LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Transitioning > Getting Married

he won't marry me after 8 years & i'm devastated, what should I do?


Getting Married Cold feet to pre-marital stressors--the place to discuss all the issues that come with saying "I do."

Old 14th October 2004, 12:29 PM   #1
New Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Posts: 1
Angry he won't marry me after 8 years & i'm devastated, what should I do?

Hi Everyone,

I am new to this format so please don't hold any inconsistencies against me!

I noticed a few other posts from young women like myself who are in very long term relationships with good men who are resistant to marriage or engagement. I must admit that the responses from some of you who wrote back to them made me cry. It is sad to face the reality that a relationship will never progress because for one reason or another, the man does not want it to. I thought maybe I would post about my own situation and look for some honest responses.

My BF and I have been together for 8 years, since college when he was 17 and I was 21. We have broken up a few times, but mostly have been together and when we are we have a solid, caring relationship that I think makes the perfect foundation for a marriage. He is responsible, intelligent, good-looking, caring...He even moved to the other side of the country to join me. Recently he began a new career somewhere else far away, and I moved to join him.

All of our friends are getting married now - every couple from college is married or engaged except for us. I really, really want to be engaged. I feel that my other girlfriends have suceeded where I have failed, that their boyfriends value them more than mine values me, that they must be prettier or nicer or smarter than I am. As I am now almost 30, I am really ready for marriage and a family. He says that he probably wants to marry me someday, but he is just not mature enough to make that sort of decision yet. He says that since my work requires me to travel outside the country for long periods of time (one year total in the last 18 months), our relationship cannot really advance that quickly. He won't ever speak in specifics and I am getting nowhere with trying to discuss it nicely with him.

Well, now I have really gotten myself in a sticky situation. I love him and I want to marry him, but I don't sense he is even interested in a long engagement until he becomes financially stable (which is a major concern for him, and won't happen for at least 2 more years - when I will be 32.) So, since I want a husband and a family, I wonder if I need to give him an ultimatum (which I fear would never work) or simply leave him and not even tell him why. The problem is, I have uprooted my whole life and made financial commitments that involve my family to move here to this new town with him (I don't even like it here, and he is too busy with work too even spend time with me, but that is another story.) So now what do I do?

This month is also the 8 year anniversary of when we started dating, and he has totally forgotten. I am a healthy, nice, intelligent, and attractive young woman, but I feel like no one will ever want me now, and my chances at marriage and family are getting ruined every day. Is there a way I can make him see the seriousness of the situation, or should I just throw in the towel? Please help!
heedley75 is offline  
Old 14th October 2004, 12:45 PM   #2
Unconfirmed Account
 
CurlyIam's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Paris, France
Posts: 3,210
First thing's first. Let's talk money here. In how much debt are you? When can you get out of it? Can you get out of it?

Second: my first instinct is to tell you to tell him to go to hell. Don't. You have invested 8 years of your life. OF course you are to give him an ultimatum. But you have to mean business.

Gather all your papers, talk to the bank. Show him on paper the sacrifices you made for him. Tell him that you need some certainty. You need a ring.

It may not be a wedding ring, it may be an engagement ring. But make him say if he sees you in his life 10 years from now. Do it for yourself, not for your friends, parents,relatives or media. Yes, I know it can be frustrating. But it's between the two of you alone.

See what he tells you. Hedleey, it is a very important moment in both your life. Listen carefully what he's telling you. 8 years means nothing if he'll leave you in 2 more. It is never too late to quit. On the other hand, don't leave because you're disapointed. Good, special people are so hard to come by...



Make this a problem, this downfall the turning point in your life. No matter where you go from here. Have patience and be very very wise. Check to see how sound financially you are.

Cheers,

Curly.
CurlyIam is offline  
Old 29th October 2004, 9:51 PM   #3
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 11
heedley,
i know what you are going throuhg and im in the exact situation like you, except i have only invested 2 years with this man. A year ago we talked about marriage and he wasnt ready, i decided to stay on because i didnt want to give up on him simply because i love him and maybe it was still too early to talk about marriage to someone who is commitment phobic, and he's also a nice person with a good heart and he treats me well, spends time with me and brings me to holidays very frequent. everything is great short of marriage!
I dont know why am i (or rather) why are we women so into marriage, no matter how nice the men treat us, they will never ever satisfy us enough withouht a marriage commitment. i wish i can minus that away from my expectation of men and start to enjoy life as it is. i think most of us are peer preasured when it comes to marriage. until today, im still working hard to gain his trust, his comfortability, and his acceptance in wanting me in his life. i know 50:50 chance that i will be disappointed in the end, but i will strive until the day comes when another guy comes to me and ready to lift me up to the aisle, then i know its time for me to move on. it hurts to love someone, it hurts even more having to leave the one you love. but since you have already invested 8 years, it would be a wiser choice to move on without him. oh ya, one more thing, when you give an ultimatum, make sure you really mean business and you can actually live withouht him, because as i said, it hurts alot and you need to have alot of courage to do it. sorry if i hadnt help much but it sure feels good to know you are not alone.

curly,
what do you mean by ......"On the other hand, don't leave because you're disapointed. Good, special people are so hard to come by... "?
monamacy is offline  
Old 29th October 2004, 10:24 PM   #4
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 3,335
Why do you need to get married? Just because your friends are? Come on, what is this, elementary school? Everyone's getting a cool trapper keeper, so you have to as well?

