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If a marriage proposal is declined and the man then goes NC, is that fair or harsh?


Fiorella87

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My friend declined her then bf's marriage proposal way back in 2009. They had been together for a slightly more than 3 years at the time but their relationship didn't ever recover afterwards. Her reason was that she was nervous about it and even though she loved him, didn't really feel the same way.

 

They only lasted for a couple months but when they broke up, he immediately went NC and till this day they haven't been on speaking terms. Even though the guy already has a gf, when my friend tried sending him a friend request recently and thought after a long while he was over it, he declined it. Isn't this too harsh? If it's already been years, should he welcome her as a friend? They were best friends before dating.

 

At the time, my friend was trying to make him feel better and thought they can at least be friends but he refused and didn't take it well. She was shocked to lose him not only as a bf (she didn't said no to the relationship) but also as a friend. Basically to that guy it's like she doesn't exist. I think that's harsh. My friend never cheated on him and was a good gf. Only thing she did was decline his proposal but to treat her like she doesn't exist anymore? Isn't this too much?

Edited by Fiorella87
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Probably so but not knowing the circumstances surrounding their breakup, it's hard to really say.

 

Fast forward to now.....the ex is in a new relationship, so it's not surprising at all that he's not welcoming her into his new life and relationship. If you were his current girlfriend would you?

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IMO...There is NO recovering from a refused proposal... none...

 

Your friend was wrong to even friend request him knowing he already has a GF.. He saw right thru it...

 

The last thing I'm sure he wants to do is risk his new relationship over someone who caused him pain in the past.

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mammasita:

I wouldn't mind too much as long as they weren't trying to get back together and there is trust the relationship. I would take it as it was in the past already and that he chose me.

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Art_Critic:

I get it must have been a hard blow to him then but my friend was trying to be as nice as possible when declining his proposal. She did loved him as a bf and was sad when he walked out of her life like that. The reason she send him a friend request is because she just wanted to say hi to him and how he's been.

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It's nice that your friend wants to be nice to her EX but he is under no obligation to accept her pity. His new GF probably wants him to have nothing to do with an EX & out of respect for her, he declined her request. If they see each other in public, of course being polite & gracious is the right thing to do. To foster any other kind of a connection is impossible.

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What is her motivation for sending a friend request to him anyway?

 

Hi,

It really was a bit silly of you to block me all those years ago, but I forgive you. :)

It must have been really difficult for you to get over me, it must have hurt real bad, but hey let's just be friends now, I bear you no grudges.

Do you still think of me? Don't you think we were good together? Do you ever want me back?

We used to be such good friends, do you remember all those great days and nights we had?

 

Let's hang out again, are you free for coffee next week?

I can also meet your lovely gf and tell her of all the great times we had together before you met her...

 

Love you,

Your ex.

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Fair or not, isn't this how many women would react when they've been dating their men for X amount of time and their men won't marry them? Breaking up and finding someone else.

 

A marriage proposal isn't about getting asked out on a date and you saying ''No, maybe some other time''. It's a symbol of love of them telling you they are ready to spend the rest of their life with you. I'm sure that type of rejection isn't something anyone would take kindly and be like ''Oh it's ok, I don't mind being your bf'' and not be hurt about it.

 

I'm assuming that apart from being hurt and probably humiliated, he probably doesn't want to be remind of it either so breaking all contact (a way to remove yourself from the hurt) and moving on was the only way. So far I don't know any man or woman that would take kindly when being told no to marriage and still stick around.

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I personally think it's taking it a little far but I do believe that it is not really any of her business and it certainly is not any of yours or ours.

 

She made an attempt to offer some level of civil contact and it was declined. He didn't strike out against her or retaliate or do anything inappropriate so I think she should just take that for what it's worth and move on with her own life and respect his privacy.

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SincereOnlineGuy
My friend declined her then bf's marriage proposal way back in 2009. They had been together for a slightly more than 3 years at the time but their relationship didn't ever recover afterwards. Her reason was that she was nervous about it and even though she loved him, didn't really feel the same way.

