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he won't marry me after 8 years & i'm devastated, what should I do?

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Old 28th November 2005, 11:12 AM   #31
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To sadlyTSW:

Girl, I can relate, I'm in a similar situation. I have been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years now. We met in my home state. Then 9 months later, after a last-minute waiting list call back, he went to law school in another state. We had a long distance relationship for 9 months before coming to live together in Chicago for the past one and a half years. He will finish his law degree this year, and will be getting a job, probably in another state.

And I have decided for myself that if he won't give me a firm commitment within half a year, that I am not moving again and will be moving on with my life. And I really don't know what's going to happen.

I know what you are saying sadlyTSW, I type into the search engine too, how to get him to marry me, why won't certain men marry, boyfriend doesn't want to get married, etc. I've been doing it for a couple of years now. I've had countless conversations about the future to no avail for me, I still have no answer, at least not one I want to hear. The answer is no. We have already been physically separated by work/school situations twice. But yet still made it through so far and we are still together, and have had our share of happiness and struggles.

All the advice we hear can lead to a complicated jumble. Even though that book "He's Just Not That Into You" has some common sense advice, I wouldn't rely on it. Life is too complicated. We just have to know what is complicated enough, how much we want to take. There's just some common sense stuff -- if he doesn't treat you well, if he hits you, if he doesn't return your phone calls, if he's a freeloader who doesn't have a job, well, it should be pretty obvious that he's no good for you. We shouldn't take sh*t if you know what I mean. You don't need to pay $14.99 to figure that out, though a little browsing at Borders never hurt ...

But then there are the men who are decent, caring, who listen, who make us laugh, who are capable of holding a job, who are supportive and have at least a few faults and surpass the minimal requirements. But some of these men are reluctant to tie the knot for a variety of reasons, including their age, fearing loss of freedom, fearing divorce, or whatever the hell reason. These are men whose women love them, and many of the women are ready for commitment before the men are. Some men are slow turtles and never finish the race, while some will steadily make it to the end with you.

So ultimatums, may or may not work. All these techniques we have all heard about may or may not work. It really depends on whether or not he will ever decide, because it's possible that your man will decide to marry you. Or he won't. For me I think one needs to figure out how much time and energy he or she is willing to sacrifice, what time frame that person sees himself or herself being married, and also access what he or she wants out of life. (this does not only apply to women.) Do you see yourself being with this partner for the rest of your life, or do you just want to get married for the sake of getting married? Set a time frame, and if nothing happens, move on. Or just stay longer and ask again later. Maybe the answer will be yes later down the road, and maybe it will still be No.

Women have a choice. I think it may be the men who are more confused about what they want. I think men have more fantasies about what they could have. I mean, almost all people get married at some point in their lives. So a man will probably get married at some point.

An aside to sadlyTSW, living together is hard, marriage is hard, and just because he or she is "into you" doesn't mean you'll stay together forever. "The Rules" don't apply to real human beings. We can't always read a book to know the answer (though we can find good and bad advice) because there just isn't any answer other than what we decide at any given moment and the commitment we put into our decisions.

Good luck for both of us. I'm sending a prayer out to you.


Originally Posted by sadlyTSW
Every few months I get down in the dumps that my boyfriend hasn't proposed, and I type in something like "boyfriend won't propose" in google. Then I sit around reading about woman after woman in the exact same position.

Some people say, if he loved you, he would marry you, forget about him. Some people say an ultimatum is the way to go. Some people say that marriage is just a piece of paper and doesn't really matter. I say that the whole situation is miserably complicated, and it's hard to know what the f*$% to do!

So, girls you have my sympathy! It's not easy to know what to do--anyway you look at it. If anyone comes up with a real solution, please share it with me. I'm desperate for it.
Old 14th December 2005, 1:27 AM   #32
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He's Just Not That Into You


Reading all of your posts, I realize that the way that God, or Allah, or evolution have created men different from women can be a real pain in the a**! Are men meant to live in a polygamist society spreading their gene pool as far and wide as possible? Is this why they have such an inherent revolting whenever the "M" word comes into their vicinity? Are women only interested in security and commitment in the form of a shiny rock on their finger and promises of a cozy house nest full of rosy-cheeked babies?

