AnitaP11 Posted December 9, 2012 Share Posted December 9, 2012 Hi guys, Newbie here. So my fiancé is going to Germany for work in Jan and two of his friends will be joining him and they plan to do his bachelor there. This is just pissing me off and I'm getting upset about the whole strip club situation. All his friends are married and they wanted to do Prague but I wasn't happy and my fiancé chose Germany. His best friend will be travelling with his wife,so I know there won't be too much debauchery and she will go to the strip club as well. However, I can't seem to make peace with this and don't know how to talk to my fiancé about this with coming across as an insecure prude. We both are Asians and strip clubs are not really part of the norm here, though he spent 10 years in the US and thinks they are harmless. But the thought of him touching another women makes me sick and I want to communicate this in a saner manner. He is 35 so it's not like he hasn't seen strip clubs in his life. How do I deal with this?? I just feel a little betrayed. He has never cheated on me, but recently admitted he had cheated on his ex, but didn't have intercourse. He is also one of the most honest people I know and really sucks at lying Link to post Share on other sites
Balzac Posted December 9, 2012 Share Posted December 9, 2012 Welcome to LS. This topic has been a repeater for sure. Face it, man pride is at stake in these situations. You're not a wife, yet. It's never too late to balk on the marriage. If you cannot come to terms with your anxiety and fear, cannot have a dialogue with him, greater problems exist. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted December 9, 2012 Share Posted December 9, 2012 But the thought of him touching another women makes me sick Sit down, hold his hand, and tell him just that. Ask him if he can help you come to some peace with the situation. In other words, go to him with a concern, not a demand, and talk it out. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Nyla Posted December 9, 2012 Share Posted December 9, 2012 Bachelor parties with strippers are a tradition of sorts. So many grooms have them and they still become very good husbands. It is almost like a rite of passage. It is worrysome that your fiance did not tell you about cheating on his ex. He could be hiding other questionable past behavior. Link to post Share on other sites
skydiveaddict Posted December 10, 2012 Share Posted December 10, 2012 How do I deal with this?? Tell your fiancé's friends to quit being so dull and come up with something original. We took my brother in law (and his groomsmen, best man etc) to play golf, then rented an entire bumpercar racetrack for a couple of hours, then went to a rather upscale pool hall where we had pool tables reserved and had a nice dinner. The next day we had a grueling round of high speed paint ball fighting; and of course to top it all off they all made their first skydive. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Arabella Posted December 10, 2012 Share Posted December 10, 2012 You're just going to have to talk to him about this. I understand why you feel this way, and frankly, given that he cheated on his ex, you have every reason to be concerned. Tell him this. He can go and have his boy time, but why does he need to see other naked women? Personally, the thing that disturbs me the most is that they're going OUT of the country you live in, to Germany, where prostitution is legal. Why couldn't he have his party locally? So many red flags about this situation... -A 2 Link to post Share on other sites
rainfall Posted December 11, 2012 Share Posted December 11, 2012 Bachelor parties with strippers are a tradition of sorts. So many grooms have them and they still become very good husbands. It is almost like a rite of passage. It is worrysome that your fiance did not tell you about cheating on his ex. He could be hiding other questionable past behavior. You are kidding right? Who cares if it is considered a "tradition" and a "rite of passage", if it bothers her and she isn't comfortable with it, she needs to let him know. She shouldn't have to accept this behavior just because "so many grroms have them." 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Negative Nancy Posted December 11, 2012 Share Posted December 11, 2012 where prostitution is legal my first thought too... something's not right Link to post Share on other sites
Author AnitaP11 Posted December 13, 2012 Author Share Posted December 13, 2012 He is not into hookers at all. In fact the hooker scene is more rampant in my city than even Germany I'm sure. He needs to be emotionally involved with someone to exchange bodily fluids esp now in this age. Germany was picked cos he and his friend are there for a work fair and the third friend will be travelling with his wife that time. The idea acc to him is to have so,e good clean fun, drink beer and watch some soccer. But ya they will visit a strip club cos the friends want that. I spoke to him and he agreed that kissing a stripper etc is not cool. And sounded disgusted by that thought. But he didn't think it was a big deal , looking at a stripper. And is okay with me having a similar bachelorette party. After talking to him, I did think I was stressing too much over this, as nothing is even planned yet, and he is just going with the flow. But I still feel a little upset with the whole strip club thing. Link to post Share on other sites
