Is this a reason to call off a wedding?

[conehead]

I'm supposed to marry my fiance in 4 months. But just a few days ago, he told me a huge secret. That he was married 6 years ago. It shocked me, as for the 2.5 years I've been with him, he told me he has never been married. I'm angry that he lied to me this whole time (he finally told me because he feel that I should at least know before we get married). And call me stupid traditional, but a part of my dream wedding was that we were each other's first. But now, I will always be the 'second wife'. I feel pissed off at him, and I feel like my dreams are shattered.

 

We just bought a house (though the mortgage is entirely under my name), and I've basically put in deposits in every single wedding vendor and already ordered my dress. A part of me is so angry that I can't see myself marrying him, and the other part of me is saying despite this one mistake he made in lieing to me, he did it because he was scared he'd lose me if he told me earlier. My fiance is a good person, and treats me really well. I love him and the thought of my life without him is so painful!! But I feel like my pride and my dignity as a person has been LOST. If I marry him, it's as if I am being unfair to myself? I feel like what he did is so wrong, or perhaps I am just overreacting? I don't know anymore.

Edited May 12, 2014 by conehead

[David87]

Yep you are overreacting. He told you that he was married before the wedding and that shows he really cares about you.

 

He was honest in the end that what matters. Who knows what was his reason to hide the fact that he was married before in the end he came clean.

 

I don't think it's worth to lose a person over an issue like this after all you said he is a great person in general.

[Trimmer]

Hold the phone a second. I feel like this thread and your "Possible to hide..." thread should maybe be combined - or at least cross-referenced - because in that thread, you state that he was still married during part of your relationship, and by combining that fact with the statement here that he didn't tell you this until a few days ago, we get to the following conclusion:

 

He engaged in his relationship with you, while he was still married, and never told you about it until 2-1/2 years after starting the relationship.

 

I think that's a pretty big deal. For me, it's not just that "he used to be married", it's that he was married while he was advancing his relationship with you, and never told you until now.

 

I think I'd have some kind of a problem with that.

[halfcrazed_i]

I do think that what you're feeling (and probably everything going around in your head in warp speed) is called for. I mean, here you are thinking that you know this guy pretty well -- then he drops the bomb on you (when he had 2.5 years to tell you about it). I mean, being married before is a pretty big deal.

 

HOWEVER...

 

I don't think that it's enough reason to break off your wedding with him. You guys will need to talk about this. Like, really talk about this. Why did he decide to keep this a big secret from you? And why did he even decide to keep it a secret?

 

He must have his reasons. And you just need to give him the chance to explain his side.

 

While I understand that you must be feeling totally blind-sided right now, get yourself together and try to think more objectively. Listen to his side with an open mind. And try not to be too judgmental about all this.

 

Remember, you love this guy. He's not the enemy.

[conehead]

Hold the phone a second. I feel like this thread and your "Possible to hide..." thread should maybe be combined - or at least cross-referenced - because in that thread, you state that he was still married during part of your relationship, and by combining that fact with the statement here that he didn't tell you this until a few days ago, we get to the following conclusion:

 

He engaged in his relationship with you, while he was still married, and never told you about it until 2-1/2 years after starting the relationship.

 

I think that's a pretty big deal. For me, it's not just that "he used to be married", it's that he was married while he was advancing his relationship with you, and never told you until now.

 

I think I'd have some kind of a problem with that.

 

 

Very difficult for me to admit to it but yes, your conclusion that you reached as underlined is in fact sadly true . They have been separated for the longest time and while he started to date me, but still, just the fact that he was still legally married. In my asian culture, that makes me a whore.

 

I feel like my dignity has been lost....sick to my stomach for the past few days.

[acrosstheuniverse]

I don't know if I could go ahead with a marriage after finding out my fiance had lied to me for two and a half years. A small lie from somebody you're in love with is painful, a lie this ENORMOUS is horrible, I mean he lied about his history, and in a way that will emotionally affect you (like you say, you'll always be the 'second wife' now). He probably only told you in the end because he knew that you'd see it on the marriage licence.

 

If he was scared it'd put you off him, he could have told you after the first few months of dating once he felt you'd had enough time to find out what kind of partner he could be without dismissing him based solely on his prior marriage. He could have told you before the engagement, so you could make a decision about marrying him in full knowledge of his history. He, instead, chose to wait until you'd agreed to marry him, told your friends and family (and from the sounds of it I can't imagine he didn't realise your parents were traditional), planned a wedding and then broke it to you, probably because he felt you'd feel it was too late to break it off.

 

It's up to you, OP. Do you think you can live with that level of betrayal? I disagree that it wasn't a big deal and it doesn't change who he is. This level of deception is a big deal and it says something about his character.

 

I'm guessing if it wasn't for losing face by telling everyone the wedding is off, and losing the deposit money, if you could just walk away without anyone ever noticing or any money being lost, that you would walk away? It's great that it's just your name on the house, btw. Why is that? Did he contribute but it was just in your name, or did you buy the house personally for you both to live in? At least you have some security there, and a place to live.

