I think I'm going to breakup with him because he doesn't want to marry me

[CarolineNYC]

And I'm heartbroken. But after 4 years of being together (and living together for basically 2 of those years) my boyfriend insists that he needs "more time and less pressure" to decide if he wants to marry me.

 

He is the one who brought up marriage about a year and a half ago and was all for it. He went so far as calling my parents and getting their consent and speaking to my brothers. We're of different religions and in order for us to marry, it was really important for him that I learn about his religion. Which I did, and have no problem with. In fact I enjoy it and look forward to his holidays more than mine. That was such a big hurdle for us at the time, it meant so much to him that I was willing to do that for us.

 

It seemed that once everything became a real possibility, his desire to marry just went straight out the window. As soon as he got my parents blessing and the issue of religion worked out, he lost interest in the whole idea of marriage. All of the stuff about getting their blessing and working out the religions was a year and a half ago and in that time, I waited patiently for a proposal that never came. I never mentioned marriage in a pressuring way. It wasn't until I began to grow frustrated that I asked, what happened to all of the marriage things that we discussed?

 

I knew he didn't need a year and a half to save for a ring/house/savings/get a better job, etc. He's 38 and has a great, well paying job.

 

His answers? We fight too much, we don't have wild enough sex, he has other things on his mind that he needs to work out, his parents/friends/extended families divorces have him feeling "iffy" about marriage.

 

I can tell you, and I've told him this as well, the not having sex as much issue is very real because when I'm not feeling connected to someone, I don't feel sexually attracted to them. And thinking that a man is so in love with you and wants to propose to you, then having month after month after month go by and having that turn into almost 2 years of no proposal and less talk of marriage, it got to me. I could feel that he was changing his mind and when I would mention things about marriage, his reaction was so dismissive that I could feel that his attraction to marrying me was changing. That hurts.

 

After 4 years, I'm done playing house. As things are now, he expects me to spend as much time with him as we used to. He gets frustrated when I stay at my apartment and not with him. He likes for me to cook, clean, do laundry, care for him. He wants us to go on vacations, travel together. He even talks about us moving together to another country to open a business like his friend did. He likes for us to basically live like we're married. His answer now is that he doesn't want to talk about marriage anymore and that he wants to get married "someday" and he wants kids "someday", but not now.

 

He's in his late 30's and we've been dating for that amount of time. I feel that if he wanted to marry me, he would have. My friends are getting engaged and married all around me and it's hard. It's really really hard to watch and participate in other peoples happiness and have them ask "So what's going on with you two?? When's the big day for you guys?!"

 

I feel like we've crossed that "if it was going to happen at all, it would have happened by now" line and now it's becoming wasted time.

 

I keep going back and forth between "I'm obsessing and four years isn't that long, give it more time" to "He's 39 and has marriage material in front of him and doesn't want it. Get a clue." The religion thing hits me hard. That was such a big deal for us and it just meant the world to him that I was willing to have a family and raise our kids under his religion. Now, he still expects me to participate in his religion, and gets frustrated if I don't do things on my own, but now he says that I should be doing it "for me and not for him".

 

I'm so hurt and lost and confused. I love him very much and want to be with him so much. But I also want a family. I want to move on if that's what I need to do. I'm in my late 20's and I don't really feel that I have the time to hang on to a relationship that's probably not going anywhere.

[pteromom]

Four years is PLENTY of time.

 

I think the reasons he's given are legitimate. You fight too much. Your sex life isn't something he'd want to commit to a lifetime of.

 

Do you agree that these two areas need some work in your relationship? If so, work on FIXING them.

 

I wouldn't want to marry someone if we were fighting and having poor quality sex either.

 

If you don't agree with him and think there is nothing to fix, maybe he's just not the right one for you.

[Mycteria]

In the two years prior to marriage talk, asking the parents, getting involved in his religion, how was your sex life? Did you fight then?

[CarolineNYC]

Thank you for your insight.

 

I agree we do fight/disagree a lot lately. And sex now is different than it was when we started dating.

 

I am NOT in any way trying to put the blame solely on him when I say this because I know there are times when I need to pick my battles, but, he is a very passionate person about his ideas and feelings. He can argue forever about why one soccer team is better than the other. If I disagree with him, it turns into what he calls a fight. We're not yelling, we're not throwing things. We're just not seeing eye to eye.

 

And since he's a passionate person and likes to have an opinion on everything from which hand cream is more moisturizing to who a better presidential candidate is, if I don't agree with him, than we're fighting. Yelling and arguing and disagreeing and discussing and having differing opinions is all in the same boat in his eyes.

 

That's one of MY issues with him. That we can't disagree on anything without him getting bent out of shape. He feels like since we're so in love, we should love the same shows, movies, cookies, art, etc. I try to tell him it doesn't work like that. He doesn't see it that way.