 

They only lasted for a couple months but when they broke up, he immediately went NC and till this day they haven't been on speaking terms. Even though the guy already has a gf, when my friend tried sending him a friend request recently and thought after a long while he was over it, he declined it. Isn't this too harsh? If it's already been years, should he welcome her as a friend? They were best friends before dating.

 

At the time, my friend was trying to make him feel better and thought they can at least be friends but he refused and didn't take it well. She was shocked to lose him not only as a bf (she didn't said no to the relationship) but also as a friend. Basically to that guy it's like she doesn't exist. I think that's harsh. My friend never cheated on him and was a good gf. Only thing she did was decline his proposal but to treat her like she doesn't exist anymore? Isn't this too much?

 

 

 

NO! It's not "too much".

 

What if this were a case of a 35yo woman who wanted no more than to marry and have a baby?

 

Should she date some dude for 3 years, and then ask him about the possibility of marriage and a family... and stick around if she is shot-down???

 

 

She, as a younger woman, had every right to decline a marriage proposal, and he, as a newly-rejected man, had every right to cut all ties to her.

 

 

Furthermore, what signal does it send to any new girlfriend when some idiot is still interacting with his ex-girlfriend, who he clearly wanted to marry at one point??

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Personally I can't fault him for not responding. Why should he when he doesn't want to be her friend? She should just keep it moving and not contact him again.

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While many don't directly think this while doing it, when someone proposes, they are basically asking the other person to spent the rest of their life with them - or break up with them.

 

It isn't explicitly stated - and it isn't romantic to think of it that way, but if someone says no to a proposal, the person proposing is most definitely going to feel hurt and most likely not be able to continue on in the relationship. Regardless of your friend thinking she can just be friends with her ex, it isn't over the top for him to want to cut off communication.

 

I can't imagine the pain I would feel if I exposed my heart and proposed to someone and they said no. But I definitely couldn't just be causal friends afterward. I'd be crushed.

 

That doesn't mean your friend is in the wrong for declining his proposal. I actually applaud that she was able to acknowledge that she wasn't ready. But I don't fault him at all for cutting all ties.

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Personally I can't fault him for not responding. Why should he when he doesn't want to be her friend? She should just keep it moving and not contact him again.
That was her last attempt in offering a friendship. She's leaving him alone now.

 

Thank you all for your perspective:

True it was right of her to be honest at the time but it sucks that sometimes being honest will cost you to hurt the other person.

 

SincereOnlineGuy:

In the case of a 35 year-old woman wanting kids and marriage, I think that would hurt more because as women, we have a limited time for childbearing and by then can't afford to waste further time. Men, on the other hand have all the time they want.

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SincereOnlineGuy:

In the case of a 35 year-old woman wanting kids and marriage, I think that would hurt more because as women, we have a limited time for childbearing and by then can't afford to waste further time. Men, on the other hand have all the time they want.

 

Not really. I don't think most men want to start fatherhood after the age of 45. Age affects us all and I doubt that most men want to pick up their preschooler and be mistaken for their grandfather.

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SincereOnlineGuy

 

SincereOnlineGuy:

In the case of a 35 year-old woman wanting kids and marriage, I think that would hurt more because as women, we have a limited time for childbearing and by then can't afford to waste further time. Men, on the other hand have all the time they want.

 

 

I understand the biology, but in this world where women want equal rights, and equal pay, etc. ... they have to at least be prepared to afford equal rights to others even when it merely relates to personal wishes, and where the law has nothing to do with it.

 

To not honor such a premise is akin to attaining equal rights along race lines and continuing to demand affirmative action after you get there.

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That was her last attempt in offering a friendship. She's leaving him alone now.

 

Thank you all for your perspective:

True it was right of her to be honest at the time but it sucks that sometimes being honest will cost you to hurt the other person.

 

SincereOnlineGuy:

In the case of a 35 year-old woman wanting kids and marriage, I think that would hurt more because as women, we have a limited time for childbearing and by then can't afford to waste further time. Men, on the other hand have all the time they want.

 

 

That doesn't give women the right to waste men's time and energy if they don't intend to marry when the guy wants to get married.

