Can't decide whether to propose

[albert093]

Hi LoveShack, I'm writing to ask for your help on the biggest decision of my life. I've sought advice from various friends and even a therapist and I've always ended up with the same advice, but I think like a ouija board I'm responsible for that outcome - I'm sure I'm steering it. I'm going to try to avoid that here. This decision is killing me, it has already weighed on me for a year.

 

I've been with my girlfriend 6 years. We're both around 31, jobs are requiring big decisions, she's feeling the biological clock and it's time for me to decide. No beans about it, I care a lot about her, and "I love you" isn't awkward anymore. She's gentle, kind, a rare intellectual match, we laugh together, we never argue, we trust each other completely, we have a similar lifestyle, love of nature and retirement goals. I think she's hot. I think she would make a good mom and I like her family. She's willing to move to a new city with me to take a job. We share common friends and work in a similar field where we can team up a little. She loves me completely and we're both totally loyal. Even our sex has perked up - she's suddenly more interested in experimenting and her desire has risen near mine (hers used to be rather lower).

 

Sadly, thanks to the modern job market, we've always lived several states apart, and see each other only for a week or two per month. She's moving to within a 3hr commute soon, but it's been really confusing. I'll swing wildly from feeling it's obvious we should be married when we're together... to feeling I have to break up when we're apart.

 

When apart we will pepper one another with emails about things happening during the day - like I'll write her about something funny a colleague said. But otherwise I don't think about her much, other than what am I going to do about this proposal, because I'm pretty into my work. We Skype once a week and it's nice, though not something I think about. I *do* think about other women. I think I've been trying to convince myself that, you know these attractive other women around me, they're not half as awesome as my girlfriend, and I believe it -- most women don't hold a candle to her.

 

But I have another problem, which is that, while we're both scientists and lead pretty grounded lives, there's a part of me that believes in a greater meaning and narrative -- when we watch a sunset, I see magic, and she sees her anxieties. I enjoy the idea of star signs - though I know the evidence is bogus - and she thinks that's dumb. Music and dancing do something to me - she doesn't have a stereo. I feel I want to grow in this direction, to learn about perspective and philosophy and living life in a less grounded way, letting go a little. And I'm a romantic, I believe there my love interests are a select few and that I'd be all I could be with someone who stands shoulder-to-shoulder with me to fight the good fight to change the world for the better -- she's supportive and we'd be teammates, but primarily concerning raising a family (we are both pro-social for sure, but my aims are political and she helps those we know). And in spite of our excellent match I've never really had a "heart-throb" for her, and even when we started dating I wasn't sure at all, and was afraid I'd betray her by leaving her someday.

 

Be an adult, I tell myself, you're taking her for granted. Think about what's important. You're not the same person, but you both value that sunset in your own ways, and you still care deeply about one another. She's a rare catch and you've both invested a lot and that other stuff is nothing you can't work on together. Also, you'd both be happy if you got married, and so help me god, so would your aging parents (who want babies, and I want my babies to know them before they pass).

 

But when I traveled to another city lately, I had to figure myself out, and had dinner and went dancing with a friend who I've long felt fit many of those other criteria I care about. And I was totally infatuated and I think my eyes must have been dilated to a diameter I doubt they've ever been for my girlfriend. It went nowhere and it's rather unrealistic with this person, but I felt I learned something important that I could have feelings like this that I don't have for my girlfriend -- even though I'm totally uninterested in random attractive women in closer proximity. I don't think it's just that my girlfriend is "familiar" after all these years. But on the other hand -- it's probably just infatuation.

 

I'm stuck. Do I need to grow up and get over this, or listen to it? I've told my girlfriend how I feel I need time to grow on my own a little, and how I feel I need more experience with adult relationships to know if this is the right one for me (post-23, I've only seriously dated her and one other woman). She says she can't see how we would get past that, and I'm acutely aware of the role fear is playing in this decision, both fear of losing one another to the crush of marriages now happening in my age-31 peer group, but also the fear of either commitment or giving up on the idea of romance that takes me a little out of control.

