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Arrange Marriage or get disowned


TheInfamousCookie

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TheInfamousCookie

I am 20 years old and finishing up my education. I will be 21 by the time I graduate and after that, my parents will start arranging a marriage for me once I reach an age of 23. I know this is three years away, but it has eaten at me since I was almost 15. I do not agree with the idea of an arranged marriage. I have never believed in it. I don't believe you can see and get to know a person on one meeting, or even a few meetings. It takes time to get to know someone. I am also in a relationship with someone else, and I do love this man. I believe we could get married at some point, and even if we don't, I still would like to fall in love with someone and marry him.

 

My parents are firm believes in an arranged marriage and have threatened to disown me completely from the family if I do not abide by their wishes. My mom's exact words were "I will never talk to you again and neither will your father or your brother. You will no longer be a part of our family." There is no compromise on this issues, as they are quite traditional when it comes to these things. And I know that I will indeed, get disowned. They have never let me be in a relationship either, for fear, that I will get pregnant or tarnish their name in our society. They don't want to tarnish their reputation because of me.

 

I am fine with getting disowned. But I am scared of the feelings of hurt that will follow. I have always wanted to get away from home because of the constant nagging and berating I get from my mother. Don't get me wrong, she is loving, but she does lecture for hours on end and do what she can to make me see what I did wrong, which usually involves berating me and telling me what a horrible child I am. She compares me to my sibling, who is the golden child of the family. I have wanted to get away from home, and I have on many occasions simply walked out the door. I came back because I know I need to finish my education. I am halfway through that journey and I want to finish it before I leave my home. I plan on paying my father back for whatever tuition bills he is footing, but whether or not they will take that money once I am disowned is another question altogether. I plan on doing graduate studies and I want to pay for that by myself, even if I have to take out loans, as I no longer want to rely on my family.

 

I feel horrible for leaving, or getting disowned, after all they have done for me. But I can't stand to be forced into a marriage, let alone the constant yelling and lock and key that I am put under. I am not allowed to go anywhere and am instead told to stay at home and focus on my grades, even in the middle of summers. I am terrified of the pain and of their reactions. I wouldn't want my mother to get sick or end up in the hospital because of me. I don't know what to do. Please, help me.

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TheInfamousCookie
My point of view:

 

It's YOUR life. You are the one living it. Your parents aren't the one marrying anyone else, they aren't the ones living the life. I hate parents that are so involved. You won't be living with them, having their children etc.

 

I believe in love. I believe you have to love someone to have a truly fulfilling marriage and anyone in a marriage that isn't based on love has a terrible life and marriage.

 

Your parents aren't going to be with you forever. So what happens once they pass away? Or you move away? You will still be living the life they wanted..because it what? Brought some messed up sense of honor to your family name? So THEY can hold their heads high and say ya she married this guy with a good family name so that means we are great people. How freaking selfish!!!!

 

I'm lucky I don't live in a society where that were the norm. I'd run and never look back.

 

As for what your parents have done for you..well they are your parents should they have practiced better birth control or put you up for adoption or raised you? I hate parents that say "look what I did for you" ya..they decided to MAKE you, it was their choice and their responsibility to bring another human being into the world.

 

You will do ok without your parents. Millions of other people do. If they are ignorant and selfish to disown you for the way you want your life I don't think you would be losing out on very much, more like you lose out on the toxicity they invoke into your life.

 

Of course...I am from a western society..and shake my head at some customs..especially the arraigned marriage kind.

 

I agree with you. I know they have done A LOT for me. They have raised me healthy and kept me that way and made sure i get a good education. But that doesn't give them the right to make MY decisions for me. And if they are worried about what society will say, how can they trade their childs happiness for that? I know that I won't be happy with that marriage. It's not the right thing to do at all.

 

I'm so worried about what their reaction will be. I don't want her to end up in the hospital or try to follow me out to wherever I go and try to change my mind

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I have always been firmly against arranged marriage for the reasons you provided. In guessing divorce is frowned upon in your society too? I just read A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini (a great book btw) and am even more against arranged marriage. Some of the suffering those women are put through is just... Ugh.

