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Boyfriend upset


Harlequin_Dog

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Harlequin_Dog

Hey guys- I'm on my phone, so excuse any spelling errors please!

 

So yesterday was my 10 month mark with my bf. We normally do something every month, but we're very low key. (Like, we will go out for ice cream or watch a movie.) Anyway, he was really low energy yesterday and really didn't seem interested in celebrating at all. I felt pretty blown off. But later in the night he perked up some and we went to get ice cream.

 

When we were out, I asked him if he had heard anything from our jeweler. We have been having a custom ring made, and it was originally supposed to be done in early-mid July. He got really defensive with me and we ended up having a bad disagreement. I just feel lost- we used to be much more open about talking about the future. I know some people may not be into discussing things like engagement rings with their SO; and that's fine! But we've never been like that.

 

I just don't really know what to say. I've tried to talk to him, but nothing seems to get through. He tells me there's nothing I can do. (Which is just confusing. I feel completely shut out, all because I just wanted to know if he'd heard from the jeweler. That's all.)

 

I'm probably leaving detail out, I'll type out more once I can get to a computer. Until then...help?

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Harlequin_Dog
Why don't you call the jeweler? If you two are so open about an engagement, are you asking BF for some reason?

 

The store asked one of us to be the main point of connection. So he took on that role. :) I would be very....apprehensive of calling now though. I wouldn't want to escalate the situation. But that would have been a good idea.

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I'd be hesitant to marry someone if I couldn't have a rational discussion about this or feel comfortable calling the jeweler. Perhaps he was very excited, but then the fact that it's only been 10 months has hit him, and he's pulling back.

 

Either way, I think you should pull back until you get to know him well enough to be able to broach this subject and not feel apprehensive.

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I just don't really know what to say. I've tried to talk to him, but nothing seems to get through. He tells me there's nothing I can do. (Which is just confusing. I feel completely shut out, all because I just wanted to know if he'd heard from the jeweler. That's all.)

 

I'm probably leaving detail out, I'll type out more once I can get to a computer. Until then...help?

 

One of two things is going on and it's inhibiting from full, honest and open conversation with you:

 

1) He's having money problems

 

2) He's having second thoughts about his commitment to you

 

Ask him which it is. Maybe you should stop counting months and count days. If he can just shut you out like turning off a light switch now, how do you think that marriage will improve that later?

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Harlequin_Dog

Sorry I was afk for a few days there. We worked out the issue the same day I posted, I just haven't gotten back around to posting.

 

And thank you for the replies! Let me do my best to respond.

@treasa- I agree that I want to always have open communication, and before any further commitment is taken, the issue must be remedied.

 

@lei ping- Both of us are very conscious spenders/savers. We both know where we stand, so I would never be worried about that.

 

As for the actual disagreement we had, I do actually get his reaction now. He though I was asking him to propose, or to give me a date/time when he would. Because the ring isn't done, he got frustrated and when I asked what I could do to help, he said 'nothing' because he thought it was in reference to the ring. I do shoulder a lot of the blame here, because I could have been much more clear in my communication with him.

 

He's also been under heavy stress at work, putting in 10+ hour days, so he hasn't really had much energy all around. Over the weekend we both just spent a lot of time catching up on some sleep and having fun, so everything is back to normal now.

 

We also agreed to sit down later this week to discuss our "disagreement styles." (It's an idea I came up with! I'm proud of this!) We're going to list out how we react when upset, and how we like to be approached, key words to use/watch out for, and how we each best like to be comforted, apologized to, and how we deal with negative emotions. This way we will have a better road map in the future if we have trouble communicating.

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Lauriebell82

Couple things...

 

So is your bf planning on a surprise proposal when the ring is done? It seems to me that he is anxious about proposing because I would think if you are already designing the ring then its just semantics that you are waiting on. For the record I dont think you said anything wrong. But I dont know your boyfriend, only you do.

 

Also, a great technique is called the talking stick. Say you and your boyfriend are having a disagreement. You hold "the stick" and tell him how you feel. He has to sit there and listen until you are done-he is not allowed to interrupt. Then he has to repeat what you said back to you IN YOUR WORDS. Then when you are satisfied with his response, the stick passes to him and he tells you how he feels and you repeat his words.

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