strongnrelaxed Posted October 2, 2012 Share Posted October 2, 2012 I have read a number of posts here and elsewhere indicating that a man felt pressure - from his woman, family, church, etc. to get married. I have read this a LOT. In fact, this is the stuff of comedy movies going back forever. So men - how many of you felt at least some amount of pressure to get married? And, did you actually get married? Link to post Share on other sites
samsungxoxo Posted October 3, 2012 Share Posted October 3, 2012 Not a man but isn't this also the woman's fault for knowing he's not on the same page but still sticking around? The big mistake the woman can make is moving in together and thinking that because he offered her that ''trial'', assume it will lead to further commitment (engagement) esp. when the future hasn't even been discussed clearly and there is no boundaries set. So what you have is the typical ''forever gf for years aka house playing'' because she let it happen. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted October 4, 2012 Share Posted October 4, 2012 (edited) Not a man either, but do know women in real life as well as popular portrayal who believe it is their duty to squeeze marriage out of a man. Was talking to a woman I met at a graduate student conference, PhD candidate, very smart (to show that all kinds of women, professional and otherwise believe this) and she was discussing her aunt's tips about relationships and how "marriages don't just happen" and how women have to spearhead the marriage "project" . I told her frankly that I personally didn't subscribe to that philosophy, but I know it is a common conception. I for one will not be scheming or chasing a man down bent on getting him to marry me. I ALWAYS cringe at the topics that come up about "dropping hints" or they asked their guy a thousand times, or he keeps putting it off, the ultimatums etc...it's all insane to me. I only want to marry a man who wants to marry me...period. That is,it's not due to my pressure or other pressure, but because of his own volition AND desire, he feels as though he wants to make that commitment and wants to gladly be my husband and me his wife. Such a man won't need to be coerced and chased but will bring it up of his own accord. I do eventually want to marry and therefore in choosing serious relationships, I at least need to know where a man stands on that; i.e., is he the marrying type? Does he want to get married? (among my other criteria). I'm not going to get seriously involved or worse move in with any man that doesn't feel the same as I do about it. The problem is women meeting men, attempting to bag them, not being truthful about what they want (pretending casual is ok or him never wanting to marry) or not listening to what the man says he wants or what he DOESN'T say...then believing that by some magic they will change his mind about it and so the pressure ensues.... I'm not down for that and don't know how anyone could be comfortable even if they did finally get a proposal out of a reluctant person Edited October 4, 2012 by MissBee 3 Link to post Share on other sites
thembones Posted October 5, 2012 Share Posted October 5, 2012 My ex pressured me all the time just to get engaged. I really wanted to spend my life with her, but just was not ready to be engaged yet. By the end, I was ready but scared. It ended up being the grand reason that she left me, because we did not get engaged fast enough. But yes, there was a ton of pressure. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SensitiveTJ Posted October 5, 2012 Share Posted October 5, 2012 I experience great pressure to marry while I was in a LTR, from the girl. Strangely enough the pressure increased as the relationship went south. I eventually ended up breaking it off, and she immediately left for someone else. Obviously, she had this other guy lined up long before I called it quits on us. My ex-gf ended up getting married to this guy about a year later. Then, in another six months, they divorced. All in all, a peculiar tale, to say the least. I don't miss her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted October 5, 2012 Share Posted October 5, 2012 I forced my husband to marry me. He has no free will of his own. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Pyro Posted October 5, 2012 Share Posted October 5, 2012 My wife pushed me down to one knee and wouldn't let me up until I proposed. Then she grabbed me by the nuts and pulled me down to the jewelry store and stole my credit card and picked out a ring. Then she held a gun to my head at the wedding ceremony and made me say 'I do'. Of course she ripped up the prenup that I presented to her. 13 Link to post Share on other sites
