Why get married?

[strongnrelaxed]

Love stands on its own. If you have felt it, you know what it is. Commitment is a promise between two people. If you promise something to someone you do it. This too stand on its own. Fidelity, respect, trust, honesty - all these things are between people.

 

A female friend told me the other day that marriage was necessary to make sure that men keep their promises. That just shocked me to my core. I always knew this, but I realized that it is essentially one-sided and punitive.

 

I can see business contracts for protection. But we are talking about someone who is presumably the most intimate partner you are likely to have. If you need a legal contract to bind him/her, I would argue that you are making a mistake.

 

So why get married when all the benefits can be had without any contracts?

[Woggle]

Because people still their ceremonies. I have mixed feelings on marriage myself despite being in a very happy one but I realize it means a lot to many people. It's a shame that these days it means diddly squat as far as people keeping their promises.

[drr6]

I have so far avoided adding to the gender battles acrimony, but...

 

Family law and current cultural practices make marriage relatively unattractive to the successful men that women find attractive.

The current script is: Everybody go out and have fun when young. (OK, no problem necessarily so far.) Then when you get around 30, it's time for a woman to settle down with the "good provider." From here, she has lots of insurance.

Weddings are becoming more and more narcissistic, over the top celebrations for the bride to play princess. Then you have kids. If it woks out, great. If it doesnt work out, it's still ok because you get the kid, alimony and child support. Even if you did very little to help the marriage succeed. Even if you were a total flake and just got bored with your stable provider. The law does not care. I am certainly not saying all women are bad at all. I am just saying the current system doesn't discourage flaky behavior, and in many ways rewards it.

[Eggplant]

I can see business contracts for protection. But we are talking about someone who is presumably the most intimate partner you are likely to have. If you need a legal contract to bind him/her, I would argue that you are making a mistake.

Look at the infidelity forum. See all the betrayed spouses who made terrible mistakes, and trusted somebody with their heart and soul and babies, who proceeded to crush them.

[tbf]

Not all the benefits can be had without the social contract of marriage, particularly since common law marriage is barely recognized in the U.S and not recognized in the U.K.

 

Consider survivor/spousal benefits, hospital visitation rights or making medical/legal decisions for a spouse who's incapacitated.

[Eggplant]

Fidelity, respect, trust, honesty - all these things are between people.

 

Don't forget commitment. It's not that the public vows create commitment, but rather that they demonstrate it. If a person wants to publicly vow to be married for life, that desire and action indicates to the other that his or her commitment is strong enough to raise a family together. I would only start a family with somebody who had strong commitment, and somebody with such commitment would really want to marry me.

[Anela]

I remember your old threads. You've been against marriage all along.

 

People tend to want to marry because they love each other, and feel that they don't want anyone else - making a commitment in front of family and friends, because they want to build a life together.

[Eggplant]

People in love are utterly blinded, and let themselves be swept off their feet. A manipulative person can take advantage by stretching the ambiguous, gray-area, emotional truth.

 

Solution: One black-and-white fact that can be used to determine a person's availability to be in a relationship and have a family is his or her marital status!

 

It is a matter of public record. In most places, it is illegal to marry 2 people at once. Hence this record helps people (women) not have children and devote their lives to people who are secretly already committed. And I'm speaking from experience.

 

In addition to the legal institution, it's also a social institution. Everybody in every culture everywhere has marriage. The rest of society in general respects other people's marriages and supports them and discourages infidelity. The public makes it harder for somebody to cheat. Hence there is a clean-hands, "no-BS" aspect to marriage -- look I'm showing everybody that I'm committed.

[Anela]

I meant to add that I was referring to the OP.

[Woggle]

Don't forget commitment. It's not that the public vows create commitment, but rather that they demonstrate it. If a person wants to publicly vow to be married for life, that desire and action indicates to the other that his or her commitment is strong enough to raise a family together. I would only start a family with somebody who had strong commitment, and somebody with such commitment would really want to marry me.

Plenty of people who make those vows throw that commitment down the toilet though.

[Keenly]

I have always wondered myself why .

 

The only possible answers I can come up with are tradition, religion, and the romanticization (Disney) of wedding to little girls who grow up to care more about the wedding than the marriage, and then emotionally blackmail their men to marry them (unless the dude wants to get married too) under threat of leaving.

