my father told me his going to propose :/

[muffincake]

(am a girl) my boyfriend asked for my fathers hand in marriage as that is his tradition. my father told him that its completely up to me but welcomes him to family if i say yes.

my father told me as soon as i walked thought the door. yes am annoyed that he ruined my surprise proposal and i made that clear to him, but my main issue is that my father only did so because he assumes that my boyfriend of 3years will be unable to financially support me and he said that despite his great personality and love for me i will live a hard life with him and current economy. (im 20 his 26)

 

ive finish university next year (law degree) ill be qualified he's worked as a mechanic all his life but was made redundant when a company he worked for went bust. he has no saving and currently still living with family. he has had a few interviews and is constantly looking for a job. (not at all lazy, just unfortunate) i love him regardless, his the best boyfriend i've ever had and my family absolutely adore him. i fully understand the economy is worsened over the years but i'm not a believer in gender role socialisation so i believe that if we work hard and together we can have a good life.

 

i cant wait to married and there's no else id love to share my life with, but im starting to wonder if my dad is right as he says that 'finance is the biggest stress and breaker of marriage' its starting to worry me. now when i've never had to question it before. some one please help and put me out my misery!!

Edited September 10, 2012 by muffincake

[strongnrelaxed]

(am a girl) my boyfriend asked for my fathers hand in marriage as that is his tradition. my father told him that its completely up to me but welcomes him to family if i say yes.

my father told me as soon as i walked thought the door. yes am annoyed that he ruined my surprise proposal and i made that clear to him, but my main issue is that my father only did so because he assumes that my boyfriend of 3years will be unable to financially support me and he said that despite his great personality and love for me i will live a hard life with him and current economy. (im 20 his 26)

 

ive finish university next year (law degree) ill be qualified he's worked as a mechanic all his life but was made redundant when a company he worked for went bust. he has no saving and currently still living with family. he has had a few interviews and is constantly looking for a job. (not at all lazy, just unfortunate) i love him regardless, his the best boyfriend i've ever had and my family absolutely adore him. i fully understand the economy is worsened over the years but i'm not a believer in gender role socialisation so i believe that if we work hard and together we can have a good life.

 

i cant wait to married and there's no else id love to share my life with, but im starting to wonder if my dad is right as he says that 'finance is the biggest stress and breaker of marriage' its starting to worry me. now when i've never had to question it before. some one please help and put me out my misery!!

 

Why MUST you get married? If you love him, why not just live together happily ever after?

 

Think about it - he has no assets, so the marriage contract doesn't really serve any purpose for you as the woman. In fact, it will harm you if you do get married!

 

You can have children, you can do everything you want to do. Wear rings, change your name, live together. Everything makes sense. There are contracts for all of that stuff.

 

Marriage is a huge mistake. Listen to your father. He is trying to talk sense to you. You are a woman, so I suspect this will not work.

 

But hey - your father tried and I tried.

 

Good luck

[TaraMaiden]

Hmmmm.....

 

strongnrelaxed has a point....

[CarrieT]

At 20, you don't need to jump into marriage and will learn a LOT about yourself in the next few years.

 

Your Dad is trying to save you a lot of pain and anguish and we here are as well...

[Art_Critic]

Hmmmm.....

 

strongnrelaxed has a point....

 

Which one.... that marriage only benefits a woman if he has assets ? and having children or changing your name isn't a reason to get married either.

or the part about her being a woman so talking sense into her won't work..

 

I do agree though that the father is trying to save her the pain of a failed marriage, sometimes parents can see the train wreck ahead on the tracks from their experience as elders and certainly wouldn't want their daughter to go thru any pain.

 

I think CarrieT is right as well...

Edited September 10, 2012 by Art_Critic

[sally4sara]

Marriages break up for lots of reasons. Marriages continue despite lots of stressors. The more you know about your wants and needs, they better equipped you are to choosing the right partner for to weather the stressors on a marriage and be successful at it and happy.

 

At 20, you are still learning about you, what you want and would like. Its very possible you have yet discover all your needs to even be able to identify them let alone articulate them to a potential partner. You love the guy and that's great and he says he loves you and that also is great. The both of you should honor those feelings and each other enough to put much time into examining your overall compatibility BEFORE going after that wedding day. Rushing speaks of a lack of fortitude. Right now you're not married and you speak of this like its unbearable - you can't wait till this situation ends and a new one starts. Imagine this same feeling when anything hard comes along. Will you have the fortitude and maturity to wait out a bad situation or will you rush to an ending no matter the cost?

[I'm nuts]

No one, well most people at your age are not making serious money especially in these times, loads of well educated people are struggling to find a good job, I don't know where you are from but here in Europe young people have been screwed over by bankers and politicians, it's not his fault he lost his job, at least he has a skill!

