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he won't marry me after 8 years & i'm devastated, what should I do?


Getting Married Cold feet to pre-marital stressors--the place to discuss all the issues that come with saying "I do."

 
 
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Old 23rd December 2004, 12:52 AM   #16
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Re: Wow

Quote:
Originally posted by summer77sister
I understand all thathas been mentioned. I am 27 and been with my boyfriend for 4 years, through addiction recovery etc.. and I have always wantd to be married to him. Not becuase "everybody's doin it" but because I do want that commitment. Yes I agree that it seems easy to blow off mariage as not required to live, yet it is important to me. My boyfriend does not see this happening for another couple of years.. which leaves me sad. I respect the fact that we both come from broken families, and that "we're young" but when I read a reply on the posts saying If he hasn't done it by now... he just isn't into you" I was convinced that I may have to leave. Then there is this pratof me that says it not that ez. I have tried to just enjoy my single life, yet I find myself resentful at him and the world. Then he says that he wants to have enough $ for the ring I want... I'm sorry but that is b@#$$%^%^!! So I guess i am confused, or just holding on to someone that just doesn'tlove me the way thatI love him.. What to do..I now I will be much happier when I make a decision, yet I just don't know what that decision is? He's never chased me when I've walkee away (for 5hrs..lol) so, what does that say? any advice?
Hunny. I am having the same trouble I just made a new thread with this topic(if you look at it you will know my story) but to make a long story short. I have been with my boyfriend 3 years and we have talked about marriage but he is not ready because he is "not ready". and when I ask why he is not ready he says because he needs to get his finicial situation(we are still in college) finished and can afford me a ring. I love him so much and want to get married when we get out of school so we can struggle together to build our lives together. But he still wants to wait. I need advice on this one too. Anyone out there that can help us? Someone needs to write a book on this topic!
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Old 23rd December 2004, 10:16 AM   #17
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I've been there

I could have written your post myself a few months ago. I was in a 9 yr relationship, we were high school sweethearts. I so badly wanted to get married. All my friends had taken the plunge and were planning families and I had yet to even be engaged and was in the longest relationship of them all. I too thougth I just wasn't pretty or smart enough, something had to be wrong with me. Marriage is symbolic - and yes when thinking logically you do have to question the validity of putting so much behind something based souly an idea. But then I realized that you have the right to want it just as much as he has the right not to. No side is better. I know this isn't what you were hopeing to hear, but I ended up ending our relationship. The clencher for me was when we sat through our 9yr anniversary dinner in silence. I struggled to make conversation but I might as well have been talking to my shrimp alfredo. But there are happy endings. I am now engaged to be married to a long time friend. I have everything with this man that I had ever wanted in my previous relationship. When you go from being unappreciated to appreciated it's feels 100 x's better than you could ever imagine.
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Old 24th December 2004, 4:11 AM   #18
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agreed

I agree with Redkats advice, don't do the ultimatum thing.. and I wouldn't listen to what ucfkevin has to say either.

I believe the lady isn't saying "I want to get married cause all my friends are".. i believe there's a defining point beyond that statement. Such as, she's been with the same man FOREVER and sees herself going nowhere quick.. and I think that it bothers her that her friends are progressing in life and she is not, atleast on that personal level. With that said, let's get past stupid semantics..

For women there is symbolism in the marriage, sometimes religious.. and if it's what YOU want, you deserve absolutely NO LESS than a man who wants the same thing you do.
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Old 31st December 2004, 9:56 AM   #19
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Cool To marry or Not to marry....

