dancehead Posted January 11, 2015 Share Posted January 11, 2015 (edited) This is why I proposed to on off GF/FWB of 10 years + : I felt that now I was ready for children and that really nobody in my life had ever matched up to her. I felt that it was time to draw a line under all the non committal mess of the past and get together properly. To have a good ending to the years of on-off time wasting. Yes I turned let her go last time, this time I am not going to let her get away, we will get engaged and make a proper effort to be together - proper commitment. Yes we may argue at times and have trouble but within the marriage we will work through it. SO I proposed with ring and all. I expected her to chuck the current BF she was not happy with and say yes. We had been seeing each other for sex really just an affair for 6 months in secret. (I am single) She said no! Her reasons: she had 1 month ago met a brand new guy that I didn't know about. Although I did wonder why I had not had much contact with her lately. So she has not only said no to my proposal but ended our affair for this new guy. She has also dumped the BF. If you want to pass judgement on her actions please do but don't let it influence your answer to this question: If she had said yes would it have worked or was it marriage already doomed to fail? Is the idea of marrying to fix a non committal relationship realistic? My head is not well right now thinking of her with this new guy, the woman I wanted to marry. Edited January 11, 2015 by dancehead Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted January 11, 2015 Share Posted January 11, 2015 (edited) If she had said yes would it have worked or was it marriage already doomed to fail? Is the idea of marrying to fix a non committal relationship realistic? No it wouldn't have worked, and no it wasn't realistic. From where you were to married, was just too big of a leap. Edited January 11, 2015 by Satu Link to post Share on other sites
MrWhite Posted January 12, 2015 Share Posted January 12, 2015 Two other guys involved to compete with...? Nope. She is still looking AND she might have continued to shop around even after you married. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author dancehead Posted January 12, 2015 Author Share Posted January 12, 2015 I ought to add that 2 years ago she proposed to me and I was not ready. She wanted children like yesterday and I felt like a sperm donor not a boyfriend. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 12, 2015 Share Posted January 12, 2015 It wasn't meant to be. You two weren't committed enough to each other, especially on her end. I'm sorry your plan didn't work but now perhaps you can move to a more fulfilling relationship. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 12, 2015 Share Posted January 12, 2015 This is why I proposed to on off GF/FWB of 10 years + : I felt that now I was ready for children and that really nobody in my life had ever matched up to her.... SO I proposed with ring and all. I expected her to chuck the current BF she was not happy with and say yes. We had been seeing each other for sex really just an affair for 6 months in secret. (I am single) You proposed to a girl who you knew was cheating on her bf with you... Is that really the kind of woman, you could see a long term future with? Most people propose to a person they are in a committed monogamous relationship with, A relationship that is stable and secure, and one that would make a great environment for raising children in. You weren't even the bf here, you were the OM. And to cap it all she was seeing a third man too... I think you dodged a bullet. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author dancehead Posted January 12, 2015 Author Share Posted January 12, 2015 (edited) Yes Elaine, there is that way of looking at it. I was the OM but a few years ago she proposed to me and we were briefly properly together. Anyhow, she claims this is the first time she has ever cheated, but I can remember when she cheated on the same guy before with me when they were together for the first time! Also she cheated on her guy before that too with me. She is in another world. I had hoped marriage would have changed this behaviour. Maybe it would but I agree with you there was a big risk that it wouldn't have done. Possibly a lucky escape. Edited January 12, 2015 by dancehead Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted January 13, 2015 Share Posted January 13, 2015 I had hoped marriage would have changed this behaviour. No one ever changes after marriage. They are still the same person. Its the worst sticky plaster ever and causes more pain than if you didn't bother in the first place... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted January 13, 2015 Share Posted January 13, 2015 You're lucky she said no. She could've married you, taken half your stuff then left you for the other guy (s). Dodged bullet. Move on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Arabella Posted January 13, 2015 Share Posted January 13, 2015 Good for her for not losing her self-respect and going back to the OP. She was with him for 10 years, proposed to him, got rejected, and eventually moved on. And then the OP couldn't stand seeing her happy with someone else and pulled all stops to get her back. I don't get the impression that this guy ever meant to marry her. He just did it to get her back and probably would've reverted back as soon as he did. Personally, I think SHE dodged a bullet. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dancehead Posted January 13, 2015 Author Share Posted January 13, 2015 (edited) Good for her for not losing her self-respect and going back to the OP. She was with him for 10 years, proposed to him, got rejected, and eventually moved on. And then the OP couldn't stand seeing her happy with someone else and pulled all stops to get her back. I don't get the impression that this guy ever meant to marry her. He just did it to get her back and probably would've reverted back as soon as he did. Personally, I think SHE dodged a bullet. Completely wrong. I think you need to re-read my posts. 1. She was not with me for 10 years. We were FWB for 10 years +. That was her idea. On and off with her having other relationships in between that failed but she always came back to me. All I wanted to do was date like normal couples and have a normal relationship, hopefully leading to marriage if it was still going well. 2. A few years ago when her bodyclock had almost ran out, she then decided she wanted a relationship, but before I could even get used to the fact I was now properly with her, all she wanted was a child. She proposed, it did not feel right, too rushed and I was suspicious of her motives. That's why I rejected her proposal. A bit later on we split and she returned to an ex. 3. She was not happy with somebody else at all so bad in fact that she started cheating on him (this old ex).. When I proposed I expected her to dump the guy straight away because things between us were great and the best they had been for years. What I didn't know is that she had met a brand new guy and already got rid of the ex before I proposed. This happened in the space of a month and this is why I was rejected. She had moved on from him and me, I had no idea. Now what is your opinion? Edited January 13, 2015 by dancehead Link to post Share on other sites
Author dancehead Posted January 13, 2015 Author Share Posted January 13, 2015 You're lucky she said no. She could've married you, taken half your stuff then left you for the other guy (s). Dodged bullet. Move on. I am trying to. She points out that when I rejected her she did not stop speaking to me despite some bad things I said. She won't accept I need to cut ties to move on and thinks I should remain friends with her. I can't do that Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 13, 2015 Share Posted January 13, 2015 I am trying to. She points out that when I rejected her she did not stop speaking to me despite some bad things I said. She won't accept I need to cut ties to move on and thinks I should remain friends with her. I can't do that She efffectively dumped you, so it is easy for her to remain friends, as she is not as emotionally involved as you are. She is not as hurt over the break up, because she is in control. Being friends means she still sees you, and it assuages some of her guilt too, "See, I am not really a bad person, we are now just friends". She may even want to continue the FWB situation. You are not in control of anything, so cannot cope. Keep NC, contact just opens and reopens wounds and never gives you a chance to heal. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 She won't accept I need to cut ties to move on and thinks I should remain friends with her. It doesn't matter what she can or can't accept, or what she thinks. Cut ties. Ignore anything she says. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted January 22, 2015 Share Posted January 22, 2015 I expected her to chuck the current BF she was not happy with and say yes. We had been seeing each other for sex really just an affair for 6 months in secret. (I am single) Just out of interest what on earth made you want to marry a woman who had 2 men on the go at the same time? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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