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Engagement Ring Shopping


Harlequin_Dog

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Harlequin_Dog

Hi all-

 

So...are there any rules or etiquette that is normally involved with shopping for engagement rings...?

 

I'm going with my SO today to look at a few, and I just have absolutely no idea about this whole process. (Though I did see one that I really liked that I can't wait to show him today. :o ) We spoke briefly about budget- so we do have a sort-of understanding there. (I respect his budget- both of us are heavily financially minded. However, we can agree that for something like this it should last a lifetime, so it can cost more. I'm still not entirely sold on spending a lot on it though. It's just a ring at the end of the day. What's infinitely more important is how healthy our relationship is.)

 

I'm just extremely daunted by this whole process. I've never considered marriages/engagements or any of this nonsense before meeting my partner. And quite honestly I can say the price-tags attached to everything make me a little sick.

 

But...thoughts? Suggestions? I want something that will age well- I want a ring that will look classy on me in my 20's and in my 50's and beyond.

 

Just...yeah. :] Hit me with whatever your thoughts are! Heck, even thoughts on engagements and such.

 

Edit* To clarify- his spending limit is much higher than what I would set. I'm not sure if that was clear. Haha...yeah, but I'm thinking we can find something that is moderately priced that will work well. :)

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My advice? Don't get a diamond.

 

I know, horror right? But hear me out...

 

Diamonds are old fashioned, cliche, way over priced, and considering the saturation in the market, a very poor investment as they don't hold their value very well. Get a different stone and you can have something bigger, just as sparkly, and it will be very unique and personal to you.

 

The best part? A fraction of the cost! Then use all that saved money for something smart like....a down payment on a home. My soon to be husband and I did that and just bought a 4,000 square foot home that has plenty of room for future children to live and thrive in. We would not have been able to do that had he dumped a small fortune on my ring.

 

You wear the ring on your finger....but you LIVE in the home. I love my ring, no doubt about it. But I love it even more knowing that when I have children, they'll have a home.

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My advice? Don't get a diamond.

 

I know, horror right? But hear me out...

 

Diamonds are old fashioned, cliche, way over priced, and considering the saturation in the market, a very poor investment as they don't hold their value very well. Get a different stone and you can have something bigger, just as sparkly, and it will be very unique and personal to you.

 

The best part? A fraction of the cost! Then use all that saved money for something smart like....a down payment on a home. My soon to be husband and I did that and just bought a 4,000 square foot home that has plenty of room for future children to live and thrive in. We would not have been able to do that had he dumped a small fortune on my ring.

 

You wear the ring on your finger....but you LIVE in the home. I love my ring, no doubt about it. But I love it even more knowing that when I have children, they'll have a home.

 

 

+100

 

Diamonds are a lot like cars...the value plummets once you walk out of the shop with it. That $1800 ring you will be lucky to sell for $500. Diamonds are only high in price due to demand, not actual worth. I have diamond rings I do not wear on an everyday basis because I am afraid of losing or damaging it. If you plan to wear your ring 24-7, get a ring with small diamonds that are deeply embedded in the ring or something you won't feel terrible about knocking around.

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How ironic... My fiancé and I just flew to New York yesterday for ring shopping... I am a jewelry artist myself and, approaching 50, never thought I would meet a man that would buy me a ring! I always got the attitude of, "well, you can just make it yourself, so whatever I bought would have no meaning to you!" Crap!

 

But because I am an artist, it was important for me to find something that rang true to my nature and would be timeless. This is an odd critical suggestion: Go to several pawn shops and look at 20- and 30-year old engagement rings and SEE how much styles have changed!!!! What was oh-so popular in the 70s and 80s (or, heck, the 50s!) looks *very* dated now!

 

A lot of what is popular now is heartening back to styles in the 30s with better-cut stones. But these are also known as conflict diamonds (or Blood Diamonds) and I would suggest you google that concept as well. A lot of men are losing life and limb so that a precious few can be very, very wealthy. I am not sure I could wear a modern diamond knowing about the wars in Africa. Consequently, we set a budget and planned an entire weekend in NY (excluding the Shabbat) to price and buy a ring. (Hint: you save a *ton* of money if you buy directly from the Hasidic here and you have cash!)

 

We ultimately found a true vintage, pre-conflict ring that is perfect for ME because of the time we spent looking and shopping. Do NOT buy from the first seller! These guys are like used car salesmen who can see a mark a mile away! Seriously spend time learning how to buy a diamond (there are good YouTube tutorials!) and be prepared to walk away and give it time before making the decision. Whatever you do, DO NOT buy your first day out!

 

Research, research, research...

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Carrie, you did it wrong.

I'm sorry to say but you fumbled it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You should have previously listened to 'Diamonds are a girl's best friends' and watched 'Breakfast at Tiffany's'.

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Oh, Radu....:love:

 

I love that you have my back!