 

Anyway, thank you for reading my long-winded post... is there anything here that you can offer based on your own life experiences?

[TaraMaiden]

"If it feels all good - do it. With any doubt - Don't."

 

That bit of advice stands for practically all and any situation I have ever found myself in.

 

And it's always stood true, and withstood the test of time.

 

Now, you may find that a little too 'cut and dried' for a situation such as yours.

But it's not.

 

If you really wanted to marry the girl - you'd feel it.

If you really wanted her to be your life-partner and mother of your children - you'd feel it.

 

If a scientific experiment is 100% conclusive, and the results prove a theory irrefutably, that's a result.

 

If a scientific experiment is inconclusive to any degree, then the final projected result is discarded, or remains theoretical, because of insufficient unambiguosness.

 

This - is ambiguous.

 

When you know - you know.

 

I hate to say it, but this Relationships sounds more habitual than passionate.

Every fibre of your system should be telling you that if you become engaged to her, it's because she is so definitely the one for you.

 

I don't get that feeling from your approach, at all.

 

And sadly, I don't think you do either.

[ImperfectionisBeauty]

I'm not even reading the whole thing I saw 6 years and I was done. You NEED to propose.. 6 years? You should be ashamed of yourself for making her wait that long.

[johan]

I'm not even reading the whole thing I saw 6 years and I was done. You NEED to propose.. 6 years? You should be ashamed of yourself for making her wait that long.

 

I have to agree. I'm not sure you can make the argument that you could use more time to get to know her better. Either do it or forget it.

[writergal]

Hi LoveShack, I'm writing to ask for your help on the biggest decision of my life. I've sought advice from various friends and even a therapist and I've always ended up with the same advice, but I think like a ouija board I'm responsible for that outcome - I'm sure I'm steering it. I'm going to try to avoid that here. This decision is killing me, it has already weighed on me for a year.

 

I've been with my girlfriend 6 years. We're both around 31, jobs are requiring big decisions, she's feeling the biological clock and it's time for me to decide. No beans about it, I care a lot about her, and "I love you" isn't awkward anymore. She's gentle, kind, a rare intellectual match, we laugh together, we never argue, we trust each other completely, we have a similar lifestyle, love of nature and retirement goals. I think she's hot. I think she would make a good mom and I like her family. She's willing to move to a new city with me to take a job. We share common friends and work in a similar field where we can team up a little. She loves me completely and we're both totally loyal. Even our sex has perked up - she's suddenly more interested in experimenting and her desire has risen near mine (hers used to be rather lower).

 

Sadly, thanks to the modern job market, we've always lived several states apart, and see each other only for a week or two per month. She's moving to within a 3hr commute soon, but it's been really confusing. I'll swing wildly from feeling it's obvious we should be married when we're together... to feeling I have to break up when we're apart.

 

When apart we will pepper one another with emails about things happening during the day - like I'll write her about something funny a colleague said. But otherwise I don't think about her much, other than what am I going to do about this proposal, because I'm pretty into my work. We Skype once a week and it's nice, though not something I think about. I *do* think about other women. I think I've been trying to convince myself that, you know these attractive other women around me, they're not half as awesome as my girlfriend, and I believe it -- most women don't hold a candle to her.

 

But I have another problem, which is that, while we're both scientists and lead pretty grounded lives, there's a part of me that believes in a greater meaning and narrative -- when we watch a sunset, I see magic, and she sees her anxieties. I enjoy the idea of star signs - though I know the evidence is bogus - and she thinks that's dumb. Music and dancing do something to me - she doesn't have a stereo. I feel I want to grow in this direction, to learn about perspective and philosophy and living life in a less grounded way, letting go a little. And I'm a romantic, I believe there my love interests are a select few and that I'd be all I could be with someone who stands shoulder-to-shoulder with me to fight the good fight to change the world for the better -- she's supportive and we'd be teammates, but primarily concerning raising a family (we are both pro-social for sure, but my aims are political and she helps those we know). And in spite of our excellent match I've never really had a "heart-throb" for her, and even when we started dating I wasn't sure at all, and was afraid I'd betray her by leaving her someday.

