Engaged but I'm not Sure Anymore..

[Graceprettysmith]

Hey guys,

 

so I am in a major dump right now.. I have been with my fiance for about 6 years and we recently go engaged a couple months ago. I just don't know how to say this but I don't know if I feel the love anymore. He hardly ever calls me anymore, doesn't make legitimate plans even though we usually do spend time with each other and he never really says "i love you" anymore. To be honest, I don't feel any spark anymore.

 

I know that I am a very smart, fun, nice and attractive woman. I am only 25 yrs old and I always get attention wherever I go (not to be conceited). What I'm trying to say is I know that I can get with anyone else in this world, and I feel like he just doesn't care or really appreciate me or the relationship anymore...

 

I have also been noticing that I am attracted to others around me and sometimes I am even tempted to cheat because I just don't feel any love from my own fiance. I feel lonely and that's not a good feeling to have especially when you are in a long term relationship!

 

UGH please help. what do u do?

[Myab23]

I'm sorry to hear that you feel this way but it is totally normal considering your situation. Guys tend to get comfortable after a certain amount of years and basically just stop putting in the effort, well most guys anyway. They begin to take you for granted. You could be the hottest b on the planet. Just the way it is. My advice to you is to really figure out what is going on with you. Is it just his lack of attention and effort that is driving your feeling to cheat or is it that your feelings are fading for him? I mean you were 19 when you started dating this guy. You have changed a lot since being a teenager. Before you take the step of marriage you really need to sort out your feelings. It maybe that your not ready and want to date round a little. Your still so young, if your feeling this way about him now it may only get worse. Don't keep wasting your time with this guy if its just not there anymore. His lack of effort may show that hes just not that into it anymore either. Talk with him, let him know how yor feeling and see how he feels. Maybe it will shake things up and you guy can get back on track. But keep in mind that just because you've been together for so long and marriage is the obvious next step does not mean you have to do it.

[Brunettie]

Have you tried telling him how you feel? That you don't feel love from him?

He may have just gotten comfortable with how things are going and doesn't think he has to put forth as much effort as before (which is wrong)

 

Definitely let him know how you're feeling. He's not a mind reader. Communication is key.

[Graceprettysmith]

Actually...i have told him many times.. i feel like you're over it.. you dont show me the same love anymore..bla bla..and all he says is your crazy.. or fine if you feel that way leave me then...

 

i mean seriously?? I don't know..i feel like i would be throwing away 6 years of so many memories, friends, turmoil etc.. It's not easy but being in a relationship sucks too. i dont know anymore...

[Graceprettysmith]

Hey guys,

 

so I am in a major dump right now.. I have been with my fiance for about 6 years and we recently go engaged a couple months ago. I just don't know how to say this but I don't know if I feel the love anymore. He hardly ever calls me anymore, doesn't make legitimate plans even though we usually do spend time with each other and he never really says "i love you" anymore. To be honest, I don't feel any spark anymore.

 

I know that I am a very smart, fun, nice and attractive woman. I am only 25 yrs old and I always get attention wherever I go (not to be conceited). What I'm trying to say is I know that I can get with anyone else in this world, and I feel like he just doesn't care or really appreciate me or the relationship anymore...

 

I have also been noticing that I am attracted to others around me and sometimes I am even tempted to cheat because I just don't feel any love from my own fiance. I feel lonely and that's not a good feeling to have especially when you are in a long term relationship!

 

UGH please help. what do u do?

what you said really makes sense.. i know we are young and i know we were young when we got got together..i mean.. he was my first sex partner and only..yes i have hooked up in the past,,but never been with any other guy and never experienced other intimacy like that from another man...when we are together..he still is very sexually attracted and always the one making moves and still wants to have sex.. i know that once thats over somethings def. wrong... but even with that. i am so over it. i dont care to even be intimate with him anymore.. i dont like the fact that when we are together i exist..when we are not.. i have zerooooo calls..not to mention if he even picks up my calls.. i mean come one... this is a 6 yr relationship and we are engaged???!!! i am no in high school.. i feel so alone sometimes its crazy.

[Myab23]

Well, there is your answer. If you think being in a relationship sucks you are probably not in the right one. And if he is not willing to listen and give you what you need to be happy in your relationship why would you ever marry him!? If it is this difficult for you to be happy now, (being engaged should be one of the most exciting times in your relationship)

you are probably going to be miserable with him a few years down the road. Trust. If he is not willing to give you what you need it is time to re-evalute. Yes, you've been together 6 years and you have a lot of memories but your current happiness is more important. Don't continue to stay in a relationship that no longer gives you joy just because you feel like you've invested all this time in to it. Such a mistake.

