Been together for almost 3 years, used to be sure but not anymore.

[Ralos]

I have been with my beautiful girlfriend for almost 3 years and we have been living together for 1.5 of those years. She is smart, funny, enjoys many of the same activities as I do and most importantly, she loves me for who I am. I asked her to come live with me while I was still going to college, not the greatest decision, but none the less she did and we stayed together up until now. I have recently graduated and got a great job that requires me to not be home for a while for training and then travel a lot thereafter. For a while there I knew for sure she was the one. Our personalities match very well, whenever we do get into arguments we are pretty fair and are capable of resolving things without getting angry or violent, my family loves her, and her family holds me in very high regard just as I do them.

 

For a while when we first started living together her parents were going through serious financial issues and could not afford to pay for her college and due to some unfortunate credit issues she could not secure reasonable loans, so I racked my brain thinking of ways to overcome these problems and mentioned to her as a last resort that if we got married we could file for financial aid outside of parent dependency and get enough help to put us both through school without resorting to ridiculous loans. We mutually agreed that this was not a good idea due to the fact that marrying for those reasons would probably not end well.

 

Here's the problem, I planted the seed of marriage in her mind and she went crazy about it and I am not ready

 

Here are my reasons for not wanting to get married yet:

 

1. I think she's using the wedding to fill a void in her life left by trouble with her family and the absence of a relative. It's something to keep her occupied and she was also using it as a distraction from her dissatisfaction with her current job. She would spend hours each day browsing website for dresses, rings, color schemes and other wedding related things.

 

2. Most of her friends are now starting to get engaged. I think she is comparing herself to these other couples. At 22 and 23 I think we are still very young and that there is no rush.

 

3. My girlfriend wants the biggest and best ring, and to her that means A LOT of money at a designer jeweler. I can’t afford that and I don't think it should be her primary focus if she wants to get married for the right reasons.

 

4. I am not financially ready to get married. I have college loans to pay back. And have an impending burden to carry from a permanently ill relative.

 

5. I am professionally secure but I still want to go back to graduate school and earn an advanced degree so that means possible relocation on top of not being home for a significant portion of the year.

 

6. She hasn't finished university and it is important to me for her to have her own life and career goals and I am afraid that she will drop those as soon as she gets a ring on her finger. I don't want a stagnant stay at home wife. Some time has passed and her parents’ financial dilemma was solved and they are now capable of helping her with her studies.

 

We were able to deal with items 1 and 2 after several months of talking about it. Item 3 we have not been able to agree upon and items 4 and 5 are in the near future. She is actively working on item 6 but I still hold the fear that she might drop those things if I were to propose.

 

Unfortunately, I am now regretting having not had "the college experience" and am finding myself with the desire to explore. This has been compounded with her not having had a social life for most of our relationship and being almost entirely dependent on me and my circle of friends, leading to me not having had an adequate amount of personal time. Everyone needs a break occasionally and I don't feel that I have had one for 1.5 years. Probably my own fault for asking her to move in.

 

I know she loves me for who I am, and she is a perfect match for me (I can deal with her lack of friends having been a bit of a loner for most of my life) I want her to be the one, but before I take that final step I need to have a break and look around. I know that if I could have 6 months apart to fool around and get it out of my system, I will be ready for her. If not, I am afraid this urge will build up inside me and cause me to do something I will regret in the future. I am also not the jealous type so I do not expect fidelity during that time period nor will I be upset or hold a grudge if she were to explore as well.

 

How can I possibly make her understand this without ruining what we have and breaking her heart? Am I just being an A**Hole? How can this type of thing even be brought up? If you have experienced this please let me know how you handled it because I don't know what to do.

Edited August 26, 2013 by Ralos
Grammar, Clarity.

[Grumpybutfun]

Ralos:

You have written down some compelling reasons for not getting married quite yet, and they are all very valid. Marriage is a lifetime commitment and if you are not absolutely sure, you need to sit down with her and tell her what your concerns are. 22-23 are very young to get married, but they are irrelevant if you are ready and willing to commit. Since it sounds as though you have much holding you back, the best thing to do is to communicate with her what you are feeling. It is better to hurt her feelings now than to go into something that you find untenable. A ring does not a marriage make, and marrying for financial reasons is just as superficial. As far as getting it out of your system, that is something you wouldn't need to do if she was really the "one."Marry for love when you are ready and you will feel confident and happy about your decision. Good luck,

Grumps

[Harlequin_Dog]

Hi OP! I think you have done a great job thinking out the "whys" behind your reluctance to marry.

 

However, for me it comes down to you saying that you want to fool around. You need to nicely let your GF go. Move out and be single. Chances are you won't come back to her either, so don't give her false hope. Just make a clean break. PS- try reading up on GIGS in the break up/dating area!

