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Fiance's ex-girlfriend died..


NamelessAria

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My fiance's ex-girlfriend that he had dated just before me for about 4 years just passed away a few days ago. I've been trying very hard to be as supportive and comforting as possible despite it being his ex. I encouraged him to go to the funeral and offered to go with him. I've sat and talked with him about everything and tried my best to say all the right things to make the grieving process as easy as possible.

 

Obviously it is always a tragedy when someone dies especially when they were young with their life ahead of him. This girl was only in her 20s with so much life left to live making the whole situation very sad. I can only imagine what her family is going through right now.

 

However that being said, it is my fiance's ex and as much as I have been trying NOT to let that bother me... it does. The other night he was crying saying how maybe if he had stayed with her things would have been different (it was a suicide) and maybe she should still be alive. Somehow, it is difficult for me to watch him be SO upset over his ex and hearing stuff like that just unsettled me a little. I know sadness is the normal human response to death and I do not blame him in any way for how he feels or how he is handling the situation. I know this is not about me... but I can't help having thoughts creep into my mind about how I'm strangely uncomfortable. I feel like I shouldn't be having these thoughts and like it somehow makes me a bad person.

 

I tried to talk to my fiance about how I feel and I was hoping that he would understand that this isn't the easiest thing for me. He got incredibly upset with me and insisted that I'm being a terrible soul-less person. I already felt horrible about having these thoughts and feelings and I've been doing my best up till now to hide them from my fiance so he can focus on dealing with everything without having to worry about how I feel also. I feel like something is wrong with me that it keeps crossing my mind how I'm upset over everything... almost jealous. As bad as I already felt about myself after I talked to him about it I feel 100x worse. He snapped at me saying how "a few guys I new a couple of years back called me when they heard, to make sure that I'm okay. They did a better job being supportive and comforting than you have." I feel like a huge failure in my role to help him through the hard times in life. I feel like some kind of monster.

 

I don't have anyone to talk to about any of this. I don't have any friends or family to talk to - just my fiance. I don't feel like I can talk about any of this with him now after how he reacted. I can't stand the thought of somehow making everything more difficult for him. He doesn't need me dumping my petty issues on him when he already has enough to deal with. I just needed to tell someone and get everything off my chest.

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Remember, this isn't about you and him. This is about his pain of losing someone he cared for and loved. Part of his past. Try your best not to feel threatened by it.

 

You know she didn't commit suicide because of him, she obviously was having problems and had so for a while and probably suffered some form of depression/mental illness. Just love and support him as much as you can and again, really try to see that this has nothing to do about how he feels about you and what you two share.

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Having had a family member commit suicide recently I can sympathize... When this happens people act completely out of their element. Just support your fiancé and be there for him no matter what. He may blame himself, feel bad he didn't stay in touch, be angry this person did this and left him feeling this way--honestly the feelings could go on forever. Just support your fiance in whatever he feels as that's all he needs. It's so hard but it will get better.

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I don't think you're a bad person for feeling how you feel. And yes, I would be supportive, but if he is still like this a couple of weeks now, I don't know that I would stick around. No one deserves to be treated like you were by the person they're planning on marrying.

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MI tried to talk to my fiance about how I feel and I was hoping that he would understand that this isn't the easiest thing for me.

 

This isn't the time for that.

 

Right now, it needs to be all about him.

 

There's a lot that comes up when someone dies. Wondering if you could have done something to prevent it is one of those things. Going back over everything you went through with them in your mind is another. Dealing with your own mortality and how everyone you know will eventually die is another.

 

You need to detach yourself a little right now. Your role in your relationship right now is to be a shoulder and support for him. That's it. Your needs go on the back burner, and your feelings about what he's going through are shelved for now.

 

Soon enough, he'll start getting back to normal. THEN you can talk to him about your feelings, and get reassurance that he wants to be with you, and not wishing he was still with his ex.

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  • 2 weeks later...

OP, he might also be upset because to some degree he feels that he caused it.

