EverLastluv Posted March 19, 2014 Share Posted March 19, 2014 I'm 36 already married and devorced with one daughter. My fiance 34 yr lived with his ex for 9 years never married with a daughter. He now lives with his mom and I have my own place. I was introduced to him through family member, been together for a year now. He already gave me a ring. He said we can live together and saved. On the other hand I believe in marrage b4 living together. Its something that follow throught my family by religion. He also the same religion, but he said " when he marry" he wants to never haveing to devorce. He wants marriage life like his parents whom still together after many years. I'm not interested in his money! so I dont see the reason to live together first. He claims that he would save much more If we live together. His parents try to encourage him to marry b4 living together he dont want to. Im not talking about legal marriage, its only religious marriage. If you love someone enought to engage why the delay with marriage? Honesty I am not interested in Legal marriage cause devorce is not easy. I have no problem with us living together BUT marry me religiously first! Right now he spends 4 days in the week by my place and stays home 3days. Im already investing my time with him as if we living together. Every relationship have issues I am not going to start discussing issues. As of now I started to change my way of approch from reading a few treads here really helps a lot. I am now putting into action " speak with honey & sugar in your mouth" for my relationship to last longer reply. So far so good I need some openions on living together b4 marriage? does it matter if family members objects? should keep waiting him off until whenever? Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted March 19, 2014 Share Posted March 19, 2014 In my opinion, living together before marriage is no indicator of either its ensuing success or failure. Neither, for that matter, is marriage itself. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted March 19, 2014 Share Posted March 19, 2014 Have you set a wedding date? If not, why not? I don't blame you for being cautious given his history. Nine years living with an ex, plus a daughter...and he never married her? Do you know why? No one can tell you what is right. It's your life and your decision. Do not let him talk you into something you are not ready to do, no matter how much money he will save. (By the way, why does he think he will be able to save so much money? Is he paying his parents a lot of money to live with them?) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author EverLastluv Posted March 20, 2014 Author Share Posted March 20, 2014 Have you set a wedding date? If not, why not? I don't blame you for being cautious given his history. Nine years living with an ex, plus a daughter...and he never married her? Do you know why? No one can tell you what is right. It's your life and your decision. Do not let him talk you into something you are not ready to do, no matter how much money he will save. (By the way, why does he think he will be able to save so much money? Is he paying his parents a lot of money to live with them?) He gives his mom lots of money. The reason I did not det a date " he not sure" for marriage yet. Yet he wanted to live together. His moms encourage him to try moving in with me without marriage so that he stays committed to give her money whereas if I'm to be his wife that can't happen cause I can object. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 20, 2014 Share Posted March 20, 2014 My FI moved in about 4 months before our wedding because his lease was up. At that point it was unrealistic fro him to get his own place. I lived with other men & realized it wasn't going to lea to marriage. Once you & him set & date & he becomes sure about marriage you can revisit the issue of him moving in. If he moves in before he's sure he will never get over his "doubts". I put that in quotes because I don't see him having doubts. He is certain that he wants to string you alone without giving you a commitment. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author EverLastluv Posted March 20, 2014 Author Share Posted March 20, 2014 There is a long story behind why he did not marry his ex gf.... the funny part he told me was when he met her was during the summer time. The woman had 2 kids already never mentioned them while they were off to visit family for school break. He accepts when he founded out. Next whe she was pregnant for his child then she mentioned he would be the 3 baby daddy lol Link to post Share on other sites
Author EverLastluv Posted March 20, 2014 Author Share Posted March 20, 2014 My FI moved in about 4 months before our wedding because his lease was up. At that point it was unrealistic fro him to get his own place. I lived with other men & realized it wasn't going to lea to marriage. Once you & him set & date & he becomes sure about marriage you can revisit the issue of him moving in. If he moves in before he's sure he will never get over his "doubts". I put that in quotes because I don't see him having doubts. He is certain that he wants to string you alone without giving you a commitment. True, I feel the whole engagement thing was set up! For me to think " since I have a ring its okay to life together" its only a year and he already proposed. Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted March 20, 2014 Share Posted March 20, 2014 There is a long story behind why he did not marry his ex gf.... the funny part he told me was when he met her was during the summer time. The woman had 2 kids already never mentioned them while they were off to visit family for school break. He accepts when he founded out. Next whe she was pregnant for his child then she mentioned he would be the 3 baby daddy lol She sounds like a real class act. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tiger Lily Posted March 20, 2014 Share Posted March 20, 2014 He said we can live together and saved. On the other hand I believe in marrage b4 living together. Its something that follow throught my family by religion. He also the same religion... Im not talking about legal marriage, its only religious marriage. If you love someone enought to engage why the delay with marriage? Honesty I am not interested in Legal marriage cause devorce is not easy. I have no problem with us living together BUT marry me religiously first!... Right now he spends 4 days in the week by my place and stays home 3days. Im already investing my time with him as if we living together.... I need some openions on living together b4 marriage? does it matter if family members objects? should keep waiting him off until whenever? I think the religious reasons I'm familiar with (Christian) to not live together before marriage are really more about not having sex before marriage, because living together would probably be a temptation most people could not resist. So, if you're already having sex, there's not much logic to not living together, imo. My opinion (again, from a Christian perspective) is that you should not live together or have sex before marriage. And, I think there are statistics that say people who don't live together before marriage actually do last longer, though I think it's more of a correlation not causation thing. For example, most people who don't live together before marriage probably have strong faith, community in church and family, etc. (all contributors to a strong marriage). Also, in the US at least, the legal marriage is more important than the religious marriage. If you don't commit legally, you're often not allowed to pursue a religious marriage. Plus, there are many benefits for getting married legally. Don't know how it is where you are though. You asked about what family thinks about your arrangement. I think a couple should do what's right for them. Family is important, but it's ultimately what's right for you. Link to post Share on other sites
almond Posted March 20, 2014 Share Posted March 20, 2014 The reason I did not det a date " he not sure" for marriage yet. Yet he wanted to live together. If he's not sure if he wants to marry you, then why on Earth did he propose? Doesn't this render the proposal basically useless? Link to post Share on other sites
iris219 Posted March 20, 2014 Share Posted March 20, 2014 How long have you been together? Have you told him NO, absolutely no living together before marriage? That might make him decide what he really wants, even if it's not want you want. If I wanted marriage and was unsure that he did, I wouldn't move in with him until a date was set and we start planning the wedding. If you're not trying to have a big wedding, you could just go ahead and get married. If he's unwilling, you'll have to decide what you want out of this relationship, and if you want it to continue. Would you be happy dating but never getting married? Better to break up before he moves in than after, especially since you have a daughter at home. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author EverLastluv Posted March 20, 2014 Author Share Posted March 20, 2014 I think the religious reasons I'm familiar with (Christian) to not live together before marriage are really more about not having sex before marriage, because living together would probably be a temptation most people could not resist. So, if you're already having sex, there's not much logic to not living together, imo. My opinion (again, from a Christian perspective) is that you should not live together or have sex before marriage. And, I think there are statistics that say people who don't live together before marriage actually do last longer, though I think it's more of a correlation not causation thing. For example, most people who don't live together before marriage probably have strong faith, community in church and family, etc. (all contributors to a strong marriage). Also, in the US at least, the legal marriage is more important than the religious marriage. If you don't commit legally, you're often not allowed to pursue a religious marriage. Plus, there are many benefits for getting married legally. Don't know how it is where you are though. You asked about what family thinks about your arrangement. I think a couple should do what's right for them. Family is important, but it's ultimately what's right for you. We are Hindu religion. I strongly believe in marriage b4 living together as I was already married b4 n devorce. His intension to live together is based on saving and build stable environment b4 marriage. This is because he cannot do it on his own living with his parents. I dont feel right about this what if after spending all my time building and there is never time for marrige Link to post Share on other sites