What will a certificate change? If you guys are working and he's going to be with you and loves being with you, just stick with that. Otherwise, if you NEED to get married, leave him because it doesn't look like it's in the cards, even though that would be foolish in my opinion.
UCFKevin is offline  
Old 29th October 2004, 11:07 PM   #5
Established Member
 
surfergirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: 3rd Floor
Posts: 327
Good points. Now let me tell you from someone who dated my ex husband 6 years before we married. No, we were not solid for 6 years but the majority we were. At 21 we decided to marry.....big mistake. I loved him then and a tiny piece of me will love him forever, however, neither he nor I were REALLY ready to marry.

We struggled to keep it together for 9 years and finally realized that it just wasn't working. Marriage is very hard and takes 100% from both to make it work. I'm not downing marriage - I hope to marry again someday. But be very sure that it's what the both of you want and realize it's a major step in your life - not one to be taken lightly. And not something to be done simply because of age or peer pressure including family pressure.

Marriage is meant to be for a lifetime and if you're having problems now those are warning signs. Take into consideration how the both of you are handling these problems and if he's truly the one for your lifetime. If he's not ready, I'm sorry to say you, more than likely, will have trouble.

Good luck with your decision.
surfergirl is offline  
Old 30th October 2004, 3:40 AM   #6
Established Member
 
jellybean's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Posts: 394
Hi heedley,

I am sorry you are hurting...your concerns are valid.

8 years!!!....please don't think i"m being harsh but - it doesn't look like you are going to get the committment from him that you need.
jellybean is offline  
Old 30th October 2004, 6:51 PM   #7
Unconfirmed Account
 
Nocturnalkitee's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Posts: 133
I often wonder why people think that getting married is going to make there life perfect You never once said that you wanted to marry him because you love him. You want to get married because all your college friends are married.

Yes you are getting older, but you still have a lot of good years ahead of you. If you feel like he is wasting your youth and time, start dating other people.
Nocturnalkitee is offline  
Old 30th October 2004, 10:23 PM   #8
Established Member
 
jellybean's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Posts: 394
Quote:
I often wonder why people think that getting married is going to make there life perfect You never once said that you wanted to marry him because you love him. You want to get married because all your college friends are married.

Yes you are getting older, but you still have a lot of good years ahead of you. If you feel like he is wasting your youth and time, start dating other people.
Well actually Nocturnalkitee, she DID say she loves him and wants to marry him. That's why the situation is so painful for her.
jellybean is offline  
Old 31st October 2004, 11:36 AM   #9
Member
 
Mr Spock's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2004
Posts: 3,347
Re: he won't marry me after 8 years & i'm devastated, what should I do?

Quote:
Originally posted by heedley75
Hi Everyone,

I am new to this format so please don't hold any inconsistencies against me!

I noticed a few other posts from young women like myself who are in very long term relationships with good men who are resistant to marriage or engagement. I must admit that the responses from some of you who wrote back to them made me cry. It is sad to face the reality that a relationship will never progress because for one reason or another, the man does not want it to. I thought maybe I would post about my own situation and look for some honest responses.

My BF and I have been together for 8 years, since college when he was 17 and I was 21. We have broken up a few times, but mostly have been together and when we are we have a solid, caring relationship that I think makes the perfect foundation for a marriage. He is responsible, intelligent, good-looking, caring...He even moved to the other side of the country to join me. Recently he began a new career somewhere else far away, and I moved to join him.

All of our friends are getting married now - every couple from college is married or engaged except for us. I really, really want to be engaged. I feel that my other girlfriends have suceeded where I have failed, that their boyfriends value them more than mine values me, that they must be prettier or nicer or smarter than I am. As I am now almost 30, I am really ready for marriage and a family. He says that he probably wants to marry me someday, but he is just not mature enough to make that sort of decision yet. He says that since my work requires me to travel outside the country for long periods of time (one year total in the last 18 months), our relationship cannot really advance that quickly. He won't ever speak in specifics and I am getting nowhere with trying to discuss it nicely with him.