Look up survivor's guilt.

 

You don't mention how long the two of you have been together, how long ago they broke up ... etc.

Weather or not she threatened with suicide while they were together.

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My fiance's ex-girlfriend that he had dated just before me for about 4 years just passed away a few days ago. I've been trying very hard to be as supportive and comforting as possible despite it being his ex. I encouraged him to go to the funeral and offered to go with him. I've sat and talked with him about everything and tried my best to say all the right things to make the grieving process as easy as possible.

 

Obviously it is always a tragedy when someone dies especially when they were young with their life ahead of him. This girl was only in her 20s with so much life left to live making the whole situation very sad. I can only imagine what her family is going through right now.

 

However that being said, it is my fiance's ex and as much as I have been trying NOT to let that bother me... it does. The other night he was crying saying how maybe if he had stayed with her things would have been different (it was a suicide) and maybe she should still be alive. Somehow, it is difficult for me to watch him be SO upset over his ex and hearing stuff like that just unsettled me a little. I know sadness is the normal human response to death and I do not blame him in any way for how he feels or how he is handling the situation. I know this is not about me... but I can't help having thoughts creep into my mind about how I'm strangely uncomfortable. I feel like I shouldn't be having these thoughts and like it somehow makes me a bad person.

 

I tried to talk to my fiance about how I feel and I was hoping that he would understand that this isn't the easiest thing for me. He got incredibly upset with me and insisted that I'm being a terrible soul-less person. I already felt horrible about having these thoughts and feelings and I've been doing my best up till now to hide them from my fiance so he can focus on dealing with everything without having to worry about how I feel also. I feel like something is wrong with me that it keeps crossing my mind how I'm upset over everything... almost jealous. As bad as I already felt about myself after I talked to him about it I feel 100x worse. He snapped at me saying how "a few guys I new a couple of years back called me when they heard, to make sure that I'm okay. They did a better job being supportive and comforting than you have." I feel like a huge failure in my role to help him through the hard times in life. I feel like some kind of monster.

 

I don't have anyone to talk to about any of this. I don't have any friends or family to talk to - just my fiance. I don't feel like I can talk about any of this with him now after how he reacted. I can't stand the thought of somehow making everything more difficult for him. He doesn't need me dumping my petty issues on him when he already has enough to deal with. I just needed to tell someone and get everything off my chest.

 

I have a lot of sympathy for everyone involved in this situation. My condolences all around. That said... when you tried to express your feelings to him, his response was anger? I think more information on this aspect would be very helpful.

 

In my opinion, his grief is merited... but it's not entirely your burden. You are his current lover -- that demands a certain degree of consideration. Asking you to be his singular source of comfort, even though the situation is tragic, is a little above and beyond what would make any woman comfortable. You can listen to a degree, but after a while, I think it would be a bit over the top. Your feelings still matter, even if his grief and discomfort "trump" yours, so to speak.

 

Can he find a counselor to talk to about this at length?

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  • 1 month later...

This is survivors guilt. It's very common and its going to take him some time to get through it. This was his ex, and no matter what happened in the relationship, he is mourning her. Allow it, and don't take it personal.

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I would be supportive, but if he is still like this a couple of weeks now, I don't know that I would stick around.

 

What is the time limit for mourning a loved one?

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  • 3 weeks later...
  • 2 weeks later...
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Wow, this is a really tough situation.

 

I think the way you're feeling is totally valid and human -- I'd feel the same way. But I think for a while, you probably just need to keep a lid on it, as hard as it may be. Don't express anger or jealousy. It will only push your fiancee away, and add more confusing emotions to the mix he's already feeling.

 

Your fiancee needs time and space for grieving. It absolutely sucks that this tragedy has caused a wedge in your relationship, but if your love is strong (which it must be, if you guys are planning on marriage) it will endure this. You're already facing the "through better or worse" vow of marriage.

 

But I'll add -- if this dynamic exists between you two for over a month or two, it'll be time to step in and be more confrontational.

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