Author EverLastluv Posted March 20, 2014 Author Share Posted March 20, 2014 If he's not sure if he wants to marry you, then why on Earth did he propose? Doesn't this render the proposal basically useless? I think he proposed with the intention of moving in with me without marriage. He knew from the starting that marriage comes first. Link to post Share on other sites
Author EverLastluv Posted March 20, 2014 Author Share Posted March 20, 2014 How long have you been together? Have you told him NO, absolutely no living together before marriage? That might make him decide what he really wants, even if it's not want you want. If I wanted marriage and was unsure that he did, I wouldn't move in with him until a date was set and we start planning the wedding. If you're not trying to have a big wedding, you could just go ahead and get married. If he's unwilling, you'll have to decide what you want out of this relationship, and if you want it to continue. Would you be happy dating but never getting married? Better to break up before he moves in than after, especially since you have a daughter at home. We been together exactly a year feb 14th. I told him that I disagree with living together. You are right Im not moving him in with me until he plan a date. I rather the relationship ends while dating rather that living together without marriage. Thanks for your reply 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author EverLastluv Posted March 20, 2014 Author Share Posted March 20, 2014 After my separation with my first relationship I been living alone for almost 8years. MY daughter was only 4years old. I was never lucky to find that special someone who even came close to proposed to me. The whole thing about marriage b4 living together kind of wearing off as I am getting older. sometimes I worry about how he feels in regards to wanting so much to live together now and Im refusing. What if he just get used to dating like we are right now for x amount of years without not wanting to live together. MY daughter thinks he is a wonderful person and I love him dearly. What if Im stuck living alone for ever I already lived 8years alone lol my daughter fater already lived with someone else without marriage and have 2 sons already. Im holding back from more kids until marriage! Im getting to that age where soon I wont want more kids Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted March 20, 2014 Share Posted March 20, 2014 It seems like he's trying to manipulate you into moving in together, so he gave you a ring. But the ring means nothing if he still hasn't decided whether or not he wants to marry you. It sounds like marriage before living together is very important to you, so I think you should stand firm. If you let him move in now, without that commitment (or at least a set date and wedding plans in motion) you could well be strung along for years. And you are very right that breaking up while dating is much easier than breaking up while living together! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
dragon_fly_7 Posted March 20, 2014 Share Posted March 20, 2014 OP, continue doing what you believe in and don't let him talk you in to moving together if you don't want that. Though I'm an atheist but would not move in with a man unless I were engaged at least and with a date set on. To simply cohabitate wouldn't seem so specifial to me and it's like pretending to be a wife figure when you're not. To me it's either ''Let's date and we can continue being in a relationship without moving in'' or ''Let's move in, I'm ready to propose now at this very moment'' but NOT an ''Let's move in and well it's to see how things so, you know so you can see my habits and wake up every morning with me''. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author EverLastluv Posted March 20, 2014 Author Share Posted March 20, 2014 It seems like he's trying to manipulate you into moving in together, so he gave you a ring. But the ring means nothing if he still hasn't decided whether or not he wants to marry you. It sounds like marriage before living together is very important to you, so I think you should stand firm. If you let him move in now, without that commitment (or at least a set date and wedding plans in motion) you could well be strung along for years. And you are very right that breaking up while dating is much easier than breaking up while living together! Thanks for the encouragment in keep holding on to what I believe. He probably want to strung me along for 9 years lol Link to post Share on other sites
Author EverLastluv Posted March 20, 2014 Author Share Posted March 20, 2014 OP, continue doing what you believe in and don't let him talk you in to moving together if you don't want that. Though I'm an atheist but would not move in with a man unless I were engaged at least and with a date set on. To simply cohabitate wouldn't seem so specifial to me and it's like pretending to be a wife figure when you're not. To me it's either ''Let's date and we can continue being in a relationship without moving in'' or ''Let's move in, I'm ready to propose now at this very moment'' but NOT an ''Let's move in and well it's to see how things so, you know so you can see my habits and wake up every morning with me''. You are right, pretending to be a wife is something is never going to happend.... I was once truly a wife and I know I can fulfill my duties so if he has doubts too bad for him He did propose, but i would continue saying Hell to the NO about living together. He already have an history with living in without marriage even have a daughter out of wedlock. Thanks for your kind thoughts. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author EverLastluv Posted March 20, 2014 Author Share Posted March 20, 2014 every weekend Im home cooking a storm spending time as if we are already living together. I dont see the big deal not wanted to tye the knot. I am realy thinking to start cutting back on the home welcome. Because he stays over my home, fri , sat, sun, mon, and some times tues. We sleep and wake up together cook , clean, and do laundry on weekends together. What else he wants? Its not like the both of us first time in relationsip. When I first met with his family, his mom used me a lot to pick her up, take her places and all that non sense. Since I start cutting her off thats when he stop talking about marriage. The probably looks for a woman that they can use and abuse, They looking the wrong way lol cause once you start abusing your privilage I start shutting down. Probably If my fiance dont get things in action soon I might start shutting down lol Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted March 21, 2014 Share Posted March 21, 2014 Question: If everything is working normally, and you've both experienced broken marriages (once bitten twice shy....?) - why do you want to bother getting married, anyway? If he's happy, and things are going ok - what's your problem? genuinely, I'd be interested to know why this is such a big deal for you.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted March 24, 2014 Share Posted March 24, 2014 We lived together a year before marriage and while I am all for cohabitation, statistics have actually shown that there are higher divorce rates for those living together before marriage. And having seen so many cohabits hem and haw over getting married for years, I think I wouldn't want to move in with someone until we were at least engaged with an active wedding date. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author EverLastluv Posted March 25, 2014 Author Share Posted March 25, 2014 Question: If everything is working normally, and you've both experienced broken marriages (once bitten twice shy....?) - why do you want to bother getting married, anyway? If he's happy, and things are going ok - what's your problem? genuinely, I'd be interested to know why this is such a big deal for you.... Im not in a rush to get married. He is surrounded me as if im already his wife. He wants to move in with me ... Im into marriage first b4 living together. He has a past of living with ex for many years without marriage that ended up with a total lost. My problem is im investing too much time with him so if he wants to take it to the other level he has to be ready for the responsibility. Marriage comes with responsibility! Right now he enjoying and having fun. He want to be free of responsibility so he goes home for a copupe days he cares less to look back. Probably when he moved in with with me, he might stay with me a few nights and find excuse to go home and spend time with family. Just the way he did with his past life. IN and Out of relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author EverLastluv Posted March 25, 2014 Author Share Posted March 25, 2014 We lived together a year before marriage and while I am all for cohabitation, statistics have actually shown that there are higher divorce rates for those living together before marriage. And having seen so many cohabits hem and haw over getting married for years, I think I wouldn't want to move in with someone until we were at least engaged with an active wedding date. Im strongly considering marriage before living together. As I know deep down in my heart he just looking to get away at my home for fun times and when he ready he would just pick up and go home and come back. So the life he wants to live he would not get! The saying is GOOD things dont last long! so lets see how long he plans to be engaged to me while going back and forth to mama house 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted March 26, 2014 Share Posted March 26, 2014 I can't quite believe I lived with a guy I wasn't prepared to marry. The circumstances were not great though and it was part of a bigger mess where I got played. My now-husband and I were engaged with wedding all booked before we lived together. I would thoroughly recommend that approach. We did pre-marital counselling before moving in together, we had a lot of practical and intimate conversations about various scenarios. We drafted the pre-nup and had prelim conversations with lawyers about wills. I saw the marriage as the single biggest decision I would make for the rest of my life. Bigger than children. Children is a larger commitment, in my mind, but one I know I would never go on to regret. So I wanted to be sure as sure can be that our marriage was the right choice, and *then* the moving in came. I really do recommend that approach. It was so 'clean' in that so much was taken account of upfront, and you only get to that point if you are both totally committed to the r'ship, which makes everything so much nicer and easier at the good bits, like living together and getting married. Not everyone (especially in the UK, ) is as assertive/practical as I was about the relationship, the order things happened in etc, but having been divorced once and also in a destructive relationship after that, I wasn't prepared to leave anything to chance or not address something through wanting to appear polite! 5 Link to post Share on other sites
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