 

Be an adult, I tell myself, you're taking her for granted. Think about what's important. You're not the same person, but you both value that sunset in your own ways, and you still care deeply about one another. She's a rare catch and you've both invested a lot and that other stuff is nothing you can't work on together. Also, you'd both be happy if you got married, and so help me god, so would your aging parents (who want babies, and I want my babies to know them before they pass).

 

But when I traveled to another city lately, I had to figure myself out, and had dinner and went dancing with a friend who I've long felt fit many of those other criteria I care about. And I was totally infatuated and I think my eyes must have been dilated to a diameter I doubt they've ever been for my girlfriend. It went nowhere and it's rather unrealistic with this person, but I felt I learned something important that I could have feelings like this that I don't have for my girlfriend -- even though I'm totally uninterested in random attractive women in closer proximity. I don't think it's just that my girlfriend is "familiar" after all these years. But on the other hand -- it's probably just infatuation.

 

I'm stuck. Do I need to grow up and get over this, or listen to it? I've told my girlfriend how I feel I need time to grow on my own a little, and how I feel I need more experience with adult relationships to know if this is the right one for me (post-23, I've only seriously dated her and one other woman). She says she can't see how we would get past that, and I'm acutely aware of the role fear is playing in this decision, both fear of losing one another to the crush of marriages now happening in my age-31 peer group, but also the fear of either commitment or giving up on the idea of romance that takes me a little out of control.

 

Anyway, thank you for reading my long-winded post... is there anything here that you can offer based on your own life experiences?

 

I read your entire post. You write that you've been thinking about proposing to your girlfriend of 6 years, and have sought advice from therapists to other friends about whether or not you should.

 

Um, if you really wanted to propose to your girlfriend you would have already. Don't you think?

 

Any guy whose every given me the ol "I just need more time" excuse (and it IS an excuse, not a valid reason) when confronted with my question, "do you want to commit to this relationship or not?" gets the axe from me. Why? Because, just like the title of the book and movie, "he's just not that into you" is the reason.

 

After 6 years, you're just not into your girlfriend anymore. And you know what? It's totally normal! Not everyone whose been together for 6 years stays together.

 

You spent time with another woman whom you're infatuated with, and you admit to thinking about other women. Sorry, but every married man in my circle of friends only thinks about his wife. That is your first clue to yourself that you are not ready to settle down with your current girlfriend. It sounds like you're looking for reasons why you should still be with her, when deep down you probably know that the relationship has run its course for you . Do you stay with her out of guilt at this point?

 

Look, your decision is pretty easy to make, just forget about the consequences for a second. If you don't love your girlfriend anymore and know that deep down, she's not the one you want to marry, then please be true to yourself and kind to her, and end the relationship now. If you go ahead with a marriage proposal that you have even 1% doubt for, then you're not marrying her for the right reason and divorce is likely to follow eventually because either you'll cheat, or check out emotionally and your then-wife will notice and accuse you of cheating (even if you're not) and all hell will break loose.

 

As my grandma would say, "either **** or get off the pot." Either propose...or end the relationship. It's just that simple. The longer you mull over this, the worse it will get for you and your girlfriend of 6 years. Do you want stay with someone you no longer love? Do you think it's fair to your girlfriend when she could be with a man who doesn't have any doubts about his feelings for her and asks her to marry him without any excuses? You're really the only person who can make that decision. Continuing to ask people for advice is just a stall tactic to avoid the inevitable truth (that only you know but may be afraid to admit, if it means having to end the relationship). Good luck to you. I hope you make the best choice for you both.

Edited June 16, 2013 by writergal

[albert093]

Thanks everyone, it is kind of you to write frankly about this. I recognize the urgency and know it is wrong to have kept her waiting all this time. For the first 5 years I wasn't even thinking about it, it was comfortable and we were happy. Only when we hit 30 did it occur to me that life was happening. And it has taken me this long to even come to terms with the idea of marriage - I had been quite happy in my own little world of no planning or consequences. And it's also true that I know all I could need to know about her - it is myself I am having trouble with.

