Engagement-Family Drama! D:

[bambiraptor9]

So on Nov. 26 I got engaged to my beloved bf of 3.5 years. He proposed at work and I said yes.

 

My bf decided that we would spend Thanksgiving at his dad's house, in Arizona. I'd never met his dad nor his dad's side of the family so I thought it would be a wonderful idea. Since he proposed to me on Tuesday and we had to leave early Wednesday to make it out before Thanksgiving, we stayed at a hotel instead of coming home that evening. I called my family to announce my engagement.

 

Apparently that was a huge mistake.

 

No congratulations whatsoever, at least not right away. I got a gasp from my mom and "I don't know what to say" also. From my dad? I got a "Are you sure you want to do this?" and then "When are you getting married?" Later on I got a congrats from my brother, but the other congrats (from my sister, too) had to be...forced. After the fact. After the 20 questions game of the date, the rings, planning the wedding, etc.

 

I told them I was going to stay with my fiance in Arizona for Thanksgiving. Silence.

 

I shrugged it off and went on my merry way. I had a wonderful time with my fiance's family and I was sad to go. When we broke the news to them they squealed and hugged us and congratulated us, seemed happy.

 

Last night we got home. We finally bought some rings and exchanged them over a romantic dinner at a local Philippino place. :3

 

When I walk in the door, no greetings at all from anyone, everyone is staring numbly at the TV like always.

 

My parents greeted and hugged me and greeted my fiance. Then my dad gets all pissy with my fiance and has the nerve to say,

 

"You owe us big time. You owe us for taking my daughter on Thanksgiving and not coming home to tell us you were engaged to my daughter before you left."

 

All my fiance could stutter was "Okay." He was certainly not willing to confront him when he'd driven thousands of miles in a matter of days, much less putting up with traffic for hours.

 

Needless to say I was very upset, as was my fiance. While he left the room, I confronted my dad.

 

I instantly told him my fiance had just driven me 500 miles, got me home in one piece, and not a word of greeting or thanks was given. I told him he was being very disrespectful and I did not appreciate his behavior. I also mentioned I could have easily gone to Vegas and gotten married without their knowledge, but I had the decency to call them and tell them I was engaged and that I did call them on Thanksgiving after all. I said it wasn't Christmas, it was Thanksgiving...not nearly as big of a holiday.

 

He then hugged me and said something to the effect of, "But you're my daughter and I am happy for you."

 

Really? After everyone on the couch, lazing about and laughing at my new engagement ring and being out and out rude to my fiance? How is that happy? How is that welcoming a cherished daughter home?

 

I've never had much of a loving family. They've been there for me in the sense that I get a roof over my head and food in my mouth. But the emotional support just isn't there, it's all a sham. I've been verbally and emotionally abused by the ones who are supposed to love me the most. If I'm not being belittled or guilted, I'm being made fun of or controlled. My parents had the gall to tell me today how they wanted me to come to them and say that I was engaged, and to get married in their church, their way. It's my marriage! My life! They need to stop this...they are pushing me away.

 

My fiance unfortunately comes from a similar environment, an unsupportive and controlling one.

 

What do we do? I love my man and I don't want to leave him, he's the best thing that's ever happened to me in terms of growth. I've grown up so much...and I want to share my life with him always. I hate this family drama and I wish my family would just butt out.

 

Any advice is welcome.

[Solcita2]

Oh my... you have no idea how much I understand you...

 

I understand everybody's reaction here... I do believe it was a mistake to tell them about your engagement over the phone, because it gives the impression you don't give a sh*t about them... so they ignoring you is a normal reaction after feeling left out by you and your F. The fact that you then left town without giving them the chance to greet you is also a mistake...

 

Sometimes people don't react the way we expect them to react... you got engaged, told them over the phone, didn't come home, and "to make things worse" you spent Thanksgiving in your F's family's house... so it's like you're already not part of your family.

 

Please, don't believe I'm taking their side... I'm going through the same thing with my own family... (background: I've been in a relationship for 5 years, we lived together for 3 years or so, then I moved to the other side of the world. We kept the relationship going, but from the moment I left my country my family stopped talking with my bf, they were so sure we were done... -this was a shock because they used to love him- and now I found out that they hate him now because somebody told them he was talking bad about them, which is completely false... soap opera like... anyway, he's coming next month to meet me here for 3 months and we're planning on getting married... without telling anyone until it's done... actually not many people know he's coming at all, after all they made us go through when I came here, we don't want any negativity around us...)