 

Coming from a girl who *never* believed she would find a guy to lay out that kinda $$ on bling, I'm pretty happy!

 

There was a young, Wall Street dude next to us at one store, deciding between the $16k and $18k stones (no ring or setting, mind you! Just the rock!) I would much rather have the modest ring and kick-ass honeymoon trip for that kind of cabbage!

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Oh, Radu....:love:

 

I love that you have my back!

 

Coming from a girl who *never* believed she would find a guy to lay out that kinda $$ on bling, I'm pretty happy!

 

There was a young, Wall Street dude next to us at one store, deciding between the $16k and $18k stones (no ring or setting, mind you! Just the rock!) I would much rather have the modest ring and kick-ass honeymoon trip for that kind of cabbage!

 

Yes, but his future fiance might want to keep a memento along with half of his future stuff.

 

Sorry to be this cutthroat, but he was from WS, and they are probably both NY-ers. :)

 

PS: I love 'Breakfast at Tiffany's', it has a very possitive and beautifull message. :)

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I'm totally with you on the B@T message! It was one of the reasons we came to New York for the ring...

 

I know the amount if mark-up that occurs in the industry and I was sceptical even bothering with a diamond. My fiancé is more traditional but there was no way I even wanted to go there with something like the Wall Street dude was buying!

 

I'm marrying a pretty prominent surgeon who could (and has, with previous marriages) "invested" in large rocks. Those marriages didn't last and while every budding marriage believes it will last the test of time, because we are both slightly jaded, neither of us wanted to put *that much* money into a bauble.

 

I have a moderately-priced ring that is probably considered small compared to others doctor's wives. I know some of the sellers we saw yeaterday were disappointed when I didn't want to bother with large stones.

 

My advice to the OP is to take their time and do a LOT of research - both on diamond-buying (if they want to go that route) as well as on the longevity of aesthetics. As a jeweler, I get more requests from people wanting to update the look of a 10- and 20-year old style because aesthetics change and their rings look dated to a certain era.

 

20 years ago, most engagement rings were simple solitaire diamonds in yellow gold. Now it is white gold with more pavé, smaller stones around a large stone. So many are buying what is fashionable NOW and then wants something different when styles change.

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20 years ago, most engagement rings were simple solitaire diamonds in yellow gold. Now it is white gold with more pavé, smaller stones around a large stone. So many are buying what is fashionable NOW and then wants something different when styles change.

 

Many of them are turning into those horribly complex and constantly larger Superbowl rings.

 

I bought a few rings in my time, and i always tended to go for simplicity, silver generally.

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Harlequin_Dog

Thank you everyone for the input!

 

We've gone to about 4 stores now since January(one in January, 3 this month), but we only really started seriously looking this month.

 

I had SERIOUS sticker shock yesterday! I was very floored by how expensive diamonds are. He was more open to high prices, but when I saw a pricetag of $23k on a single diamond, I was pretty much done. Hahahaha- I'm pretty sure I started to feel my head swim imagining paying that much!!

 

CarrieT- thanks so much for suggesting looking at true 'vintage' rings. I am really wary of getting something that will look outdated in 15-30 years, and that is an excellent suggestion. I am also extremely aware of blood diamonds and the bloodshed so often involved with acquiring a diamond. I have made a point of telling him if we go with a diamond, I want some form of paperwork attached to it so we know it was fairly obtained. (And that the workers who got it were fairly compensated.)

 

Janesays and pink_sugar- Thanks for the input! I am on the fence about what sort of stone I want. I would prefer something that clearly states/gives off an engagement ring feeling. I am interested a little in blue or red sapphire, but that feels more like an anniversary ring to me? I'm still getting my feet wet though- so I'll know more as I go!

 

 

Also- Imperfection- Your comment made me laugh! XD I'm not into a ton of diamonds on a ring...but I do like a larger center stone. So who knows.

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A lot of celebrities or otherwise wealthy people are buying "colored" diamonds for their engagement/wedding rings now. Do you want to know what a blue diamond looks like? A sapphire. A red one? Ruby.

 

So if you're worried about it not looking like an engagement ring because it's not a white diamond, just know that having colored stones are all the rage now. You're still going to look engaged...just in a more progressive and modern way instead of the tired old traditional grandma-like way. ;)

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I am sure people have talked to you about the 5 C's. Size is not everything but I would focus on color and clarity as your top priorities. You want to figure out your style and what works in your life. A ring that is one stone, multiple carats does not work for me as it would be banged around and would limit me wearing it.

 

If you want a designer, we really like Tacori.

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I am going to disagree a bit on concentrating on Color and Clarity. During my recent research, I learned that it is CUT and Clarity that drives the price.

 

A poorly-cut stone can diminish quality because a too-deep girdle will not allow enough light to reflect. Again, YouTube is your friend...

