Boyfriend wants a future with me, but I'm still waiting for a proposal- What now?

[vivibta]

Hi,

 

I've been with my boyfriend for two years and five months. He's 30 now, I just turned 27. He has a great job and has been working in his job and in his company for a total of seven years. I've been working for three years and make my own money, I don't ever have to rely on his money. He has his own apartment for which he already paid all debts, it's his since this year. This is just to make clear that our financial situation is very good, no debts, no lack of money.

 

We've been living together for more than a year as well. I know his family and friends, he knows mine. He was the one who brought up having kids in the future. We even talked about kids names already and where we would send the to school. He also asked me a few months ago if I wanna buy a house with him and I said yes. We already went looking for houses and found one we both like, but we haven't bought it yet.

 

Well- My 'problem' is that he hasn't proposed yet. For the record, unlike many others I don't mind buying a house if I'm not married, neither do I think that a man 'won't buy the cow' because of living with him before marriage.

The only thing I wouldn't do is have kids with a man I'm not married to. I don't know, in this point I'm old fashioned.

I have already told him that. Actually we only talked once about marriage in our whole relationship- I brought it up like two months ago. He said he already feels committed to me, wants to spend the rest of his life with me and for him marriage is just a piece of paper and doesn't change anything. He said though that if marriage is important to me he understands and that we can get married if I want to.

 

Yes, I was a bit shocked. Of course that's not the answer you hope for. BUT I do accept his opinion about marriage and I still want to marry him. I can't change his opinion about it and I do appreciate that at least he says he wouldn't mind to get married to me if it's important to me. For me it's not about the wedding party by the way, I'd also be happy just going to the court and going for a nice honeymoon trip, just the two of us.

 

BUT I don't know what to do now. I mean, I don't know if he's expecting me just to say 'Hey let's go to the court and get married' one day. Since I'm the one who clearly told him that I wanna get married, I expect him to make the move. He doesn't have to buy me an expensive ring, but I want him to propose. And that hasn't happened yet.

 

I'm wondering if I'm expecting too much after 'just' 2.5 years of relationship. Is that too soon to expect a proposal? On the other hand, we're not kids anymore, he's 30, he has been working for many years, we're both financially independent and often talk about future topics like having kids and buying a house- He was even the one who makes the house thing more and more concrete by calling house owners and he's the one who wants us to sign the contract soon. But no proposal, neither has he brought up getting married again. My birthday was last week and I was hoping for a proposal which didn't come. I start doubting he will do it anytime soon- Or ever?

 

What would you do in my shoes? I don't wanna put too much pressure on him by bringing it up again and again- But I also don't think I wanna wait for a proposal til I'm 35. And again, am I expecting too much after 2.5 years of relationship?

 

 

Thank you

 

 

 

PS: This is written by my friend S. in case anything is confusing.

[MissBee]

I think a proposal from a man who wants marriage is gonna be very different from a man who is only choosing to marry you because you want it. That's the reality.

 

Men who WANT to get married are excited about it and plan it and think about how they're going to do it. It doesn't seem like your boyfriend will do this since he's already said it's a piece of paper to him. The thing is, you have to decide if his views on marriage are something you are okay with because they are VERY different mentalities. The mentality of a man who doesn't see marriage as a piece of paper and one who does will be different. The former man is more likely to make proposing a bigger deal whereas the guy doing it "because you want it" won't. That just the reality of anything really. Most people doing anything not of their own genuine desire but to appease someone else won't do it with as much gusto as if it were their own idea.

 

You asked what I'd do? Personally, I want to be married. Before seriously dating a man I tend to find out his thoughts on marriage. I don't wait until years in. It's something that comes up pretty early and I need for us to have similar ideas. I would only want to be with a man who values marriage. I would be uncomfortable being with a man who didn't believe in but was begrudgingly agreeing because I want it. It just leaves a bad feeling there for me personally and that wouldn't go well.