I am new, not registered yet, but I came on to here by way of a similar situation. I am 44 and been with a man for almost 3 years. In the beginning he was to the one that was adamant that things get off on a big bang and I certainly felt alot of love for this person and we have now been through the "ups and downs". On the subject of marriage, he said he was not sure due to that he wasn't sure what marriage met, he has been married 3 times now. So I gave him some slack and said I understood - that was 2 years ago. Now time has past and found him romantically emailing his ex-wife (#1) - who is married. I could of thrown him out and I almost did, but did not. Later also found him connected to "love searches" ie Match.com...These situations seem to rise when we were having our down periods. I still, yes still, question our relationship...it should be a no brainier, but he says he still loves me. So I said, self, what do I want from this relationship? and what I realized is that I am not getting what I deserve...I did not get what I thought I was getting. Now don't get me wrong, I think we all have to compromise in relationships - we all don't get what we exactly want, BUT, when do we draw the line in the sand? When do you say, self, this is not meeting the basic standards. I can't tell you how many times I did not stand up for what I thought was right in a relationship, because I thought the situation would change. I do believe one need to confront (not aggressively) the question - where is our relationship going? This is what I see? What do you see? Does it all match? Does it come close? and the biggy are the real important issues do they match? Because if they don't you will regret not listening to your needs. Marriage is not just the ring, as I know we all can agree on - or the dress - or the honeymoon - or the babies you want to have - it's can both of you love and compromise for each other "willingly" and the more. Because I know deep in my heart if my partner really was on the same page as I - wanting a marriage for spiritual reasons - we would be married and on the same path, but we are not - so we are at that fork and decisions need to be made...I am not going to continue at the age of 44 to continue on with this situation, it's very important to me - plus I really cannot trust him. It's hard, I just need to do it...Thanks for letting me vent and I hope I made sense to some. Peace.
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Old 1st January 2005, 3:40 AM   #20
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I hear ya Heedly!

I haven't even finished reading all the other posts yet but I had to write. Here I am on New Year's Eve by myself (didn't really feel like celebrating this year) and reading your post. I dated my BF for around 6 years. In 2002 we had a small brake where he stared dating someone else for 8 months. Anyway, last June ('03) he said it took being with her to realize how much he missed me, blah,blah, blah..........I fell for his lines and we got back together. That time though I put a time limit on it.. Granted, when we started dating, I was only 23.........I was no where near getting married....but I kept dating (he was 6 yrs. older) thinking that down the road when I was ready, we'd tie the knot....

Last year I said "If we're not engaged by the end of the year, that's it............I can't spend 5 more years dating you..."

Unfortunately he did n't propose like I thought he would, after soooo many years..........he decided he 'couldn't go thru with getting engaged '(even though we seriously discussed it). He ended up "freaking,". "It just didn't feel right"....."Too much doubt & apprehension..." .............Whatever!

I hear you when you say you're 31,32 (can't recall right now).........Here I am (now 31) thinking my dreams of a "normal" adult life are shot...Like what are my odds of finding a nice guy, falling in love, marrying, & having a baby ???

I just wish that guy had written "He's Just Not That Into You" years ago!! I just saw the author on Oprah....Wish he'd written it about 4 years ago!! Any guy that is "really into you" will not date you for so long...........They are dating you for sooooooooooo long b/c they're still not sure & are still scoping what's out there....Save your time for a guy who appreciates how awesome you are............( I know, easier said than done).

Anyway, I know that doesn't make things easier, but I wanted to let you know it felt ............well, it made me feel kinda better to see that someone else (around my same age) is going thru something similar to what I went thru the last year............
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Old 1st January 2005, 3:46 AM   #21
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Re: Re: Wow

Quote:
Originally posted by tigerskye


Hunny. I am having the same trouble I just made a new thread with this topic(if you look at it you will know my story) but to make a long story short. I have been with my boyfriend 3 years and we have talked about marriage but he is not ready because he is "not ready". and when I ask why he is not ready he says because he needs to get his finicial situation(we are still in college) finished and can afford me a ring. I love him so much and want to get married when we get out of school so we can struggle together to build our lives together. But he still wants to wait. I need advice on this one too. Anyone out there that can help us? Someone needs to write a book on this topic!

I just responded on this..................Read the book "He's Just Not That Into You". Some guys will never be "ready..."Just needing a larger salary & stuff are all just excuses......If a guy is "into" you, he'll climb a mountain and then some just to be you husband...........Not bringing in a large income............just an excuse.

