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I love sex. i love my bf. i hate sex w/my bf.


Hootiehoo

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Would you marry a guy that you have no sexual attraction/chemistry with?

 

even though you have a 6yr history together with 2 kids?

 

and he is your best friend in every OTHER way?

 

BUT having sex with him is cold/boring/just not your style ... never has been, never will be.

 

To marry or not to marry........... that is the question.

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strongnrelaxed

The question in my mind is why would you even think about marrying him?

 

Clearly you should not marry him knowing that you do not click sexually. Does he feel the same way?

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Wouldn't the better time to explore this issue have been before having two kids with this man? I know it's too late now, but I wonder why you didn't.

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Marriage is a business contract. Two shared kids, what does the business contract gain you? Not sure why you so firmly believe the man cannot learn sex as you prefer it.

 

Why the two kids? Seems an odd decision for a man you lack chemistry with.

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No but I wouldn't have lasted 6 mos with the guy, much less 2 children and 6 YEARS!!!

 

After 6 years and 2 kids, yeah I might try to make it work. I wouldn't have gotten myself into that situation, which is clearly moot for you, so...well, does he like sex with you? Do you both agree your sex life sucks? I don't see how marriage is a good idea, it will likely end in divorce.

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Would you marry a guy that you have no sexual attraction/chemistry with?

 

even though you have a 6yr history together with 2 kids?

 

and he is your best friend in every OTHER way?

 

BUT having sex with him is cold/boring/just not your style ... never has been, never will be.

 

To marry or not to marry........... that is the question.

I'm going to approach this from a slightly different angle... When you decided to have the two kids with him, were you thinking that cemented your relationship as a committed relationship, or are they pretty much your own kids, with him as the sperm donor?

 

I guess what I'm getting to is, I can't imagine you just now woke up to your lack of chemistry and sexual attraction, so there must be a whole list of positives in this relationship, that did attract you to stay with him for 6 years and to make the commitment to raise 2 new human beings, right?

 

Has something changed so that those positives are no longer enough to stay with him long term?

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Initially we hit it off and i thought i was attracted to him because i had never felt a real connection with anyone yet. He is funny, smart, charismatic, charming, & so strong in his opinions that you think hes this great powerful guy. It wasnt until 4yrs later when we decided to separate (which lasted a year) that i ended up dating someone else who i had alot of chemistry with, then i realized what im supposed to be feeling... I realized that all that passion you see in movies can be real...

 

But he loves our sex life, he wouldnt change a thing. Ive tried switching it up so its more my style and he literally starts to go soft. We just have different tastes and im always trying to make him happy so i end up just going with it. But if its not straight to the point and rough crazy porn style then hes not into it.

 

My reason for marrying him would be to keep the family together.. Im putting my kids first which is what i should be doing but i just wonder if im one day going to regret staying like this. Its hard being a single mom and im really trying to make it work but i cant shake this feeling.

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If you dated someone else that you had all of the chemistry with, why did you stop dating him? If you stay with your bf, you will be miserable, and then your kids will be miserable, and your bf will be too. No need to keep the family together, your kids will survive with a stepfather that you are more into.

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Dreamless Sleep

It's nice to think of the family. Thinking of the family may also make you consider NOT marrying him. At least for me, sexual chemistry is important. The relationship will likely breakdown as this fundamental base of a marriage is so flawed. In the long (maybe short) term it seems doomed.

 

Not easy to move on from a partner who you share children and many other common beliefs and interests. There is pain in either direction.

 

Good luck. It seems as if you really know the answer.

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Ok, I haven't followed every single detail you've said in this thread or the other thread but I'll post my opinion. You can take it for what it’s worth. This kind of thing really bothers me, so here it is:

 

I think you need to realize what you have, communicate better, and he needs to compromise more. Say what you want about how you've tried, but if you are with someone 6 years and they don't know you don't like to have sex with them, you are not communicating right. You need to not just have sex with him to make him happy and then give him the impression that you liked it. I mean seriously, does that seem like it will work at all?

 

The whole thing sounds like immaturity. Go chase all these guys you’re “attracted” to and see what happens. The will be attractive to you till they’re not new and there is an actual long term thing going on. Once there’s work in the relationship, you will go through this all again. It sounds like you are letting all these issues bother you with this guy, making him not seem as sexually attractive to you, while you continue to act like everything is ok. It’s not ok, but that doesn’t mean you should just leave without him even having an opportunity to work on things with you.

 

The communication thing probably goes a lot further than just sex. You probably live day to day life with this guy, and things bother you. You let them go, and then you start building up resentment – in life and sex. I think the problem might be you here. You need to learn how to communicate, address problems, and work through things.