I too, sadly, have fallen victim to the "M" game. As a 30 (aghh!) year old, I never thought I would be in this place. I've had many boyfriends in the past, some who treated me very well, some who did not, but none whom I seriously thought I would marry. I naively assumed that when the time came, the man I wanted to marry would obviously want to marry me! Silly me- I've been with my boyfriend for 3.5 years. He's a year younger, sensitive, sweet, caring, got a great career, and professes his undying love for me and yet.... no ring, and you've never seen such a squirmy wormy when it comes to the "M" word.

Oh I tried everything! I've tried the gentle prodding, the "maybe if I don't talk about it, he'll bring it up", and finally the tears and even (I'm ashamed to say) the ULTIMATUM. I even wrote up a contract (no type As around here, no sir-ee!) and he actually agreed to the deadline. After all that, he hasn't turned his tail and run as most commitmentophobes may have (ok, I admit, most MEN might have). The sad part is of course, the magic of it all is totally lost and there is no women out there who wants to feel like she dragged her sweetheart to the altar by the balls. The deadline is still almost a year away, but the relationship has a bit of a stale flavour to it now...

I don't believe in living by any "rules" or by popular book titles. I think common sense and happiness are things that are inherent to all of us. If you are in a situation that is making you unhappy, confused, and you are spending alot of mental energy thinking about how to make someone commit to you, there is a problem. You have it in your power to make your life different. I can't say that this has to be in the form of an ultimatum (I really don't know if I'd repeat that, given the chance...) or in a different relationship, or in changing your attitude to find a little more patience, or becoming a lesbian so you could be with someone of the same species as you.

For me that change maybe could have come in the form of letting go of some of that control. It's tough for us A types. Someone knock me out with a chill pill until next year comes!

Good luck to all you ladies, it was great to read and share.
Old 14th December 2005, 5:08 PM   #33
Join Date: Dec 2005
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Cool Well ladies..

Let me help you solve this dilemma about why he won't ask by asking you to honestly answer these questions. Once you have gone through these maybe it will help you figure out what's going on ?

1. What's in it for him ? Honestly what improvement to his life will he get be
marrying you that he's not getting now ? Be realistic, sit down and honestly
look at what beneficial changes he'll only get after the wedding and you'll
see why it's not the major concern to him that it is to you.

2. What's the worst that could happen ? Read the tales of a few divorced
men and imagine that is what happened to you. He has and is without a
doubt trying to decide if the risk is worth it. This takes time.

3. Finally, do you really think your giving him everything he believes he
needs now ? I know you think things are going good but step back, let
go of your ego and see things from his POV. Whether it's true or not do
you honestly think he's getting everything he needs or can he do better
than you ?
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Old 26th December 2005, 12:37 AM   #34
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On the same boat...

Yes, another female in the same situation. I've been with my BF for 8 eight years now. At the beginning of our relationship, we never talked about our future together, only because it was the beginning of a relationship. Just last year, after living together for four years, I began to talk about marriage, I'm 38 and he is 33. I don't see myself as an unreasonable person. I want to get married because I love him and want him to be my partner for life; just to go on with life with him knowing he will be there with me until the end. We had a good conversation about marriage, however, his answer to me "eventually, we'll get married". I want to believe in him so much, but at the same time, I am skeptical about his convictions. He also says he wants to be more financially stable, but he is ready to purchase a home with me and not marriage? I have a hard time understanding this concept. I do make a lot more money than he does, but that has never bothered me because he is a good person and the person I can see myself with for a lifetime. The question I have within myself, since he can't even tell me except for "if I wanted to leave, I would of left a long time ago" is that does he really love me enough to make me his wife? I'm not sure of this answer since he doesn't really like to talk about marriage anymore. I want to marry him, its just the question whether if he wants to marry me. It's just unfortunate, he is not. I don't want to leave on a "ultimatum" basis, but I do want to leave because I don't think he is as serious about our relationship as I am.
I'm at the point of giving up, I would hate to lose him but I do need to think about myself and what I want in my life. I'm really confused, any advice would help me before I either make the worst or best decision of my life.
Old 26th December 2005, 2:52 AM   #35
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On the same boat...