 

It's your life. This is a life changing permanent decision. They have no right to force you into this. I'd be ashamed to call such people my parents. Parents are meant to want what's best for their children.

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It depends a lot on where the OP lives.

 

If it's the West, there is nothing her parents can do to make her marry.

And if her brother is truly treated often like the golden child, that's a horrible dynamic [look up golden child - scapegoat child dynamic OP].

 

If it's someplace like India, i would advise the OP to focus on school and eventually leave the country while postponing marriage as much as possible.

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To the OP-I'm guessing you're from India or some South Asian background. I don't know if you live in the West or back home.If you're in America (and your family is acting as if they're still in India), arranged marriages are illegal and you can report the pressure.

 

It sounds like your mom is using guilt which my mom did a lot too. If your mom is like mine, then she is just trying to scare you. There's no guarantee that she will end up in the hospital and there's no guarantee that she will truly disown you.

 

You say you're scared of their reactions. I get that, as I used to be like that too. It's not fun being yelled at, berated and made to feel like a bad daughter. At the end of the day, you can't be responsible for your parents' reactions. They're adults. The only way to feel happier is to no longer be scared of your parents' reactions. That's going to be hard to do, if you're so used to pleasing your parents.

 

I also was coerced into getting an arranged marriage and had an ad put behind my back on a website. Luckily, I was able to fight it. I was dating someone else at the time. But, I did it with a lot of yelling and guilt from my parents. My parents told me that my life would be screwed up if I don't listen to them. I went ahead and did my own thing.

 

Yes, your parents may continue to try and change your mind. At the end of the day, you're still in control. Try not to let their guilt and anger affect your decisions. If you do give in, you will regret it.

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It depends a lot on where the OP lives.

 

If it's the West, there is nothing her parents can do to make her marry.

And if her brother is truly treated often like the golden child, that's a horrible dynamic [look up golden child - scapegoat child dynamic OP].

 

If it's someplace like India, i would advise the OP to focus on school and eventually leave the country while postponing marriage as much as possible.

 

I live in the states. Have lived here for a long time now.

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To the OP-I'm guessing you're from India or some South Asian background. I don't know if you live in the West or back home.If you're in America (and your family is acting as if they're still in India), arranged marriages are illegal and you can report the pressure.

 

It sounds like your mom is using guilt which my mom did a lot too. If your mom is like mine, then she is just trying to scare you. There's no guarantee that she will end up in the hospital and there's no guarantee that she will truly disown you.

 

You say you're scared of their reactions. I get that, as I used to be like that too. It's not fun being yelled at, berated and made to feel like a bad daughter. At the end of the day, you can't be responsible for your parents' reactions. They're adults. The only way to feel happier is to no longer be scared of your parents' reactions. That's going to be hard to do, if you're so used to pleasing your parents.

 

I also was coerced into getting an arranged marriage and had an ad put behind my back on a website. Luckily, I was able to fight it. I was dating someone else at the time. But, I did it with a lot of yelling and guilt from my parents. My parents told me that my life would be screwed up if I don't listen to them. I went ahead and did my own thing.

 

Yes, your parents may continue to try and change your mind. At the end of the day, you're still in control. Try not to let their guilt and anger affect your decisions. If you do give in, you will regret it.

 

I live in the states. My mom has some heart problems that really flare up when she is mad. I wouldn't want her to end up in the hospital because of my actions. I do not want to marry a complete stranger and my mom is the kind of woman who does what she says. She tells me that my life will be screwed up if I don't listen and if I Do not study every waking moment. I do try my best to do as she says and listen, but I can't be put under so much scrutiny all the time. I'm basically under lock and key and the only time I have away from home is when I'm at college and that is the time that I use to do social things like go to the movies or hang out with people. If it's a weekend and I ask to go somewhere, I can expect a full blown lecture on how I need to study and how I am screwing up my life.