JWRP Posted December 13, 2012 Share Posted December 13, 2012 (edited) You are kidding right? Who cares if it is considered a "tradition" and a "rite of passage", if it bothers her and she isn't comfortable with it, she needs to let him know. She shouldn't have to accept this behavior just because "so many grroms have them." ^^^ I completely agree. Lets all jump off that bridge next? Tradition is just an excuse to test the waters. To me, it's a matter of principle, respect, and honoring the commitment to each other. Right before a big commitment lets watch strangers get naked... The logic is so flawed I've never cared to try and grasp it. Edited December 13, 2012 by JWRP 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Nyla Posted December 13, 2012 Share Posted December 13, 2012 (edited) You are kidding right? Who cares if it is considered a "tradition" and a "rite of passage", if it bothers her and she isn't comfortable with it, she needs to let him know. She shouldn't have to accept this behavior just because "so many grroms have them." If you observe weddings and the gatherings that go along with that celebration, you will see that bachelor(ette) parties are normal and accepted. Stag parties are viewed as "the last hurrah" before someone gets married. Bridge jumping? Wouldn't getting married in the first place be a form of conforming to the norms and pressures of society? How about nearly every other tradition that is honored? I would never tell anyone they "have to" accept anything. I simply wanted to convey that strippers at a bachelor party are a very normal occurence. I don't think it is worth being upset about but I accept that not everyone feels the same way. My husband isn't into strip clubs and if he was, I would not be hurt or intimidated if the visits were not frequent. Getting a dance from a stripper is nothing compared to what my husband receives at home. Even if he were to gawk at strippers, at the end of the night my husband would come home to me. The strip club issue is a red herring. The real problem is the lack of honesty that the OP's fiance has demonstrated. Edited December 14, 2012 by Nyla Link to post Share on other sites
rainfall Posted December 14, 2012 Share Posted December 14, 2012 If you observe weddings and the gatherings that go along with that celebration, you will see that bachelor(ette) parties are normal and accepted. Stag parties are viewed as "the last hurrah" before someone gets married. My husband isn't into strip clubs and if he was, I would not be hurt or intimidated if the visits were not frequent. Getting a dance from a stripper is nothing compared to what my husband receives at home. Even if he were to gawk at strippers, at the end of the night my husband would come home to me. The strip club issue is a red herring. The real problem is the lack of honesty that the OP's fiance has demonstrated. If someone feels that they need a "last hurrah" to get married maybe they should rethink if they are marrying the right person. If it was me, and the guy I was marrying wanted a bachelor party knowing how I felt about it, I would leave him in a second. Some people are ok with it though and the OP and her SO need to decide together if this is something they can come to an agreement on or it they should both find someone esle. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Nyla Posted December 15, 2012 Share Posted December 15, 2012 (edited) Not telling the OP about the cheating is dishonest in my eyes. Edited December 15, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Nyla Posted December 15, 2012 Share Posted December 15, 2012 If someone feels that they need a "last hurrah" to get married maybe they should rethink if they are marrying the right person. If it was me, and the guy I was marrying wanted a bachelor party knowing how I felt about it, I would leave him in a second. Some people are ok with it though and the OP and her SO need to decide together if this is something they can come to an agreement on or it they should both find someone esle. Neither me nor my husband had stag/hen parties. Of course, we eloped so we also eschewed many wedding traditions. I was invited to see a strip show with a bunch of single women. I knew my husband would not have been happy with the idea so I did not even bring it up to him or attend the show. One of the women encouraged me to go to the strip show anyway and lie, but I don't want dishonesty in my marriage. My husband and I disclosed many aspects of our pasts to each other so that there would be no surprises later on. We were both sad to learn certain things, but at least we didn't hide things like the OP's fiance. Not sharing something that could affect our marriage (such as a tendency to cheat) would have been a lie of omission. Would you be upset about a bachelor party with no strippers or prostitutes? Link to post Share on other sites
