to get engaged but not living together yet

[countryrider13]

So my bf and I aren't technically engaged yet. I have an inckling it will happen on xmas but not getting too excited about it since I don't want to let myself down. He's dropped hints like asking what size ring I wear. And since we don't live together, and recently due to our work schedules we haven't seen much of eachother, I cried when he had to go back home. He sat me down and said "don't cry hun cause you'll make me cry. I love you more than I could ever express and soon I'll be on one knee, holding your hand, asking you to marry me". Which of course made me cry more! lol. Then the other day, he missed seeing me on my birthday since it was so icy out and unsafe to drive. He said he's so sorry he couldn't be here but he'll completely make it up to me next year on my bd and that by then we'll be married.

 

We've talked about moving in together when the time was right. We want to find a new home for both of us to move into and he'd like to stay close to his job. Which means I'd be relocating. My job I can do anywhere so it's easier for me to relocate. I don't want to relocate until after the kids are out of school for the summer cause I don't want to transfer them in the middle of the year. And that gives us more time to search for what we want.

 

Have any of you been engaged without living together? Would you plan a wedding before you moved in together?

[Silly_Girl]

Have any of you been engaged without living together? Would you plan a wedding before you moved in together?

 

Now, I wouldn't move in with someone *until* we were engaged AND planning a wedding. Which is what we did.

 

We wanted the same things, love, marriage, home, family etc and weren't prepared to move in and risk things drifting as other stuff happened and meant our priorities changed.

 

We got engaged, booked the wedding, then he moved in with me, then we sold my place and moved to a house we bought together. The wedding was 3 months later. We're very happy we did it that way, it was definitely the right way for us.

[d0nnivain]

DH & I did not live together when he proposed. We planned the whole wedding. About 3 months before our wedding day, he moved in to my house (I owned; he rented) because his lease was up.

 

 

If you have had enough overnights or traveled together you know enough about each other's habits to determine compatibility. Living together as a test drive is a crock.

[oldshirt]

We did not even consider or discuss living together prior to the wedding. In the months before the wedding we found a nice rental house which I moved in to. Then she moved out of her apt, gave me her furniture and she moved in with her folks to save up some $$$$.

 

She stayed at my house quite a bit and had a lot of her stuff moved in but we did not live together and neither one of us really wanted to.

 

I was 31 and she was 28 so it's not like we were 'kids.' We both had self-supporting jobs and were comfortable with being independent and having a level of freedom that neither of us were in any rush to give up.

[oldshirt]

Living together as a test drive is a crock.

 

 

I tend to believe that too. The test drive theory is basically living with someone so you can look for reasons not to marry them.

 

I don't have any moral/religious objections to living together. I just don't see any practical benefits if your goal is marriage and family. The benefits of cohabitation are very apparent if your goal is to NOT marry but no benifit if your goal is to marry.

[MissBee]

Now, I wouldn't move in with someone *until* we were engaged AND planning a wedding. Which is what we did.

We wanted the same things, love, marriage, home, family etc and weren't prepared to move in and risk things drifting as other stuff happened and meant our priorities changed.

 

We got engaged, booked the wedding, then he moved in with me, then we sold my place and moved to a house we bought together. The wedding was 3 months later. We're very happy we did it that way, it was definitely the right way for us.

 

Pretty much.

 

I don't really have any interest in living with a bf unless we're engaged and planning a wedding personally. As oldshirt said, it's the same for me as well, I don't have any religious or moral reasons for this, I simply do not see it as making much sense and in my own observation people who do this seem more likely to either never get married or it not work out than the opposite.

 

What SG described is most likely the track I would take in my own life. Living with a bf isn't par for the course for me. For some people it is, which seems crazy to me, like after a certain point in your R you move-in, I don't subscribe to that. For me, living with you is reserved for if I'm making a permanent commitment i.e. we're actually engaged and are getting married.

Edited December 24, 2013 by MissBee

[oldshirt]

Let me try to word this a little better. Cohabitation is an effective means of avoiding marriage or at least drastically postponing it.

 

People who use cohabitation as a stepping stone towards or as an "audition" for marriage are often left empty handed.

 

So too are the people who move into together under the guise of "let's see if we are comparable." Got news for us, if you are going "see" if your partner is going to irritate you or if you are going to look for reasons not to marry your partner, you ARE going to find them.

 

For people who's end goal are marriage and family, moving in together will at the very least delay that process. Not accelerate it like so many women seem to think it will.

 

Cohabitation is for people who do NOT wish to get marriage and do not want the social and legal commitments and responsibilities of marriage. For people wanting to avoid long term commitment and legal responsibilities it works exceedingly well and is almost a perfect vehicle for that.

 

For people who's end goal is marriage and family it is simply a delay as well as an intermediate audition process that more people are going to flunk than pass.

[oldshirt]

 

 

We've talked about moving in together when the time was right.

 

 

When the time is right depends on your goal. If your goal is to share living expenses, save some money and have sex while avoiding any commitments, future plans or any social and legal responsibilities to each other the the time is whenever you want. The timing doesn't matter.

 

If on the other hand your goal is marriage and a family then you need to secure the commitment prior to signing the lease.

 

Now this is where a lot of people screw up because they think commitments are words and promises and they take people's word for it. So what does a commitment to marry look like?

 

It looks like this -

 

-a proper proposal. A proper ring. A date set. Pastor, photographer, videographer, singer, organist, flourish etc all reserved and deposits paid. Church, reception hall, rehearsal dinner location etc all reserved and deposits paid. Honeymoon tickets and hotel reservations and deposits paid. And invitations sent out and travel plans for Aunt Beulah from Idaho made.

 

Words and promises mean virtually nothing. Anyone can say anything, but words have no intrinsic value. Actions mean everything.

 

Once a guy has jumped through all these hoops and he is still talking to you, there is a good chance he's serious and will follow through.

 

Like I said earlier, I have no moral or religious objections to cohabitation. I just see what works and what doesn't. Relying on someone's hints or even promises by word means nothing. What they hav demonstrated through their actions and where they've laid their money down means everything.

[oldshirt]

 

 

 

 

 

-a proper proposal. A proper ring. A date set. Pastor, photographer, videographer, singer, organist, flourish etc all reserved and deposits paid.

 

.

 

And just an FYI, this above is what the definition of engagement is. Untill those things have occurred, a couple is just dating.

 

Engagement is a commitment to marry. The commitment to marry has not occurred untill there is an accepted proposal, a ring, a date, a marriage licence and a legal official on retainer to conduct the wedding.

 

Untill then it's just dating and just words.

[oldshirt]

...and personally, I'd be willing to fudge a little on the ring if all the other things were in order but some courts and probably all grandmothers would disagree.

[Tayla]

Its an adult choice. For some its a logical course to move in and gather footing for their future. the commitment is there...whether under the same roof or not.

 

I wish you well in your choice, its not us posters who can decide your lifestyle. We can simply show support as you are going thru it.

[Lauriebell82]

Living together before engagement ONLY postpones marriage if one partner (usually the male) doesnt want to marry the other.

 

I lived with my husband for a year before he proposed. I dont think it would have been any different if we were engaged (except we planned a wedding, which was stressful!) Had I had my own apartment that year he STILL wouldnt have proposed until he did.

 

Anyway, personally I dont see a huge difference in living together engaged vs not engaged...if the intention is in fact on their being a future in the relationship.

Edited December 25, 2013 by Lauriebell82