 

 

Me , personally, I find the idea of marriage to be scary. If I say I love you... I really do love you and would do anything you asked of me, so why is that alone not good enough? I understand the legal differences between not being married and being married, but I still would rather avoid the whole thing because in my experience, it rarely woks. Sure you have those couples married for 70 years, but come on... that's super rare.

 

 

People also do not take marriage as seriously as they used to . I refer to all of the follpwing:

Infidelity

Being a team

EEquality in the marriage

And most importantly, the willingness to WORK at your marriage and your problems together.

 

 

With all that being said, it just makes me more turned off to the idea of marriage, because mygender is the one that usually gets the short straw on that one, especially if we have kids.

 

 

Thus is my opinion.

[Eggplant]

Plenty of people who make those vows throw that commitment down the toilet though.

 

Yes! And plenty who do not make those vows also throw their commitment down the toilet. My hypothesis is that somebody who does take the vows may be less likely to throw them.

[Eggplant]

but I still would rather avoid the whole thing because in my experience, it rarely woks. Sure you have those couples married for 70 years, but come on... that's super rare.

 

That's a fair viewpoint. If you don't want to make the life-long commitment, and you are up-front about it, that's entirely respectable. Children take 15 - 20 years to raise. One option, instead of life-long marriage, for people who want children would be to agree to stay together 2 decades, for instance.

[Woggle]

In addition to the legal institution, it's also a social institution. Everybody in every culture everywhere has marriage. The rest of society in general respects other people's marriages and supports them and discourages infidelity. The public makes it harder for somebody to cheat. Hence there is a clean-hands, "no-BS" aspect to marriage -- look I'm showing everybody that I'm committed.

 

This is not true. There is so much cheating and divorce these days that nobody even bats an eye. In fact people happy and long married couples are an anomaly. As somebody who gets hit on twice as much as I did when I was single people make it very easy to cheat. Trust me on that one. We live in a society that is damn near anti-marriage.

[Keenly]

That's a fair viewpoint. If you don't want to make the life-long commitment, and you are up-front about it, that's entirely respectable. Children take 15 - 20 years to raise. One option, instead of life-long marriage, for people who want children would be to agree to stay together 2 decades, for instance.

 

Well call me a hypocrite because if I was with her for that long, or I knew beyond a shadow ofa doubt that our lives would be together , I would marry her.

[Eggplant]

Well call me a hypocrite because if I was with her for that long, or I knew beyond a shadow ofa doubt that our lives would be together , I would marry her.

For some people who want to raise children in traditional family wherein the parents are together throughout the children's lives, this length of commitment is a major desire. Those are examples of people for whom marriage is beneficial. You and your partner both want that commitment.

[Eggplant]

This is not true. There is so much cheating and divorce these days that nobody even bats an eye. In fact people happy and long married couples are an anomaly. As somebody who gets hit on twice as much as I did when I was single people make it very easy to cheat. Trust me on that one. We live in a society that is damn near anti-marriage.

 

It's true that the societal pressure is nothing like what it used to be. However, I think it's an exaggeration to say long-married couples are an anomaly, or that nobody even bats an eye. Why do people hide affairs, if nobody bats an eye? It depends on what segment of society you see most often, I suppose.

 

I am surprised that your wedding ring attracts twice as many prospects as you got while single! Wow, maybe people should request their spouses take off their wedding rings in public.

[Woggle]

It's true that the societal pressure is nothing like what it used to be. However, I think it's an exaggeration to say long-married couples are an anomaly, or that nobody even bats an eye. Why do people hide affairs, if nobody bats an eye? It depends on what segment of society you see most often, I suppose.

 

I am surprised that your wedding ring attracts twice as many prospects as you got while single! Wow, maybe people should request their spouses take off their wedding rings in public.

 

I won't take it off. It doesn't matter how much they try because they are getting no part of this. I will never cheat. It's just sad that a wedding ring actually makes it easier for a man to find a date.

[Eggplant]

Women see a wedding ring and think a man is the committing-kind, plus some other woman has already vetted him and deemed him relationship-worthy, which ups his appeal.

 

LoL, on second thought, my man is NOT marrying me. :laugh:

[Woggle]

Women see a wedding ring and think a man is the committing-kind, plus some other woman has already vetted him and deemed him relationship-worthy, which ups his appeal.