january2011 Posted October 5, 2012 Share Posted October 5, 2012 My wife pushed me down to one knee and wouldn't let me up until I proposed. Then she grabbed me by the nuts and pulled me down to the jewelry store and stole my credit card and picked out a ring. Then she held a gun to my head at the wedding ceremony and made me say 'I do'. Of course she ripped up the prenup that I presented to her. All that for a green card and citizenship. I think there's a researcher called John Gottman who has done extensive research on how men and women end up getting married. I can't remember the statistics exactly, but I think that in the majority of cases, the woman initiated and "made it known" that she wanted to get married with lots of hints. As to being "forced." Not sure about that one. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted October 5, 2012 Share Posted October 5, 2012 You guys are lucky. Italian men marry because their GFs mysteriously become pregnant. Wow, how did that happen?! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CarboniteCammy Posted October 5, 2012 Share Posted October 5, 2012 (edited) I was the one pressured to marry in my relationship, and I should have been stronger and not done it. I got married when I was 8 months pregnant due to parental pressure and pressure from my then fiance to "do the right thing." I honestly felt at the time that because I had made the mistake of getting pregnant out of wedlock, that I deserved the punishment of getting married to someone I'm not madly in love with. Don't get me wrong, my husband is a good guy. He always wants to do the right thing, but I'm not the love of his life, either. In fact, when we met, he was still really into his ex girlfriend and still pretty much at her beck and call. It wasn't until I got knocked up (and yes, I admit we weren't being as careful as we could have been) that he even mentioned wanting something long term. My mom tells me to stop whining because my life "isn't that bad." Edited October 5, 2012 by CarboniteCammy Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted October 5, 2012 Share Posted October 5, 2012 My last ex was pressured by his family and he let me know. I ran to the hills. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author strongnrelaxed Posted October 5, 2012 Author Share Posted October 5, 2012 I forced my husband to marry me. He has no free will of his own. Hey sweetie. How are all of your cats? Link to post Share on other sites
Author strongnrelaxed Posted October 5, 2012 Author Share Posted October 5, 2012 My wife pushed me down to one knee and wouldn't let me up until I proposed. Then she grabbed me by the nuts and pulled me down to the jewelry store and stole my credit card and picked out a ring. Then she held a gun to my head at the wedding ceremony and made me say 'I do'. Of course she ripped up the prenup that I presented to her. Nice! I bet she never complains or nags you either. And I bet you are free to be 100% honest with her. I bet you have a lot of male friends and are free to socialize when and how and with whomever you choose. Be honest - the suspense is killing me. Does she have a sister? Link to post Share on other sites
Author strongnrelaxed Posted October 5, 2012 Author Share Posted October 5, 2012 I forced my husband to marry me. He has no free will of his own. I wonder if readers consider how sarcastic responses to this sort of post demeans and ridicules the honest posts and responses by others. Just wondering. Link to post Share on other sites
MilitantPacifist Posted October 5, 2012 Share Posted October 5, 2012 I forced my husband to marry me. He has no free will of his own. Lol. You either have a very low opinion of your husband, or you *really* enjoy benig the dom in that relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Titanwolf Posted October 5, 2012 Share Posted October 5, 2012 Lol. You either have a very low opinion of your husband, or you *really* enjoy benig the dom in that relationship. Lol I think she was being sarcastic. Link to post Share on other sites
RiverRunning Posted October 6, 2012 Share Posted October 6, 2012 To me, 'pressuring' a guy for marriage is: nagging him daily, picking out every single detail for your wedding and expecting him to foot the bill, wanting a very pricy ring and demanding it from him, not considering life circumstances that may be affecting his ability to propose, insulting him if he hasn't proposed, throwing temper tantrums and pouty fits often, etc. I have seen some examples of that here, but by and large I don't get the impression most women are doing that. As a society, we have basically told women to STFU and let men do the proposing. Many men still do not want to be proposed to, and a woman proposing still does seem to be seen as issuing an ultimatum in the U.S (or "pressuring" him or "forcing" him). I asked my boyfriend if he just wanted me to do it, and he told me no. I respected his wishes, but it was VERY difficult to sit back and wait for him to make up his friggin' mind. There were times I was very upset and very down - there were times I hid away by myself and let loose. There were times I brought it up with him and the conversation did start to get heated. I was very depressed about it: it was "sit back, be powerless, look pretty, and wait for him to decide you are worthy of marrying." Just as there are women who will nag the crap out of a guy to get him to marry her, there are also men who will talk the talk...and never get down to business. My fiancee was telling me he wanted to marry me, wanted to be with me forever, he was ready NOW (he has a great job, all other things in our lives were lined up), and yet...nothing. Imaginations run wild. After a while (keep in mind, we were together nearly 4 years before we were engaged) - I did