[Trimmer]

Very difficult for me to admit to it but yes, your conclusion that you reached as underlined is in fact sadly true . They have been separated for the longest time and while he started to date me, but still, just the fact that he was still legally married. In my asian culture, that makes me a whore.

 

I feel like my dignity has been lost....sick to my stomach for the past few days.

I feel strongly against what he did, but I want to make a very clear point here: I don't think this reflects upon YOU; I don't think it makes you a whore or a cheater or anything like it, and I weep for you that you end up feeling like it's your dignity that has been lost.

 

And I understand the cultural influence you've mentioned, but I just want to throw some support your way, and say that I firmly believe you are the victim of a lie here, and that doesn't reflect on you or your character or your dignity.

 

Now, from this point forward, what you decide will determine and reflect who you are, and I agree with the point implicit in acrosstheuniverse's post above: if the biggest argument for staying with him is the "lost face" you believe would occur if you break things off at this late date, that should really tell you something, shouldn't it?

 

You should get to decide without that perception of losing face. If it weren't for that, do you believe you would stay, or go? I wish you had supportive family around you that you could count on to be behind you, whatever your decision, so that you can make the right decision for you, not one based on external pressures.

 

In that imaginary world, what would your decision be, do you suppose?

[d0nnivain]

Can you postponne the wedding until you can come to terms with this revelation? Right now you are operating with a proverbial shot gun to your head -- the looming wedding date. That is no way to make a decision of this magnitude under such pressure.

 

If when you 1st started dating him if you had known he was divorced, would you have kept dating him? If you had known would you have accepted the proposal?

 

While it would be nice to be each others 1st (& only) Marriage, I think you are reacting more to the long on going lie then the underlying facts. If you'd had this info before now it might have been easier to digest. It also sort of begs the Q: what else is he potentially hiding?

[Emilia]

I've read your other thread OP. Do you feel you can trust someone that mislead you for so long on something so big?

[HappyLove]

How do you know he wasn't still living with his wife when you met? Are you supposed to suddenly believe everything he says? Do you know if he had children? This is a HUGE RED FLAG AND LIE! I think you should tell your family so you can get some support. Don't be ashamed. You did NOT do this he did! He is a LIAR! He made sure he had you trapped before he said anything! Made you feel secure. Made you think you were the first wife, was probably cheating on the first wife, bought a house with you, made sure all the deposits were in for the wedding BEFORE he told you. This man is a manipulative person. Don't just shrug this off. Your family are the people who want the absolute best for you! They are the ones you need to rely on so find someone you can talk to. I'm more concerned that you're so upset at not being the first wife more than you are upset about this HUGE lie! This is just the beginning and after you marry him and other things come out you can't say you didn't know. Where is his integrity and character?! This speaks volumes about him OP. But don't blame yourself for trusting him.

[dovegirl]

I would not marry someone who could lie to me about something like that for so long. That is not a small lie, it is a HUGE lie. I would never fully trust him again.

[central]

What else has he not told you or lied about? That would be a major concern, even if you can understand and get over this omission of relevant fact.

 

In your shoes, I would cancel the wedding, and ask him to repay you half of any expenses you've incurred so far.

[Tayla]

Thank you Trimmer for placing things in perspective. With that data being relayed, I would like to answer the OP' original Question: "Is this a reason to call off a wedding?"

Yes. Its a reason. So to there are reasons for him delaying the truth. Talk it out, come to terms with the future and make the best of what can be salvaged. I personally do not venture into a relation of such dedication with a person who with holds a vital fact. In my state there is no such Term as "separation", the law recognizes final dissolution (divorce) or one is still married. There is no "Legal Separation" on our court books. Yet people toss it around as a "common" pass to sustain another relation before the first one is dissolved.

[pink_sugar]

So when did this guy's divorce become final? But still, I agree, the fact that he never mentioned this in the 2.5 years you've been together is a big red flag. It would make me wonder if there is anything else he is hiding or will hide in the future. Neglecting to mention that "Oh by the way, I have been married before" after a few years of being together is an issue. How long was he married for anyways?

Edited May 12, 2014 by pink_sugar

[conehead]

Thanks everyone for all your comments, I really appreciate it, as I"m going through a tough time.

 

My gut tells me that I NEED to call of this wedding. If I go through with this wedding, I feel like I will be doing a major wrongdoing to myself, and I will lose all dignity as a person.

 

I talked to my close friend about this, and I asked her if she was in my position, whether she would tell her parents. She is also Asian descent. She said her parents are very liberal, definitely more liberal than mine, but that she can not see herself doing it, as it would KILL her parents. I am in a dilemma, where I need to tell my parents that the wedding is off, but I feel like I can not give them the real detailed reason why. My dad has health problems and high blood pressure, if I told him, it will KILL him. The thought of his baby daughter being with a married man the whole time will eat him up for the rest of his life .