[Graceprettysmith]

Well, there is your answer. If you think being in a relationship sucks you are probably not in the right one. And if he is not willing to listen and give you what you need to be happy in your relationship why would you ever marry him!? If it is this difficult for you to be happy now, (being engaged should be one of the most exciting times in your relationship)

you are probably going to be miserable with him a few years down the road. Trust. If he is not willing to give you what you need it is time to re-evalute. Yes, you've been together 6 years and you have a lot of memories but your current happiness is more important. Don't continue to stay in a relationship that no longer gives you joy just because you feel like you've invested all this time in to it. Such a mistake.

thank you... this all really helps but i am sure you know it is very tough..I need to really do some soul searching...i honestly feel like i am going to cheat if i continue to feel this way just to feel some void.. i know that is probably the worst thing to say or do but i cant take this anymore

[Silly_Girl]

thank you... this all really helps but i am sure you know it is very tough..I need to really do some soul searching...i honestly feel like i am going to cheat if i continue to feel this way just to feel some void.. i know that is probably the worst thing to say or do but i cant take this anymore

 

I don't understand. Why would you cheat? If this isn't the relationship for you, you leave? He's being open with you, you don't like the answers, so the ball is in your court to stay or go.

 

Why did you get engaged? I imagine this hasn't come on overnight. Did you hope it would improve things? I don't think you're being overbearing, what you expect sounds reasonable, but your fiancé just isn't invested in the same way

[Myab23]

Hi Grace. I actually have been where you are and am wondering if your issue maybe more similar to mine than it appears. Do you feel like you have lost your identity within this relationship? It sounds like outside of your relationship you don't have a lot going on in the way of your own friends and activities that you do without him. When you said "i dont like the fact that when we are together i exist..when we are not.. i have zerooooo calls", what did you mean exactly? Do you mean like you don't exist to him or to anyone?

 

I have been in a long term relationship and began to feel like I didn't have my sense of self anymore. I lost it somewhere along the way. My friends became our friends and I no longer did much without him. You know what happened? I started to feel this void. That I was missing out on life-that I already had missed out on so much life by being in this relationship. I began to get restless and think about cheating because needed validation and attention I guess. I would get angry with him and would tell him he made no effort and that he needed to step it up.

 

But in the end the issue wasn't with him. It was with ME. I had let myself get so dependent on him and our relationship was pretty much all i had going for me that I became insecure and unsure of myself.

 

You need to get yourself back, your confidence back, your life back! You can't being looking to external sources for validation and happiness. It needs to come from within. This was a lesson I had to learn and am still learning to this day. Cheating will not give you the spark that your looking for. Yea maybe for a short while it will be exciting but when it is over your issues will still be there.

 

Now, I don't know you and am just making assumptions from some of your words but could this possibly have something to do with it? I think your best bet is to re-connect with YOUR friends. Go out WITHOUT him. Do your own thing while maintaining your relationship. Don't let it be the only thing in your life because then you will start looking to him to solve all your problems which is just not fair to anyone.

 

I know once I started to get me back I stopped looking to my partner to fill every void I had. I became happier and stopped thinking that cheating would bring me the excitement I was looking for. I realized it was my dwindling confidence that was the culprit of my "void".

 

In none of your posts you said whether you still love him or not. This combined with the fact that you don't really have a desire to be intimate with him makes me think that maybe there is more to it then what I have stated above. This may be an issue within you, as well as him not really being that great of a partner anymore. If you do take steps to cultivate yourself outside of your relationship with him and still feel like something is seriously lacking in your relationship than it is time to take a step back. Because if you feel fulfilled within yourself but still feel like he's not meeting your needs than it is time to go. ****, by time were 30 most of the good guys will be taken so don't waste time with the wrong one.

[carhill]

UGH please help. what do u do?

 

Cancel the engagement and return the ring.

[Graceprettysmith]

I don't understand. Why would you cheat? If this isn't the relationship for you, you leave? He's being open with you, you don't like the answers, so the ball is in your court to stay or go.