 

Address the issues that are causing these problems between you two. Maybe there is nothing you can do to fix it, but there might be. You won't know unless you really try, and really trying is not going 6 years faking having a good time. You can give up, but it sounds like you really love the guy, he is attractive, and you have a family, so I'd try to fix it first. I mean he doesn't even know anything’s wrong. I think you owe it to yourself, your family, and him to try.

 

I think you're thinking too much, not communicating enough.

 

Actually open up to him and tell him what you like, how you like it, and say you are not satisfied with no effort to satisfy you by doing it how you like it sometimes. I know you said you told him and you just like different things. But if he really loved you and didn't want to lose you, he'd slow it down for you. It doesn't even register to him if you haven't even told him you don't like sex with him yet. But still do a little give and take. It would be nice if you actually got turned on by how much he is enjoying you, but you probably don't think that way.

 

Try more foreplay. Take your time.

 

If you are having problems because you're not attracted:

 

-Stop thinking so much. Don't sit here and say I'm not attracted, then go have sex. Don't dwell on not being attracted. Because you may just not be attracted to the way things have been, which he's clueless that there is a problem. Be open to learning more about each other and your sex life.

 

-About you saying not attracted but still love him and all that other stuff and hes attractive: I take that as you are too immature to realize how great you have it. You do not really know what true love is. Where you appreciate each other and what you share on a deep level. If you truly had a great amount of love and respect for everything, you'd realize how great you have it, and in turn be turned on to have sex more. But instead you probably are attracted to people that don't mean anything to you because you have a shallow view on what’s attractive – what’s exciting. Think about how much you love him, how great he is with your family, how much of a man he is to you. Don't sit here and dwell on how much you aren't attracted to them too. Appreciate him and you probably will want him more.

 

Maybe you two need more time apart. I think you are taking for granted what you have. Why do you think there are so many girls with gigs that say they aren't in love with you, then come back hard after they realize what they've lost. Because they appreciate what they had. They say they aren't IN love anymore. That they aren't sexually attracted. Then somehow that all changes after time apart. You sound like you still need to go through that, because what you have probably is great.

 

You're probably not going to have in the movies sex all the time with someone in a long term relationship if you can't communicate your sexual needs and desires. You probably have so much fun with these sexual encounters because there's not any of the other bs to go with it, and its new and exciting. This will especially be the case because if you can’t communicate this, you probably can’t communicate other things. And if you are letting other things bother you, you probably are going to stop wanting to have sex with him.

 

That's my opinion. I'm a guy, so maybe I'm biased. Because any attractive girl that I loved and had a family with, I'd be wanting to have sex with all the time as long as they didn't suck at it and I loved sex. And if they sucked at it, I would still be open to working through the issues, communicating, and learning. So I just don't understand. Maybe females are different when it comes to this. You've probably already made up your mind and will do whatever you really want after finding some type of justification to your actions. And to be honest, I think you'll regret it if you leave this guy. But you won't ever learn you'll regret it until you do.

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I'd like to know what you want to try that makes him go soft. As a guy with a healthy sex drive....I like seeing the freak flag fly. So this seems odd to me.

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I can certainly empathize with your situation, especially when you find a partner that you do click with in bed.

 

As has been mentioned you probably wouldn't be happy in a marriage with bad sexual chemistry, I know I am not. However, if you are family oriented and want your children to know their father, and he wants to be the father, see if you can fix the sex. He if has erection issues because your a freak in bed, get him some Viagra and Cialas and commit to having it your way some and his way some. I would also ask him to get his testosterone levels checked. I will say that it is mostly a futile effort hoping to change an adults sexual interest. Good luck to you.

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But he loves our sex life, he wouldnt change a thing. Ive tried switching it up so its more my style and he literally starts to go soft. We just have different tastes and im always trying to make him happy so i end up just going with it. But if its not straight to the point and rough crazy porn style then hes not into it.

 

 

Would you really start to feel more attraction/chemistry if the sex was better? My suspicion is you wouldn't, but if you think better sex would make a difference try talking to him about this. If you've tried having a conversation about what you need in the bedroom and he's ignored it, stop having sex with him. Why are you going along with sex you don't enjoy?

 

I suspect he’ll become more accommodating to your sexual needs if you quit doing it his way (or any way, for that matter).

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To secure access to his assets for decades to come, by marrying him for a while she hopes to increase the level of access by eventually getting court mandated th.. spousal support.

 

You have no idea what you're talking about. My bank account has ALOT more zeros on it than his does, and I'm a very successful and independant woman. When we weren't together for that year, I never once got child support, because he didn't even have a job. So ... I could have screwed him over and thrown him under the bus tenfold if I was a cold heartless bitch trying to get some type of benefits.

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Alot of good points here to be considered.... Aside from *one* maybe... but I need to let all of this sink in for a little bit before I can go on with this thread, alot to process here. Thanks everyone :)

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  • 3 weeks later...
Daniel V. Ross

You are the who can decide about this matter. You must consider also the feelings of your kids before making a decision.

