in the bedroom. Try to spend extra time kissing and stroking each other before the sex. Keep the lights on and try looking each other in the eyes during intercourse. Can your husband make eye contact with you during sex? The cold emotionless sex guy I spoke of loved looking at my face during sex but the second I would make eye contact with him he would look away. He just couldn't do it.

 

 

If your husband isn't willing to see a therapist do you think he would at least be willing to try some stuff in the bedroom with you that might build the intimacy and connection?

[Gloria25]

I watched 48 Hours late last nite...

 

This chick married a guy who was having issues with his sexuality, but they plowed through - whole nine yards and the lavish wedding.

 

On their honeymoon - no sex.

 

Like six months into the marriage, she's dead. Not sure if she committed suicide cuz she internalized her inability to make him desire her or if a guy he was messing with killed her.

 

Food for thought.

 

Don't get married until you resolve what's going on with him.

 

BTW, on 48hrs, seems like her husband influenced his boyfriend/lover to kill her, but not enough evidence to put anyone in jail. Father of the girl believes the girl got so depressed she killed herself.

Edited February 22, 2015 by Gloria25

[CrystalShine2011]

Yeah, I would seek out counseling to see what can be done. Sex is such a huge part of a relationship...not worth giving up on though! It might just take some time.

[central]

Sex will probably get worse after you're married. It's extremely rare that it gets better - where's the motivation? You've "got" your mate now, so you can slack off if sex isn't a big deal for you to begin with.

 

 

So, by all means postpone the marriage. Find a sex therapist and insist you both go. You have to be clear and forthcoming about the issue, even at the risk of hurting his feelings (at some level he has to know that the sex sucks), or you have no chance of solving it. If you can't solve it, though (and there's a very good chance you won't), what are your options? Marry and be miserable, not marry and (for a time) be unhappy for the loss, negotiate an open marriage from the start, or eventually be tempted to cheat to get some decent sex.

[ComingInHot]

Look him in the eye and tell him (using small words) exactly what makes you 'burn'. Give him explicit examples of how yiu see toe curling sex. Then think up new and different scenarios. Push Yourself a little.

The split second his eyebrows raise a micron to some word or description or scenario, remember what you said and begin to expound on that...

 

Maybe begin a little story and have him write a couple sentences. Reward him by playing out whatever he writes?

 

That doesn't work? Step back and seriously consider a sex therapist or at the very least acknowledging (which you have) the this 'sex problem with fiance' will soon become a sex problem with your Husband but for life.

Yikes!

Best of luck getting it sorted though - be creative

CiH*

[lillie_loves]

I've been in almost the exact same situation.

 

As others have said, you need to sort this out before the wedding, as trust me, the sex issue will not magically resolve once you have a ring on your finger.

 

So... there could be a variety of reasons. In my situation, I had been with this guy for 3 years and I ended up leaving him because I could no longer endure a sexless (or passionless) relationship. Luckily we didn't get married, although we came close to it.

 

In our case, the sex had been pretty bad from day 1, but I naively thought we could improve things. We had a great relationship in terms of companionship. However, his lack of desire for me and mechanical approach to sex began to chip away at my self esteem. Not to mention, I became sexually frustrated and demoralised.

 

I guess I got used to the lack of passion and for a while I thought I just had to put up with it. I thought it was normal that my boyfriend only wanted sex once every couple of months. I tried everything, silky nighties, massage oil, nothing seemed to spark his desire. The rare times that we did have sex, it was bad. I don't think I ever even had an orgasm naturally - so I started introducing sex toys and vibrators as this at least gave me some form of pleasure. But sex was always mechanical and awkward. There was never a feeling of unbridled passion. The strange thing was that he never kissed me during sex. In fact, now I think about it, he barely kissed me (properly, with tongues!) during the whole 3 years we were togethor. Now I realise this was a red flag because it meant he was incapable of intimacy.

 

Now, you say that your fiance doesn't masterbate or look at porn. That is what he tells you - but do you know for certain. In my case, every night, when my boyfriend assumed I was sleeping, he got his iPad out and started looking at porn and masterbating. Obviously this upset me as it proved he could 'get it up' but preferred to look at porn. He always deleted all his internet history so I never knew what sites he looked at. That was another red flag.