 

It's a no win situation, very few jobs, low pay and houses that cost a fortune just to get on the first rung, life is pretty crappy and getting married t will only make it worse.

 

I'd wait for a good few years, why is everyone so eager to get married?, I can't work it out, I know I was once you side of the fence but man it's a great life being single.

Edited September 10, 2012 by I'm nuts

[darkmoon]

...so this guy, he understands that he will be the home-maker as you are the breadwinner?

and is he ok with that?

 

has he shown full agreement with your gender role socialiation views or are you assuming so?

 

for most men, housework is womens' work - the blossoms of love are clouding your judgement, imho

i've seen plenty wives having to be both home-maker and breadwinner too = two jobs compared to the guy's easy life of no job

Edited September 10, 2012 by darkmoon

[muffincake]

thank u all for ur helpful replies

 

to strongnrelaxed: i might have neglected to mention that im an active Christian and do not believe in sex before marriage (obviously still a V). yes its a very old fashioned view but its one that i've been brought up to hold.

i completely appreciate u all seeing no point in getting married as in today's times with divorce rates and modernity one need not marry as like you all mentioned you can do all a married couple does without all the expenses of legal commitment.

 

knowing myself i can confirm that i've no intent of ever having children with a man that i am not married to (again old fashioned view but cant be helped) i don't want to marry because of the legal/political contract. it rather a more religious for me to be worthy and married according to my beliefs rather than for the social norms or values.

 

if i don't marry my current boy friend it would b someone else (which isn't v likely for me) so surely its better to marry the person i love and face the consequences and social-economical strains o am i being 'blinded by love'?

[strongnrelaxed]

Which one.... that marriage only benefits a woman if he has assets ? and having children or changing your name isn't a reason to get married either.

or the part about her being a woman so talking sense into her won't work..

 

 

All of the above...

 

[strongnrelaxed]

thank u all for ur helpful replies

 

to strongnrelaxed: i might have neglected to mention that im an active Christian and do not believe in sex before marriage (obviously still a V). yes its a very old fashioned view but its one that i've been brought up to hold.

i completely appreciate u all seeing no point in getting married as in today's times with divorce rates and modernity one need not marry as like you all mentioned you can do all a married couple does without all the expenses of legal commitment.

 

knowing myself i can confirm that i've no intent of ever having children with a man that i am not married to (again old fashioned view but cant be helped) i don't want to marry because of the legal/political contract. it rather a more religious for me to be worthy and married according to my beliefs rather than for the social norms or values.

 

if i don't marry my current boy friend it would b someone else (which isn't v likely for me) so surely its better to marry the person i love and face the consequences and social-economical strains o am i being 'blinded by love'?

I wish you the best of luck.

 

These are very nice sentiments and I really do understand how you feel.

 

Life is so crazy. There is no way to talk reason in such circumstances. I too find myself still trusting a little more than I should - because what would life be like without trusting ANYONE. I wouldn't want to live that way, so I take risks and let people in.

 

But that comes from a place of strong confidence and a lot of experience. Not naivete.

 

Hold onto these posts if you can. Print a few out. Not too long ago I really cried on the inside thinking about all the older men I ignored when I was younger. My youthful enthusiasm, optimism, and arrogance led me to enter into a horrible contract (marriage) and now I am paying the price - along with three children and an ex wife and everyone else around us.

 

As politically incorrect as it may sound, and maybe the rantings of a bitter old man, I hope that you will at least consider these words and at least hold off until you are in your 30's. If you feel the need to rush this, that is the first sign that something is off.

[CarrieT]

if i don't marry my current boy friend it would b someone else (which isn't v likely for me) so surely its better to marry the person i love and face the consequences and social-economical strains o am i being 'blinded by love'?

 

Yes, I think you are blinded by love AND youth...

 

And, as a person who has a law degree, you will be meeting many people who are going to be as well-educated as yourself. Your circle is going to expand with the people in your career and I fear you will start to resent your mechanic BF/husband.

 

You will have a lot on your plate finishing your degree and then getting your career off the ground to enter into such a relationship.

[mitchell]

Yes, I think you are blinded by love AND youth...

 

And, as a person who has a law degree, you will be meeting many people who are going to be as well-educated as yourself. Your circle is going to expand with the people in your career and I fear you will start to resent your mechanic BF/husband.

 

You will have a lot on your plate finishing your degree and then getting your career off the ground to enter into such a relationship.

 

There's much wisdom in this statement. Ponder it carefully and take it to heart.

[RiverRunning]

I disagree with those who are providing specific ages by which to get married (i.e, "Wait until you're 25/30/70"). Usually this advice comes from people who were bitterly divorced and they feel they married too young.