 

If you are fine with him only doing it because you want it and not because these are his personal desires, then you're gonna have to realize that YOU will be the one most likely spearheading this as if he doesn't really want it, he will most likely not sit around thinking about it. So you will probably need to not sit around waiting for a proposal and realize it is gonna probably be a more practical matter of specifically planning to get married. Look...I know you want the proposal but men who propose and do it romantically and surprise you tend to be men who WANT to get married. A man who does not want marriage is probably not gonna be looking around at rings or planning it. So it probably will need to be you spelling out wanting a proposal and the time frame or something concrete versus waiting and waiting and expecting him to propose. My bigger question to you is do you truly feel comfortable with this? That is, marrying a man only marrying you because you want it but the truth is that he only thinks of it as a piece of paper. In my opinion personally, that cannot be good. If you're marrying someone but you guys have fundamentally DIFFERENT ideas about marriage and one person values it while the other thinks it doesn't matter...that seems like a bigger issue. For me two of the biggest things I feel my future spouse and I need to agree on are: kids and what marriage means to us. I imagine if we have fundamentally different beliefs about either of those things it will make for lots of problems.

Edited December 23, 2014 by MissBee

[Popsicle]

Actually we only talked once about marriage in our whole relationship- I brought it up like two months ago. He said he already feels committed to me, wants to spend the rest of his life with me and for him marriage is just a piece of paper and doesn't change anything.

 

When a man trots out these lines, he will never marry you. Consider it a lesson learned. If you ever hear those words come out of a mans mouth, just know that he's not the one.

[Popsicle]

 

Men who WANT to get married are excited about it and plan it and think about how they're going to do it.

 

Yes, well said. I've had a few proposals (including my xhusband). There was never a question, or doubt or long waiting period. I don't say this to infer that I'm awesome or something, I'm not. Just that some men are the marrying type and others are not. You have to learn to differentiate the two types quickly.

[Diezel]

I'm telling you right now: He's not going to propose on his own.

 

And I'm telling you because I am that guy (Hypothetically speaking). I've actually said something similar to someone in the past (in my late 20's). It wasn't until she started to seriously consider leaving me that I thought that maybe marriage was an option.

 

You two are on different wavelengths about marriage.

 

What does it mean to you, in all honesty? Because for him, you two are already married.

[vivibta]

Well, let's put it like this- Of course I was hoping he would share my idea about marriage and would WANT to marry me. Unfortunately that's not the case. He didn't say he does not want to marry me, he said if I want to get married we can get married. Also not what I was hoping for. BUT I don't wanna end it with him because of that. Everything else in our relationship is perfect and we have the same idea about kids and many other future things.

 

So if he proposed to me even though I know he's not convinced of the idea of marriage, I wouldn't mind THAT much, IF he does it to make me happy, which makes him happy too. But of course, if he does it although he really doesn't want to and feels pressured, I wouldn't be happy at all. I probably wouldn't be too happy if he never proposes to me (even if it's just to make me happy and show me his commitment, even if he thinks he's already committed to me) and I have to tell him 'Okay let's go to the court and get married'. At that point, I'm not sure if I would want to continue the relationship.

 

The weird thing is also, that all the people I know who never want (or need) to get married, have parents that are divorced or have friends who also aren't convinced of marriage. My boyfriend's parents are happily married for more than 30 years now and almost all of his friends have been married for a few years already, many even with kids. I don't know where this is coming from. He also argumented saying that marriage is an invention by the church and he's not religious, but me myself I'm also not religious at all and for me marriage doesn't have to do with religion (I know it has its roots there, but for me it's not necessarily connected).

[d0nnivain]

The marriage is a piece of paper argument is a crock. I let my EX sing that BS song to me for a decade. I gave him my childbearing years & still haven't completely come to grips with that stupid decision.

 

You know where he stands. He will never marry you. If you want him & are willing to live with him for the rest of your life & possibly give up children, that option is on the table. If you want marriage & kids, he's not your guy.

 

The choice remains yours.

[amaysngrace]

Don't buy a house with him until there are plans to be wed.

 

You sound too wishy-washy about it. You have every right to have your needs met. So far you're going along with everything that he wants. But the best relationships are enjoyed by couples who know how to compromise to see that their partner is happy.

[Lokin4AReason]

tell him this means a lot to you and you can not make the next move until than ....

 

 

he wants a house but you want a commitment ... its not just a piece of paper, its a contract of love. and that's not just a ring, its a ring of trust and loyalty ....

 

 

some people see it and some people don't ..... but its up to you to decide at what you want from this relationship ... if he is not w/ you, well than, he is against you .......... IMO

[MissBee]

Well, let's put it like this- Of course I was hoping he would share my idea about marriage and would WANT to marry me. Unfortunately that's not the case. He didn't say he does not want to marry me, he said if I want to get married we can get married. Also not what I was hoping for. BUT I don't wanna end it with him because of that. Everything else in our relationship is perfect and we have the same idea about kids and many other future things.

 

So if he proposed to me even though I know he's not convinced of the idea of marriage, I wouldn't mind THAT much, IF he does it to make me happy, which makes him happy too. But of course, if he does it although he really doesn't want to and feels pressured, I wouldn't be happy at all. I probably wouldn't be too happy if he never proposes to me (even if it's just to make me happy and show me his commitment, even if he thinks he's already committed to me) and I have to tell him 'Okay let's go to the court and get married'. At that point, I'm not sure if I would want to continue the relationship.

 

The weird thing is also, that all the people I know who never want (or need) to get married, have parents that are divorced or have friends who also aren't convinced of marriage. My boyfriend's parents are happily married for more than 30 years now and almost all of his friends have been married for a few years already, many even with kids. I don't know where this is coming from. He also argumented saying that marriage is an invention by the church and he's not religious, but me myself I'm also not religious at all and for me marriage doesn't have to do with religion (I know it has its roots there, but for me it's not necessarily connected).

 

This is obviously something you all need to talk about together.

 

It doesn't make sense to wait around endlessly for a proposal.

 

You guys have fundamental differences about this and I think you need to sit down and explain to him what you're telling us. That is, explain you get he doesn't want to but would like him to do it to show his commitment to you and you'd like a proposal OR just deciding to go to he court house and have a party later. It's obvious you want the regular, present you with a ring box, will you marry me thing and like I said...from a guy who is making all this argument about not wanting marriage, that's probably not gonna happen.

 

To be honest, I'm only suggesting this because you still want to pursue this and the proposal route. But for me, in all honesty if a man doesn't believe in marriage no way I'm gonna really try to coerce him into giving me a proposal just cause I want it. If a man isn't THRILLED to marry me, I have no business marrying him period. If a man doesn't believe in marriage it is his right, but I want that, so we're probably not a good fit.

 

But if you really want that...then like I said, you shouldn't expect it to come from him of his own accord. It's probably gonna need to be something you spearhead and request and just maybe you'll have to say "let's get married" and go from there rather than wishing for him to pop up with a ring, get on one knee, ask you and so on. And like I said...it's up to you to be honest with yourself about how important it is and if you'll be happy if you have to end up reluctantly going to the court house together. It seems you're already resentful and I can only imagine going into a marriage where you had to coerce him or he did it out of pressure building resentment in him too and then both of you start off your reluctant married lives resentful...

Edited December 23, 2014 by MissBee

[oldshirt]

There is a reason that the tradition is for a man to ask a woman's daddy for his approval to marry his daughter and then for him to shell out several months worth of income on a ring and then to get down on one knee and make a proper proposal -

 

..... That is to show that he is serious about commitment, marriage and family with her and that it is of his own idea and decision.

 

 

A woman can talk a man into about anything using sex and cuddles, but she can't make him want to have a lifetime commitment, home and family with him.

 

Those of us over 30 have seen this exact scenario play out countless times. This is a guy that wants a roommate to help share expenses and housekeeping chores and wants a warm, moist place to drain his dck at the end of the day.

 

He is soliciting a roommate that has sex with him and not a wife, mother of his children and life-partner.

 

This is where things stand here. You are seeing buying the house as a stepping stone towards marriage, family and life-plan together. He is seeing it as the end-game with a roommate that pays rent and sucks his dck. You are seeing it as another step towards a long journey. He is seeing it as the end.

 

You are a "place-holder" where he is marking time until "the one" comes along that he does want to marry and have a home and family with.

 

For a few hundred dollars to a real estate attorney and paying you your half of the equity of the house (which is surprising little for the first several years of home ownership) , he can have your name taken off of the mortgage and send you on your way.

 

We have all seen countless examples of men who thought marriage was "just a piece of paper" ditch their 'roommates' and go out and buy a ring and get down on one knee and propose to a different women within months.

 

I SPEAK FROM FIRSTHAND EXPERIENCE BECAUSE I AM ONE OF THOSE MEN. I KNOW WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT.. Men will crawl through broken glass and slide down razors into a pool of alcohol to marry the woman they WANT to marry.

 

All the others get excuses ranging from, "I'm not ready" to "now is not a good time" to "...it's just a piece of paper."

[vivibta]

T

 

You are a "place-holder" where he is marking time until "the one" comes along that he does want to marry and have a home and family with.

 

 

 

 

Sorry to be so harsh, but this is bull****. I can say I also speak from experience. My brother is 37 and he has been with his girlfriend for 13 years and they have two beautiful kids. She's the woman of his life, but he's a bit like my boyfriend and thinks marriage is an invention from the church which is pretty old-fashioned for nowadays world. I don't doubt at all that he loves her with all his heart and that he will never propose to another woman in case they ever break up.

 

It's a very one-sided view to say that every man who says he's against marriage just didn't find the one yet. There are people out there who don't NEED marriage to be committed to a person.

 

 

Anyway, I'm 100% convinced he loves me and I'm the one for him. He even said he would marry me if that's so important to me (which also proves to me that he would do something for love although he doesn't need it). BUT that doesn't change my original point of wondering if he will ever propose to me in the way that I would want it.

[vivibta]

There is a reason that the tradition is for a man to ask a woman's daddy for his approval to marry his daughter and then for him to shell out several months worth of income on a ring and then to get down on one knee and make a proper proposal -

 

..... That is to show that he is serious about commitment, marriage and family with her and that it is of his own idea and decision.

 

 

 

 

And by the way, I also don't agree with this. I don't even WANT an expensive ring. If my SO was going to buy one I would tell him he shouldn't. I think it's a waste to pay that much money for a piece of jewellery. I would prefer him saving that money to spend it on our future life.

[Priv]

The guy wants to buy a house with you. He wants children with you. Both arguably far bigger commitments than marriage. Because it is what it is. A piece of paper. Even while he doesn't believe in it he is ALSO willing to marry you to make you happy. You are a lucky woman...

 

 

And that is coming from someone who does believe in marriage... Thinking more about it, he probably deserves someone more committed to him than the other way around. This thread wows me...

[Diezel]

Alright, let's call a spade a spade here. If you are so "happy" right now, what is this thread about? You seem to have everything except the marriage.

 

You have tried to rationalize 10 different ways in which a proposal makes sense to you even though HE IS TELLING YOU that he is not going to propose unless YOU WANT TO.

 

Translation: He doesn't want to get married.

 

What about that do you NOT understand? He's not going to get married until he is FORCED to. The marriage is a piece of paper ordeal is NOT a crock, by the way. The fact that the marriage is a legally-binding contract scares more men that most would want to admit.

 

I know, because I've been there. If he has everything he needs and wants now, why would he want to include a marriage into this? Why would he want to risk the chance at losing any more than he possibly could at this juncture? He's secure in how he is living his life right now, which is exactly why he is BLATANTLY telling you that he doesn't want to propose and get married unless you want to (AKA: FORCE HIM TO).

 

It's right there, right in front of your face. I'm telling you as someone who thinks almost akin to how he is. If I had everything set in place, why would I want to upset the dynamic?

 

You SAY You don't want an expensive ring or a lavish wedding or the all out honeymoon. Then what do you want? A firm commitment? What is more firm than what you have right now? Do you really need the legally binding contract then?

 

Think about what you really want before you keep tossing smoke and mirrors at us. He is NEVER going to propose to you the way you want him to. He is NEVER going to upset the status quo.

 

You got your answer, if you don't want to believe it, that's on you now.

[Pinkdisney]

Well, let's put it like this- Of course I was hoping he would share my idea about marriage and would WANT to marry me. Unfortunately that's not the case. He didn't say he does not want to marry me, he said if I want to get married we can get married. Also not what I was hoping for. BUT I don't wanna end it with him because of that.

 

 

I've been lurking for weeks on these threads but had to register and post because I am in a similar situation as you. BF and I have been dating since early 2012 and I am getting antsy. My situation is a bit more complicated as BF and I are both divorced, I have school aged children, he has no children and we are early 40's. We do not currently live together.

