Hurt to the point of feeling nothing at all

[Atris]

Hi there

I never wrote on such forums before as I usually dont like to share my situations.. So this time, im so fed up and i have a huge wedding planned in front of me in 2 weeks and I feel humiliated and very very small.

 

Basically in a few words, this is not a "wedding crisis" , honestly, I was so happy to get wed, ive planned everything out, contained the stress levels, got all emotional while talking about it. I am/was super happy. looking forward to the happy faces of my friends and family since ages.

 

Two weeks left.

 

but what happened? Ive been with my boyfriend, my "three-nager" boyfriend of 35 years since 3 years, a respectful man, much intelligence and hard worker. nothing wrong except he is weak, a complete weak personality, he evades his responsibilities and blames others for his *** ups. but i didnt know it would get this far after we live together and share a life together.

 

He was a serious person to emotionally work on when I first met him, but I saw good in him and i worked hard to make him feel better about himself and more self-confident.

he gave me issues, yes, like every couple we worked hard on them/ the ex, the mother, the eventual silly girl here and there.

 

There was one girl i didnt like him talking to because apparently "she liked him" so he promised he wouldn't talk to her anymore.

then the moment came when I discovered hidden emails from her.

discovered they had long talks. He first told me that she was crazy and was having an email monologue with her self, yeah whatever. nice lie.

 

I was furious, hurt and ive decided to work on it anyways we both promised each other that I would work on my trust for him if he stops hiding emails from random females. Then again, why would you hide something if you have nothing to hide?

 

One month to the wedding:

 

Another female student of his that fortunately is not a b*tch and decided to run away and block him as soon as she figured out that he was hitting on her. She was horrified by his behaviour.

 

Ive felt he was feeling weird recently, ive even thought it was a pre-wedding stress so i consulted his family for help.

Days went by when the gut feeling was so intense , i looked at his emails. Which he said I could look at to be able to trust him more, so i took the opportunity.

 

You can only guess what i found. My husband to be flirting disgustingly with another woman. the conversation moved to emails i couldnt access: his work email.

This time using words like "business lunch" or "professional" only to cover his sorry ass.

in fact he used it to convince me that it was pure "work"..... his reply emails were 3 PAGES long.

he blamed it all on his student because she kept looking for him and then he even told me that he always spoke about me..

 

too bad that he printed out the emails and I read them ( the ones he wrote from work ) and there was stuff about me but somehow it felt like if it was randomly "pasted" there, some other stuff looked missing instead... strange.

 

he swore that the emails are authentic and he swore on our wedding that he didnt edit anything.

 

Would you believe him? I dont. I called the girl he talked too. ( yea im just like that )turns out he was chasing her and the emails he showed me where edited.

 

I called him and he admitted he edited them "just not to hurt me further". he swore he would be honest!

 

This is the second time he swears on our wedding and lies and the third lie he told me about these random women.

 

Two weeks, clock is ticking, everything is ready I am ashamed of myself.

What do I want to hear? I dont know.

He swore again that he wants to be with me and he loves me only. That he didnt mean to flirt, he was just to weak to ignore bla bla bla.

 

I am so hurt, my brain just doesnt even care about what he says. I am so hurt that im simply feeling sorry for MYSELF for being fooled.

 

Trick me once, shame on you.

Trick me twice, shame on ME.

 

Even if just "emotional" cheating, it still hurts, he has interest for these women and its horrible.

 

I want the wedding, ive worked so hard. Ive believed in it, ive believed in him.

 

please give me advice on how to make this person realize how horrible he is.

I have talked to him, so dont suggest that because ive spend hours and days and weeks consulting him and teaching him values.

 

Should I "cheat" too and make him feel bad about himself? turn things around to hurt him? what a sad game to play though..

[TigerCub]

Sorry you're hurt. I really am.

 

But.....

You say that you have spend a lot of time talking to him about this and teaching him what's wrong with his actions.

 

Do you want to be his wife or his mother?

 

You shouldn't have to teach your husband to be that it's not OK to flirt with other women, it's not ok to lie, it's not ok to have emotional affairs, or worse.