I was strung along for years. I've now wised up. If you're in LOVE, and your guy still isn't ready (for whatever reason), he'll never be ready...........trust me.
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Old 1st January 2005, 3:49 PM   #22
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He's just not into you

Yes, I have seen the authors on TV and I got the jist of it but I have not read the book. I wish I had this book many years ago. It really is so true...about what a man will do and what he won't do to get his women if he is into her. But I have noticed men really do like the challenge. However, as I am now 44 they still do, but now you have men who know who they are and really do know what they want (for the most part) and realize they are not 20 something and like the swinging, they really do want to settle down - it's realizing how mortal they are becoming. So if at my stage a man really is not wanting to marry, like my partner for 3 years - giving the excuse he is not sure what marriage is anymore and it's him...yea maybe a tinybit of that is true, but he just does not want to get married to me or get married period. To close with more thoughts on the book, it's information that really gives women the edge (for the most part) of what is going on inside men's minds - and it's not all us...and we deserve better - not a feminist writing, just a women who has grown to know what I need.
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Old 1st January 2005, 4:42 PM   #23
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Re: Re: Re: Wow

Quote:
Originally posted by carolina



I just responded on this..................Read the book "He's Just Not That Into You". Some guys will never be "ready..."Just needing a larger salary & stuff are all just excuses......If a guy is "into" you, he'll climb a mountain and then some just to be you husband...........Not bringing in a large income............just an excuse.

I was strung along for years. I've now wised up. If you're in LOVE, and your guy still isn't ready (for whatever reason), he'll never be ready...........trust me.

Thanks! I am actually right now going to get this book and men are from mars women are from venus. I think reading these books will help me out alot! And that is really good advice you are giving!!! It helps a lot!
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Old 15th September 2005, 11:31 AM   #24
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Going on Seven Years ~

I'm 42 years old...11 years older than my boyfriend and we have been together going on seven years now. (We do not live together but we spend every weekend together and talk on the phone several times a day.)

My problem is what I call "yo-yoing'... in other words, he talks of us getting married one day and within a month he is changing his mind saying, "I'm just not sure what I really want to do with my life, yada-yada-yada." I could understand this statement up until a year ago. My gosh, the man is 31 years old and I think he sould know by now if he wants ME to be in his life no matter WHAT the hell he decides he might want to do with his life.

I've been on this rollercoaster yo-you for long enough I think. I can "feel something changing" in my heart toward him. I don't really feel as angry as I have at times; it's more of a 'time to move on' kind of thing that leaves me feeling lonely and sad.

I love this man. No way would I still be with him this long if I didn't.....

I'll be glad when the day finally comes that I truly gather myself emotionally and walk away from him. A woman, by NATURE needs to feel 'security' every bit as much as a man by NATURE needs to feel 'tended too'.

I'm sorry for using your topic thread to 'vent'....but thankful to have gotten some of this off my chest. Thanks.
 
Old 19th September 2005, 6:31 AM   #25
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Won't marry me after 8 years

He just isn't that into you.

If you have to resort to a threat, that is, an Ultimatum, marry me or I'm out of here, he's not your kind of guy, and why would you want a guy who married you under those conditions?

Your wishes are important. No matter what reasons/excuses/justifications he may offer, and it can sound so rational (it is just a piece of paper, we ARE together, what is the big deal), the fact is this. you want to be married.

See a lawyer, protect your assets,and to make sure that you aren't already considered married, and then move on.
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Old 19th September 2005, 9:44 AM   #26
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Quote:
Originally Posted by heedley75
Hi Ev
...He even moved to the other side of the country to join me. Recently he began a new career somewhere else far away, and I moved to join him.

All of our friends are getting married now - every couple from college is married or engaged except for us. I really, really want to be engaged. I feel that my other girlfriends have suceeded where I have failed, that their boyfriends value them more than mine values me, that they must be prettier or nicer or smarter than I am.
I was going to go on a big thing about how he's only 25 and knows that he's not mature enough to be married -- despite that he is a remarkably hard working person, and he's made some sacrifices to be with you, too.

BUT, when I got to the part above about how everyong else is getting married, etc., I couldn't think of anything else. If you have said any of the stuff above to him, then I know why he isn't getting married.

When your girl implies that a huge reason for why she wants to get married is so that she gets the status that "all our friends" have -- time to take a BIG step back.
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Old 22nd September 2005, 11:36 AM   #27
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why

Quote:
Originally Posted by UCFKevin
Why do you need to get married? Just because your friends are? Come on, what is this, elementary school? Everyone's getting a cool trapper keeper, so you have to as well?