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The way I see it, maintaining sexual intimacy is something to which both partners have to commit. It sounds like you've tried to spice things up and hit a wall. What I infer from the post where you describe his sexual style, is that perhaps what you're missing is a sense of more intimate connection. (Correct me if I'm wrong).

 

If that is the case, I'm wondering if there are things that you both could do outside of the bedroom to make you feel close and sexual inside of the bedroom. For instance, I like when, while at a party, my (currently non-existant) partner and I share inside jokes and he makes me feel like I'm the only one in the room.

 

Or, put another way... Is part of your issue that there is a lack of romance in your relationship? Could the issue be that you two are best friends in real life and porn stars in the bedroom and you would like it to be more seamless?

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Would you marry a guy that you have no sexual attraction/chemistry with?

 

even though you have a 6yr history together with 2 kids?

 

and he is your best friend in every OTHER way?

 

BUT having sex with him is cold/boring/just not your style ... never has been, never will be.

 

To marry or not to marry........... that is the question.

 

To NOT marry.

 

Set your bf free or you will end up hurting him.

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I agree with everyone saying don't marry. Only if you fix what's wrong should you even start to think about it, IMO.

 

But he loves our sex life, he wouldnt change a thing. Ive tried switching it up so its more my style and he literally starts to go soft. We just have different tastes and im always trying to make him happy so i end up just going with it. But if its not straight to the point and rough crazy porn style then hes not into it.

 

I hear some alarm bells. Does he use porn? How often? You didn't share much, but what you wrote sounds like porn/masturbation induced ED. I'm guessing your style is slower and softer. If he's got death grip syndrome, slower/softer will make him lose it and go limp. If you want to look into this possibility, google porn induced ED and read up.

 

If that's not it, then you're just simply incompatible, really.

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Would you marry a guy that you have no sexual attraction/chemistry with?

 

I don't think it's smart to group sexual attraction with chemistry because it's possible to have one without the other.

 

even though you have a 6yr history together with 2 kids?

 

You lasted six years and had two children with a man you had no sexual attraction and/or chemistry with? I find that a little hard to believe. You must've found something charming about him.

 

and he is your best friend in every OTHER way?

 

If he's there for you in "every other way" then I don't see the issue. Lack of libido can always be re-gained.

 

BUT having sex with him is cold/boring/just not your style ... never has been, never will be.

 

And it took you six years and two children to realize this?

 

I'm starting to think the problem is not that he's boring in bed but that you've become difficult to please over the years.

 

To marry or not to marry........... that is the question.

 

I think before you can answer that question, you need to ask yourself a series of other questions: Why get married in the first place? Was it the sex that kept you two together for six years or something deeper? How are your children going to be affected?

 

Sex should not be what decides whether to marry or not when there are many other factors to consider.

Edited by Mateo A.
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  • 2 weeks later...
Would you marry a guy that you have no sexual attraction/chemistry with?

 

even though you have a 6yr history together with 2 kids?

 

and he is your best friend in every OTHER way?

 

BUT having sex with him is cold/boring/just not your style ... never has been, never will be.

 

To marry or not to marry........... that is the question.

 

You have to make the final decision...

 

But as a woman who just came out of a similar situation ...

 

If you have tried to work with him sexually and if there are no other underlying issues I would have to say- don't do it.

 

Sex is obviously important to you, if it weren't you wouldn't have taken the time to post here...

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  • 4 weeks later...
Ok, I haven't followed every single detail you've said in this thread or the other thread but I'll post my opinion. You can take it for what it’s worth. This kind of thing really bothers me, so here it is:

 

I think you need to realize what you have, communicate better, and he needs to compromise more. Say what you want about how you've tried, but if you are with someone 6 years and they don't know you don't like to have sex with them, you are not communicating right. You need to not just have sex with him to make him happy and then give him the impression that you liked it. I mean seriously, does that seem like it will work at all?

 

The whole thing sounds like immaturity. Go chase all these guys you’re “attracted” to and see what happens. The will be attractive to you till they’re not new and there is an actual long term thing going on. Once there’s work in the relationship, you will go through this all again. It sounds like you are letting all these issues bother you with this guy, making him not seem as sexually attractive to you, while you continue to act like everything is ok. It’s not ok, but that doesn’t mean you should just leave without him even having an opportunity to work on things with you.

 

The communication thing probably goes a lot further than just sex. You probably live day to day life with this guy, and things bother you. You let them go, and then you start building up resentment – in life and sex. I think the problem might be you here. You need to learn how to communicate, address problems, and work through things.