I understand completely.

I've been with my bf for 8 years now, and living together for 4 years. Recently, I've talked to him about marriage, and I get "eventually we'll get married" "what difference will marriage make in our relationship" "I'm not financially ready"

I do not understand the concept that he is ready to buy a home with me, but not ready for marriage. I'm 38 and he is 33, I'm at the point of my life where I need to make more concrete decisions about my future with him. I have no doubt that I love him and want to be with him for the rest of my life, just not sure about his intentions with me. He says "if I didn't want to be in this relationship I would of left a long time ago". I do understand that saying but everytime we talk about marriage, it turns into a explosive arguement where we never get anywhere and nothing accomplished. I talk to him nicely but I guess he's just as comfortable as I am talking about marriage.

I'm at the point where I don't know what to do, I do love him and want to spend my life with him, but I do also love myself and want what is best for me.

I welcome any suggestions. Thanks.
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Old 27th December 2005, 2:07 AM   #36
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oops, duplicated....

sorry, I'm a new user and I duplicated my message one under MSTZA and the other as "SeekingHappiness". I thought the seekinghappiness didn't take so I registered properly under MSTZA and shortened my message....

Can you tell I really need advice?
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Old 29th December 2005, 2:47 PM   #37
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I'm in the same boat, but I'm the evil man you speak of

This is coming from the other side. My woman and I have been together since we were both about 17(I'm 26 now). Before we got together I felt like I found my true love and then she moved away. Then my current girl called me up one night I came over and she told me that she really liked me. We ended up having sex. I stayed over and left the next morning for work. I called her the next day at work. At some time she ended up moving in with me at my parents house after we graduated. Then we bought a house together when I was 19 almost 20. She had nagged me about a ring and I gave in and got her one. It was kind of a turn-off how she approached it. She wanted to set a date, but I never felt comfortable about it for some reason and wasn't ready. I feel like I never had a connection with her like my previous girl, but that was with my first love. So I tried to focus on the current situation. We've always got along pretty good. I'm a good guy, she's a good person. Very motherly, cooks for me, does things with me, very sexual. She can be insecure at times, and has had trust issues with me and maybe I can't blame her sometimes I feel I can't trust myself(is this my man genes?, but I fight it). The only thing I ever did was when we were together for like the first month my old girl came in town for a few days and I went to be with her. I know this is bad, I was 17 though and my first love. So after she left town again, of course we got back together. I know that's messed up too. This is the only thing that has ever happened and I haven't seen/talked to the old girl ever since. So my current girl wore the engagement ring for a while and eventually gave it back and told me to give it to her when I was ready. It seems like since the first time I gave her the ring cause she bit@hed about it and it turned me off I still never felt comfortable about proposing. I seemed to want everything to be perfect and true to me first. A few years go by and she asks me to marry her which makes sense she really really loves me. Although we're on vacation with friends and I had been drinking since noon and it was midnite. Apparently I told her what she wanted to hear. The next morning she was talking to me about it and I acted like I didn't remember. That was about 6 months ago and eversince then we have been having problems. Of course she isn't happy because we're into our late 20's she's been with me for so long and no commitment from me. I started feeling like she just wasn't doing it for me anymore. Maybe she never really was I don't know, she tried. I always kept trying to overcome my doubts, fears, and uncertainties, which drug on the relationship. I wanted it to work. She tells me she loves me so much. How can I let that go? I feel like a horrible person. I ended up moving out a month ago. She gave me my ulitimatum the other night and I declined. I think if I was totally in to her I would have gotten married. I don't think I am scared of commitment or marriage. I want to find that special true love, which she thinks she has. I wish I had the same exact feelings as her. I know I can't do this to her anymore. In some ways I feel our relationship never started properly and never grew properly I feel like I never totally let her into my heart. Sometimes I got the feeling like she was forcing me to love her and I think that turned me off and my love never grew naturally. I still don't know what to do. This is very hard for me. I know she loves me and I know she hurts really bad. I guess it's for the best though. If it's meant to be maybe we'll find each other later. Another thought is that I've never been on my own(ever). Although I'm very scared to be alone and fear being lonely. Maybe it's what I need. Any thoughts or comments would be great.