rainfall Posted December 15, 2012 Share Posted December 15, 2012 Would you be upset about a bachelor party with no strippers or prostitutes? No...why would I get upset about that? Link to post Share on other sites
Nyla Posted December 15, 2012 Share Posted December 15, 2012 I wasn't sure if you're opposition to bachelor parties was all inclusive or merely because of the strippers. Thanks for the clarification. Link to post Share on other sites
Daniel V. Ross Posted December 18, 2012 Share Posted December 18, 2012 Talk with your partner about your concerned and I think he will gonna understand it. Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Starlight Posted December 20, 2012 Share Posted December 20, 2012 As far as I can see, the op's fiance has not been dishonest; he admitted to cheating on a past girlfriend therefore he has disclosed his past prior to marriage - he hasn't hidden something that could affect his marriage so I don't see how that constitutes a lie of omission. Also his bach party is in Germany so he didn't even have to tell the OP about going to a strip club but he chose too so I see no lack of honesty from him. OP I completely understand how you feel about strippers because I'm not too crazy about them either but at the end of the day it comes down to trust - you either trust him or you don't because believe me, he can just as easily cross boundaries in a regular bar or club as he can in a strip club. Also I have been to a few strip clubs and most of them had a strict no touching policy, there were even bouncers around to protect the girls - all they did was take their clothes off and dance, a few money notes may have been slipped into garters etc but there was definitely no kissing or anything like that, these girls aren't prostitutes. Some may have offered extra services but like i said, he could just as easily be propositioned in a bar. I would definitely talk to him and explain how you feel though because I agree he should not be doing something that you don't feel comfortable with Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Starlight Posted December 20, 2012 Share Posted December 20, 2012 And can I just clarify that I was talking about actual established strip clubs that you physically go to, not strippers that you hire to come to you. Actual strip clubs have strict house rules about what is and isn't permitted - I think you'll find the wilder stories on LS are about strippers that you'd find in the phonebook or even brothels! Just thought I'd point that out as it seems the OP's fiance is talking about the former Link to post Share on other sites
Arabella Posted December 20, 2012 Share Posted December 20, 2012 Actual strip clubs have strict house rules about what is and isn't permitted - I think you'll find the wilder stories on LS are about strippers that you'd find in the phonebook or even brothels! Just thought I'd point that out as it seems the OP's fiance is talking about the former Yeah, that's the story that many men feed to women. My boyfriend flat out told me that one of the bachelor parties he went to, one of the guys had sex with a stripper in one of the booths during what was supposed to be a lap dance. An ex of mine reported similar horror stories with everything ranging from groping to blow jobs. This was both in the US and Europe. Just sayin'... -A Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Starlight Posted December 24, 2012 Share Posted December 24, 2012 Yeah, that's the story that many men feed to women. My boyfriend flat out told me that one of the bachelor parties he went to, one of the guys had sex with a stripper in one of the booths during what was supposed to be a lap dance. An ex of mine reported similar horror stories with everything ranging from groping to blow jobs. This was both in the US and Europe. Just sayin'... -A Totally agree but I'm just saying not ALL places are like that - I know this from actually having been to a couple of these clubs myself, not from just being fed some line or listening to hearsay. I work for an investment bank in Europe and have had to visit said clubs whilst entertaining foreign clients (by their request), one CEO of a large middle eastern company got thrown out for offering to pay handsomely for some of the "extras" you mention in your horror stories - they weren't that kind of establishment. I also had to do some very quick talking to stop them calling the police and reporting him for soliciting! The point I'm trying to make (badly lol) is that these clubs aren't the source of all evil, the men in the horror stories we've all heard were fully complicit in the acts - they weren't forced. A man can just as easily be propositioned in a normal club or bar (and get it for free!) but that doesn't mean he has take the offer up. I'm not crazy about these clubs but I have no problem with my SO visting them for bach parties because I trust him to just watch the show and turn down any "extras" that might come his way - If I didn't I probably wouldn't let him out of the house. Link to post Share on other sites