 

I opted for a significantly lesser-quality stone because I knew it was hand-cut a hundred years ago before they developed the science and lasers to cut modern stones. It actually appears to be a bigger carat stone than it is because they didn't have the computers to optimize the angles of the cuts. Being an artist, it made it more desirable and special to ME.

 

But when we were looking at just raw stones from potential sellers, I could see (through their loupes), just how much different a "perfectly-cut" stone sparkles more. Much bigger difference than mere color.

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Harlequin_Dog

So- I've been extremely anxious about the price associated with diamonds- but more so about wanting any diamond to be conflict free and a result of fair trade.

 

That being said- I'm not getting a diamond. I originally looked up the De Beers information to see if I could simply avoid patronizing that group. But it seems like tracing the history of any such stone could be a major accomplishment.

 

So, after that I started looking up companies that own and finance their own private mines. These companies take part in the "Kimberly Process Certification Scheme." Really- anything that outwardly calls its self a scheme should be a big enough red flag to stop you there. You can read about it hereKimberley Process Certification Scheme - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

After looking over it myself- I noticed that while this process tracks diamonds that are exported to the US, it says nothing on what does and does not define a conflict zone. It also says nothing as to the ethical treatment of diamond miners and workers in the mines.

 

Then I found this:

Chinese diamond miner ups wages to end Zimbabwe strike | Reuters

 

After reading that I felt my stomach churn. That article is barely over a year old. It's clear that the mistreatment and conflict over diamonds is still very much alive and kicking. (This isn't even touching on the grave environmental impacts seen from simply mining out diamonds.)

 

All things considered, I am making the choice to avoid diamonds. I refuse to indulge in a trade that has and can result in people being KILLED simply so that I can have a shiney rock.

 

I actually have a lot of interest in moissanite- it's lab created, ranks a 9.25 on the mo scale, has a stronger fire than diamonds, and is a great alternative that is safe.

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Bravo, Harlequin. I'm proud of you and wish more people would do this type of investigation!

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Not all diamonds are conflict diamonds though.

 

There are some companies which explicitly state that they sell conflict free diamonds.

 

Canadian diamonds are almost always not blood diamonds.

 

I find it interesting when people are against blood diamonds, yet they willingly wear clothing that was made in sweatshops.

 

If you prefer moissanite, I'm sure you can find a very nice stone. Moissy is an expensive stimulant.

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All things considered, I am making the choice to avoid diamonds. I refuse to indulge in a trade that has and can result in people being KILLED simply so that I can have a shiney rock.

 

 

Gddamn, I am so stinking proud of you and my gender right now! It is so rare that I hear this statement from a woman that it darn near brings me to tears when I do. I think it's the epitome of selfishness when people KNOWINGLY do things that hurt/kill other people for strictly frivolous reasons, like showing off a ROCK to their equally selfish friends. The world needs more women like you.

 

And before anyone gets on my back about busting on diamonds when I am possibly doing X, I just want to state for the record that I do not wear diamonds, I don't own certain kinds of electronics or clothes, heck I don't even eat fast food EVER because I don't like how the animals our treated. I buy all of my meat locally and I very very rarely drive. If I'm utilizing a service that causes the suffering of innocents, I WILL QUIT or TRY my best to cut back. I will not turn a blind eye just because of some arbitrary X. I think people forget, as consumers, that we have the power to change things if we do our voting with our wallet. If we simply refuse to buy something until X disappears, companies will have a choice: Stop doing X or go out of business. 9 times out of 10, they'll stop murdering. If we have the guts to stand up and actually MAKE THEM.

 

That's my soapbox rant for the day. Good luck with ring and your wedding, OP, you sound like a wonderful woman and deserve all the happiness in the world. :love:

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Harlequin_Dog
Not all diamonds are conflict diamonds though.

 

There are some companies which explicitly state that they sell conflict free diamonds.

 

Canadian diamonds are almost always not blood diamonds.

 

I find it interesting when people are against blood diamonds, yet they willingly wear clothing that was made in sweatshops.

 

If you prefer moissanite, I'm sure you can find a very nice stone. Moissy is an expensive stimulant.

 

True- those diamonds go through the Kimberly process to be certified as "conflict free." However, as I mentioned above, that actually doesn't mean much of anything. That process does nothing to guarantee the safety and ethical treatment of the workers, nor does it say anything about safeguarding the environment.

 

I did briefly look at diamonds from Canada- as that was the only source that can really lay claim to a fair trade title, but the environmental damage it causes scared me off. Diamond mines in Canada have been an extreme detriment to caribou populations, completely wiping them out in areas near mines, and have greatly impacted the other species as a direct result.

 

As for the sweatshop comment- I admit, I do probably already support bad business. I am a college student, so I always tends to choose the cheapest available option simply so that my bank account always says positive. However, I try my best to avoid this, and when I have the power to influence change, you better believe I will choose that every time.

