Thinking about taking the plunge

[man_in_the_box]

I've never felt particularly strong about marriage. I know my partner would love to get married but she understands my take on it and respects it. So here we are approaching 5 years relationship.

 

It has been only recently that I've been wondering why I shouldn't just do it. Apparently were in it for the long run and I don't see anything else but her in my future. That's when I started to consider marriage as I obviously do not want her to feel as if she's missed out by not getting married.

 

Then again, while I don't have any particular beef with marriage per se, it's not something I desire. And I've always felt that that is an important aspect of marriage itself. That both partners really want to get married.

 

We've recently moved in together, were almost done (or in her case) or completely done with our studies. I'll be moving abroad for a couple of months soon. I know it would make her very happy if I'd do it but on the other hand I'm not sure if that's a valid reason to consider something as serious as marriage. On the other hand what we have is serious so why should that be a problem?

 

I've just written this down as a train of thoughts so please take that into account. I just don't have my perspectives of what I want, what I should do or what is really important all on the same line. And I'm trying to get there.

[Balzac]

Undergrad degree? Not begun career yet?

[man_in_the_box]

I'm about to finish my masters degree in chemical engineering (this year).

[Balzac]

Congrats! I guess your next decision is how you personally feel about prenup.

Some do / some don't. A chemE guy can set up that decision tree.

[man_in_the_box]

Congrats! I guess your next decision is how you personally feel about prenup.

Some do / some don't. A chemE guy can set up that decision tree.

 

Thanks, I’m only pondering this so I’m not that far yet. Also that is an aspect of marriage that isn’t a reason why I’ve never felt warm about it (contrarily to most non-marriage men).

 

I dunno. I feel like if its really important to her, and doesn't matter to you really then whats the harm? You want to be with her. You love her and want a future with her, isn't that what marriage is? It's not all that fantastical romantic crap. It's about committing to building a life together. Sure you can do that without getting married. But for her there may always be that lingering feeling that she wasn't good enough to marry, or that you could still be looking for something else, or that the life together will forever be a temporary state.

 

Yes, I’ve thought with myself that people might built up these feelings when their partner does not want to marry them. I’ve explained that it has nothing to do with her and that it’s my personal conviction but I’m not sure if she really understands (although she accepts it). I agree that there’s nothing standing in the way of getting married (we have our issues but have worked pretty well the last couple of years to work on them).

 

In the end I hope I do it because I absolutely want to. Just doing it to make her happy seems noble but on the other hand feels kind of wrong because there is no real spirit behind the decision.

[xxoo]

I'm married because that is how we formally build family in our culture. We would be no less in love and coupled if we weren't married, but we would be less respected as a family to each other by our families, the law, and society in general.

 

When you say you don't have a desire to marry, do you mean that you don't have a desire to legally be family to each other?

 

Think about it this way--if you ended up with a child in need, who you loved and wanted to raise, would you take the step to legally adopt? And if so, why?

[CherryT]

I've always said that having a family (to me) was way more important than having a wedding, rings and a title. I may be different from a lot of women out there, but I want the commitment more. I think it's because I've seen my parents really go through some tough times but they never loss their commitment or sight that they were better together than they were apart. To me, if my SO didn't want children it would be a deal breaker. But if my SO didn't want marriage but had the commitment and wanted that family too, I would be OK with that.

 

That being said, as time has gone on and I've been with my SO longer. I have seen him go through really great times and I've seen him go through really tough times... it has made me realize that there is no one else out there for me but him. How we work through our differences and work together to achieve our shared and individual goals... it just threw my perception of marriage and how daunting it was out the window. If your girlfriend loves you as much as I love my boyfriend, she would be honoured to be your wife. And with that, I actually now want marriage... (but I still don't want the big wedding).

[man_in_the_box]

I'm married because that is how we formally build family in our culture. We would be no less in love and coupled if we weren't married, but we would be less respected as a family to each other by our families, the law, and society in general.

 

When you say you don't have a desire to marry, do you mean that you don't have a desire to legally be family to each other?

 

I suppose you could say thats indeed not a reason why I would get married. Its not that I don't want to be legal family of her but it also is not enough of a reason for me to get married.

 

Perhaps it helps if I sketch a little situation to clearify what I mean: imagine if someone walked up to me and out of the blue asked me why I got married. I want to have an answer to that question which I really believe in and stand by. If I had to say I just did it to make my partner happy, I did it for legal status or some other reason that isn't something I really believe in it just would not be right. I understand that this a personal thing and people have different reasons why they want to get married. Its certainly something I need to get cleared up for myself.

 

Think about it this way--if you ended up with a child in need, who you loved and wanted to raise, would you take the step to legally adopt? And if so, why?

 

I would most certainly like to adopt kids at a later stage in my life though. This is actually a very good point you bring up here. It would be totally odd if an adopted child is legal family while my partner is not.

 

I've always said that having a family (to me) was way more important than having a wedding, rings and a title. I may be different from a lot of women out there, but I want the commitment more. I think it's because I've seen my parents really go through some tough times but they never loss their commitment or sight that they were better together than they were apart. To me, if my SO didn't want children it would be a deal breaker. But if my SO didn't want marriage but had the commitment and wanted that family too, I would be OK with that.

 

I agree (and my girlfriend as well) that the main essence isn't the wedding but the marriage itself. To be honest it absolutely baffles me why people are so obsessed with having a great wedding while not particularly understanding what marriage is and what responsibilities it brings along. I think both our parents have great marriages.

 

As for the children: my girlfriend does not want to have biological children. While I dont share that sentiment it also isn't a dealbreaker for me. We have though about adoption in the future (were both mid twenties and frankly too young in my opinion).

 

That being said, as time has gone on and I've been with my SO longer. I have seen him go through really great times and I've seen him go through really tough times... it has made me realize that there is no one else out there for me but him. How we work through our differences and work together to achieve our shared and individual goals... it just threw my perception of marriage and how daunting it was out the window. If your girlfriend loves you as much as I love my boyfriend, she would be honoured to be your wife. And with that, I actually now want marriage... (but I still don't want the big wedding).

 

Actually this is how I started feeling about our relationship the last two years. Im honest in that things weren't always as good as they are now. But we've come a long way and managed to resolve issues that used to drive a wedge between us that solidified our relationship. She is my first girlfriend and I understand that it takes time to figure out how things work in a relationship. I've only felt so positive about marriage since very recently hence my desire to look for answers for myself.

 

Thanks for all the repsonses. Most of what I post isn't that serious and more of a way for me to spend some time. But this is quite serious and I appreciate the input.

[Balzac]

PreNups exist to protect BOTH parties. It's not about men losing wealth. I'm well aware and supportive of women being the more successful and that includes earnings. In that case a caring partner would choose to protect her.

Many, many women come to marriage with vast wealth and accomplishments.

Prenups are not only about $$.

[man_in_the_box]

She's already done with her studies. Maybe she'll be earning as much or more than her future hubby. I love how you men always assume only a man has something to lose. What a joke.

 

Actually its likely she's going to earn more than me with her business economics.

[Balzac]

Good for her and embrace her talents and opportunity. Plan accordingly for household responsibilities. As research documents, most women assume vast time commitment to duties easily hired out. That's a discussion worth having prior to a marriage.