Is love sometimes not enough?

[TintedChrome]

Let's try again. This is what I actually intended to post:

 

Yes, there is a specific situation that compels me to write this. I know I've always been a person who overanalyzes and rationalizes things, and end up doing what I want to do anyway. I’m stubborn and like to prove myself right. Here’s a thread about a situation similar to mine. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/transitioning/getting-married/305445-engaged-somone-who-not-pretty-me-7.html

 

There have been times in my past that my instinct has strongly urged me to take one course of action, even though that action would have been illogical, and had I taken it, life would have gone worse for me. Hence I feel I cannot trust my instinct.

 

What is the difference between settling and accepting reality?

 

Is it possible for a person to be logically or rationally the right partner for you, even if she’s not your conceptual model of a perfect mate? What do you do if there’s friendship and love and compatibility far above and beyond anything you’ve had before, but physical attraction falls short?

I’m 45. Never been married or had children. Still cling to a hope that I will. Hair is thinning. Would like to lose about 15 pounds. Depression sometimes drags me down. Nevertheless I’ve built a good life and career for myself. Lots of people would love to have what I have going for myself. What are the odds of me meeting a woman under 40 who’s values and goals and personality are compatible with mine, of similar ethnic background and is tall and slim (what I happen to be attracted to), and would want to marry and have a family with me? Pretty damn low I’d say.

 

Is a bird in the hand worth more than two in the bush?

 

Hope. The quintessential human delusion.

 

“Don’t ever settle. Don’t ever compromise. Wait for Miss Perfect. Your fantasy will come true.” That may good advice. It’s probably easy to follow when you’re 20, 25, or 30 years old. When you’re 35, 40, or 45, not so much.

 

When I ask my male friends who have happy marriages and families why they married their wives, none of them say “I knew as soon as we met she was the woman for me. It was love at first sight. Every day I love her more and more. I knew we’d be together forever.” I get answers like “It seemed like a good idea at the time.” “I don’t know.” “I didn’t think I’d meet anyone better.”

 

Is there a difference between loving someone because you need her, and needing someone because you love her? Is one bad and the other good?

 

I’ve never felt so conflicted before.

Edited March 20, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[TaraMaiden]

few points:

Love Hugh Jackman, think Benedict Cumberbatch is a hunk too, and I'm quite taken with Russel Crowe at times....

 

My H looks nothing like them. he has a slight paunch, a goatee beard, but otherwise relatively hairless, and isn't all that much taller than me - he doesn't break the 6' limit. quite energetic though - loves sports.

Intellectually extremely stimulating, challenging and never boring, but about as hopeless around the house as anyone ever could be.

My ex-H was 6' 4". built like a rugby player, hirsute and inactive. However, he was the DIY king and could rewire a Boeing 747 single-handed.

 

So really, any question of an 'ideal' flies out of the window, when there are other stimulating factors.

 

Secondly - if you know 'instinct' leads you down the wrong path (and i found mine does exactly the same) always, but always give yourself the opportunity to 'sleep on it'.

My H can think on his feet and is sharp and perceptive.

Me? Can't make a snap decision to save my life. Always need to cogitate for 24 hours.

Then - and ONLY then - do I know I can make an informed and usually accurate and balanced decision.

 

It's not a fault, it's a trait.

 

look after yourself, lose those pounds and be the guy you'd like to be.

then, the gal you'd like to meet may well sweep you off your feet.

 

I found love at 47 years of age, at a time when I thought that kind of thing had passed me by.

It's NEVER too late.

Just look for more qualities than you have listed, and take your time.

[lollipopspot]

Yes, there is a specific situation that compels me to write this...

 

Is it possible for a person to be logically or rationally the right partner for you, even if she’s not your conceptual model of a perfect mate? What do you do if there’s friendship and love and compatibility far above and beyond anything you’ve had before, but physical attraction falls short?

I’m 45. Never been married or had children. Still cling to a hope that I will. Hair is thinning. Would like to lose about 15 pounds. Depression sometimes drags me down. Nevertheless I’ve built a good life and career for myself. Lots of people would love to have what I have going for myself. What are the odds of me meeting a woman under 40 who’s values and goals and personality are compatible with mine, of similar ethnic background and is tall and slim (what I happen to be attracted to), and would want to marry and have a family with me? Pretty damn low I’d say...

 

When I ask my male friends who have happy marriages and families why they married their wives, none of them say “I knew as soon as we met she was the woman for me. It was love at first sight. Every day I love her more and more. I knew we’d be together forever.” I get answers like “It seemed like a good idea at the time.” “I don’t know.” “I didn’t think I’d meet anyone better.”

 

Is there a difference between loving someone because you need her, and needing someone because you love her? Is one bad and the other good?

 

so are you in a situation where you're dating someone, don't find them attractive but figure you probably can't do any better, and wonder if you should just go ahead and marry them so you can be married and have a family?

 

Your friends, when they answer in the way they do, are saying it casually. They didn't have the dissatisfaction that you do. That dissatisfaction is worth listening to. You're not into her enough to override the fact that she isn't perfect. Love doesn't require perfection.

 

Loving someone because you "need them" implies a kind of using them for your own purposes. And also, in your case, if someone better comes along who fits these "needs" better, what happens to the love?