 

He swore on your wedding and it ended in lies - twice.

what does that tell you?

 

He says that he wants you. Yeah he wants to marry you, and have you there as the comfortable familiar thing, but he has also made it clear that he wants these weird/flirty cross the line relationships with other women too.

 

You want this wedding because you want it and you have invested so much time planning it, and so on.

 

But honestly, if you go through with it, chances are almost 100% that he will do this to you again - and by then you will say 'I can't get a divorce because I invested so much into the wedding and the marriage"

 

It obviously is up to you - but really, if this happens to you again after you get married, you have no one to blame but yourself, because you know what you're taking on and what you're walking into.

 

You shouldn't have to teach the man you want to marry how to be a decent person.

[whichwayisup]

Call off the wedding. This man is NOT husband material for so many reasons. He doesn't deserve you and he is major issues that are not going away. His words and promises mean absolutely nothing, his actions have shown you who he is and will continue to be.

 

Sorry that you're going through this, better to end it now rather than marry him and have to deal with this again and always wonder when he's going to have inappropriate friendships and bad boundries with women.

 

Don't worry about what anybody else is going to think. This is YOUR life and your family and friends get NO say in what you decide. You know what is best for you.

[Silly_Girl]

Why do you need to convince HIM of anything? You now know exactly what he's like - and what he is going to continue to be like.

 

All you can concern yourself with now is what you do. I sincerely hope you don't plan to marry him. I feel very strongly that to do so will see more lies and hurt. And you'll regret not getting out while you had your chance.

[seekingpeaceinlove]

Wow. I feel so bad that you're going through this just weeks before your wedding. I'm not sure what your status is at this point but I think you know deep in your heart that you cannot trust your fiance. There is no relationship is there is no trust.

 

Your man is 100% NOT trustworthy and he's proved it time and time again. He has gone as far as to hide, redirect and EDIT email in order to lie to you. He is chasing other women. He has not admitted to you on his own..he was CAUGHT by you.

 

Do not marry this man. I know how much this wedding means to you but a wedding is the start of a marriage. A marriage built on lies and distrust will crumble 100% of the time.

 

I hope you're ok and you're making the right decision for you. A wedding is for a day. A marriage is for life...or at least it should be. What do you choose for your LIFE?

[Mr. Lucky]

but what happened? Ive been with my boyfriend, my "three-nager" boyfriend of 35 years since 3 years, a respectful man, much intelligence and hard worker. nothing wrong except he is weak, a complete weak personality, he evades his responsibilities and blames others for his *** ups. but i didnt know it would get this far after we live together and share a life together.

Your post is rife with excuses and rationalizations for his behavior. And it would be one thing were they coming from him, but amazingly they're written by you.

 

By your count, you've caught him mid-cheat twice in 3 years. And based on your "occasional silly girl" comment, I'd guess there's been others.

 

And that makes him a "respectful man"? Hate to see your definition of disrespect !

 

You have one advantage over some soon-to-be-married folks. Unlike them, you know exactly what you're getting in to...

 

Mr. Lucky

[KatZee]

I truly hope you get out now. Yes, you've planned the wedding but you're still capable of calling it off. You still have time and a chance here to be free of this emotionally manipulative, lying, cheating and pathetic excuse for a "man."

 

Marry him and you will be bound. Tied legally and financially to this person. Divorce will be a burden and a heavy price to pay.

 

Godforbid you trap yourself further by getting pregnant by him. There is nothing redeeming about this person. He's a sneaky, secretive and highly deceptive individual and I don't know how he doesn't make your skin crawl. Reading this made me sick FOR you.

 

He's been playing you for a fool for God knows how long, marry him and you'll be an even bigger fool. He will cheat and lie and scheme his way through this entire marriage.

 

Are you really ready to be with this person for the rest of your life? Being lied to? Played? Marriage is forever. It's not a phase you go through. You deserve someone who respects you and treats you like an actual human being.

 

You cannot change him or help him. That has to come from HIM. That was the mistake you made 3 years ago. Thinking you could fix what was broken inside him. You can't.

 

Save yourself the misery and heartbreak that will be your life and marriage. One week to go. What's it going to be?