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About to get engaged but relationship is hell


Pinkpillow

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I'm new to this forum and would really appreciate some genuine advice as I'm hitting rock bottom...

Been with my BF for 4 years, living together full time for 2 years, and we are about to get engaged (we chose the ring and the surprise proposal is imminent). We've had a tough time through the years, split up once 2 years ago. Endless arguing and have even been through counselling in the last year. We always say we are best friends, we have built stronger relationship over time and he is there for me in all ways but when we disagree its so bad and neither of us cope well.

 

The main problems are:

 

1. I have gotten so angry with him in the last year or so that I have actually hit him and physically lashed out at him more times than I can recall. I KNOW THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE and the damage that's done to him, my own sanity and our relationship disgusts me. Please hear me when I say I know there r no excuses for this and I am desperate not to live my life like this.

 

2. He lies, conceals "stupid" things then admits its because wants to avoid confrontation and questioning. This happened from day 1 in our relationship. We split up because of all the lies and hiding things. Mainly (not exclusively) contact with female coworkers/friends that were "innocent" - so much so he has in the last year admitted that he was attracted to them and that he didn't tell me because he didn't want me to be suspicious, questioning etc. I'm fully aware and have told him so infinite times that his approach is not exactly feeds insecurity, suspicion etc. so many times we had this conversation in the past. I believe he doesn't do that anymore and have tried my damned hardest to forgive the past hurts -dealing with a liar is so wearing.

 

3. Number 2 would not be an issue apart from I know that every time he now starts a job it's as if automatically he is drawn to the cute females in his office - he doesn't say that much but I know from how he talks abt them, how he talks abt the job and his focus is on so and so, it's very subtle but I've come to know the signs. Then I ask oh what do they look like - they are all "brown hair and skinny" - his type completely and far from what I look like. He has a catalogue of ex and current work colleagues on his facebook etc that are this description (they all look the same). I can accept that he'll be attracted to other women but why should I put up with this and feel so insecure. Just last night we had a massive row about people at this new work, I said the team of people he keeps mentioning, turns out there is a women who is "brown hair and skinny" and who "yes is attractive". That was his second answer after he shouted at me first saying there was nothing, I kept asking him to list out more people then we said this. You can imagine the argument that followed. As I said, I'm not against him finding other women attractive, I really believe in being open and just saying "yes there's a women at work who's quite nice looking, but you have nothing to worry about, you are my woman". We spoke about this in the past (because there have been other identical occasions) and he agreed with me.

 

Anyway that's a really long post but anyone willing to offer some advice I'd appreciate it. I sat up all night crying and unsure what to do, I promised myself I can't live like this anymore. Thinking it isn't the best for me or him or the future and I know it's not suddenly going to become different when we get engaged, I don't want a failed engagement. I don't really have anyone I can talk to properly so very grateful for thoughts.

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If you use engaged + relationship + hell all together in a sentence, then you're doing it wrong.

 

You're obviously not happy, why are you torturing yourself?

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Philosoraptor

Why get engaged when you are so unhappy? You clearly see that the two of you have severe issues that have caused the incompatibilities in your life. Instead of taking another step together you should be taking a step apart and finding people that you are happy with, not a relationship that you find to be insufferable.

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Getting engaged will only compound the problem and what worries me is that you may both even sleepwalk in to getting married, which would be a genuine tragedy.

 

Take some time out, be apart.

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Thanks for your responses.

 

Silly_Girl - yes it's what I really fear, sleepwalking is a good way to describe it. I feel like decisions aren't really my own. When we we fight, we says I forgive you, I'll never leave you. Sometimes I think, but I want to leave you. Always feels like he wants to keep things up rather than really solve anything.

 

Easier said than done to take some time apart then, because we live in my place, I can't go anywhere. He says he doesn't want to leave. I feel like I'd be a cruel person to 'throw him out'

 

Philosoraptor - it's insufferable in parts then other parts I feel a lot of love for him, and do feel loved by him. just it seems like we get no better in working out the problems ...perhaps I'm stupid for thinking we can

 

Mammasita - yes feels like torture :(

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BOREDouttaMymind

lets put it to you this way. the hurt/pain/tears of ending this relationship will be a blessed thing compared to marrying him. trust me on this. you really need to contact me.

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I love being married. I HATED being engaged. It's a horrible period of time where everybody you love has an opinion about what you should do, & everybody he loves who you never met has an opposite opinion & there are tremendous financial pressures. Really it's awful.