 

Part of my problem is that while it's taken me this long, I feel maybe I'm awakening NOW, that it is becoming -- conclusive, that I've been blind, taking her for granted, not appreciating all that she is for me; that I just need to let go of some bad ideas in order to be certain.

 

I mean, I have a beautiful, functional partnership in hand. She really cares about me... we know each other so well... we have so many sweet habits... she has been so patient with me... and while it may seem otherwise, I really do respect, admire and love her, and have never had any other woman like her in my life. And at moments when I'm feeling uncertain I sometimes think, well who cares if I'm 1% unsure - life is what you make of it. It's 99% good, and knowing myself, once I commit I believe I am good for it. I don't believe myself to be the cheating or emotional-checking-out kind.

 

And god, every time I even think of breaking it off I can't handle it, destroying something beautiful for no reason, imagining that these might be our last days together. We talked about it once before and I cried a lot, I'm an emotional wimp, which has surely been a part of my paralysis.

 

So the problem with the advice that you'll just know it's right -- is that knowing with certainty that "it's right" feels within my grasp if I let go of the wrong ideas. It's the ideas I'm uncertain about, not her. Maybe that is the same thing as ambiguity in the relationship, I don't know.

 

Maybe the most fair thing to do would be to tell her she should be seeking other men and "offers" while I sort myself out, seeing as I know who she is. I probably need the time to grow on my own a little, and I know that experience from other adult relationships would give me perspective. That I may realize one day that I've been an idiot and beg her to accept a proposal, which she can weigh as she pleases, but it's also possible I won't or maybe she'll marry someone else before I can realize that. (which is terrifying).

[TaraMaiden]

Maybe the most fair thing to do would be to tell her she should be seeking other men and "offers" while I sort myself out, seeing as I know who she is. I probably need the time to grow on my own a little, and I know that experience from other adult relationships would give me perspective. That I may realize one day that I've been an idiot and beg her to accept a proposal, which she can weigh as she pleases, but it's also possible I won't or maybe she'll marry someone else before I can realize that. (which is terrifying).

 

Do not under any circumstances choose this route.

This is known as casting her off in Limbo.

 

In brief, it's "Go, do what you want - but don't forget I may well surface at some point and offer you a definitive proposal.2

 

What the hell is she supposed to do with that - ?

 

Do you think it's reasonable to put that constraint on her?

 

I realise you mean well, but if you examine that proviso, it's extremely selfish - because you want to give her the freedom to spread her wings and fly - but you've left a cord around her ankle.... and you'd like to be able to tug on it when you're ready.....

 

How would you feel if she offered you the same deal?

 

"Go, do your stuff, be free....I will possibly be back. But you might have met someone. never mind, if you have, I will just complicate matters. if not, there's a chance we can pick it up again...."

 

No.

 

Hate to tell you - life doesn't work that way - not in any productive, successful or fruitful way.

 

That's just messing with her mind.

 

Cut and dried.

One way or the other.

 

There IS no middle road here.

 

Break it off.

Let her go.

 

And deal with this head on.

[man_in_the_box]

I agree with the posters that identified that you're simply not in the right state of mind to get married. These doubts and questions shouldn't be there. I also don't think you should necessarily break it off. Maybe you're just not a marriage-oriented person?

[TaraMaiden]

I agree with the posters that identified that you're simply not in the right state of mind to get married. These doubts and questions shouldn't be there. I also don't think you should necessarily break it off. Maybe you're just not a marriage-oriented person?

 

That's a point (stupid me!)

 

Has she actually said she wants marriage?

Has she indicated she wants to start a family?

You say 'She's feeling the biological clock' but has she actually come out and said, "we need to marry and settle down"....?

 

or is all of this pressure self-imposed?

[Janesays]

You wasted 6 years of this poor woman's life. Don't waste 6 more.

 

Hit the road, jack. It's the kindest thing you can do for her.