 

While their experiences are certainly helpful, they don't seem to realize that their opinions are biased in the OTHER extreme - while on one hand you may be going, "I'm totally ready at 20!" They're going, "Gods no, I married at 19 and it ended horribly!" What's true for one individual isn't necessarily true for the population. I know way too many 30, 40 and 50 somethings who couldn't make a long-term relationship like I can, and I'm in my mid-20s.

 

I do see red herrings, though. Because finances DO play a major role in relationship stress, and that's often independent of age. My parents have been married for 33 years - my mom was still a teenager and my dad was in his mid-20s. They didn't prepare adequately for marriage: neither had really had any bills, my dad was a factory worker (my mom was unemployed and uneducated) and so on. Their marriage has been miserable almost the whole way through. Money is VERY important and it IS one of the top two reasons couples split.

 

One of the other issues is that you are head-in-the-clouds about this: you're talking about your virginity, you'll only have kids after you marry, etc. Please don't take this the wrong way - I'm not saying those are bad ideas. I think they can be VERY good. What I'm concerned about is that they seem to be the primary things you're focused on. Getting married so you can have sex or have kids isn't likely to bode well for a marriage. Again, I know of multitudes of divorced couples who can say the same.

 

They married in their teens or early 20s, got their rocks off...and lo and behold it was not what they expected. Had a friend who saved herself, married...turns out he was REALLY into having her pretend to be dead, then he'd have sex with her. As you might imagine, the marriage didn't last long.

 

I don't really get a sense of how you feel about your boyfriend from your posts. It's also hard to tell when you say:

 

"if i don't marry my current boy friend it would b someone else (which isn't v likely for me) so surely its better to marry the person i love and face the consequences and social-economical strains..."

 

Why wouldn't it be very likely for you? Is it for religious reasons - or do you have low self-esteem and you believe your boyfriend is the only person you can get? Judging by the length of time you've been together, is he your first and only boyfriend?

 

If it is low self-esteem, I'm begging you to reconsider. Granted, I was about your age when I started my first relationship. I held onto him for so long, and I believe he did it for the same reason, because I was terrified that I was too ugly and too fat to meet anybody else, so I may as well stick with what I know. In the end, I'm glad that I left...three days later I met my boyfriend, and a few months after that we started dating.

 

I do think you may have other things in life to experience before getting engaged. Like finishing up your degree. Getting your foot in the door with work - if your boyfriend were financially stable, I'd say that getting a strong hold on work before marriage isn't as much of a necessity. But since you're going to be the breadwinner, I'd say you really need to be established before you consider marriage.

 

I don't know what the right age is for you to get married, OP. In my area, it's very common that women are engaged by their early to mid 20s. But, this is more of a blue-collar area where most people get undergrads and start having families, if they go to college at all. The pace of life here is different than it may be for those living in big cities or in rural areas. But everyone is going to tell you a different age based on their own experiences. I can tell you that when I was your age, I was NOT ready for marriage - but again, I am an individual. I am not representative of the entire population.

 

The statistics do suggest that couples who are under 25 when they marry are more likely to divorce. I'll have to dig through the source, but marital satisfaction actually starts dropping if couples choose to get married after the mid-30s or so (and so, divorces rise). So, 25 - 35 seems to be the magic marriage age.

 

So, basically, your standpoint on religion/virginity is a red flag for me. Even if you get married and stay together, I worry that it will not be a happy union for you. The lack of work opportunities are troubling to me. And I'll admit to being a bit biased and concerned about the ages of both of you - that paired with what appears to be a lack of dating experience, possibly low self-esteem/fear of not meeting anyone else, etc.

[muffincake]

thank u so very much for ur reply indeed i am a virgin (only because i dont believe in sx before marriage,own decision) but im certainly not insecure or have low self esteem, i've have plenty BFs before him and its been great the only reason im with my current bf is because he make me happy and i absolutely adore him. like him i don't see my self being with anyone else.

 

knowing him and myself i believe that we would be happy together we've lived together over 6months and still ive found no issues o any dislikes that makes me question it. i appreciate that u think i have my head in the clouds and agreed i am besotted by him and care for him extremely. i believe that we will have a long happy life together. i do however appreciate the idea of getting my foot in the door first in regards to education and a career.

 

i should mention that he proposed to me on our holiday in Paris (eiffel tower) and of course i said yes. we are planning to get married end of next year though dates not official. i did also discuss the issue of him not working and i swore that he will look after me and work extremely hard to provide for us which i completely believe as his never been one to sit at home...it just happens at this moment in time that his unemployed.

 

p.s i can get whoever i want im a fine looking girl and i just happen to love my bf that's all nothing to do with self esteem mine could b any higher.