 

So, my advice right now is for your to calm down... don't let this get into you... do not ruin the memories of this beautiful moment in your life... don't let them do that... listen to them when they tell you about your wedding and what they expect, but let them very clear that you don't know the details yet... buuuut you and your F will agree on everything later on...

For them to be telling you what they want IS A GOOD SIGN, it means they want to be involved, THEY CARE... don't push them away... they don't know how to get closer to you, so try to understand.

 

Hope it all gets better!

[d0nnivain]

Congrats on the engagement.

 

It's like I told your FI. Loving or not, your dad had a vision for his daughter's engagement & that got screwed up. Your dad is hurt & mad. He's being immature about it which doesn't help but it's born of pain not malice.

 

My husband didn't ask my dad's permission either (& I'm older than you). Dad was hurt. My FI was smart enough to apologize. He took dad out for a beer & they talked. Dad was still sad that he didn't get to "give his blessing" in the way he envisioned but he felt more included.

 

Marriage is about blending families & compromise. You can tell your dad that his response to your news was hurtful but find a way to bring the guys together.

[bambiraptor9]

Oh my... you have no idea how much I understand you...

 

I understand everybody's reaction here... I do believe it was a mistake to tell them about your engagement over the phone, because it gives the impression you don't give a sh*t about them... so they ignoring you is a normal reaction after feeling left out by you and your F. The fact that you then left town without giving them the chance to greet you is also a mistake...

 

Sometimes people don't react the way we expect them to react... you got engaged, told them over the phone, didn't come home, and "to make things worse" you spent Thanksgiving in your F's family's house... so it's like you're already not part of your family.

 

Please, don't believe I'm taking their side... I'm going through the same thing with my own family... (background: I've been in a relationship for 5 years, we lived together for 3 years or so, then I moved to the other side of the world. We kept the relationship going, but from the moment I left my country my family stopped talking with my bf, they were so sure we were done... -this was a shock because they used to love him- and now I found out that they hate him now because somebody told them he was talking bad about them, which is completely false... soap opera like... anyway, he's coming next month to meet me here for 3 months and we're planning on getting married... without telling anyone until it's done... actually not many people know he's coming at all, after all they made us go through when I came here, we don't want any negativity around us...)

 

So, my advice right now is for your to calm down... don't let this get into you... do not ruin the memories of this beautiful moment in your life... don't let them do that... listen to them when they tell you about your wedding and what they expect, but let them very clear that you don't know the details yet... buuuut you and your F will agree on everything later on...

For them to be telling you what they want IS A GOOD SIGN, it means they want to be involved, THEY CARE... don't push them away... they don't know how to get closer to you, so try to understand.

 

Hope it all gets better!

 

Thank you for your insight.

[bambiraptor9]

Congrats on the engagement.

 

It's like I told your FI. Loving or not, your dad had a vision for his daughter's engagement & that got screwed up. Your dad is hurt & mad. He's being immature about it which doesn't help but it's born of pain not malice.

 

My husband didn't ask my dad's permission either (& I'm older than you). Dad was hurt. My FI was smart enough to apologize. He took dad out for a beer & they talked. Dad was still sad that he didn't get to "give his blessing" in the way he envisioned but he felt more included.

 

Marriage is about blending families & compromise. You can tell your dad that his response to your news was hurtful but find a way to bring the guys together.

 

I understand where you are coming from and I appreciate your responses (both to me and my fiance).

 

If my fiance apologizes, I'm not sure if it will matter much.

 

My family does not take kindly to any man/woman who wishes to be with me or my siblings. They love to grill the SO and make them feel small, because it's their M.O. My fiance has offered to take my folks out before and they seem to avoid these plans or have their own already made.

 

Still, my fiance should not feel afraid to come by my family's home. He does indeed need to be the bigger person here and he should attempt an apology. Both my family and my fiance are quite stubborn, though, so again I doubt an apology will change either party's view of the other. It's more of a principle at play than courtesy for courtesy's sake.

 

My father is definitely not a man that one can have a beer with and suddenly all will be right with the world. He holds onto grudges for years no matter how many apologies are given. He is ill tempered and not one to cross, no matter how minor the offense (shoelaces untied, unclean sink, etc.). Even if we were to follow through and do as he wishes, it wouldn't have changed their reactions at all, given their responses over the phone.

 

My family and my fiance's family (at least his grandmother, who is my fiance's caretaker and a female version of my father) are dysfunctional. Given that information, I don't think an apology will impact them in the slightest. It might give them fuel to attack my relationship further, for an apology is considered weakness. Yes he is hurt, yes he does have feelings, but his love is corrupted by years of guilt, anger and abuse.

 

An apology in a normal situation is the right thing to do. In this one? I don't know if it's worth the risk.