[man_in_the_box]

That's blame-shifting it all on the guy. They both contributed to not having proper insight in eachothers expectations of the relationship (as far as we know). So they're both responsible for wasting eachothers time if they didn't make clear what they want.

 

On a second note: after six years it might be handy to know whether you think the relationship is deserves your full dedication or not (whether it leads to marriage or not is another question). THAT is indeed way too long to have basic doubts about whether you found the 'right one'.

Edited June 16, 2013 by man_in_the_box

[Els]

And in spite of our excellent match I've never really had a "heart-throb" for her, and even when we started dating I wasn't sure at all, and was afraid I'd betray her by leaving her someday.

 

Honestly, this says all that needs to be said. It's one thing to settle down into a comfortable relationship and need to put in effort to keep the spark - it's another thing altogether to have NEVER felt anything for her.

 

You sound like you're trying to convince yourself by reiterating a laundry list of her positive attributes. But if the foundation - love - isn't there, laundry lists are pointless.

 

I'm not going to give you grief over spending 6 years with her without proposing. She chose to stay in it and it seems like she has just only started desiring marriage herself (if I read your OP correctly). Outside of the USA, it doesn't seem like a big deal for people to do that. The couple who'd most recently gotten engaged in my social circle was together for 11 years before that, since high school, and appear to be quite smitten with one another. The one before them was together for 7. Not a crime as long as you were both honest about it.

 

What I am going to give you grief for, is the fact that you've hung on for so long when you genuinely didn't feel anything for her. Why? Despite the laundry lists, surely you would have known, deep down. Marriage or no marriage, it really isn't worth it to be with someone you've never felt anything for. Truly.

[Eggplant]

How did you go 6 years without talking about marriage? She's 31. No woman can afford to spend 6 years on a relationship that's going nowhere. She should have left you 5 years ago. You will get your darn children -- you don't have a bio clock. Suppose you did ...

 

Oh well, this was terribly played. No, nobody wants to be married out of pressure. Leave.

[TaraMaiden]

where the hell IS the OP, anyway.....?

[albert093]

@Elswyth: neither of us is American, we're just working here. I don't think "heart-throb" love is the only kind worth thinking about. I feel a compassionate love for her and have for many years, and feel whereas passionate love fades quickly, this kind of love lasts. Ideally you would have both indefinitely, but my thought is maybe this is the one that matters in the long run. This makes it easy to feel like we are team-mates who should be together.

 

@Tara: That is a fair point, although I don't know that I'm strong enough to approach it as you suggest. It's hard enough to think of breaking it off, it's another altogether to accept it as a finality. I think I'm more likely to waffle forever than to build up the certainty and resolve I would need to do that. And it's no mind game, I think it's really true that, after time apart, I may realize she is the right one for me. I see what you are saying about not setting her free. But there has to be a better way.

 

Last fall she did indeed tell me she wants to be married and have kids, though it has really only been a few seasons since it's been on the agenda. I also delayed a while because of a health scare.

 

Also, I'm visiting her place and don't want to be monitoring "LoveShack" while she's nearby.

 

@man_in_the_box: that's a good point. Thanks.

 

@writergal: I think seeing this woman was "unfinished business" I needed to tie off. I don't know that there's anyone else who would cause me to wonder. I am curious how many of the men reading only thought about their future wives and were "totally sure" soon after they started dating. I can see myself arriving at a place where I only think about her, and I am almost there, but maybe that is something you arrive at, as opposed to starting from.

 

 

I didn't mention earlier, though I probably should have, that I actually attempted to propose to her the spring before she even brought it up. We climbed a big hill in a special place to watch the sunset. I had a nice restaurant booked nearby to celebrate. My plan was to propose right after the sun touched down and people cleared out, while the sky was full of beautiful light. But I could NOT get her to stay there, the moment the sun set she wanted to get on to the next thing, and the fact that we reacted so differently to that moment shook me out of the "this is the obvious next step" mode and sent me into my current paralysis. Not to mention the place had a name sounding like "doom". We've talked about this and laughed about it, though I guess I'm still digesting it and still have my ring hidden away.