 

Anyway, eventually I left him and about a month after we broke up, I was picking up my last belongings from the house we owned, and he had left his laptop on (he had nipped out to the shops). I couldn't resist having a sneaky peek at the sites he was on. Well, what I found out was a huge shock, but it also made perfect sense. It turns out he was bisexual, and signed up to a variety of swinging sites.

 

So I concluded that his lack of emotional and physical intimacy was due to a much bigger problem, and I was so very glad to have ended the relationship. 3 years on, he has moved a new woman in to his (our) house, and seems to be transforming her in to a man (she has already cut all her hair off). I also know for a fact he is still swinging and meeting up with gay/bi men and couples for sex without his current girlfriend knowing. Meanwhile I am in a new relationship with a man with whom we have an amazing, beautiful and passionate sex life. We are currently having a few issues (I wouldn't be on here otherwise!) but I can't tell you how refreshing it is to be with someone who you can have a great emotional intimacy and super hot sex.

 

So all I am saying is, sometimes the bad sex is just a symptom of a much bigger problem which you can't always mend. Sometimes, you are better off out.

 

Hope you find happiness (and good sex) whatever you end up doing.

[Tayla]

Ten years of this isn't going to resolve itself with an "I Do".

 

May I suggest you have the adult talk and lay things out to be seriously discussed. Be point blank and hear him out.

 

As others pointed out, it doesn't get better til the two people get better. Consider this a wake up call to plan out some romance and intimacy moments. Small steps seem to work. A candlelight dinner, or an evening walk holding hands....Those moments build themselves and regain trust for each. It took ten years to get to this point, give yourselves time to re-group and work on a more stable and nurturing relations.....

[Mr. Lucky]

Here I am wondering if he is secretly gay or something - I have asked if he wants me to dress up or if he has a fantasy I can play out(even if a bit crude or abnormal). I have tried foods and lingerie. He doesnt do porn and doesnt seem to masterbate either so not many clue there.

 

He just seems to have shut the sex part of his mind off and I have no idea how to go about it. I understand if no one has any ideas but I am stumped.

 

There's a old line that says sex is 5% of a marriage when the intimacy is good and 95% when it's not.

 

Do you really want to be in a relationship that's 95% "not" ?

 

Mr. Lucky

[BlackHat]

It seems to me that you didn't have many men before him, so here is a novel idea for you:

 

1. Take time off from the relationship. A "temporary break-up" of sorts.

 

2. Go meet another man only for sex. Make sure he is good in bed. A good idea is to ask a friend is she has an old boyfriend who was really good in bed and go get him.

 

3. If you feel you can live without good sex you can marry that guy. Otherwise, stop wasting your time in something that is not going to work.

[preraph]

Well, first he needs to see a doctor to rule out anything physical. But yes, it may be due to psychological issues. So if he had molestation or anything of the sort, he needs to get in long-term therapy.

 

You can't rule out that he might be gay and not able to face being gay. I've met lots of guys like that over the years. If they have any issues with sex in general like parental shaming or molestation, they can't even really deal with sex in general and if they're gay on top of that, it's a really big hurdle and they will stay in denial and try to keep a woman on their arm to convince themselves they're straight.

 

You can't marry him while you are simply not functional sexually. This isn't a case of he doesn't want to do it often enough. It's he seems disconnected and can't do it at all sometimes, so don't get married until you figure that out -- and honestly, he may not ever get straightened out and if he does, it might take years of him admitting he has issues and working them out through therapy.

[Larsoncity]

Wow I really can identify with this. First DONT GET MARRIED! Call off the engagement until its fully addressed and taken care of even if it means breaking up. Don't take it lightly. I thought sex wasn't supposed to be that important in a relationship. When I was in that position I thought maybe I was being too superficial and I should focus on other aspects of the relationship. Now I would say good sex and intimacy (at least an amount enough to make you feel satisfied) is possibly the most important thing for a long term successful relationship. Incompatibility in the bedroom will have a ripple effect throughout the relationship and will slowly eat away at it.

