Socio-cultural differences. Should I be engaged?

[soydominique]

First time posting here. My brother likes this site and the audience seems to be mature so I wouldn't mind some input on this issue.

 

I am engaged. Knew my boyfriend in high school, but we were just friends. Fast-forward 7 years----> We bumped into each other at a bar and became friends again. After a year of friends, we began to go out. Then 8 months later, we got engaged. It was a discussion so I wasn't surprised.

 

I am a first generation Mexican-American. I am also bisexual. He is a heterosexual man--half German and half Mexican. He identifies as white. He also looks white. I do not.

 

The issue: recently he came out and honest told me he thinks people make too big a deal of race. He said that if he was black, he would still be a pharmacist. Considering I didn't get a summer job because I was not white and religious recently (my friend got in an confirmed this--as did the non-white PhD students that didn't get in either) I was upset. I tried to explain to him that there are social issues in place that he may not notice because he hasn't had to go through them. I asked him to imagine that he were black. The white person and black person might be running the same race, but one may have more hurdles to tackle. It's tiring.

 

He still disagreed. He said it would be up to them mentally to rise to the occasion in that case.

 

Of course, I brought up the cases of the teen black boys who were shot. He responded by saying that the news gets a whiff of a crazy racist and then people assume they're everywhere.

 

We were at a standstill for a while. After a day of cooling off, he said he would try to understand my point of view in the future since I was upset.

 

Another issue: this summer, we were taking a hike and he said something like, "I forget that you're bi sometimes." I said, "I don't." He said, "Why? Are you thinking of girls all the time?" I said, "Do you forget that you're straight?"

He seemed to understand instantly. Honestly, he's sheltered and naive so I am trying to be patient--especially since I said I would spend my life with him.

 

Yesterday we were driving and I told him I hated when he said "no homo" because it carries the assumption that being queer is in anyway negative. He said he does it only as a joke, that he's not really homophobic. Then he said I am too easily offended.

 

Am I? These things we argue about--they're part of my identity. What will happen if we have children together. Will this blow over. I don't want to assume I can change him--nor do I really want him to change himself. I just want his empathy.

 

Wedding is in two years.

[Mr. Lucky]

How does someone who's bi successfully marry a straight man? As you told your BF, it's part of who you are. How do you turn that off?

 

Is is possible to get along even when you don't agree, most couples face that challenge. Success comes from respecting the other person's opinion, good communication skills and tolerance. You want to make sure you're modeling the behavior you're looking for...

 

Mr. Lucky

[taiko]

How does someone who's bi successfully marry a straight man? As you told your BF, it's part of who you are. How do you turn that off?

 

Is is possible to get along even when you don't agree, most couples face that challenge. Success comes from respecting the other person's opinion, good communication skills and tolerance. You want to make sure you're modeling the behavior you're looking for...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

The same way a straight person turns off all other people of the opposite sex when they commit to one person?

[Emilia]

I think you have to be in a relationship for longer than 8 months to make such a big decision. Being friends for years isn't the same as being lovers for years.

[Mr. Lucky]

The same way a straight person turns off all other people of the opposite sex when they commit to one person?

Understand your point but is it the same thing?

 

My interest is in female companionship and my spouse could theoretically meet most or all of those needs.

 

Were my interests elsewhere, that wouldn't be the case.

 

Not sure it's apples/apples but I'll defer to others with more experience...

 

Mr. Lucky

[luckymiata85]

People keep getting their culture and their skin tones mixed up. There is little to no discrimination on skin tone alone these days but much on culture that feeds it's self on misery and shame.

 

Race, religion, sex, sexual orientation, age, disability, pregnancy, national origin, weight, height, beauty, and socioeconomic status are all examples of discrimination that affect a person's ability to achieve their goals. Just because your fiance didn't have to jump over the racism hurdles, doesn't mean that he didn't have his own hurdles to jump over. Almost every person on this planet has hurdles to jump over, the difference between success and failure is determined by how willing you are to not let those hurdles stop you. As long as he acknowledges that race is a type of hurdle, I think you will be fine.

 

Lastly, he obviously loves you and accepts you for the bisexual latina that you are, that's why he wants to spend the rest of his life with you! So why do you get so upset when he says snarky little comments? What will end up happening is that he is going to be afraid to open his mouth in fear of offending you in some way, and that will ultimately tear the relationship apart. I am probably the only Jewish man in living in Harding county, and I don't mind when my wife pokes fun at my faith or my giant nose because we have great respect for each other. I make fun of her for being short and dark, and she doesn't mind either. Humor and RESPECT are vital in maintaining a long and healthy relationship, so go ahead and make fun of him for being half Mexican & half German

[angel.eyes]

You have to feel supported by your partner if you're planning to go the distance. Your guy seems to have a tin ear for experiences that are core to your identity. That in and of itself is fine, but he doesn't seem terribly interested in trying to understand things from your perspective.

 

I found myself in a similar situation with a past boyfriend although he was trying. I dumped him. At the time, I really debated whether I was making a mistake, since he was otherwise an amazing guy and treated me really well. Looking back, it was the right decision for me. You'll have to decide what works for you. No one can do that for you. Best.