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Bothered by fiance's past


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Let me start this out by saying I'm with an amazing and sweet woman who I love very much and I look forward to marrying. We get along really well and have few problems but one of our biggest problems is me struggling with her past. This has gone on for quite some time now and it makes her feel absolutely horrible to the point of hating herself and crying which I do not like to see.

 

I want to keep this anonymous so I won't go too deep into detail. My fiance is a christian woman who is and always has been involved in the church. She has good morals and tries to live right the best she can. When she was younger she tried some sexual things with a boyfriend of hers out of curiosity and didn't like it but he was a very abusive person and started forcing her and threatening her to get her to keep doing these things. this went on for years and somehow she kept on ending up back with this person who treated her like crap. According to her it was because she didn't see a way out but she hated all of it, she hated the sexual things and being treated like crap but he just kept forcing her and she was terrified of him.

 

Later I came along and she had just decided to finally leave this person. Whenever I asked about the past or it came up, she made it sound like it was completely normal and she was happy with him but later she came out and told me everything and I can't help but feel like I don't know if she is being honest about things or just pretending like she already did with me. I can understand that it is hard to talk about but it still bothers me. The other thing is I can't seem to stop thinking about all the sexual things she has done with this guy and how it went on for years. I often wonder how can a person so strong in her faith live this way? How can a youth leader and sunday school teacher keep living that way? I see her and sometimes this is the only thing I can think of but it's even worse that it hurts her and brings up painful memories of her past. Is there something wrong with her to stay with an abusive guy for so long and how can I let this go?

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You need to get over it and accept she had a life before you. Did you think you were getting a virgin? And quit bugging her about it. You're the problem here.

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The fact that she stayed with him until you came along is an issue, IMO.

 

 

The concern is that she cannot stand on her own 2 feet. Love is to be given and received in freedom. How free is someone who cannot stand on his/her own 2 feet? Is it, then, really love or just some kind of desperation/addiction?

 

 

If she were in an abusive relationship, then she has some work to do on herself as to why she allowed herself to be in such a situation. This means looking at aspects of codependency and pursuing therapy.

 

 

Was she really in an abusive relationship that included her doing these sexual things? It's quite possible. This type of thing can happen in abusive relationships. How could she have done it if she didn't want to do so? That's why she needs therapy. Being in an abusive relationship can be like an addiction that supersedes even oneself and what might be apparent to one's own survival BECAUSE in a warped way it is through the abuser that the abusee survives. (I hope how I wrote that makes sense.)

 

 

Anyhow, I agree to an extent with the above poster that you are part of the problem, here. If she's crying about her past, could it be that you are shaming her? That's not good, if you are. My feeling is that you are, and how can you get the "truth" if that's what you're doing? Who wouldn't want to cover up to a degree when being shamed?

 

 

Maybe, even in this, she cannot stand on her own 2 feet to look you in the eye and tell you the past is the past, it's her past, it's private, and you should back the heck off.

 

 

Why should she have to feel ashamed and apologize?

 

 

What are you doing to make her feel like this?

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  • 4 weeks later...

What's past is past ... I see no profit for you in worrying over this.

What you need to do is talk to her, tell her how you feel, tell her about your worrying.

Tell her how often its the only thing you can think of and that you can't stop.

The only way you can get over this is with her help.

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The other thing is I can't seem to stop thinking about all the sexual things she has done with this guy and how it went on for years.

 

I think men very rarely manage to get past such sentiments. I would seriously reconsider whether you should be in a relationship with this woman.

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FredJones80
The fact that she stayed with him until you came along is an issue, IMO.

 

 

The concern is that she cannot stand on her own 2 feet. Love is to be given and received in freedom. How free is someone who cannot stand on his/her own 2 feet? Is it, then, really love or just some kind of desperation/addiction?

 

If you have no experience of this type of situation don't spout utter crap.

 

Woman regularly stay in abusive relationships out of fear and also through emotional abuse by their partner.

 

"this will be the last time" *cry* blah blah. etc.

 

Unless you've been in that situation or know someone who has it is hard to understand how these types of relationships keep a hold over the victim. Fear is the main one, retribution to oneself or other family members and part love, its hard to see the person you fall in love with can cause such pain and so giving them "just one more chance" is easy.

 

jasond777 your post seems confused about which is bothering you, is it 1) how could she stay in an abusive relationship or 2) the types of sexual things she did that you don't agree with?

 

I think they're two different issues but both related mainly to fear.

 

Its also possible she may have childhood issues, abusive parents, sexual abuse that kind of thing that keeps people in a holding pattern of seeking out abusive partners because it feels "normal" to them.

 

I think you need to more more clear what is actually bugging you.

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mikethemechanic

Think I understand what's happening your finance was with a bad boy and when the good times came to the end she sought out the guy whom she swore that she would never marry! The suggestion I'm making is that her motto is I've had my fun, desperately single and looking to settle down. why women abuse boring guys

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loversquarrel

Please say you are kidding.... She's been with ONE guy previous to you and it was a BF???? This is hardly a past so seriously stop complaining. It's not like the girl has slept around with random one night stands.

 

If you were in love with her, her minimalist past would not bother you. Maybe the possibility of her being victimized is what bother's you - and that is understandable.

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