Well, now I have really gotten myself in a sticky situation. I love him and I want to marry him, but I don't sense he is even interested in a long engagement until he becomes financially stable (which is a major concern for him, and won't happen for at least 2 more years - when I will be 32.) So, since I want a husband and a family, I wonder if I need to give him an ultimatum (which I fear would never work) or simply leave him and not even tell him why. The problem is, I have uprooted my whole life and made financial commitments that involve my family to move here to this new town with him (I don't even like it here, and he is too busy with work too even spend time with me, but that is another story.) So now what do I do?

This month is also the 8 year anniversary of when we started dating, and he has totally forgotten. I am a healthy, nice, intelligent, and attractive young woman, but I feel like no one will ever want me now, and my chances at marriage and family are getting ruined every day. Is there a way I can make him see the seriousness of the situation, or should I just throw in the towel? Please help!
If he's not sure you're the one after EIGHT YEARS, walk away. Find someone who does want to marry you. Sorry hon, he's just not that into you. He's not. The sooner you realize that and walk away, the sooner you can find someone worthwhile.

Remember ladies, as Greg says, don't waste the pretty. You're making excuses for him-all it boils down to is that he's too chickensh*t to tell you that he's not in love with you the way you want him to be. A man who was in love with you would want to marry you without you hinting about it. He wouldn't care if he was "financially stable" (how many of us are?) and he wouldn't make you wait TEN YEARS. He's delaying things because he's not sure you're the one he wants to be with. I would leave him.
Mr Spock is offline  
Old 31st October 2004, 5:26 PM   #10
Unconfirmed Account
 
Nocturnalkitee's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Posts: 133
[quote]I love him and I want to marry him (quote)

Jellybean ... thanks for correcting me, o.k. she does love him, but I (my opinion) feel that she wants to get married for the wrong reason.
Nocturnalkitee is offline  
Old 31st October 2004, 9:01 PM   #11
New Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Central Illinois
Posts: 1
Reply to Heedly75

Dear Heedly,

Just read your post. I feel for you, because I just broke up with a man that I really love, because he wouldn't set a wedding date, and we would have been together 6 years this December. He was the one that was pushy to get serious, and we have had our ups and downs over the years. I stuck by him through drug addiction, and he went to church with me and changed his way of life, not because of me, but because HE wanted to.

I stood by him through some hard knocks, and now that I thought that we were in a position to get married, he tells me, "I am not the marrying kind." I am a single parent with three children, now, not so little, ages 21, 18 and 13. When we met, my kids were 15, 12, and 7. I always thought that when the kids were older, it would be easier to get married, because there wouldn't be as many adjustments that needed to be made.

Let me tell you the main reason why I finally realized that we should go ahead and tie the knot. Besides loving feelings for him, I have never felt comfortable with a sexual relationship outside of marriage, since I am a devout Catholic, and I never felt I was setting a good example to my kids, carrying on, never making that commitment. Also, certain things have happened in my life, where I felt like I should give him an ultimatum. My elderly mother has had a stroke, and I wanted her to be around to see us get married. Plus, I got a steady job, and a house, all on my own, and I thought that it was time. But, as they say, love is blind, and even though my life had been improving, he was at a stand still with his. He isn't working in a steady job, just selling used mattresses out of the newspaper, and he also stays with his parents. He is 44 years old. But my eyes were blind to seeing that, since I have a high attractiveness to his personality, and his looks, (even though he is not that attractive to most). But, we love our men, in spite of it all, right?

Well, to make a long story short, I confronted him with my ultimatum over the phone, and he told me he wasn't the marrying kind, and now I haven't seen him since August 30th, 2004. October 14th was my birthday, and not a phone call or anything. I am still devastated, but I am coping with Gods help, because I have a family to support, and a life to live. It has been very hard, and I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I never imagined I would be without him; always thought we would get married. But, look at the circumstances. HE IS STILL LIVING WITH HIS PARENTS!!! If you have any suggestions or comments for me, please feel free to post them. And, talk about feeling like no one will ever want me now, try age 42. It is a tough one, but my faith has gotten me this far, and God will see me through. I have had to bury one child, and place my oldest son in a disabled home, so I have been used to loss. But, one never really gets good at it. Take Care, and God Bless you. I know how you feel!!! Love, leftaloneafter6.
leftaloneafter6 is offline  
Old 2nd November 2004, 9:39 PM   #12
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 11
this is to leftaloneater6

dear leftaloneafter6,

i'm sorry to hear on your story. you know what you want after been through so much in life.

to my amase, after been through the first failed marriage/relationship for so many years, you still have faith in marriages and want to go throuhg that again. somehow a lot of divorcees i've spoken to, they do not want to go throuhg that again and would prefer to maintain companionship with their partners. more so, when your kids are all almost grown up. why do you still insist on marriage when you know that he loves you and there is no one else in his life??

it is also to my amase that this man you have brought him to know God and he's indeed repented to HIS will, still that doesnt make him "the one" for you. what plans do you think God has instored for you after 6 years??.....just a thought. i prayed everyday for God to guide me in my relationship with this man and ask Him for an answer why HE brought this man to my life, there must be a purpose for it to happen, just wonder what it is??!!!!

appreciate your thoughts!

luv,
mona
monamacy is offline  
Old 5th November 2004, 7:14 PM   #13
red4kat
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
getting married problems.