 

Also I really like moissanite- it feels more personal to me actually! It was 'discovered' in Arizona- which is also where my SO was born, so it feels really special. <3

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Harlequin_Dog
Gddamn, I am so stinking proud of you and my gender right now! It is so rare that I hear this statement from a woman that it darn near brings me to tears when I do. I think it's the epitome of selfishness when people KNOWINGLY do things that hurt/kill other people for strictly frivolous reasons, like showing off a ROCK to their equally selfish friends. The world needs more women like you.

 

And before anyone gets on my back about busting on diamonds when I am possibly doing X, I just want to state for the record that I do not wear diamonds, I don't own certain kinds of electronics or clothes, heck I don't even eat fast food EVER because I don't like how the animals our treated. I buy all of my meat locally and I very very rarely drive. If I'm utilizing a service that causes the suffering of innocents, I WILL QUIT or TRY my best to cut back. I will not turn a blind eye just because of some arbitrary X. I think people forget, as consumers, that we have the power to change things if we do our voting with our wallet. If we simply refuse to buy something until X disappears, companies will have a choice: Stop doing X or go out of business. 9 times out of 10, they'll stop murdering. If we have the guts to stand up and actually MAKE THEM.

 

That's my soapbox rant for the day. Good luck with ring and your wedding, OP, you sound like a wonderful woman and deserve all the happiness in the world. :love:

 

Ahhh thank you! :lmao: You flatter me! I expect to catch backlash about decision (Something like, 'didn't he have enough to buy a diamond/doesn't he love you enough for a diamond ring?'), but I really don't care. The more I learned about the subject, the decision to avoid the stone was extremely obvious.

 

But I will be sure to keep everyone here updated as the shopping continues! And the planning and...well...everything else! :laugh::p

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True- those diamonds go through the Kimberly process to be certified as "conflict free." However, as I mentioned above, that actually doesn't mean much of anything. That process does nothing to guarantee the safety and ethical treatment of the workers, nor does it say anything about safeguarding the environment.

 

I did briefly look at diamonds from Canada- as that was the only source that can really lay claim to a fair trade title, but the environmental damage it causes scared me off. Diamond mines in Canada have been an extreme detriment to caribou populations, completely wiping them out in areas near mines, and have greatly impacted the other species as a direct result.

 

As for the sweatshop comment- I admit, I do probably already support bad business. I am a college student, so I always tends to choose the cheapest available option simply so that my bank account always says positive. However, I try my best to avoid this, and when I have the power to influence change, you better believe I will choose that every time.

 

Also I really like moissanite- it feels more personal to me actually! It was 'discovered' in Arizona- which is also where my SO was born, so it feels really special. <3

 

Yeah, it gets expensive being socially conscious about everything doesn't it? I think that people tend to forget that sometimes the socially conscious options are just too expensive. I don't buy a lot of organic food or locally produced meat because it costs too much. Free trade coffee is overpriced and conflict free Canadian diamonds are ridiculously pricey compared to the non conflict variety.

 

American Apparel makes cheap clothing that is produced ethically. I hope you don't think I am trying to give you a hard time. I simply don't understand why one evil is okay but the other is not.

 

Moissanite is a gorgeous stimulant. It doesn't look like a diamond but since that is not important to you, I'm glad that you love that stone. I'm glad that you found someone who shares your ideals. Best wishes with your marriage. :love:

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Ahhh thank you! :lmao: You flatter me! I expect to catch backlash about decision (Something like, 'didn't he have enough to buy a diamond/doesn't he love you enough for a diamond ring?'), but I really don't care. The more I learned about the subject, the decision to avoid the stone was extremely obvious.

 

But I will be sure to keep everyone here updated as the shopping continues! And the planning and...well...everything else! :laugh::p

 

 

Don't worry. My ring is a cerulean garnet and no one has ever said this nonsense to me. In fact, since it is a few carets (3 I think) and cut very nicely in a very elegant setting, it actually looks a fair bit more expensive that some of the super tiny, poorly cut diamonds that you see in a lot of engagement rings out there. (But it's not...not that anyone needs to know that! :)

 

I think another great part about getting a different stone is you can really get the perfect size and cut of the stone you like without going into debt. A lot of people on a budget just want a diamond, any diamond that they can afford really, and it does come across as pretty cheapy looking if you ask me.

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Ahhh thank you! :lmao: You flatter me! I expect to catch backlash about decision (Something like, 'didn't he have enough to buy a diamond/doesn't he love you enough for a diamond ring?'), but I really don't care. The more I learned about the subject, the decision to avoid the stone was extremely obvious.

 

But I will be sure to keep everyone here updated as the shopping continues! And the planning and...well...everything else! :laugh::p

 

Don't worry about backlash. Keep doing you.

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