 

 

Women can get a sperm donor if it's that important to them to have kids. No need to use men for children.

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your friend is selfish. her life is probably not going well right now. is she still single and looking? if she hasn't met 'the one' yet she's probably regretting that she said no a few years back, living in the past, and using "friendship" as a ruse to bugger up this guy's life some more. not only did he rightfully ignore her, but it's a shame he can't do more than that. she deserves nothing from him and ignoring her is the least of what i'd do. she should be ashamed to even reach out knowing he has someone else. some people are really just ignorant.

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Boils down to this. He asked her to marry him. She said no to the proposal. That means that she doesn't love him the way he loves her.

 

So why should he want to stick around? To be rejected again in the future? In a way she did him a favor rather than saying yes even though she would never be able to give 100% to the marriage.

 

He found another woman and has healed and has no intentions of ripping the scab off a old wound just so she can say Hi, how you doing.

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SincereOnlineGuy

 

Women can get a sperm donor if it's that important to them to have kids. No need to use men for children.

 

 

 

Right, because sperm can originate elsewhere... :rolleyes:

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bubbaganoosh:

She's the type that can keep an ex as a friend and nothing else. She really thought he would feel a bit better hearing from her again after all this time and that he was over it. But yes, she had no intention of going further, only as friends.

 

going well right now. is she still single and looking?
Not really. She's been in several relationships since the break up and had taken a break for a short time. She's now been dating a new guy for about 3 months. It's just that she doesn't mind being friends with an ex (as long as no cheating was involved) and was just stopping by to say hi. She's really a carefree person.
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bubbaganoosh:

She's the type that can keep an ex as a friend and nothing else. She really thought he would feel a bit better hearing from her again after all this time and that he was over it. But yes, she had no intention of going further, only as friends.

 

Not really. She's been in several relationships since the break up and had taken a break for a short time. She's now been dating a new guy for about 3 months. It's just that she doesn't mind being friends with an ex (as long as no cheating was involved) and was just stopping by to say hi. She's really a carefree person.

Why is she so hung up about a declined friend request to an ex on fb then? I think she's probably more careless than carefree if she's gone through several relationships since this particular ex. Tell her to leave the poor bloke alone!

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At the time, my friend was trying to make him feel better and thought they can at least be friends but he refused and didn't take it well. She was shocked to lose him not only as a bf (she didn't said no to the relationship) but also as a friend.

 

Correction: Your friend wanted to make HERSELF feel better, so that is why she initiated the friend request. This was never about him, no matter how she phrases it, it's about HER and how she feels about it.

 

Good for him for going NC and staying true to it. He deserves better and apparently he found better than your friend.

 

When you refuse a marriage proposal, why continue and try again? It's a hard thing to recover from for a man and is effectively a rejection of the highest order. So why would he even want to consider being a boyfriend or a friend of any kind.

 

She needs to deal with it and move on. He did.

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Take a step back here. She is bent out of shape because he rejected a friend request on a social media website. Yet she rejected a proposal of marriage. Irony.

 

No, I don't think it's harsh at all that he doesn't want to be her friend. He's moved on and has no need to "feel a bit better" by being her friend. Please.

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bubbaganoosh:

She's the type that can keep an ex as a friend and nothing else. She really thought he would feel a bit better hearing from her again after all this time and that he was over it. But yes, she had no intention of going further, only as friends.

 

Not really. She's been in several relationships since the break up and had taken a break for a short time. She's now been dating a new guy for about 3 months. It's just that she doesn't mind being friends with an ex (as long as no cheating was involved) and was just stopping by to say hi. She's really a carefree person.

 

She's dating another guy and sending invites to an ex who is with another woman?

 

I don't think it's an innocent request. Furthermore, I wouldn't like it one bit if I was the new person in this girl's life.

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She's dating another guy and sending invites to an ex who is with another woman?

 

I don't think it's an innocent request. Furthermore, I wouldn't like it one bit if I was the new person in this girl's life.

 

Yeah, good thing her ex didn't accept her request. She sounds like a drama queen who can't be happy. I bet he's glad he moved on to the girl he's with now.

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