 

Why did you get engaged? I imagine this hasn't come on overnight. Did you hope it would improve things? I don't think you're being overbearing, what you expect sounds reasonable, but your fiancé just isn't invested in the same way

wow...that actually hit me hard. When you said my fiance may not be invested the same way..as hard it is to admit.. that may in fact be very true! It's so tough being in a relationship that is a smiles one day then the very next day rage and tears. it's unhealthy and unfair. Just last night i was called a "stupid bit*h, idiot, jinx etc" the reason being because he was at the casino and I kept calling him and he said I am bad luck... this is drifting off topic but he also is a gambler.along with other problems i don't feel like getting into right now.

[Graceprettysmith]

Hi Grace. I actually have been where you are and am wondering if your issue maybe more similar to mine than it appears. Do you feel like you have lost your identity within this relationship? It sounds like outside of your relationship you don't have a lot going on in the way of your own friends and activities that you do without him. When you said "i dont like the fact that when we are together i exist..when we are not.. i have zerooooo calls", what did you mean exactly? Do you mean like you don't exist to him or to anyone?

 

I have been in a long term relationship and began to feel like I didn't have my sense of self anymore. I lost it somewhere along the way. My friends became our friends and I no longer did much without him. You know what happened? I started to feel this void. That I was missing out on life-that I already had missed out on so much life by being in this relationship. I began to get restless and think about cheating because needed validation and attention I guess. I would get angry with him and would tell him he made no effort and that he needed to step it up.

 

But in the end the issue wasn't with him. It was with ME. I had let myself get so dependent on him and our relationship was pretty much all i had going for me that I became insecure and unsure of myself.

 

You need to get yourself back, your confidence back, your life back! You can't being looking to external sources for validation and happiness. It needs to come from within. This was a lesson I had to learn and am still learning to this day. Cheating will not give you the spark that your looking for. Yea maybe for a short while it will be exciting but when it is over your issues will still be there.

 

Now, I don't know you and am just making assumptions from some of your words but could this possibly have something to do with it? I think your best bet is to re-connect with YOUR friends. Go out WITHOUT him. Do your own thing while maintaining your relationship. Don't let it be the only thing in your life because then you will start looking to him to solve all your problems which is just not fair to anyone.

 

I know once I started to get me back I stopped looking to my partner to fill every void I had. I became happier and stopped thinking that cheating would bring me the excitement I was looking for. I realized it was my dwindling confidence that was the culprit of my "void".

 

In none of your posts you said whether you still love him or not. This combined with the fact that you don't really have a desire to be intimate with him makes me think that maybe there is more to it then what I have stated above. This may be an issue within you, as well as him not really being that great of a partner anymore. If you do take steps to cultivate yourself outside of your relationship with him and still feel like something is seriously lacking in your relationship than it is time to take a step back. Because if you feel fulfilled within yourself but still feel like he's not meeting your needs than it is time to go. ****, by time were 30 most of the good guys will be taken so don't waste time with the wrong one.

thank you so much for this comment... to be honest almost everything you said is right.. i do feel like i have lost a lot of me, friend etc since i have been with him. I even stopped talking to my best friend for 10 years because of him. (long story) but i feel like i have lost a lot of myself and have sacrificed a lot for this stupid relationship. I have no respect and appreciation especially from everything I have done and it just pisses the hell out of me. I seriously feel unhappy all the time because of this, and I sometimes wonder why he even proposed to me because that just makes things even more difficult. Yes i feel unhappy but I am so scared of how I might feel if i cut him out of my life for good... maybe i just feel stuck with him , i dont know. I just think that after all this i decide to end it, i would feel like such an idiot because i sacrificed my life , friends, etc and now left with the short end of the stick. and everyone would have their "i told you so" attitude floating in their heads when they find out.

[Graceprettysmith]

Cancel the engagement and return the ring.

really? just like that... easier said than done.

[It's Just Me]

Agree with all the suggestions. And, there is NO WAY in hell that I would end up -- never mind STAY -- in a relationship with someone who calls me a stupid b*tch or anything disrespectful. Never. Someone once said (and I forget who): "We teach people how to treat us." Time to ponder that.

 

Any woman deserves far better than this, Grace. If a close friend came to you and told the same story you've told us, what would you tell her or do for her? Time to wake up and take care of your closest friend - YOU.

[carhill]

really? just like that... easier said than done.

Talk to anyone who's been through a divorce. Comparatively, canceling an engagement is a cakewalk. There's no law saying you can't get re-engaged at some future date. Good luck.