[HappyLove]

Just tell them irreconcilable differences. You realized he's just not the one. If a secret like this would cause that much damage there's NO WAY I would go through with it. He seems very dishonest anyway.

 

I mean what happens if one day your all out to lunch and an old friend of his and his ex wife stops by the table & mentions her? No, if if would destroy my family, NO WAY!

 

Have you ever been married is a pretty common question when dating. Did you ever ask? From here on out this needs to be asked first date OP. Especially if it's this important!

Edited May 12, 2014 by HappyLove

[conehead]

Ofcourse I asked the question if he's ever been married since we first started dating. I actually don't recall if he ever said 'no' outright....but he said things like 'I never thought about marriage until now'....and later 'I never met anyone I ever wanted to marry until you'...he went around the question, very sneaky!

 

Yes, this truth will indeed DESTROY my parents, esp my dad. I love my family, more than than I love HIM.

[mrs rubble]

Ofcourse I asked the question if he's ever been married since we first started dating. I actually don't recall if he ever said 'no' outright....but he said things like 'I never thought about marriage until now'....and later 'I never met anyone I ever wanted to marry until you'...he went around the question, very sneaky!

 

Yes, this truth will indeed DESTROY my parents, esp my dad. I love my family, more than than I love HIM.

Just tell your parents you discovered he's dishonest.

[HappyLove]

Wow, that's horrible he did that to you! I think the only reason he told you was because of the license. He had no choice. I'd hate to find out later what else he's lying about! Who knows if he's hiding children! I'd have to hear it from the ex wife own mouth before I believed him about kids. Good luck OP!

[oldshirt]

Would you have dated him if you had known he was legally married at the time, even if he was separated?

 

 

Would you have dated him and developed the relationship had you known he was previously married but legally divorced?

 

 

If the answers are no then you wouldn't have been getting involved with him in the first place.

 

 

he intentionally misrepresented himself and defrauded you.

 

 

God only knows what else he has been misrepresenting to you.

 

 

This is a legitimate deal breaker. You are not overreacting.

[conehead]

My answer to your first question is absolutely 'NO'...to me, this is wrong.

 

My answer to your second question is probably a 'NO' as well, I can not say for sure, but most likely not.

 

Yes, I feel like I wasted 2.5 years of my life and my heart on him. I feel so PISSED OFF to say the least!

[pink_sugar]

I can understand your not wanting to date or pursue him if he's still legally married....it's still recent baggage and drama. However, I don't see an issue if he started dating you when he divorced and was up front and honest. Nothing wrong with dating someone who is divorced. Life happens. But yeah, he lied to you for so long and like another poster said, he's required to disclose previous marriages on the marriage license application...so he figured he'd better tell you....

[acrosstheuniverse]

Ofcourse I asked the question if he's ever been married since we first started dating. I actually don't recall if he ever said 'no' outright....but he said things like 'I never thought about marriage until now'....and later 'I never met anyone I ever wanted to marry until you'...he went around the question, very sneaky!

 

Yes, this truth will indeed DESTROY my parents, esp my dad. I love my family, more than than I love HIM.

 

It's not even going around the question, of course he 'thought about marriage', he probably was thinking about it quite deeply on the day that he stood at the altar and in the weeks/months leading up to that day!

 

Sounds like you know what to do, OP, you don't have to tell your family the reason reason if you don't want to. Just tell them that you've realised you're having second thoughts and you don't think you will be able to live with one another without driving each other crazy: paint it as, you'd rather duck out now with serious doubts, than have to cope with a miserable marriage or a divorce further down the line if you must.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this, I know it won't make you feel any better but if you ever want to feel a little less alone check the infidelity threads, and the other man/woman threads in those forum sections, and look at the people that spent many more than 2.5 years with somebody only to find out they were being lied to and made a fool of the entire time due to their partner's cheating or affair. It will take you some time to get over this, but remember that there will be other people out there for you and as marriage and remaining undivorced is so important to you, it's a blessing that you found out now rather than after your wedding day.

[oldshirt]

I realize there may be some cultural differences at play here. In the US there really is no shame in having a prior marriage and things like prior marriage and ex spouses etc are often just part of a normal conversation.

 

Hoever even if we are dealing with a more restrictive and conservative culture here, this case still involves intentional misrepresentation and deception. In fact he not only outright lied about being married, he had to put a lot of work and effort into covering it up.

 

There is a reason he went to all that effort. I don't know what that reason is but she is right to be disgusted and have serious reservations on moving forward with the relationship.

[d0nnivain]

conehead

 

 

If you would not have even dated him knowing he was divorced & the idea of him being divorced would "destroy" your father, I don't see how you can marry him. While I think both of those view points are a bit extreme, this is your life, not mine. No matter what I think, I know you can't start your marriage off on something that is so fundamentally wrong to you.