start wondering, "Am I not good enough? What's wrong with me? Why isn't he proposing?" I couldn't blame a lack of a job, a lack of money, problems in the relationship. The problem in the relationship was that we weren't progressing, and I had no idea why. I exercised as much caution and diligence as I could in trying not to pressure him. There were a few times I cried in front of him about it. I felt he was wasting my time: "Sure, I'm ready to marry you and we will have kids...except I will not get around to making it happen, sorry." I'm not entirely opposed to kids outside of marriage, but it was an absolute no-no to him. I don't feel I pressured him, and unfortunately it seems like 'pressure' is now commonly labeled, "She brought up marriage at all, and I don't want to get married/don't feel like discussing it. Therefore, because she brings it up every now and then and asks what my stance is, she is pressuring me." I don't feel that's pressure. I feel it's a reasonable question about the status of the relationship and where it's going. And my honest feeling is still: if a guy feels that pressured, he needs to bail. There are women out there who will NOT pressure him, just as there are women out there who do not want marriage. But if he's been dating a woman for 3, 5, or 10 years, he has to expect that most are going to want marriage, and that desire is only going to heat up over time. You do not go ahead and get married under pressure. If it takes intense pressure to cajole you into getting married, do you actually love the woman? If you don't, why are you with her anyway? It eventually just blows up in your face anyway. My cousin grew up in an abusive household and moved in with her college boyfriend's family to have a roof over her head. His family pressured them to marry because they felt it was immoral. Less than 20 years later, he told her he hated her guts, he was never attracted to her, he never wanted to be with her, he married because his family said they had to...and they divorced. We are talking about adults here, is what it comes down to. If you are being pushed, you do not make a decision you know to be a poor one just to end the pushing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author strongnrelaxed Posted October 6, 2012 Author Share Posted October 6, 2012 (edited) To me, 'pressuring' a guy for marriage is: nagging him daily, picking out every single detail for your wedding and expecting him to foot the bill, wanting a very pricy ring and demanding it from him, not considering life circumstances that may be affecting his ability to propose, insulting him if he hasn't proposed, throwing temper tantrums and pouty fits often, etc. I have seen some examples of that here, but by and large I don't get the impression most women are doing that. As a society, we have basically told women to STFU and let men do the proposing. Many men still do not want to be proposed to, and a woman proposing still does seem to be seen as issuing an ultimatum in the U.S (or "pressuring" him or "forcing" him). I asked my boyfriend if he just wanted me to do it, and he told me no. I respected his wishes, but it was VERY difficult to sit back and wait for him to make up his friggin' mind. There were times I was very upset and very down - there were times I hid away by myself and let loose. There were times I brought it up with him and the conversation did start to get heated. I was very depressed about it: it was "sit back, be powerless, look pretty, and wait for him to decide you are worthy of marrying." Just as there are women who will nag the crap out of a guy to get him to marry her, there are also men who will talk the talk...and never get down to business. My fiancee was telling me he wanted to marry me, wanted to be with me forever, he was ready NOW (he has a great job, all other things in our lives were lined up), and yet...nothing. Imaginations run wild. After a while (keep in mind, we were together nearly 4 years before we were engaged) - I did start wondering, "Am I not good enough? What's wrong with me? Why isn't he proposing?" I couldn't blame a lack of a job, a lack of money, problems in the relationship. The problem in the relationship was that we weren't progressing, and I had no idea why. I exercised as much caution and diligence as I could in trying not to pressure him. There were a few times I cried in front of him about it. I felt he was wasting my time: "Sure, I'm ready to marry you and we will have kids...except I will not get around to making it happen, sorry." I'm not entirely opposed to kids outside of marriage, but it was an absolute no-no to him. I don't feel I pressured him, and unfortunately it seems like 'pressure' is now commonly labeled, "She brought up marriage at all, and I don't want to get married/don't feel like discussing it. Therefore, because she brings it up every now and then and asks what my stance is, she is pressuring me." I don't feel that's pressure. I feel it's a reasonable question about the status of the relationship and where it's going. And my honest feeling is still: if a guy feels that pressured, he needs to bail. There are women out there who will NOT pressure him, just as there are women out there who do not want marriage. But if he's been dating a