What will a certificate change? If you guys are working and he's going to be with you and loves being with you, just stick with that. Otherwise, if you NEED to get married, leave him because it doesn't look like it's in the cards, even though that would be foolish in my opinion.
why invest 8 more years on something that is cold now? get out and live..........
 
Old 4th October 2005, 5:28 PM   #28
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Hello,

This is my first message board attempt - I hope that it will make sense. I have been with my BF for 5 years. I have asked recently whether he will ever marry me and he says he does not know. I was just reading through some of these looking for some help and advice as like others I just don't know whether to wait and give him a few more years or move on - I'm 34. He is a good person and I love him dearly but don't want to be a fool. Some people were suggesting that marriage was a social expectation so I was thinking about exactly why I so much want to marry him, or want him to want to marry me! I don't think marriage makes life perfect just that think it becomes far less easy to walk away from problems and so you have to work through them and so you learn and grow together? Also, if he won't, is he saying to me and the world that he is not sure about me and wants to keep that back door open in case something better comes along? After all this time should he know me well enough to know whether I am the one and if he still doesn't mdoes it mean that I'm not. Please help!

Thank you.
Vic.
 
Old 4th October 2005, 10:23 PM   #29
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Depressing but Brutally Honest

I have really enjoyed these posts and I just recently left my boyfriend whom I lived with for 5 years. It was the same stalemate...I know that he didn't want to break up, and he wouldn't have left me, but he would have never married me. Anytime I brought it up, he would turn it into a joke or treat the subject matter as unimportant, suggesting I already had everything that I marriage would give me. But it's so true, that sense of security is completely absent without the legal commitment. I just felt that we had reached a point where our relationship wasn't going to evolve anymore unless we were married, and were willing to work on building our lives as adults together, meaning financially and emotionally.

I am 28 and he is 32 so I don't feel that we were of the age of making this decision irresponsibly. It was really sad to end the relationship, but I couldn't go on like that. Now that we've both started dating again, he expressed the sentiments, "I was hoping you would be quietly committed to me for the next 10 years". SERIOUSLY! So I'm glad I ended it, because I can't believe he really wanted me to wait around that long while he enjoyed his freedoms, and I just sitting on the back burner.

Now I'm starting from scratch I suppose, and even though I'm alone now, I feel like I have a much better chance at marriage not being in a relationship that couldn't jump to the next level.
 
Old 11th November 2005, 7:57 PM   #30
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Can relate

Every few months I get down in the dumps that my boyfriend hasn't proposed, and I type in something like "boyfriend won't propose" in google. Then I sit around reading about woman after woman in the exact same position.

Some people say, if he loved you, he would marry you, forget about him. Some people say an ultimatum is the way to go. Some people say that marriage is just a piece of paper and doesn't really matter. I say that the whole situation is miserably complicated, and it's hard to know what the f*$% to do!

I'm 26; he's 29. We've been together for 3 years, living together for 1.5. I love him so much; I know he loves me. Our relationship has had a billion more ups than downs; it's been a pretty darn good three years. Still, like too many women, I want to get married and he won't propose. He talks about it, and every six months or so, he takes me to look at engagement rings--usually when I've made a point of not mentioning the "m" word for a while. I get excited, and then no ring comes my way, I get down in the dumps and start to push the issue, and that's really the only time we fight.

So, I guess if he really loved me, he would be chomping at the bit to marry me. Still, I know he loves me, and I know he thinks about proposing (and has been thinking about it for nigh on two years). Furthermore, I love him, and I just can't leave him. Besides what if that ring was sitting in his sock drawer waiting for the right moment--goodness knows he knows what I like and my ring size. An ultimatum would be nothing short of a disaster--besides, I don't want to feel like I'm threatening him in to asking me to be the love of his lifetime. Finally, I would love to just be happy with us the way we are and not need marriage. That's impossible though, because while my logical self says, who cares, my heart knows that I care. I can't help wondering why he doesn't love me enough to marry me. Am I only good enough to live with and be his girlfriend? If I was funnier, or had bigger breasts, or made more money, or needed less sleep, then would he want to marry me?

So, girls you have my sympathy! It's not easy to know what to do--anyway you look at it. If anyone comes up with a real solution, please share it with me. I'm desperate for it.
 
 

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