[Graceprettysmith]

i guess you are right.. this relationship stuff sucks.. i wish i knew before i invested 6 years.

[ForeverHopeful1]

I sometimes wonder why he even proposed to me

 

I wonder why you said yes. Why wouldn't he ask you to marry him?!?!?! You put up with him!!! Of course he would propose. That didn't mean you had to go and say yes. YOU HAVE A CHOICE!!!!!! Youre pretending you don't. STOP! I am guessing if he proposed in the last few months, these feelings you have aren't new. You could have said NO! I sometimes wonder why women say yes when being proposed to in situations where the relationship completely sucks.

 

Another thing.......................................................... for the love of Peter, why are you even bringing up cheating on him? DUMP HIM. Then bang whoever you want, date whoever you want... be single for a bit?!?!? Why was cheating even a thought in your mind? Would you honestly do that? Just end it.

 

Take cheating off the table right now. It is NOT an option. Move forward with that thought. Don't cheat. Dump him. Start over. Youre young and don't sound like a moron, so stop making silly choices. You aren't stuck. Stop pretending you are. By the sounds of things, you don't even live together, so there is no reason you cant end things and move on with very few strings attached. Any mutual friends you have will be friends with you both, or they will pick sides. That's the honest truth. Some people pick sides and that is when you learn who YOUR friends are. It is often for the better anyway. That is how things go. What's the problem? If you feel so strongly about not being in this relationship, what's holding you back? Unless you really do love him and you're tripping out right now hoping your feelings will change. The fact that your friends would say I told you so? Not a good excuse.

 

When I read your post, the only thing you have said that will keep you there is fear of admitting defeat and fear of your friends saying, "I told you so."

 

You CAN do this. Sometimes we just need a kick in the pants. So, bend over while I boot ya one! xoxoxox

[ForeverHopeful1]

i guess you are right.. this relationship stuff sucks.. i wish i knew before i invested 6 years.

 

Well, you know now. Don't invest another 6 years.

[Graceprettysmith]

I wonder why you said yes. Why wouldn't he ask you to marry him?!?!?! You put up with him!!! Of course he would propose. That didn't mean you had to go and say yes. YOU HAVE A CHOICE!!!!!! Youre pretending you don't. STOP! I am guessing if he proposed in the last few months, these feelings you have aren't new. You could have said NO! I sometimes wonder why women say yes when being proposed to in situations where the relationship completely sucks.

 

Another thing.......................................................... for the love of Peter, why are you even bringing up cheating on him? DUMP HIM. Then bang whoever you want, date whoever you want... be single for a bit?!?!? Why was cheating even a thought in your mind? Would you honestly do that? Just end it.

 

Take cheating off the table right now. It is NOT an option. Move forward with that thought. Don't cheat. Dump him. Start over. Youre young and don't sound like a moron, so stop making silly choices. You aren't stuck. Stop pretending you are. By the sounds of things, you don't even live together, so there is no reason you cant end things and move on with very few strings attached. Any mutual friends you have will be friends with you both, or they will pick sides. That's the honest truth. Some people pick sides and that is when you learn who YOUR friends are. It is often for the better anyway. That is how things go. What's the problem? If you feel so strongly about not being in this relationship, what's holding you back? Unless you really do love him and you're tripping out right now hoping your feelings will change. The fact that your friends would say I told you so? Not a good excuse.

 

When I read your post, the only thing you have said that will keep you there is fear of admitting defeat and fear of your friends saying, "I told you so."

 

You CAN do this. Sometimes we just need a kick in the pants. So, bend over while I boot ya one! xoxoxox

thanks!! i love the tough love and that is exactly what I need...I am still working on things.. we had a big BIG BIG convo. on Saturday.. and we both cried, yelled etc.. But now I think we kind of reached some breakthrough.. I know the whole cheating thing sounds bad but when i get angry in any situation.. i Just think of the worst possible thing to do to justify my feelings.. but it is still a work in progress.. nothing is 100% going to be fixed over night but in the meantime.. it's steady.. thanks again for you feedback, i really really appreciate it!

[Tiberius]

You should talk to him about how you feel. Maybe he did not realize. As for being tempted to cheat, as long as your looks dont go south you will have that temptation a lot. At some point you will have to decide if you want an exclusive relationship or if you want to sleep around.