woman for 3, 5, or 10 years, he has to expect that most are going to want marriage, and that desire is only going to heat up over time. You do not go ahead and get married under pressure. If it takes intense pressure to cajole you into getting married, do you actually love the woman? If you don't, why are you with her anyway? It eventually just blows up in your face anyway. My cousin grew up in an abusive household and moved in with her college boyfriend's family to have a roof over her head. His family pressured them to marry because they felt it was immoral. Less than 20 years later, he told her he hated her guts, he was never attracted to her, he never wanted to be with her, he married because his family said they had to...and they divorced. We are talking about adults here, is what it comes down to. If you are being pushed, you do not make a decision you know to be a poor one just to end the pushing. Thank you for sharing this. I agree - who knows how many of the abusive households are the result of pressures to marry when it is not right for either or both parties. What you describes is most certainly a form of pressure. Sure, it is less pressure than the worst cases, but crying and bringing it up more than once is pressure. When my son asks me 15 times for a piece of candy, it drives me nuts. What is is trying to do is to ask me over and over in an attempt to wear me down - or in the hopes that I will randomly change my mind. Either way, it is a pressure tactic. Just because YOU don't think it is pressure does not mean HE doesn't. This is the whole point of this thread. My big question is why you would ever ask him to do this to begin with? You seemed happy before all of this marriage crap. Why did you ruin that? I am being serious and mean no disrespect. This is a very important question because your story plays out millions of times a year in the US (According to the CDC - ironically this is the center for DISEASE control). So this has major implications. I am holding back my anger. So many women are so self righteous about THEIR desire to get married. The emotional pressures they put on men are abusive and irresponsible. And to call this out gets only ridicule and attacks. Edited October 24, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator removed inflammatory sentence Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted October 6, 2012 Share Posted October 6, 2012 Lol. You either have a very low opinion of your husband, or you *really* enjoy benig the dom in that relationship. No, I love him dearly. That's why I tied him up, gagged him, and dragged him to the altar. He thanks me every day. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Anela Posted October 6, 2012 Share Posted October 6, 2012 Be honest - the suspense is killing me. Does she have a sister? You didn't get the memo? We're all alike. Sisters in sexism. Link to post Share on other sites
threebyfate Posted October 6, 2012 Share Posted October 6, 2012 Another who forced her husband to marry by forcing him to shockingly propose on Valentine's Day, 6 weeks+ after our first date. Worse yet, magically made my patch birth control not work so I could become pregnant while engaged. These magical abilities forced him to the altar. He didn't stand a chance against my coercive wizardry. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted October 6, 2012 Share Posted October 6, 2012 Imagine if you were to complain about rape and a bunch of men chastised you for DARING to speak ill of rape. Imagine how bizarre that would be. That is how this looks to me when a man challenges marriage and women attack the man. It is bizarre indeed. What's bizarre is a person comparing marriage and rape. Anyone who gets married in our culture does so voluntarily. There are not victims. Rape victims are not volunteers. If this wasn't so ludicrous I'd be deeply offended on behalf of all victims of violent crimes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LadyGrey Posted October 6, 2012 Share Posted October 6, 2012 Thank you for sharing this. I agree - who knows how many of the abusive households are the result of pressures to marry when it is not right for either or both parties. That above comment stood out like a sore thumb and I thought wtf! You equate abuse being caused by pressure to marry? Damn! Excuse me while I go . Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted October 6, 2012 Share Posted October 6, 2012 Hey sweetie. How are all of your cats? They're great! Especially cool that my husband found The General, our barn cat that had disappeared, hunting down by the blackberry patch last week. That made us happy. And how about you? How's that "sugarbaby" thing working out for you? Link to post Share on other sites
LadyGrey Posted October 6, 2012 Share Posted October 6, 2012 OMG......I missed that one, I got stuck on what he said about abuse being caused by pressure to marry.:mad: Now I have to go again. Damn! What's bizarre is a person comparing marriage and rape. Anyone who gets married in our culture does so voluntarily. There are not victims. Rape victims are not volunteers. If this wasn't so ludicrous I'd be deeply offended on behalf of all victims of violent crimes. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts