corredor182 Posted December 17, 2014 Share Posted December 17, 2014 Hello there, I recently got engaged to my long term girlfriend whom I have met just after graduating from University. I am having second thoughts and wonder if they are normal considering mine (our) situation. A little bit more about it. I am 30 studied engineering and have worked in a few places. Currently I decided to take some time away from employment to consider relocation and undertake further education and volunteering. My girlfriend (fiancee), 29, is now a consultant in one of the leading hospitals of the country. Career wise she will personally have a great future ahead. I have read a similar post and wanted to post my concerns that are causing me stress about the commitment in the same manner: 1 - Family relationships. We come from different backgrounds, countries and families. We now live in her country - where we met. We have always found the cultural differences hard to overcome and worked on that very much. 2 - Her brothers and sisters are very protective of her being the elderly and smartest in their family (her parents got divorced when she was a teenager). I feel when being with them like I cannot be the same guy like when we are alone or with other people - got told off for small things and undermined with subtle jokes every time I do not agree with her in something. Thing is we only spend time with her family once in a while and it has not been much of a deal right now. 3 - She is very likeable and have lots of friends. Which is great and the completely opposite to me - only a few friends and living abroad. Also my entire family lives abroad. 4 - I notice that sometimes people appreciate all the efforts we are making towards working out misunderstandings. I sense from her that sometimes she is not happy with certain things which we have not voiced. I am accommodating and feel that I have put up with a lot and think she has done also. We don't have a date for the wedding yet, but the sole situation of being engaged is creating a deal of anxiety and wonder if I have done the right thing of going ahead with all this. I love her and care about her a lot, but these are the reasons of my doubts. Do you have any similar experiences? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted December 17, 2014 Share Posted December 17, 2014 It may be cold feet. It may be more. Do not move forward with concrete plans & non-refundable deposits until you talk about these things When DH & I married I found the pre-marital counseling our religion requires helpful. I also found the disclosure in connection with our pre-nup helpful. Both forced us to address thorny issues & I think as a result made us a stronger couple. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Survivor12 Posted December 18, 2014 Share Posted December 18, 2014 Part of the purpose of being engaged is to discover and decide IF you have the foundation for marriage. Frankly, it sounds as though there are several issues that need to be resolved before you even think about setting a date for a wedding. I can tell you this...marriage does not make problems go away. In fact, they become amplified after the wedding & the honeymoon is over. Look, you are young. You are still trying to decide what you want to do in your professional life. There is no reason to be rushing into marriage until you have established yourself well enough to know that your paths are even going in the same direction. Give yourselves time to figure it all out and decide if you are willing and able to commit to a life together. On the other hand, no relationship is perfect. They require a lot of work & compromise. What's important is how well you are able to work together to resolve problems that may arise. Take your time to figure it out. You won't regret it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
orangetree Posted December 18, 2014 Share Posted December 18, 2014 I think you should not have become engaged to her, at least not yet. With all the doubts you have, you should reconsider if you really want to be with her or not. May I ask what countries you guys are from? I also have a relationship with a man from a different country (even continent) who has a different culture and language than me, but we've been together for the past 2.5 years. We had all those problems too- Language barrier, cultural differences (in his culture the family is much more important than in mine for example, so very often I was annoyed by him wanting to see his parents all the time) and communication in general. We fought a lot in the beginning. Over the years, those problems have decreased and now we're at a point where we barely fight. I speak his language now really well and we have learned how to communicate with each other, learn the other's culture and make compromises. It was probably harder than in 'normal' relationships, but I always knew it's worth it. Do you think it's worth it? Are you ready for being forever with a woman who's from a different background than you are? Are you prepared to have fights about those differences? Are you ready to go through difficult paths? And can you imagine to live in her country forever? In the end it really always comes to this point- Is it worth it? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author corredor182 Posted December 21, 2014 Author Share Posted December 21, 2014 We had a chat this weekend about some of the pre-marital stressors that I posted. We agreed to have 6 months being promised to each other and start looking at setting plans - date, place, for a wedding next summer (around June 2015). Does this seem short in your experience/opinion? Survivor I found your initial statement revealing. My thoughts want to be in that direction. The cultural differences are alright between me and her (in between us alone). Problems start when she is around with my family or I am around with her family. When I am around with her friends. They don't embrace these differences and for moments there is stress and it doesn't seem to work. So we find difficult to involve people in our relationship. I sometimes tell her: "I wish I could create a kingdom for you and me" Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted December 21, 2014 Share Posted December 21, 2014 It's too short. Even if you take all of your issues out of the equation, it's 6 months. Most wedding gowns take 8-9 months to make. Many venues book 1 - 1.5 years ahead. You also need time to save. It's a LOT to get done in a short period of time. June 2016 would be better. Link to post Share on other sites
Author corredor182 Posted December 21, 2014 Author Share Posted December 21, 2014 Sorry I meant to say to have a wedding a year from June 2015. Start looking at preparations in June 2015. Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted December 21, 2014 Share Posted December 21, 2014 Sorry I meant to say to have a wedding a year from June 2015. Start looking at preparations in June 2015. That timescale is better. None of the issues you mention are insurmountable, but you need to be working closely with your partner on resolving them. Treat it as a project. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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