I am a commitment phobe

[scott85]

Hi!

 

I am 29yr old and have only just come to the realization that I am a commitment phobe. My current partner and I are engaged to be married next March, and I am being the typical commitment phobe following all the signs and symptoms.

 

The realization came about after we got engaged and moved in together which I was all for and 100 percent commited to in the beginning. We have been in a relationship for 7mths, engaged after 3 and moved in around the 4th. I stopped having sexual feelings of all kinds towards my partner and in general with anyone after we moved in. If I could put a numerical value on how much I think about sex or being intimate at all it would be 0. I know it sounds harsh but I can only be honest.

 

It only became apparent when my fiancé suggested that this could of been the catalyst for my past relationships, and that some of my past relationships had a negative out come because of my commitment phobia. Which is true, most of my relationships have ended the same way and I always lose interest after a couple of months and then it goes down hill when things get serious.

 

My fiancé is naturally clingy, she said straight from the start and I took no notice of it, in fact I actually looked forward to seeing how clingy she is at that point of time. It wasn't until we got close to getting engaged, my phobia started kicking in. Her mum physically pushed me in a room with her father to ask for permission and then once I left the room everyone was staring, asking when I'm going to ask the question. The pressure of proposal was so much I ended up just giving her the ring like she asked but not how I wanted or pictured proposing to someone.

 

At this time my level of confusion, hesitation or anxiety about everything was still low but I started to get a little nervous. Fast forward a month and we have moved into a town house and still no intimacy. Wedding plans are happening and my level of anxiety is rising, arugments and pressure to be intimate increase daily. Work stress combined with pressure and stress at home have reached boiling point.

 

My fiancé booked a doctors appointment, I get two blood tests to check testosterone levels which come back fine, a week later the doctor puts me on Lexipro, an anti depressant used to decrease my thought patterns and hope that my "libido" returns. After a course of Lexipro he puts me on Cialis, a mild viagra, no results from that, my fiancé buys over the counter testosterone tablets. At this time I have seen two doctors and been on 3 different types of medication to fix my intimacy issues.

 

After no positive results, they suggest therapy. Fast forward two months and I've seen three different psychologist that specializes in sexual relationship matters. I reached my limit of talking, explaining the situation, arguing, noise in general and started to get negative and an overwhelming sensation of just wanting to be alone and by myself.

 

She then questioned my sexuality, and to tell you the truth, I heard it so much I started to question it myself. I reiterate, I love my fiancé but at this time, every attempt to get me help, I pull away, every wedding plan, I pull away more. I get more anxiety, fear, frustration and anger.

 

It wasn't until the psychologist that I am currently seeing now with my fiancé told me that I am suffering deeply from commitment phobia and have been for a long time due to my crappy child hood, I started to see it. The more research and reading about this subject I did, the more I understood about myself.

 

If I were to explain it to anyone it would be this, imagine yourself in a car thats driving but you are not in control. Every time a plan is made in your relationship the car drives faster, you want to put your hands on the wheel but you can't. You feel scared, anxious, all you want to do is get out of the car or make it slow down but you can't.

 

Currently we have put our wedding on hold, because I am unsure about getting married. My fiancé is frustrated and mentioned that if I wanted to stop the wedding she would split and find someone that will. To me that is fair enough, I feel terrible and it seems like my commitment phobia doesn't matter in her decision to get married.

 

I don't want to hurt her but I'm unsure on what to do. I feel trapped and I can't lift my phone up or go anywhere with out questions at the moment. Is it true that you can't put a commitment phobic person with a clingy person?

 

Is there anyone else that is the same or can offer any advice?.

 

I hope this makes sense

 

Kind Regards,

Scott

Edited August 10, 2014 by scott85

[Eivuwan]

I am so confused. Why would someone who is a commitment phobe get engaged with someone after only 3 months of dating?! And trying to marry after only 7 months?! Even non-commitment phobes don't rush things like that. Are you also picking the same types of women over and over that are not suitable for you because of some sort of unfulfilled need? Honestly, I think the issue is that you go through relationships too fast without really getting to know someone and so naturally you want to back out when push comes to shove. Slow down, reassess what you really want in a partner and see if the people you date actually fits the criteria. Just be gf and bf for a year or two and THEN think about marriage and engagement.

[Itspointless]

I am 29yr old and have only just come to the realization that I am a commitment phobe. My current partner and I are engaged to be married next March, and I am being the typical commitment phobe following all the signs and symptoms.

 

[...]

 

Fast forward two months and I've seen three different psychologist that specializes in sexual relationship matters. I reached my limit of talking, explaining the situation, arguing, noise in general and started to get negative and an overwhelming sensation of just wanting to be alone and by myself.

 

[...]

 

It wasn't until the psychologist that I am currently seeing now with my fiancé told me that I am suffering deeply from commitment phobia and have been for a long time due to my crappy child hood, I started to see it. The more research and reading about this subject I did, the more I understood about myself.

[...]

 

Currently we have put our wedding on hold, because I am unsure about getting married. My fiancé is frustrated and mentioned that if I wanted to stop the wedding she would split and find someone that will. To me that is fair enough, I feel terrible and it seems like my commitment phobia doesn't matter in her decision to get married.

 

I don't want to hurt her but I'm unsure on what to do. I feel trapped and I can't lift my phone up or go anywhere with out questions at the moment. Is it true that you can't put a commitment phobic person with a clingy person?

 

Is there anyone else that is the same or can offer any advice?.

I am not the same as I am a bit anxiously attached. I do have read a lot about these topics the last few months. If I read your story right, you finally have been pointed in the right direction. You have to search for a therapist that is specialized in attachment related issues.

 

The combination between an avoidant and an anxious person is particularly hard but as I understand not impossible. If it leads to happiness is hard to tell as usually a relation with a secure person leads to more happiness for both. Also changing to a more secure attachment is very difficult for avoidant people. I applaud you for not running away, but I do agree with Eivuwan that you both went really quick with everything. I also understand the frustration of your fiancé but reading how the proposal went I wonder what your fiancé finds more important, you or the supposed status?

 

On the net you can find some great articles by Stan Tatkin (Home | Stan Tatkin, PsyD | Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy) and Robert T Muller.

Edited August 10, 2014 by Itspointless