Old 29th December 2005, 9:40 PM   #38
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One thing my mom always said that there are some things a man doesnt lie about ( meaning his actions) and Men do what they WANT to do. If I were you I would look at all the things he wanted to do over the years and if he actually did them. That new TV, new car, new tires, expensive sneakers or that electronic gadget he was so excited about and had to have. Those things were important to him and he wanted them. They were his prioritys. The same goes for his relationship. His actions seem loud and clear and getting married is not his priority or least not right now. Of course everyone or rather most men feel they cant get married until "they get themselves right" but you can answer that question yourself. If it was really important, he wouldnt take 8 years to "get right" or at least make some headway to get where he wants to be financially. I'll try not to make this too long but one of the things Im sure you want is a man who is confident about his relationship and the woman he loves. Unless you are going to get a new job, where you work or what your job requires should not be an excuse but a testament that when you love someone you make it work. How can you make him see the serioness of the situation? When you see the seriousness in yourself and get your self confidence back. Every day you think to yourself you are not good enough to be someones wife you will lose yourself more and more.Then you will be right. No one wants to marry an insecure woman who doesnt think highly of herself. I wont tell you to dump him or move on. I will tell you to assess yourself and what you want. Set a time frame for YOURSELF ( by the way that would then be a goal and not an ultimatum) so perhaps it means having a heart to heart and giving yourself a certain amount of time to stay in the relationship or move on. Dont let it be 16 years. Dont make a decision about what to do with the relationship, make a decison about YOU want.
-girlfriend of 5 years, getting married Sept. 06 ( age 31)
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Old 29th December 2005, 11:26 PM   #39
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Was in a similiar situation


I was in a similiar situation for about 3 years- 4 years ago. I actually met my husband online in a chatroom. Due to some very strange circumstances, we ended up together (living together a.k.a. shacked up) very quickly. Within the first 6 months we were "over" but didn't split.

We stayed together and things worked themselves out and within the end of the year, we were engaged. 2 years went by and we never made any plans to marry, but I finally started bugging him to do the deed.

At this point, he said something pretty darn close to "why do you want to do get married- it won't change how I feel about you- I won't love you any more!"

WHAT? This prety much ticked me off so I pretty much gave him an ultimatum and made arangements at the jp. I wasn't about the big wedding or anything- but I wanted some sort of official committment. I mean, yeah, he's right, nothing is really going to change- the sun doesn't set differently and if anything, you become just alot less guarded once you're married i.e. bathroom etiqute (caintspeel).

But there is something binding, that makes you feel more complete with that little piece of paper. Gosh, I don't even know where mine is now!!!

Anywho, I told him when and where and he showed. If he didn't I was prepared to move on with my life, seperately. Talk about being financially secure is an excuse. You're together today- that piece of paper will just make the "financial security" more of a hinderance if you do split- and isn't that what it really comes down to?

If he's committed enough, mature enough, and has money enough to co-habitate w/o a marriage certificate, then what's the hold up?

I'll tell you what it is- it's that feeling of "this is it." I mean, from converstations I've had with people, it's the big ole "final nail in the coffin" The "this is the last person I will shag for the rest of my life (because I intend to remain faithfull to them)" thing. The "no more one nighters" feeling.