Oh Ladies,

There are so many of you I can identify with. No matter what they say, when you're nearing the 3- zero number, your biological clock is just ringing like a giant bell. Being with a man that simply won't propose despite of being nice and loving just isn't complete. I feel your pain so much. We should all just get together one night for martini and "sex and the city". We are not alone.

I have a few comments to a few of you. First of all the author, a few things you mentioned. Did you say he is 4 years younger, so that makes him around 26? I noticed that in their mid twenties men tend to avoid marrage. Strange or not but they either marry irresponsibly without thinking around 21-22 or when they get up to thirties. There are exceptions, men who are still indesicive at 40, those are just not worth waiting for. Women start getting ready seriously for marriage from 25 and get close to desperate at 28-30. I hope it goes away eventually, Im 29 now and my strategy to deal with the fact that my boyfriend won't propose is to convince myself that marriage sucks. 27 is really the earliest age for a man to be ready for marriage, so he might be at the stage where he's sort of breathing his last breath of youth before turning into a man. If you really love him, it might be worth waiting another couple of years. Now if he was in his thirties, I'd say don't waste your time, by then he just may not be the marrying kind. You're worth what you want and have all the rights to go after it. But at his age it's quite normal to hesitate. If you do decide to leave though, please please please for your own and his sake tell him exactly why. It's important for him to know and for you to be heard, don't just walk away.

UCFKevin, you will never really understand why women want to get married and why is it so important to them. You just have to be a woman yourself to fully comprehand that. It's not something that's logical, it's an instinct, nature made us that way and we can't get away from it, period.

Yes is is a wonderful loving guy and there's a lot to appreciate about him but the fact that he won't propose will take away from a woman's happines whether men like it or not. She will never be completely happy and he will never know why.
 
Old 5th November 2004, 7:37 PM   #14
red4kat
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
one more thought

I think that ultimatum isn't the best choice. Most likely his responce will be "no" and it will make you feel like he made a final decision while at the same time he'll feel like it was you. An ultimatum is a pressure and there is only one way out of it, a break up after which you will most likely feel horrible. It also makes you look desperate and might scare him off. And worst of all, he might end up being the one to leave you.

I think much better choice would be to say, but only when you're ready to walk away: "I decided that it's best for us to split up. You've been a great boyfriend but what I really want is someone who wants to marry me. I love you but our situation isn't making me happy. I wish it were but I can't do anything about it." And then you walk away. I think this way might actually get him to think twice, plus in his mind not only he will feel the power to save the relationship is in his hands, he wasn't pushed into anything or feel like he is expected to do anything.
 
Old 26th November 2004, 11:00 AM   #15
summer77sister
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Unhappy Wow

I understand all thathas been mentioned. I am 27 and been with my boyfriend for 4 years, through addiction recovery etc.. and I have always wantd to be married to him. Not becuase "everybody's doin it" but because I do want that commitment. Yes I agree that it seems easy to blow off mariage as not required to live, yet it is important to me. My boyfriend does not see this happening for another couple of years.. which leaves me sad. I respect the fact that we both come from broken families, and that "we're young" but when I read a reply on the posts saying If he hasn't done it by now... he just isn't into you" I was convinced that I may have to leave. Then there is this pratof me that says it not that ez. I have tried to just enjoy my single life, yet I find myself resentful at him and the world. Then he says that he wants to have enough $ for the ring I want... I'm sorry but that is b@#$$%^%^!! So I guess i am confused, or just holding on to someone that just doesn'tlove me the way thatI love him.. What to do..I now I will be much happier when I make a decision, yet I just don't know what that decision is? He's never chased me when I've walkee away (for 5hrs..lol) so, what does that say? any advice?
 
 

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Together 8 years... he won't marry me... what do you think? shantisunshine Getting Married 5 28th December 2005 3:02 PM
after 18 years, should i go back to marry him? melissak Second Chances 2 27th May 2005 6:51 PM
should I marry this girl 7 years older than me... Iceman80 Getting Married 10 18th September 2004 12:50 AM
GF of 4 years broke up with me on Valentine's Day.....I'm devastated!!! Jamander23 Breaks and Breaking Up 2 25th February 2004 10:56 AM
Together 2 years, he cheated, he still wants to marry me. theaftermath Getting Married 7 13th October 2003 8:29 PM

 

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 7:49 AM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2013 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.