 

On our 2nd date I pretty much told him i'd not want to get involved with someone seriously who didn't want to be married and become a family down the line. We waited 8 months to introduce my kids and now we are closing in on 3 years dating and a few months ago he said, almost verbatim, the same thing your BF said to you - that he is committed to me, doesn't want to lose me and would marry me if it's what I wanted - not exactly the least bit romantic thing to say and I reminded him of those words he said to me when we first dated. Again, my situation is going to involve a pretty major move to make it official, so there is hesitation there I guess.

 

I would NOT buy a home with this man without a ring on your finger. If he wants house and kids with you, I would set a walk date in your head and stick with it. I have a walk date in my head too - I would never browbeat a man into proposing but I won't stick around forever for him to decide either as I get to have a say in my own future as well. Vivibta, we have been dating our men for close to the same amount of time and on or around my 3 yr anniversary I will be crushed but ready to leave if he can't make it official. After 3 years, you know more than enough about the other person to decide whether you want a future with them or not and I won't be happy being "just a girlfriend" for years on end.

 

I wish you the best.

Edited December 24, 2014 by Pinkdisney

[CC12]

I've been with my boyfriend for two years and five months.

 

On and off, though, right? Was he the same boyfriend you posted about a few months ago? I don't mean to call you out or anything, but if it's the same guy, I think your wanting a marriage proposal is a bit premature, and so is buying a house with this man. I would also agree with others who said he doesn't want that kind of commitment to you at this time.

 

Anyway, I'll give the advice I was going to give you before I went snooping your post history. After the conversation you had about marriage, I would think that he assumes the ball is in your court now. He told you he would marry you and he probably thinks that anything that happens now marriage-wise will be spurred on by you. You should tell him that you would like a proposal at some point in the near future.

 

You should let him know that you don't need any sort of grand gesture or big flashy proposal (because that would be asking too much for a guy who doesn't care about getting married) but that you need for him to make that step to show that he actually wants to do it, even if it's just for your sake. Then, like the previous poster said, have a general walk date in mind (don't tell him about this) and end it if he doesn't propose by then. You might has well wait to buy a house with him until marriage, too, since you might need to move on with your life if he doesn't propose/really want to get married.

[vivibta]

Alright, let's call a spade a spade here. If you are so "happy" right now, what is this thread about? You seem to have everything except the marriage.

 

Yes, I'm happy now, but that doesn't mean I'll be happy to be the eternal girlfriend and still call him 'My boyfriend' even when we're 65.

 

 

If he has everything he needs and wants now, why would he want to include a marriage into this? Why would he want to risk the chance at losing any more than he possibly could at this juncture?

 

I'm not gonna have his children unless we're married. That's the only point where marriage is a must to for me.

 

 

 

You SAY You don't want an expensive ring or a lavish wedding or the all out honeymoon. Then what do you want? A firm commitment? What is more firm than what you have right now? Do you really need the legally binding contract then?

 

Only because I'm not materialistic I don't need to get married? That doesn't make sense. Yes, I want the commitment. I want him to choose me to be the only woman he gets married too. Both of us had several relationships before, getting married makes our relationship special and different from the ones before and it's the ultimate commitment to me. Plus, I got some rational points here too. Let's say I have an accident and I'm brain dead. If he's my husband he can decide if they turn off the machines. If he's just my boyfriend, he can't do anything. To me, that's important. I also don't like how his company treats non-wives. For example, in a few months we'll be moving to a different city because his company needs him there (for me no problem because I work self-employed). If I was his wife they would pay me a month of hotel too. But I'm his girlfriend, so I'll have to pay the hotel, while only he gets it for free. These are obviously just small points, but you asked for an explanation, here you got it.

[vivibta]

On and off, though, right? Was he the same boyfriend you posted about a few months ago? I don't mean to call you out or anything, but if it's the same guy, I think your wanting a marriage proposal is a bit premature, and so is buying a house with this man. I would also agree with others who said he doesn't want that kind of commitment to you at this time.

 

 

 

 

No, not on and off. If you read my initial post you will see that I'm not the same person as the one who posted the first thread. I'm her friend S., as it says in the OP. Well, obviously you don't have to believe me

Thanks for your answer though, it was really helpful.

[vivibta]

I've been lurking for weeks on these threads but had to register and post because I am in a similar situation as you. BF and I have been dating since early 2012 and I am getting antsy. My situation is a bit more complicated as BF and I are both divorced, I have school aged children, he has no children and we are early 40's. We do not currently live together.