[kiss_andmakeup]

1. I think she's using the wedding to fill a void in her life left by trouble with her family and the absence of a relative. It's something to keep her occupied and she was also using it as a distraction from her dissatisfaction with her current job. She would spend hours each day browsing website for dresses, rings, color schemes and other wedding related things.

 

Definitely a bad sign, and certainly cause for concern.

 

2. Most of her friends are now starting to get engaged. I think she is comparing herself to these other couples. At 22 and 23 I think we are still very young and that there is no rush.

 

3. My girlfriend wants the biggest and best ring, and to her that means A LOT of money at a designer jeweler. I can’t afford that and I don't think it should be her primary focus if she wants to get married for the right reasons.

 

Also not good signs. It sounds like she is "ready" for marriage for the classically wrong reasons - the ring, the dress, the party. The "all my friends are doing it" aspect. She's ready to have a wedding, not necessarily to be a contributing partner in a marriage. And at 22, it's hard to fault her; she's simply immature.

 

4. I am not financially ready to get married. I have college loans to pay back. And have an impending burden to carry from a permanently ill relative.

 

5. I am professionally secure but I still want to go back to graduate school and earn an advanced degree so that means possible relocation on top of not being home for a significant portion of the year.

 

More good and perfectly understandable reasons. You are only 23...your primary focus right now should be your career and your education. There is loads of time for marriage and family a few years down the line.

 

6. She hasn't finished university and it is important to me for her to have her own life and career goals and I am afraid that she will drop those as soon as she gets a ring on her finger. I don't want a stagnant stay at home wife. Some time has passed and her parents’ financial dilemma was solved and they are now capable of helping her with her studies.

 

Is she in school now? Does she have goals? Is she after a particular career? If not, I'd say you're right to be concerned.

 

Unfortunately, I am now regretting having not had "the college experience" and am finding myself with the desire to explore. This has been compounded with her not having had a social life for most of our relationship and being almost entirely dependent on me and my circle of friends, leading to me not having had an adequate amount of personal time. Everyone needs a break occasionally and I don't feel that I have had one for 1.5 years. Probably my own fault for asking her to move in.

 

This is the biggest red flag to me, personally. And you are not a bad person for feeling this way...you are 23 and have spent pretty much your whole adult life in a serious relationship. Of course you feel that you "missed out." While most will tell you that their days of partying/dating/hook-ups were not all they're cracked up to be, it stands that many people (particularly men) who have never had these experiences lust after them. It's a matter of the unknown, the what could have been, what might have happened.

 

I know she loves me for who I am, and she is a perfect match for me (I can deal with her lack of friends having been a bit of a loner for most of my life) I want her to be the one, but before I take that final step I need to have a break and look around. I know that if I could have 6 months apart to fool around and get it out of my system, I will be ready for her. If not, I am afraid this urge will build up inside me and cause me to do something I will regret in the future. I am also not the jealous type so I do not expect fidelity during that time period nor will I be upset or hold a grudge if she were to explore as well.

 

How can I possibly make her understand this without ruining what we have and breaking her heart?

 

You can't. Her heart will be broken. But you have to accept that. Again, I don't think there is anything wrong with you having these urges...you are not a jerk or an *******. But you are both of those things if you stay with her while feeling this way, god forbid cheat on her.

 

You also can't expect her to just be cool with this "break" you feel you need, particularly as it serves primarily as an opportunity for you to boink some other girls. If I were in her shoes (and granted I'm a few years older and wiser, but still), and my boyfriend proposed that he needed a "break" during which he would see (and sleep with) other people, I'd be gone. As in permanently. To be honest, I don't know that many people with self-respect would be okay with that kind of request from someone they love, unless they too have some nagging urge to f*%k others. It doesn't really sound like your GF does.

 

Are you ready to accept all of this?

Edited August 28, 2013 by kiss_andmakeup

[Jangles524]

You don't give a **** about her anymore.

 

She loves you more than anything but all you're worried about is going out and banging other chicks. but at least you don't want to hurt her, right? LOL

 

Break up with her, no false hope. She at least deserves to be with someone who actually wants her.

 

If you weigh your value as a human based on how many women you put your dick in before your 30's then she can do a hell of a lot better than you.

[oldshirt]

 

Unfortunately, I am now regretting having not had "the college experience" and am finding myself with the desire to explore.

 

I want her to be the one, but before I take that final step I need to have a break and look around. I know that if I could have 6 months apart to fool around and get it out of my system, I will be ready for her.

 

 

Side bar note: you never get wanting to have freedom and the ability to explore and fool around 'out of your system." it IS the system. A part of you will always be looking outside the fence wonder if the grass is greener and wanting to graze in other pastures.