[Bolacool]

I was in one long term relationship with a guy who loved sex and was always ready to go. He had great technique, great staying power, great stamina and was always rock hard. I was with him for 7 years and by the end of the relationship I had begun to dread having sex with him. The reason being that he could not connect with me on a intimate emotional level. I came to hate the cold emotionless mechanical sex with him.

 

 

My next long term relationship was with a guy who was great at passion, great at emotional intimacy and great at making sex a loving experience and great at foreplay. When it came down to actual intercourse he had problems though, his technique was awkward, often losing his erection or ejaculating prematurely. In the beginning he was terribly embarrassed by this problem and he would never seek outside help so we made the best of it. If he lost his erection we would just cuddle and have more foreplay until it came back. If he came too soon he would still make sure I had an orgasm.

 

 

If I had to have sex with either of these guys again I would definitely pick the second one so I would say the number one thing you probably want to work on with your fiancé is the emotional connection in the bedroom. Try to spend extra time kissing and stroking each other before the sex. Keep the lights on and try looking each other in the eyes during intercourse. Can your husband make eye contact with you during sex? The cold emotionless sex guy I spoke of loved looking at my face during sex but the second I would make eye contact with him he would look away. He just couldn't do it.

 

 

If your husband isn't willing to see a therapist do you think he would at least be willing to try some stuff in the bedroom with you that might build the intimacy and connection?

 

I agree with this opinion and with others above, I just want to add that the two of you should just relax, take time and watch phonographic films together. Let the emotional part of you take over. Never rush thing particularly sex. Continue to show understanding and with time I know there will be improvement in his ability and emotions. What he needs most here is love , understanding and patience.

[tinalooks808]

The sex is unlikely to get better after the wedding if it doesn't improve before. Fix it before you marry.

 

How much talking do you do about these issues? You have to start there.

 

I agree this isn't an area that usually sees improvement unless actively worked on, and even then sometimes there is none. Postpone the wedding and see if you can work this out. It is obviously very important to you.

[Noideanow]

Hi Everyone,

 

I am new to the forum and having a personal moment in relation to my upcoming wedding in May.

 

I have a wonderful partner in so many ways, he works hard, is reliable and together we have gone from strength to strength in our relationship. We started off with nothing and lived in a shack - today a few years later we have our own home, a small business, a dog and are planning a family. Busy but all driven motivation together which I love, as we are on the same level.

 

Aside from everything wonderful we do have a couple of issues that are now concerning me prior to our wedding. (Just so everyone knows I am not a wedding person and though I am mildly excited this is not a big thing for me. It is intended to be simple and quick, minimal stress and is more my future husbands thing than mine as we are 10 years apart and he wants to settle).

 

The sex, our sex is terrible. We are the fumble couple, there is no feeling of emotion and no crazy wanting of desire. I feel he cant for whatever reason connect when we have sex. I have attempted to have conversations about this and he has admitted that he has never had any experience better than what we do regularly and it makes me cringe. I dont think I could live my life with mundane sex and no feeling. It make me think he is just using me like some societal expectation. I am quite goodlooking and good wife material but really i feel he cant love me.

 

I guess what I am asking is how can I help with our sex life, we get along well but I cant work out what this is. I know he had a hard childhood so I suspect its psychological but I am not sure what to do as I am now put of attempting to initiate if he cant get it up or isnt so interested. Its like I dont exist and I have never met a man who cant perform in bed.

 

I have been patient and I want to love him but maybe its better to let it go and walk away.

 

Help! Guys if your on here what can I do? Woman who have partners with sex issues in their man what have you done or what have they done?

 

Maybe he just doesnt see it as important or its just a thing? I want to make this work

 

i think you are spot on here, and i think he probably is gay, since i see so many man/woman-couples everyday, where there is not a doubt in my mind one of them is gay (or both), so sad to watch:confused: my personal experience is also that so many of these men have hit on me, or what its called, and im glad i have a trained gaydar since i very well could have been in your situation. and I tell you in case you havent tried, there is nothing like having your love and passion reciprocated:love: its worth all the pain and frustration you have to face if you walk away, but maybe it isnt going to be so painful, i have a feeling it very soon will turn to a relief for both of you.