 

Address the issues that are causing these problems between you two. Maybe there is nothing you can do to fix it, but there might be. You won't know unless you really try, and really trying is not going 6 years faking having a good time. You can give up, but it sounds like you really love the guy, he is attractive, and you have a family, so I'd try to fix it first. I mean he doesn't even know anything’s wrong. I think you owe it to yourself, your family, and him to try.

 

I think you're thinking too much, not communicating enough.

 

Actually open up to him and tell him what you like, how you like it, and say you are not satisfied with no effort to satisfy you by doing it how you like it sometimes. I know you said you told him and you just like different things. But if he really loved you and didn't want to lose you, he'd slow it down for you. It doesn't even register to him if you haven't even told him you don't like sex with him yet. But still do a little give and take. It would be nice if you actually got turned on by how much he is enjoying you, but you probably don't think that way.

 

Try more foreplay. Take your time.

 

If you are having problems because you're not attracted:

 

-Stop thinking so much. Don't sit here and say I'm not attracted, then go have sex. Don't dwell on not being attracted. Because you may just not be attracted to the way things have been, which he's clueless that there is a problem. Be open to learning more about each other and your sex life.

 

-About you saying not attracted but still love him and all that other stuff and hes attractive: I take that as you are too immature to realize how great you have it. You do not really know what true love is. Where you appreciate each other and what you share on a deep level. If you truly had a great amount of love and respect for everything, you'd realize how great you have it, and in turn be turned on to have sex more. But instead you probably are attracted to people that don't mean anything to you because you have a shallow view on what’s attractive – what’s exciting. Think about how much you love him, how great he is with your family, how much of a man he is to you. Don't sit here and dwell on how much you aren't attracted to them too. Appreciate him and you probably will want him more.

 

Maybe you two need more time apart. I think you are taking for granted what you have. Why do you think there are so many girls with gigs that say they aren't in love with you, then come back hard after they realize what they've lost. Because they appreciate what they had. They say they aren't IN love anymore. That they aren't sexually attracted. Then somehow that all changes after time apart. You sound like you still need to go through that, because what you have probably is great.

 

You're probably not going to have in the movies sex all the time with someone in a long term relationship if you can't communicate your sexual needs and desires. You probably have so much fun with these sexual encounters because there's not any of the other bs to go with it, and its new and exciting. This will especially be the case because if you can’t communicate this, you probably can’t communicate other things. And if you are letting other things bother you, you probably are going to stop wanting to have sex with him.

 

That's my opinion. I'm a guy, so maybe I'm biased. Because any attractive girl that I loved and had a family with, I'd be wanting to have sex with all the time as long as they didn't suck at it and I loved sex. And if they sucked at it, I would still be open to working through the issues, communicating, and learning. So I just don't understand. Maybe females are different when it comes to this. You've probably already made up your mind and will do whatever you really want after finding some type of justification to your actions. And to be honest, I think you'll regret it if you leave this guy. But you won't ever learn you'll regret it until you do.

 

Very nice, perfect/... spot on..

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  • 3 weeks later...
Would you marry a guy that you have no sexual attraction/chemistry with?

 

even though you have a 6yr history together with 2 kids?

 

and he is your best friend in every OTHER way?

 

BUT having sex with him is cold/boring/just not your style ... never has been, never will be.

 

To marry or not to marry........... that is the question.

 

Is open marriage or polyamory an option on the table or not ?

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But he loves our sex life, he wouldnt change a thing. Ive tried switching it up so its more my style and he literally starts to go soft. We just have different tastes and im always trying to make him happy so i end up just going with it. But if its not straight to the point and rough crazy porn style then hes not into it.

 

Yikes! This is scary ... are you my wife? Yipers :0

 

Seriously though, lots of parallels in there for me (you're not her are you???)

 

Sex is really important in my view to the long term viability of a partnership. In my case, my wife just stopped having sex with me. At the time, everything else about the relationship was, in relative terms, pretty good, we hadn't been married for five minutes so I sort of put it down to that (bear in mind, I'm speaking with hindsight now).

 

Its communication in my view - I'm not talking about gentle subtle hints either. I'm just your average thick-headed guy, but I loved my wife - I just didn't 'get' what the problem was and misread it completely.

 

This then compounded over the years in combination with several other problems which popped up - individually probably quite surmountable, but together, along with a lack of intimacy, well, it developed into a real problem which, because I didn't deal with it early, then required me to be a mind-reader and of course, the rest from here is easy to guess.

 

Sounds to me like you have, probably, a really good relationship thats already lasted 6 odd years. The 7 year itch is real, be aware of it, but you've got to have a better than even odds chance if you can talk to your partner in an adult, frank way about your sex life.

 

Oh, and the 'going soft thing' - yep, been there, her style was really not my style, and because I didn't communicate with her effectively about that it caused a problem. Good comms and possibly compromise on both sides, along with... heck, maybe even a bit of directed couples therapy might have been all that was required.

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