 

On our 2nd date I pretty much told him i'd not want to get involved with someone seriously who didn't want to be married and become a family down the line. We waited 8 months to introduce my kids and now we are closing in on 3 years dating and a few months ago he said, almost verbatim, the same thing your BF said to you - that he is committed to me, doesn't want to lose me and would marry me if it's what I wanted - not exactly the least bit romantic thing to say and I reminded him of those words he said to me when we first dated. Again, my situation is going to involve a pretty major move to make it official, so there is hesitation there I guess.

 

I would NOT buy a home with this man without a ring on your finger. If he wants house and kids with you, I would set a walk date in your head and stick with it. I have a walk date in my head too - I would never browbeat a man into proposing but I won't stick around forever for him to decide either as I get to have a say in my own future as well. Vivibta, we have been dating our men for close to the same amount of time and on or around my 3 yr anniversary I will be crushed but ready to leave if he can't make it official. After 3 years, you know more than enough about the other person to decide whether you want a future with them or not and I won't be happy being "just a girlfriend" for years on end.

 

I wish you the best.

 

 

 

I agree. I know I have to bring it up again, but I also won't give him an ultimatum, pressure doesn't lead to anything good. I'll bring it up again and tell him that I do want a proposal in the near future (let's say in the next 12-14 months, I'll have to think about it more to set an exact timeframe) but I won't tell him a timeframe of course. But if he hasn't proposed 3.5 years into our relationship I guess it's time to walk.

[d0nnivain]

Anyway, I'm 100% convinced he loves me and I'm the one for him. He even said he would marry me if that's so important to me (which also proves to me that he would do something for love although he doesn't need it). BUT that doesn't change my original point of wondering if he will ever propose to me in the way that I would want it.

 

 

If you are convinced he loves you & he has said that he will marry you because that is something you want but not something that he needs or even really believes in, you have won the war. Stop complaining.

 

 

No he will not give you the bended knee ring that you want unless you orchestrate it. I suspect that isn't want you want either. You want the Fairy Tale. But understand that is not real. Marriage & the day to day grind, that is real.

 

 

Pick your battles, honey.

[Cynicalme]

my original point of wondering if he will ever propose to me in the way that I would want it.

 

So this whole thread isn't about getting married, but getting proposed to in the way you want?

 

Girl.... you are SOOOOO looking at the wrong thing. Grow up or just move on.

[dragon_fly_7]

Don't mean to be the bearer of bad news but what type of woman would actually be happy about getting an unnatural proposal that's not coming from the man's equally excited feelings of marriage but rather of only the woman's idea and wants (an ''Oh well if you want it then ok fine I'll propose'') because she has to remind him???

 

 

I would not be happy about that at all. The OP should find a man that's equally excited about marriage himself too.

Edited December 26, 2014 by dragon_fly_7

[MissBee]

Don't mean to be the bearer of bad news but what type of woman would actually be happy about getting an unnatural proposal that's not coming from the man's equally excited feelings of marriage but rather of only the woman's idea and wants (an ''Oh well if you want it then ok fine I'll propose'') because she has to remind him???

 

 

I would not be happy about that at all. The OP should find a man that's equally excited about marriage himself too.

 

Those are my thoughts as well.

 

OP however does not seem like she is as concerned about that. It seems she has said it's fine he doesn't want to marry her so long as he does it because she wants and gives her the proposal she wants...

 

But as I and others have said...is this REALLY what you want? And if you want your dream proposal, it's not gonna be a dream...sorry. Only a man excited about marriage who believes in it will give you that so you just have to accept that you're most likely gonna be the one spearheading this and stop expecting he'll pop up one day on one knee.

[GildedLily]

I had to write when I saw some of the negative responses. My husband and I were together A year and 8 months when we discussed marriage he said the EXACT sentence to me " if Marriage is ...." Guess what? He not only proposed 3 months later, with the most beautiful ring but planned our wedding (total fairytale) sent me to Vera Wang to pick out the perfect dress, we went to Paris on our honeymoon. We have a great marriage, tells me I'm the woman he's always dreamnt of. Tells me he didn't know marriage could be like this and he's glad we did it! And for all the doubters, I have photos lol, and btw there was no prenup ( for any other doubters lol) I believe your boyfriend will propose.