 

 

I say that as someone who was in a stable, low drama relationship with no meaningful financial pressures.

 

 

Do not get engaged. You are never going to survive marriage. It's OK for your partner to look at other people of the opposite sex. Looking is no big deal. Acting . . . well that is a whole other ball game. Until you can be totally secure in the relationship & not blow up because somebody's head turned for a minute and be secure in telling your partner that somebody else is attractive -- not more attractive, not that you want to leave your partner, just kind of like hey I like that painting / sunset / sports car / attractive person & then have it be over -- DON'T get married. Marriage doesn't make you blind or stupid but if you get married thinking that your partner will stop looking, thinking or feeling, you are kidding yourself.

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I think it goes without saying - call off the engagement first. Why did both of you go ahead with all that despite everything that was going wrong with the R?

 

And then think, really think. What are the GOOD points of this R? Why are you putting up with all that? Is this really the R you want for the rest of your life? Is he willing to work on any of those issues? Are you?

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Stop obsessing about his women coworkers. Some of them are cute. So what? Does he not give you enough attention? Do you feel insecure about his feelings toward you?

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You're not ready to get married. Not by a long, long shot.

 

You first and foremost need to address your abusive behaviour. You say you know that hitting him is wrong. What steps have you taken to control your anger and violent tendencies? If a man were doing the same to a woman, can you imagine what the reaction would be? You're an abuser and it needs to stop immediately.

 

Second, it sounds to me that there are major jealousy, trust and insecurity issues. It is exhausting and downright annoying to be grilled about people your partner may or may not find attractive. I'm not necessarily saying he's an innocent angel, but your post reads as someone who is desperately insecure and interrogates their partner seeking affirmation and validation. That needs to come from within you. If he's doing things to cut you down and diminish your self-esteem, then you have no business being with him anyway.

 

It's so obvious you're not happy. Getting engaged is ludicrous.

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Call off the engagement and focus on your own mental health via individual counselling. You have to fix yourself first before you can build any kind of marriage.

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  • 1 month later...
MissMonicaC

I would definitely not get married right now. Not even engaged. You need time to pause, reflect. Step outside of the situation and be able to think about things clearly. Take some time to be "selfish" and think about your future, your wants, hopes and dreams ect. Seems like there is jealousy issues, and some things that need to be worked on without the stress of any higher commitment than day to day. Just my 2 cents

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EverLastluv

wow,You need time to figure out what you realy want. Forget about marriage or even engaged!

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This sounds very similar to my previous relationship. For whatever reason, that ex and I brought out the worst in each other.

 

Our fights never were physical with either of us hitting the other, but he would lock himself in a room and "ignore" me or I would get so angry I would break something. It was not like me at all and very unbecoming. I hated myself when I acted that way, but felt like I couldn't control it sometimes.

 

He was very flirtatious, and I was often insecure about women he would meet through work and want to "be friends with". I always felt like he was looking for a better option.

 

We were together off/on for 7 years and lived together twice. Both times I would also describe as "hell". I finally came to accept that this was not the man for me early in 2013. I moved into my own place and never looked back.

 

You have to reach the decision on your own, or you will be unsuccessful. But it sounds like this is not the right situation for either of you. As someone else said, if you consider your situation "hell", please do not commit to an engagement! At minimum, take more time to figure things out for yourself.

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Your youth and time is precious! Do not waste it on somebody who doesn't appreciate it, or makes you so misery!

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Then I ask oh what do they look like - they are all "brown hair and skinny" - his type completely and far from what I look like.

 

Two things I notice.

 

First, if you're not his type and he's continually throwing it in your face don't marry him. This guy has either already cheated on you, or would have already cheated on you if any of these girls had given him the time of day. This is just a nightmarish red flag for a relationship let alone a marriage.

 

Second-- if you're not his type what did he originally like about you?

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Easier said than done to take some time apart then, because we live in my place, I can't go anywhere. He says he doesn't want to leave. I feel like I'd be a cruel person to 'throw him out'

 

 

 

 

 

That's how I felt, but guess what? He really got it his way in the end.

 

 

Be good to yourself. It's okay to be 'selfish'.

 

 

He's a big boy, let him sort out his own living arrangements.

 

 

BTW, is everything in your name? Are you the one making sure the bills are paid at the end of the day, even when he's not pulling his weight?

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