[man_in_the_box]

Just to get this right, are you questioning whether you should take the big plunge and propose or are you questioning whether your LTR is 'the' right one? Because I think they're two crucially different things.

[albert093]

That's interesting. I'm clear that I want marriage and everything it affords, including children and a lifelong commitment. But I can see how those would be separate questions.

 

Obviously the ideal would be to discover "yes" it is the "right" LTR, which would in my case make marriage an easy decision.

 

But since it's likely she's not exactly the right person, I guess the main question is how close do I have to finding the right person before taking the plunge is the right idea in my case. I do notice that there seems to be a bias in these forums towards advising people to break it off. It's easy to say from a distance when there's nothing to lose.

 

I suppose I'm afraid of losing a sure shot at a happy marriage, all these years invested and someone who's been my best friend for years and years -- in pursuit of a "better" match who probably either doesn't exist or has already been snapped up by someone else.

[TaraMaiden]

It's likely you two have a completely different set of perceptions about your roles, feelings and attitudes to this relationship.

 

It's also likely that she has no clue how "lukewarm" you feel about her.

She's probably settled into believing this is "it" and you are "The One."

 

I would advise discussing this with her, in depth, maybe through counselling, because I fear this revelation will not go down well.

 

And you ARE going to have to talk with her.

[writergal]

That's interesting. I'm clear that I want marriage and everything it affords, including children and a lifelong commitment. But I can see how those would be separate questions.

 

Obviously the ideal would be to discover "yes" it is the "right" LTR, which would in my case make marriage an easy decision.

 

But since it's likely she's not exactly the right person, I guess the main question is how close do I have to finding the right person before taking the plunge is the right idea in my case. I do notice that there seems to be a bias in these forums towards advising people to break it off. It's easy to say from a distance when there's nothing to lose.

 

I suppose I'm afraid of losing a sure shot at a happy marriage, all these years invested and someone who's been my best friend for years and years -- in pursuit of a "better" match who probably either doesn't exist or has already been snapped up by someone else.

 

Well, regardless of what posters advise you in this thread, please talk to your girlfriend. That's the only way you'll reach the conclusion that is best for you both. If you don't want to end the relationship then don't end it.

 

I guess at this point, you need to answer this question for yourself: do you want to settle for second best, or would you rather risk being single again so that you have the chance to find "the one," whether she's already married to someone else, or she's single.

 

All we can do is give you our opinions based on our experience. It's up to you to go with your gut, and make the decision that you know is best for you and your girlfriend.

[eleve82]

 

Please watch this video ... It gives a view of whether there is such a thing as being 100% sure that someone is "the one". Every now and then you find people stuck in several different camps -- the one that thinks if he or she were "the one", the you'll "just know". (A romantic premise with roots in contemporary movie culture). Then you have the other side that wonders if they can find a perfect clone -- the one that can read their minds, see the same meaning in life as you do, want exactly the same things in life, etc etc.

 

I'd urge people to be realistic about their views and ideals of what the right partner should be like. It is impossible to find a clone who will share exactly the same views and perspective in life and it doesn't challenge you to grow as a person. It's also terribly unrealistic to think that you such an important decision should be based purely on "emotions" telling you that it "feels right". Ultimately, the reason why almost half of all relationships fail is not because the partners didnt feel that they weren't the "one" for each other but because when it came to overcoming the most difficult and stressful events in life, they suddenly found that they had forgotten to think about the most important qualities that make for an enduring partner: family values, a willingness to compromise, a generous heart, a good personality, resilience, wisdom and maturity.

 

If all you are looking for in a partner are shallow qualities that bring you comfort in safety (because you imagine he or she thinks like you do, looks good enough to keep you attracted) you put yourself in danger of long term relationship issues. If he or she fulfils the core values you share for your life and aspirations, challenges you to grow and learn as a person, and you enjoy his or her company and have come to love and respect him or her as the strength and quality of character, then you've found a keeper. If you let go in hopes of finding the 100% perfect fit, you will be in for a disappointment - because such things only exist in movies.