 

I almost think you'd do better with a relationship that is more transparently based on using each other. Like, a younger, attractive woman who wants security and a more daddy/sugar daddy kind of relationship and is willing to give you a family.

[TaraMaiden]

I don't get where he's dating someone......?

 

[lollipopspot]

I questioned it because he mentions a "specific situation" (but no detail).

 

But my response would be the same, if he keeps finding or anticipates finding himself in that situation.

[TaraMaiden]

Oh, right..... I kinda missed that.... or glossed over it and stuck to the body of the post.... (not having a go.... just a different perspective!) But I see now what you mean.....

 

[pteromom]

What are the odds of me meeting a woman under 40 who’s values and goals and personality are compatible with mine, of similar ethnic background and is tall and slim (what I happen to be attracted to), and would want to marry and have a family with me? Pretty damn low I’d say.

 

How is your financial situation?

 

Since the physical is a top priority to you, you might want to focus on younger women. Because no matter what shape she's in, things are going to become unattractive as she ages. Happens to us all.

 

But in order to get young nice looking women, you need to get into top shape so you can attract them.

 

Also, since you have so many criteria, it is very important that you utilize every available channel to meet as many women as possible. Online dating, meet-ups/singles events, bars/clubs, speed dating, having friends set you up... you name it, you should be trying it. Realize that what you are seeking is rare - someone who looks a certain way and also has the same values and goals and background you do. Know upfront that it is going to take a lot of work and persistence to find her. Then go out and attack it.

 

If you aren't willing to put in the work for it, then you have to ask yourself how badly you really want it.

[preraph]

It all depends on how desperately you feel you need to have someone around all the time. If you're never happy when someone isn't under foot, then by all means settle so you'll have a companion. If you're alright alone (I am), then having the wrong person around is just a nuisance.

[Leigh 87]

Personally, I have no need for a live in companion, who I may or may not have sex with every once in a while.

 

 

 

 

I prefer to have some sexual chemistry and passion present.

 

 

 

I have felt this for all types of men irrespective of how they look.

[pink_sugar]

Yes, sometimes love isn't always enough. You can still love the person, but you aren't compatible sexually or you are drifting apart in other ways. A good example is if one lacks the motivation to achieve something, such as a decent career. Hurting finances can seriously strain a marriage. Yes, while you love the person, you also don't want to have to deal with these issues long term.

[atlg8r]

My personal opinion is that you should marry someone who embodies all the qualities you want in a partner and in the mother of your future children. You need to have some level of attraction, but the physical attraction is not what will sustain a long and happy marriage through all the ups and downs.

 

To be honest, my fiance is not the man I would have pictured myself with. But in getting to know him and seeing what a wonderful partner he makes for me, I have become MORE physically attracted to him over time. (This is not to say I ever found him UN-attractive, though. If you are flat out not attracted to someone at all, it probably won't work.)

 

I come from a Christian background, and I just read The Sacred Search last year about a more purposeful search for your future spouse. I think the principles in that book would be applicable even if you aren't necessarily religious. It's a very easy read.

[TintedChrome]

Miss B and I have known each other for about 6 years. We had some mutual friends. We started hanging around each other, and became good friends. Then we entered a FWB relationship. First such arrangement for both of us. My idea. The sex was pretty damn amazing actually. We spent a lot of time together including short trips and always got along But after a while I ended it. I wanted to date other women and didn't feel right having the FWB thing going at the same time. Fine. We still carried on being friends.

 

 

I had a brief relationship with Miss S, but we weren't compatible and it fizzled quickly. I was bummed out for a while but got over it. Meanwhile Miss B had completely vanished from my life. I was truly in a panic as to why. Turns out she had fallen in love with me, and seeing me with Miss S, however briefly, was too painful for her. I had no idea.

 

 

We did reconnect, and I suggested we have a real dating relationship. She agreed, although with some hesitation. That was two years ago.

 

 

What's happened in the last two years? Well when we're together everything goes great. We are truly best of friends and love spending time together and doing things for each other and on and on.

But, I've sort of kept in touch with Miss S. Occasional text or email exchanges, nothing more. I figure just because we broke up doesn't mean we have to hate each other. We don't see each other, she's just a friendly person to talk to sometimes. The chance of us reconnecting in any way is zero. I wouldn't want her back anyway.

Well, it's happened a couple of times that my cell phone buzzes when I'm with Miss B and when I say it was from the ex-gf she freaks and breaks up with me, but we miss each other and get back together later. But these interruptions in the relationship really do damage.

 

 

May I toss another skunk into the ballroom? Miss B was very overweight once, even before I met her. She's done a phenomenal job getting active and losing weight. She credits me for inspiring her to take up new activities. Well now it looks like she's wearing a suit of skin two sizes too large for her body.

There's even a Dr. Phil episode about something similar. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NBJdrVVqYp0

The raw politically incorrect truth is that's it's a turn-off. As much as I love the woman and feel so compatible with her, I also want to marry someone who looks good naked. I don't think that's an unreasonable desire.

 

 

I could easily pay for whatever surgery she might want or need. I haven't suggested this to her yet.

A while ago she gave a ride to a friend of hers who got some work at a cosmetic surgeon, and she got a quotation for some work. I didn't ask or suggest that she do this at all.

 

 

Anyway that's enough confession for now.