And it's not really such a bad thing. It just takes some people a looooooong time to realize it. If you've actually found "the one" then it's not a problem. When it is a problem is when they're not sure. And that's when you might need to step back and figure out if you want to invest anymore of your life and blood in the relationship.

Because if this isn't "the one" the actual one might pass you by (but I do like to believe in fate and density *george mcfly*)
If there was more love in the world, there'd probably be alot less dyin'
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Old 30th December 2005, 3:00 AM   #40
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Marriage is just paper

Im a guy in a life-long commited relationship who is not married, and will never get married.

When you women finally realize that commitment does not exist on a piece of paper, all your problems will go away. You have had this marriage concept drilled into your heads since birth and are now beyond brainwashed.

You are willing to throw away a perfectly good relationship because you dont have a silly piece of paper saying you are married. God forbid!

Look at the divorce rate. That piece of paper and those marriage vows are worthless. Making a relationship work takes time and effort, constantly, year after year. No legal document, or vows, you sign or say one time years ago have the ability to hold a relationship together.

If me and my girlfriend got married tomorrow, do you know what would change?
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. We would love eachother just as much, we would still be just as commited, not a millimeter more.

Giving people ultimatems, because you want the official "marriage seal" stamped on your relationship is frankly idiotic.

A lot of men have wised up to marriage. Getting married does nothing for a man and only brings him added negatives and risks. It only makes ending a reltionship a living hell, who needs that divorce mess?? The emotional breakup is hard enough. If youre thinking, AHA! thats why you should get married, because its harder to breakup, then you need a reality check.

Do you really want someone staying married to you only because they dont want to go through the legal hell of a divorce??? People like this just go out and cheat on you instead to fulfill their emotional needs.

Marriage is out of date. If you want to be with someone you love for the rest of your life, then JUST DO IT! Do it every day!

My life parter and I have been together longer than all our friends have been married. Most of them have already been divorced once already.

Now I ask you, who is more commited??? ;-) 15+ years, happy, and going strong. Did that silly piece of paper they had work?? Nope. They had that marriage document, we didnt, and we crushed them , LOL!

End of rant
Old 31st December 2005, 5:09 PM   #41
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Unhappy Approching 6years and he's affaid to give me a ring

Hello, Everyone I was reading the 8years one and that seems like so long me and my guy are only approcing 6 and that seems like for ever. We have be arguing for a couple of days now and it's like he doesn't get it. I really love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him but I have my own personal goals I have set for myself such as Marriage, kids, the whole family thing and I want to start having kids around 25 that is only a year away for me and I dont' want to have childern out of wedlock so this is like chrunch time for me. I just don't know what to do. He is very aware of the things that I want for myself. I also want to make him happy and I don't want to push in to a marriage that isn't going to last. He willing to buy a house with me, we have a bank account together. we are praticully married but with out the engagement, and wedding that are suppost to happen. I've tried giving him space and time to think but it's like that doens't change anything. I've asked him to tell me if he doesn't want to, to just tell me so I can move on with my life. He tells me he loves me, but he's not sure if he's ready.... What does this mean coming from a boyfreind willing to commit to a 30 year loan??? I'm so confused and don't really understand why he is acting this way and then when I ask to talk about it he shuts down and says he not ready he still needs to think about it. I don't know if I should just say to him this isn't working for me and i need to move on with my life and do what i need to do, you have been a great boyfriend I truly do love you but I'm not happy with how things are looking into a future for us let alone me. So It's time that we go are separte ways and move on. Thanks for being there through everything that we've gone through and more. Your are a true friend and heart and I will always love you. then just walk away from it all? I really dont' know please help me.
Old 1st January 2006, 9:35 PM   #42
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*gives a standing ovation to Marriage Sux*

My man, you just said everything that I had considered saying as I read through this thread. Beautiful post, mate. Couldn'tve said it any better myself. Ladies need to stop freaking out over marriage. The idea that if a guy doesn't really love you if he doesn't want to marry is so ridiculous, and so tragic that so many women believe it!