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I live in the states. My mom has some heart problems that really flare up when she is mad. I wouldn't want her to end up in the hospital because of my actions. I do not want to marry a complete stranger and my mom is the kind of woman who does what she says. She tells me that my life will be screwed up if I don't listen and if I Do not study every waking moment. I do try my best to do as she says and listen, but I can't be put under so much scrutiny all the time. I'm basically under lock and key and the only time I have away from home is when I'm at college and that is the time that I use to do social things like go to the movies or hang out with people. If it's a weekend and I ask to go somewhere, I can expect a full blown lecture on how I need to study and how I am screwing up my life.

 

Okay, a lot of Indian families are much more conservative in USA than in India. It sounds like your mom cares, but she is doing it in a way that's holding you back. I know people in India that say that they don't do arranged marriages anymore. Your mom has the choice to not be mad or not. You can't be held guilty for her feelings. Either she can accept you're an adult or she can't.

 

Is there a counselor from an Indian background that can help out? If you really are pressured into an arranged marriage, you can take legal action against it. It's scary, but it may be your last resort.

 

Even if your family does temporarily disown you, I have a feeling they may come back around. A lot of families say they will disown their kids, but they can't bear the feelings of being away from their children.

Edited by Seductive
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Get your degree, get a job for a year with reasonable security and then, move out. Don't bother repaying them. If they disown you, that's life. How your mother over reacts to being foiled, isn't your problem.

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I would be very careful about marrying somebody I didn't know. For example, 4 % of people are sociopaths.

 

What exactly makes a marriage be "arranged"? Can you be "arranged" to marry a man of your choosing whom you have known for a while (your boyfriend)?

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I would be very careful about marrying somebody I didn't know. For example, 4 % of people are sociopaths.

 

What exactly makes a marriage be "arranged"? Can you be "arranged" to marry a man of your choosing whom you have known for a while (your boyfriend)?

 

Now these days, arranged marriages allow the man and woman to meet. The man and the woman do have the right to say no, if they feel they aren't a good match. The parents will then continue to search for a suitable match. My friend got to choose her husband out of 20 guys that her parents selected. It's an arranged marriage in the sense that there's no formal Western dating nvolved (like dating for three years). When two people meet, it's understood that they are both looking for marriage.

 

I'm not sure what the OP's parents had in mind. From what I know, getting married to someone you haven't met isn't that common anymore.

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I live in the states. Have lived here for a long time now.

Then there is nothing they can do to force you into an arranged marriage.

 

I know you feel guilt for not wanting to go through with this.

And this is a very good thing, only a horrible human being would not feel guilt, would be totally and completely immune to it.

Things are not done like this in the US, and even in India things are changing.

 

So my advice is for you to stop challenging them, get your ducks in the row [finish your degree], and then say you will do things your way.

 

I have an example like this in my family.

A family had 2 daughters, and the dad decided who they should marry.

The oldest did not have the strength to stand up to him, so she did as he said, married a much older man who was a womanizer and alcoholic.

The youngest stood up to him, and married a coal miner.

They have been happy for close to 40yrs now.

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Look i am sure you are probably an Indian ... I am too. although settled in Australia. Anyways this is what our parents have to do to us. Ever since you start growing up they start telling us how bad u r becoz we r girls

how they will get us married off soon....how we have to be a nice and decent girl .. be virgin to get married to a nice man....

 

This is so wrong .. Life is way beyond getting married, way beyond what our parents scare us about and its really short ....

 

So get up tell them I wont do anything wrong let me go study in another city .. maybe find a nice uni... try to find a course which cud interest u... tell them u will marry @ 23 if they let you do this course and study at this uni (try the emotional blackmail as what they do to us)..... You will atleast get a chance to get out and maybe try something new.....

 

i was in the same position as this is what our so called parents have to do....I stood up found a uni and a course... I came to Australia to do my masters... met my dream guy here (of course Indian) .... told them its him or i wont marry... I am doing well atleast If something goes wrong I can blame myself for an decision I took and not blame somebody for ruining my life...

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TheInfamousCookie
I would be very careful about marrying somebody I didn't know. For example, 4 % of people are sociopaths.

 

What exactly makes a marriage be "arranged"? Can you be "arranged" to marry a man of your choosing whom you have known for a while (your boyfriend)?