 

IMHO what is taking place here is the period of people's lives from when they graduate high school and are first experiencing freedom and when the graduate college and begin an independent adult life and career is a time of extremely rapid changes in their life. When you are starting down your chosen career path is when you are becoming an actual adult.

 

You got there first. you are rapidly becoming who you are soon going to be. She is still under construction.

 

She was probably a great weekend date down at the campus pub and to have run around with you and the fella's as you were marauding around campus back in the party days.

 

But you are entering real life now. and while a part of you may want to run around and bang other chicks, there is probably another part of you that is starting to look around and see what's out there as an actual life-partner.

 

And as a young man that has completed collage and is entering his career and is looking towards higher education and higher life goals, he is going to be looking for a life-partner with equal qualifications and equally high goals.

 

.... and as a young man with your qualifications, it is a buyers market and the market is going to be looking brighter and brighter for quite some time.

 

One of the cruel facts of life is a female's market value is at it's peak when she is about 19-24ish and then drops rapidly from either the time she starts to have kids or when she upper 20s-early 30s.

 

Conversely unless a guy is a high school/college jock or child celebrity or something, his market value doesn't really start to appreciate until he is in his mid 20s and then unless he gets real fat or turns into an alcoholic/druggie or bum, his value just continues to rise until upper 30s or so.

 

So bottom line here is you are simply outgrowing her and while she may have been a fine catch and you were the lucky dog 3 years ago. You are simply starting to outpace her and the market place is starting to look pretty good to you and stand a chance to make up a lot of ground that you were missing 3 years ago.

 

Sure go ahead and ask for the break. if you have read any of my posts you will see that, "I think we should take a break" directly translates into, "I want to date and screw other people but I want you available and to wait in case none of these other options actually pan out."

 

You aren't going to "get it out of your system." This IS the system. You will likely find someone more compatible with you while you are on the market.

 

She probably will in time too.

 

I know you didn't say that you would do this but you don't have the right to ask her to just sit on the shelf and wait for you.

 

Dating is an interview and tryout process to see if someone is "the one" that you want to marry and raise children with. You obviously aren't there yet or she is not the one.

 

You can continue to frustrate and rack both of your brains on this trying to figure out how to make this all painless and neat and tidy. Or you can make as clean a break as possible and not prolong the inevitable.

 

Admit she is a good person. Admit no one committed any fouls. And admit that just because someone is a good person, doesn't mean that they are the right person for you at this stage in your life.

[oldshirt]

You don't give a **** about her anymore.

 

She loves you more than anything but all you're worried about is going out and banging other chicks. but at least you don't want to hurt her, right? LOL

 

Break up with her, no false hope. She at least deserves to be with someone who actually wants her.

 

If you weigh your value as a human based on how many women you put your dick in before your 30's then she can do a hell of a lot better than you.

 

I think that is a little too harsh. He just said he was having feelings for wanting to explore and see what else was out there and to spread his wings a little (my words not his)

 

He hasn't given any indications of wanting to be a playa' or a man-slut or bang lots of chicks or anything like that. He's a 23 year old recent college grad with his whole life in front of him.

 

He has expressed appreciation and compassion for her and clearly doesn't want to hurt her unnecessarily. He's just not "all-in" with her. and probably won't ever be even though he may like to think he will some day.

 

I agree with you that in the long run it would probably be better to just tear the bandaid off quickly and be done with it rather than try to slowly peel it off over time.

 

But I don't think he should be flamed for having these kinds of feelings and conflicts at this stage of his life. Darn near everyone goes through this kind of thing at this stage of the game.

[Mittens]

Have to agree with oldshirt. At least he is being honest, and not doing the stupid thing I did at the same age, and marrying the person...

 

I got married at 21 for one of the age old stupidest reasons - I wanted to get away from my parents. I'd been in the relationship with my then boyfriend for nearly 3 years, and he was my first 'proper' relationship. Instead of having the guts and more importantly the motivation to get off my arse and build a life for myself, I did exactly what Ralos is scared his girlfriend might do - let it all drop to get married.

 

Of course less than a year into my marriage, I'm getting loads of attention from other guys, because I'm free of my parents suffocating influence. Because I'm a immature selfish 21 year old, I end up cheating on my husband, am divorced by 24....at least I had grown up enough by then to admit I'd made a mistake and ended it myself.

 

Not my finest hour. I get comfort from the fact that I didn't stiff my ex H in the settlement, and he's now got a house that is worth 10 times what we paid for it. But if I could go back in time, I wish I hadn't got married, just lived with him. Then, when like Ralos I realised I wanted to explore other options, it would have been far easier to end the relationship.

 

Falling out of love with someone at the age of 23 isn't unusual. Not admitting it, and giving the other person false hope would be.