angelsword Posted December 28, 2012 Share Posted December 28, 2012 Im sorry but i don't think anyone has to "be okay" with strip clubs regardless of the situation. If they make you uncomfortable (and i dont blame you) tell him so. I dont think women should have to suck it up and be okay with naked women touching there spouses. Why is this a rite of passage and why is it okay in america for everything to be sexualized women? I do not think your a prude at all. Strip clubs are gross and often full of drug addicts. I do not see the appeal on paying some women to show you her body. If thats what you are into and your spouse is okay with it, then fine. but im tired of women being pressured into being okay with strip places, porn, hookers, ect. Its not okay for women to be put in these situations and expected to act a certain way. If we are not comfortable with this then we should be able to say it and not be labeled a prude or a bitch. end of story. Link to post Share on other sites
sabre80 Posted January 22, 2013 Share Posted January 22, 2013 We both are Asians and strip clubs are not really part of the norm here, though he spent 10 years in the US and thinks they are harmless. UHHHH WHAT?!?!?!? What part of Asia are you from? I spent 8 years in the Army. 4 of those years were in Asia. No strip club in the states can compare to the **** I saw in asian strip clubs. Link to post Share on other sites
pbjbear Posted February 19, 2013 Share Posted February 19, 2013 Bachelor parties with strippers are a tradition of sorts. So many grooms have them and they still become very good husbands. It is almost like a rite of passage. It is worrysome that your fiance did not tell you about cheating on his ex. He could be hiding other questionable past behavior. Hate to be a damper on this thread but I actually have 2 friends that were strippers. I live in NYC. They arent bad girls and they are not weirdos, but they did it for about a year because they needed $ desperately and now they have normal jobs They told me to never trust a guy with a stripper. They told me all these stories and said a lot of men due to peer pressure and opportunity cheated on their fiances with strippers on a whim and their friends covered for them. Men feel entitled to one last **** before they get "tied down" in their mind...sorry but it is what it is and this is the type of society we live in today. I told my friends Id like to think Id trust my fiance if I had one but they said after seeing all that they saw they dont trust men the majority of the time. He may say he wouldnt cheat but many men wont turn down the opportunity if presented. Very men today lack that level of self control Add this to the fact that he cheated with his ex...huge red flag to me unless he did it while pretty young. If hes so honest and bad at lying I must ask, does his ex know he cheated?? If she doesnt your sentence about him being honest is worthless Link to post Share on other sites
pbjbear Posted February 19, 2013 Share Posted February 19, 2013 (edited) Im sorry but i don't think anyone has to "be okay" with strip clubs regardless of the situation. If they make you uncomfortable (and i dont blame you) tell him so. I dont think women should have to suck it up and be okay with naked women touching there spouses. Why is this a rite of passage and why is it okay in america for everything to be sexualized women? I do not think your a prude at all. Strip clubs are gross and often full of drug addicts. I do not see the appeal on paying some women to show you her body. If thats what you are into and your spouse is okay with it, then fine. but im tired of women being pressured into being okay with strip places, porn, hookers, ect. Its not okay for women to be put in these situations and expected to act a certain way. If we are not comfortable with this then we should be able to say it and not be labeled a prude or a bitch. end of story. Men feel entitled to this sort of thing and women are usually just sexual commodities to them. Truth. Sorry if its thats harsh but I tell it how it is. Most men will call any woman not okay with this situation a prude or insecure. Its always deflected back onto the woman and never seen as an issue with men Men get a free pass to go out and act like childish pigs and us women are supposed to just roll over and accept it, thats how things work in our society Edited February 19, 2013 by pbjbear Link to post Share on other sites
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