One truly has to wonder how many great couplings have been cannibalized over this....only for the girl to *finally* find herself in divorce court with the guy she chose as "The One". It makes me depressed to even think of it. Marriage is useless...but two people truly commited to each other is beautiful.

Congrats on your relationship by the way. I hope someday I find someone who'll happily stay with my crazy ass that long (and vice versa).
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Old 1st January 2006, 10:37 PM   #43
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I will eventually marry my GF but I have a queation for the women. Why is it that women are always the one so eager to take that walk down the aisle but then once theyr are married they place little value on the marriage? Why is it that 75% of divorces are filed by women yet men are called the commitmentphobes. Men may be reluctant to get married but once we are married we take that commitment seriously while for many women it seems like we are disposable. This is what many men are so afraid of. What is worse a single man who hesitates to marry and create a family or a married woman with children who one day decides to break up the family because she wants to go find herself and she misses her single days. This is what men are so afraid of. They don't want it to all blow up in their face. I know a guy who is in his 40s and has no desire to ever marry and he says talking to divorced guys is the reason.
You know people have completely lost it when you can no longer tell the difference between real headlines and Onion headlines.
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Old 2nd January 2006, 4:18 AM   #44
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75%? Sounds a bit high, but...

Originally Posted by Woggle
Why is it that women are always the one so eager to take that walk down the aisle but then once theyr are married they place little value on the marriage? Why is it that 75% of divorces are filed by women yet men are called the commitmentphobes. Men may be reluctant to get married but once we are married we take that commitment seriously while for many women it seems like we are disposable.
I heard the number was more like 70%. But it really doesn't matter. Fact is, more than half of the divorces *are* filed by the woman, so you're right about that. As for reasons why, I can think of many. The first one that comes to mind is a similar statistic on how many married men will cheat on their spouse, versus how many women will cheat. (Those numbers are about 70% of the men, and 25% of the women.) Coincidence? Maybe.... Or maybe not.

Other reasons: Having a baby changes everything, and is very stressful -- women change A LOT when pregnant/a new mother, but the men often don't change at the same rate or along the same path. The woman's sex drive plummets due to lack of sleep, whacked hormones, and stress. The man perceives lack of sex as loss of love in the relationship. Both spouses start backing away from communicating effectively. And at some point, the man may stray and seek comfort in someone else's arms.... Oh, wait. that's still the same reason I gave above.

Okay, how about this: The marriage was beautiful, the kids are grown, things seem to be going great. Husband and wife are now approaching their golden years together.... But the wife is starting to look older now -- her stretch marks are showing more, she colors her hair, her breasts are sagging noticably. The husband, meanwhile, has achieved a degree of respect and success at work, he earns a lot of money, life is comfortable, and he's facing his mortality up ahead. Mid-life crisis strikes. Just when the wife is thinking about holding hands and growing old together, he's thinking about buying a sports car, and how fun things used to be when he was younger and single. Pretty soon, the sweet young thing at work who is a bit flirty starts filling his thoughts, and what started as innocent innuendo balloons into an affair. But, then, this goes back to that darned statistic, doesn't it?

So, Woggle, sometimes there is a reason that balances an alarming percentage.

I'm not letting the 25% of the female cheaters off the hook. Nor am I overlooking the 30% of the reliable, mature, honest and decent men out there who take their vows seriously. For whatever reason, a working lifelong marriage takes commitment and hard work from *both* spouses. And when a marriage succeeds, it's a beautiful thing. My parents just had their 43rd anniversary this year, and my boyfriends parents just had their 50th. It happens.
"When you look for the good in others, you discover the best in yourself" -- Martin Walsh
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Old 2nd January 2006, 4:52 AM   #45
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What I am reffering to is that women are much likely to walk just because. Look at the divorce and breaking up forums on this board and see why many men are so afraid to commit. It is filled with women leaving just because. I even stopped reading it for a while because it makes me mistrust in my own relationship. In many ways marriage for a man is like playing russian roullette. You never know when it will be over and men who don't want to marry see this.
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