 

Their version is to basically sign me up on a dating site or have their relatives look for it. Once they find a "suitable" match, they will match our birth booklets (Kundalis) to see if we make a good match or not based on our planetary alignments etc. If we do, they would want to go ahead with the marriage. I get a choice to say no but in their words I have to marry someone who is "Hindu, Indian, and from the same caste, and no love marriages." What kind of freedom is this?

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Look i am sure you are probably an Indian ... I am too. although settled in Australia. Anyways this is what our parents have to do to us. Ever since you start growing up they start telling us how bad u r becoz we r girls

how they will get us married off soon....how we have to be a nice and decent girl .. be virgin to get married to a nice man....

 

This is so wrong .. Life is way beyond getting married, way beyond what our parents scare us about and its really short ....

 

So get up tell them I wont do anything wrong let me go study in another city .. maybe find a nice uni... try to find a course which cud interest u... tell them u will marry @ 23 if they let you do this course and study at this uni (try the emotional blackmail as what they do to us)..... You will atleast get a chance to get out and maybe try something new.....

 

i was in the same position as this is what our so called parents have to do....I stood up found a uni and a course... I came to Australia to do my masters... met my dream guy here (of course Indian) .... told them its him or i wont marry... I am doing well atleast If something goes wrong I can blame myself for an decision I took and not blame somebody for ruining my life...

 

I'm two years through my undergrad courses and I have two years left. After that I am planning on either going to grad school or getting a job, depending on what happens really. But yes, they do emotionally blackmail us. And tell us how bad we are because we didn't get a good grade or how I need to know how to cook and clean so that my mother-in-law will like me and what not. I was planning on moving out of the city as soon as I'm done with undergrad anyway, and calling them and telling them that I wasn't going to do a love marriage and if they have a problem with it they can disown me. Only thing is, I don't have the courage to do it

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Now these days, arranged marriages allow the man and woman to meet. The man and the woman do have the right to say no, if they feel they aren't a good match. The parents will then continue to search for a suitable match. My friend got to choose her husband out of 20 guys that her parents selected. It's an arranged marriage in the sense that there's no formal Western dating nvolved (like dating for three years). When two people meet, it's understood that they are both looking for marriage.

 

I'm not sure what the OP's parents had in mind. From what I know, getting married to someone you haven't met isn't that common anymore.

 

It's more of a marriage to someone who has nice qualifications and is matching your kundali really

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I understand the feelings of guilt well.

 

However, you have but one life to live. Will you live it for yourself, or will you live it for your parents?

 

If they choose to disown you, it will not be something you have 'chosen'. If you leave communication open and they choose to disown, that will be THEIR choice. Not yours. The blood is on their hands, not yours.

 

Never let someone's threats about their own well-being dictate your motives out of fear of what they will do to themselves.

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I understand the feelings of guilt well.

 

However, you have but one life to live. Will you live it for yourself, or will you live it for your parents?

 

If they choose to disown you, it will not be something you have 'chosen'. If you leave communication open and they choose to disown, that will be THEIR choice. Not yours. The blood is on their hands, not yours.

 

Never let someone's threats about their own well-being dictate your motives out of fear of what they will do to themselves.

 

I agree with you. I would love to stay in touch with them as I am very close to my father and I would miss them terribly. I just don't know how to go about it and do it.

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Tell them you love them and are always open to communication, but you must make your own choices in life.

 

Easier said than done, I know.

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Tell them you love them and are always open to communication, but you must make your own choices in life.

 

Easier said than done, I know.

 

i will try my best :/

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How do you maintain a relationship if you are made to stay in the house?

 

I do go to college and I spend time with my boyfriend over there. We usually google quite a bit and text a ton. We are almost always in touch and try to spend what time we can together.

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i will try my best :/

 

Good luck!

 

I'd probably finish up my degree first, if I were you. Extremely hard to get a decent job without one, and you'll need the financial independence to stand your ground.

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Good luck!

 

I'd probably finish up my degree first, if I were you. Extremely hard to get a decent job without one, and you'll need the financial independence to stand your ground.

 

Two more years to go! And an undergrad degree in engineering :)

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