Nicole86 Posted September 15, 2012 Share Posted September 15, 2012 Im 26 and have been dating my fiance for a 1½year, He is 32 and has an 8yo son from a previous relationship. Lately im starting to feel like i cant breathe with him as he can be very intense, if we are out with friends he will keep looking at me or if a guy casually talks to me and im being polite talking back he comes over to me pulls me away & accused me of flirting with the guy, When i tried to tell him wasn't he just stared into my eyes and told me to behave myself. We both have full time jobs & get home around the same time and when i get off the subway i just want a shower and to chill but as soon as i get home he is all over me coming up from behind me holding me telling me how much he missed me then he usually starts to feel me up which leads to sex, the other night after the guy was flirting with me when my fiance and i made love he started to slightly choke me, I got scared & asked him to stop. Its almost like i cant move but he is there and his hands are on me in some way. Yesterday i had a day off and woke up after he'd left for work, he came back home at lunch time saying couldn't stand the fact that he hadn't made love to me since the day before. I love him to death but he is driving me crazy lately. We mostly fight after we've been out with friends, He doesn't like when i dance with my girlfriends & says im putting on a show for other guys & acting like a slut, it gets very heated that i try to hurt him with words and he'll put he head level with mine and stare at me, I'll push him away from me, he'll push me against the wall & then he'll punch the wall and leave but when we cool off we love each other so much. We always had a pretty fiery relationship but i love him so much, My bff always says that we are two people who love each other but don't belong, we know how to push each others buttons. I have started seeing a therapist what she told me was that, it appears that he acts the way he does because he does not trust me (or other guys around me) and is wanting to let everyone know (especially in social situations) that i am "his." & with her help i see now how childish & stupid i was acting with pushing his buttons to get a reaction.. Any advice on what to do? Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted September 15, 2012 Share Posted September 15, 2012 Yes, in answer to your question, marrying this man will definitely be the worst mistake you could make. I'll be honest - he sounds obsessive and frankly, dangerous. I think there is violence waiting to happen. You should know better than to 'push his buttons' but really, his responses are over the top.... Engagement means marriage. Marriage means children. Do you want this man to be the father of your children, and have them potentially witness his potentially violent anger? I really think he needs anger management - but honestly - I would put all thought of engagement/marriage out of your mind. Link to post Share on other sites
seibert253 Posted September 15, 2012 Share Posted September 15, 2012 His controlling behavior and jealousy will only escallate if you marry him right now. Sounds like both of you have self esteem issues: He needs to control you to feel better about himself, you set him off so that he "proves" his love, then you feel better. But, as you see both of you have hurt and doubt because of this. Can this be fixed, maybe, but it's goona take work and commitment from both of you. Have the two of you just sat down and talked about how each other's actions are hurting your relationship? Try starting there, and I don't mean arguing, but having a calm, mature discussion. Another thing you may wish to explore is couples counseling. Link to post Share on other sites
Maple Syrup Posted September 15, 2012 Share Posted September 15, 2012 To answer your question, yes. He is an abuser. I urge you to please contact a domestic violence help line for advice, because you are very much at risk. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
LadyGrey Posted September 15, 2012 Share Posted September 15, 2012 Yes you will be making the biggest mistake of your life. He IS an abuser and he will escalate to punching you since he punches walls. Am I being abused? | womenshealth.gov Domestic Violence and Abuse: Signs of Abuse and Abusive Relationships Warning Signs of Abuse « Center For Relationship Abuse Awareness 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Maple Syrup Posted September 15, 2012 Share Posted September 15, 2012 He isn't close to starting the abuse - he has already started. he started to slightly choke me, I got scared & asked him to stop. Its almost like i cant move but he is there and his hands are on me in some way. Link to post Share on other sites
LadyGrey Posted September 16, 2012 Share Posted September 16, 2012 His controlling behavior and jealousy will only escallate if you marry him right now. Sounds like both of you have self esteem issues: He needs to control you to feel better about himself, you set him off so that he "proves" his love, then you feel better. But, as you see both of you have hurt and doubt because of this. Can this be fixed, maybe, but it's goona take work and commitment from both of you. Have the two of you just sat down and talked about how each other's actions are hurting your relationship? Try starting there, and I don't mean arguing, but having a calm, mature discussion. Another thing you may wish to explore is couples counseling. I couldn't more disagree..........a person should NEVER be advised to stay with an abuser. The only advice that is good is to run like the wind. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted September 16, 2012 Share Posted September 16, 2012 Op, sweetheart, this can't be easy to hear. I agree with the posters in this thread. My exSO was similar and it sapped 8yrs of my life, I was genuinely lucky to get out alive, and 3.5yrs after we split he hounds me and does everything within his power to intimidate and control me (we have financial issues being resolved). There are many places you will find support, here included, but please, please do not continue to accept this; don't make excuses for him, don't think he'll get better. Listen - if your best friend told you what you've told us I am SURE you'd be advising her to run from this guy ASAP, and that's what you need to do to. How are you feeling? What are your thoughts? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
soccerrprp Posted September 16, 2012 Share Posted September 16, 2012 I agree with everyone else here....get out. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted September 16, 2012 Share Posted September 16, 2012 Any advice on what to do? As I doubt you'll follow the advice to 'get out', I'll suggest a middle ground. Since you're engaged, make an appointment with a marital counselor for PMC and invite him along. Proceed from there. He has issues separate from your relationship but the relationship itself triggers him. If you had to identify one issue you contribute to the relationship dynamic, what would it be? As an example of examining a dynamic, you say he gets mad when you're out dancing with your girlfriends; do you dance with him? If so, how does that go? If not, why not? Would you say that your past relationships have been 'fiery'? Any commonalities? Welcome to LS Link to post Share on other sites
Mint Sauce Posted September 16, 2012 Share Posted September 16, 2012 Do you know why his previous relationship ended? After all, they had a son together... Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted September 16, 2012 Share Posted September 16, 2012 (edited) It sounds like you are acknowledging that something is wrong here, but hoping that there is a loophole, or that he can somehow "change" in order to stay with him. Personally, I feel that abusive men are very unlikely to change behavior, as they don't feel that they are doing anything wrong..also they question anyone who DOES suggest that they are at fault. Counseling is worth a shot though if you are hell bent in staying in the relationship. But as an answer to your original question, then yes I personally would recommend getting out of the relationship, marrying him would be a mistake. Edited September 16, 2012 by Lauriebell82 Link to post Share on other sites
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