[Els]

@Elswyth: neither of us is American, we're just working here. I don't think "heart-throb" love is the only kind worth thinking about. I feel a compassionate love for her and have for many years, and feel whereas passionate love fades quickly, this kind of love lasts. Ideally you would have both indefinitely, but my thought is maybe this is the one that matters in the long run. This makes it easy to feel like we are team-mates who should be together.

 

I may personally disagree with you, but this is still a fair point assuming both of you are going into it with your eyes wide open and your thoughts communicated.

 

However, does she know you only have the 'compassionate' love for her and not the 'passionate'? Have you told her?

[Els]

 

Please watch this video ... It gives a view of whether there is such a thing as being 100% sure that someone is "the one". Every now and then you find people stuck in several different camps -- the one that thinks if he or she were "the one", the you'll "just know". (A romantic premise with roots in contemporary movie culture). Then you have the other side that wonders if they can find a perfect clone -- the one that can read their minds, see the same meaning in life as you do, want exactly the same things in life, etc etc.

 

I'd urge people to be realistic about their views and ideals of what the right partner should be like. It is impossible to find a clone who will share exactly the same views and perspective in life and it doesn't challenge you to grow as a person. It's also terribly unrealistic to think that you such an important decision should be based purely on "emotions" telling you that it "feels right". Ultimately, the reason why almost half of all relationships fail is not because the partners didnt feel that they weren't the "one" for each other but because when it came to overcoming the most difficult and stressful events in life, they suddenly found that they had forgotten to think about the most important qualities that make for an enduring partner: family values, a willingness to compromise, a generous heart, a good personality, resilience, wisdom and maturity.

 

If all you are looking for in a partner are shallow qualities that bring you comfort in safety (because you imagine he or she thinks like you do, looks good enough to keep you attracted) you put yourself in danger of long term relationship issues. If he or she fulfils the core values you share for your life and aspirations, challenges you to grow and learn as a person, and you enjoy his or her company and have come to love and respect him or her as the strength and quality of character, then you've found a keeper. If you let go in hopes of finding the 100% perfect fit, you will be in for a disappointment - because such things only exist in movies.

 

It's perfectly possible to find someone whose character you admire and is compatible with you, AND you feel passion for. Many people have.

 

That is quite a different thing from expecting a '100% perfect fit' and a 'clone with shallow qualities'.

[eleve82]

Without a doubt you need to love someone to marry them- no qualms about that. but it is not up to us to define whether the initial "passion" of a new relationship or "enduring love" (the stable mature kind that is quite unlike the honeymoon phase or infatuation kind) is more appropriate for the OP.

 

Also, Rarely does a long term relationship (>5years) maintain the same kind of highs as it had in the first 2 years but the love should not be questioned in a relationship where marriage is being considered, or there is no foundation to get through difficult times.

[Els]

Without a doubt you need to love someone to marry them- no qualms about that. but it is not up to us to define whether the initial "passion" of a new relationship or "enduring love" (the stable mature kind that is quite unlike the honeymoon phase or infatuation kind) is more appropriate for the OP.

 

Also, Rarely does a long term relationship (>5years) maintain the same kind of highs as it had in the first 2 years but the love should not be questioned in a relationship where marriage is being considered, or there is no foundation to get through difficult times.

 

I agree with you in general, but this OP has said that he NEVER felt any passionate love for her, not now, not in the beginning. While passion can simmer down to a quieter boil, IMO it's still an important ingredient, and it's especially worrisome if it has never even existed in the early stages.

 

People can choose to remain together, marry (or even not marry, as some do), for various reasons, and as long as they are happy, who is to question them? They need to be up-front about it, though. It's not fair to the OP's gf if she doesn't know that he's never felt passionate love for her.

[Star Gazer]

"If it feels all good - do it. With any doubt - Don't."

 

Yeah, I think the question can be summed up with this answer, and this answer alone.