 

LoL, on second thought, my man is NOT marrying me. :laugh:

 

Yeah but if he would be willing to cheat with her he is obviously not good husband material. Why do they never seem to think of that?

[Eggplant]

Yeah but if he would be willing to cheat with her he is obviously not good husband material. Why do they never seem to think of that?

It's a catch-22.

It's illogical on their part. I'm sure they rationalize it thinking that they are so wonderful that they must be an exception.

[violetsareviolet]

first time poster (errr...responder) here.

 

these are my unbiased thoughts about marriage...

 

marriage seems to still exists simply because of the ties to one's family tradition (and the desire to not be the black sheep of the family who is seen as an 'illegitimate' couple who just lives together), or it could be the attachment to their belief in a religion and the views of marriage within that religion...or it simply could be because the couple just enjoys to entertain the idea of a hosting big party for their friends and family to celebrate a couple becoming "official" in the eyes of the law

 

however, as everyone knows...the divorce rate is so high because people can't see past the allure of quadruple tier wedding cakes, gift registries, tax benefits and don't actually see the true person they are marrying. so many false expectations remain unsaid and eat away at each person until it eventually undermines the whole marriage...and thus the disillusionment. OR...in a worse case, people marry out of obligation. eeeschh, no thanks.

 

 

regarding what the OP's female friend said about marriage making men hold their promises...LOL. that's a kneeslapper right there...this is how disillusioned people have become with what marriage actually symbolizes

 

marriage was once a direct route to expanding a families' kingdom and exuding pride in their lineage...and basically a way to stake claim on another partner before one or the other died of plague, battle wounds or an unexpected dose of hemlock

 

now it's generally a direct route for the disillusioned folks who dream and wish to stake claim to a 4 bedroom house with a white picket fence, oversized cars, two children and a dog/cat/gerbil...and sadly, at the end of the day, no one knows what it's like to actually love someone and be loved in return

 

it gives me the sads how humans are literally ruining everything that was once considered sacred...ie. nature, resources and yes, even marriage

 

 

all things aside, I think if I can ignore all the posts from whiny betas and the entitled clueless women, I will enjoy lurking around here ;p cheers, everyone.

[Woggle]

first time poster (errr...responder) here.

 

these are my unbiased thoughts about marriage...

 

marriage seems to still exists simply because of the ties to one's family tradition (and the desire to not be the black sheep of the family who is seen as an 'illegitimate' couple who just lives together), or it could be the attachment to their belief in a religion and the views of marriage within that religion...or it simply could be because the couple just enjoys to entertain the idea of a hosting big party for their friends and family to celebrate a couple becoming "official" in the eyes of the law

 

however, as everyone knows...the divorce rate is so high because people can't see past the allure of quadruple tier wedding cakes, gift registries, tax benefits and don't actually see the true person they are marrying. so many false expectations remain unsaid and eat away at each person until it eventually undermines the whole marriage...and thus the disillusionment. OR...in a worse case, people marry out of obligation. eeeschh, no thanks.

 

 

regarding what the OP's female friend said about marriage making men hold their promises...LOL. that's a kneeslapper right there...this is how disillusioned people have become with what marriage actually symbolizes

 

marriage was once a direct route to expanding a families' kingdom and exuding pride in their lineage...and basically a way to stake claim on another partner before one or the other died of plague, battle wounds or an unexpected dose of hemlock

 

now it's generally a direct route for the disillusioned folks who dream and wish to stake claim to a 4 bedroom house with a white picket fence, oversized cars, two children and a dog/cat/gerbil...and sadly, at the end of the day, no one knows what it's like to actually love someone and be loved in return

 

it gives me the sads how humans are literally ruining everything that was once considered sacred...ie. nature, resources and yes, even marriage

 

 

all things aside, I think if I can ignore all the posts from whiny betas and the entitled clueless women, I will enjoy lurking around here ;p cheers, everyone.

 

Very true. My wife and I married out of love and not to have a big wedding day or a nice house or anything. We got married in her parent's back yard and I already had a house.

[jphcbpa]

If I recall, there was a recent study indicating that more people are staying together with and without kids outside of marriage. Also, that people are happier if memory serves.

[pink_sugar]

I'm sure there are a ton of other threads on here asking the same question. Why? Because a lot of people still value the meaning of marriage.