 

And the sex has dwindled in the last year and a half. It's so hard for me to be so loving a passionate with him when I know he's so "whatever" about marriage now. I feel like he's using me for everything and not feeling the need to honor what's important to me.

 

But it's a vicious cycle. I feel like if we started having sex more like we used to, things could get better. But I don't know if I can (or should) convince myself to be okay having sex with a man who doesn't want to commit to me.

[planetpower]

4 years is more than enough time and unfortunately some couples do grow apart. See if you both can work on this. If he's lost all interest, your best bet would be to move on and not keep spending your time and effort on something that may not happen.

[norajane]

A 39 year old man who's been dating someone for 4 years and says he needs "more time" is stringing you along. He doesn't want to get married, maybe not to you and maybe not ever.

 

You can't change his mind. You can only decide what YOU want, and if you want marriage, you'd best look elsewhere. If you want children, you aren't going to be able to spend years and years waiting for someone who may or may not want to get married someday. You don't have time to waste on people who aren't serious about commitment. He can wait forever as he doesn't have the kind of biological clock that you do.

[january2011]

I agree with the others, four years is plenty of time (including 2 years living together), especially at his age and given that his circumstances seem very stable.

 

Having done a lot of legwork already, he's coming up with all these excuses and reasons not to get married. It also seems like a catch-22 regarding intimacy.

 

I know it is very painful but if all you can feel is growing resentment then perhaps it would be better to cut your losses and start again. This would be better than waiting a few more years only to have your relationship deteriorate further, resulting in marriage being even further from his mind.

[pteromom]

That's one of MY issues with him. That we can't disagree on anything without him getting bent out of shape. He feels like since we're so in love, we should love the same shows, movies, cookies, art, etc. I try to tell him it doesn't work like that. He doesn't see it that way.

 

This is a HUGE red flag.

 

You realize this would never change, right? That a marriage would be a series of ridiculous arguments over unimportant topics. That he'd never support you in any choice he didn't agree with 100%.

 

I think I would view his resistance to marriage as a blessing in disguise, and would move on to find someone who CELEBRATES your differences, and who loves and accepts you for exactly who you are, even if you like a different kind of cookies.

[Radu]

This is a HUGE red flag.

 

You realize this would never change, right? That a marriage would be a series of ridiculous arguments over unimportant topics. That he'd never support you in any choice he didn't agree with 100%.

 

I think I would view his resistance to marriage as a blessing in disguise, and would move on to find someone who CELEBRATES your differences, and who loves and accepts you for exactly who you are, even if you like a different kind of cookies.

 

Damn it pteromom, beat me to it.

That one jumped at me too.

 

Truth be told, if he wanted that much similarity he would either stare in a puddle for the rest of his natural life or marry his gay twin [if he had one].

 

After 1.5yrs of wishy-washy behaviour it's understandable that you got this way, and it's understandable for sex to feel like a chore [from a woman's pov anyway] ...

He sounds like a 39yr old teenager.

 

What religion and what country is he from ?

And for the hard question that no-one asked in this thread, how old are you ?

[CarolineNYC]

I'm 29. While I know that that's not exactly up there, I definitely am feeling like I'm no longer in a place to hang on to something that's not working. I don't think I have that kind of time anymore.

 

He's Jewish. He was born and raised in the US but his family is European.

[Lauriebell82]

Were these issues that he has mentioned a problem a year 1/2 ago? It's possible that when engagement became "real" he may have needed to come up with additional reasons (once religion issue was resolved) why marriage is not in the cards right now. I too agree that 4 years is plenty of time to be ready to marry someone. He seems like he is just stalling.

[Radu]

Someone needs to say it.

 

What religion are you, and how does his family feel about you ?

Especially his mom.

[CarolineNYC]

I'm Christian. His family is fine with me- most of them have a "whatever makes you happy even though that's not what I would do" attitude. Others have welcomed me and seem to enjoy watching and helping me to learn about this religion. His mother isn't in the picture so that isn't a factor.

 

I'm not feeling like there are external forces at work here. I don't think there's anyone who is pressuring him not to get married. Although there are plenty of people (in his family oddly enough) who are pressing him to marry me.

 

I feel like Lauriebell82 is right. I think that when it was just this distant possibility, he was all gung ho about marriage. Then once it became a real thing and the only thing left was for him to ask the question, he freaked out. And that's fine. Marriage is a huge step and not something that people should go into without feeling good about what they're planning to do. I just feel like it's not right that I should sit around and wait for him to decide when/if he feels like things are right. And once something becomes "right", he seems to come up with another excuse why things aren't.

 

And I think the lack of communication on his part is what makes it worse. If his cousin starts in on the "Hey man, when are you going to make it official with this girl?!" jokes and saying things like "I'll marry her if you don't", he opens up and starts talking about how we're moving in that direction and feeling things out and so on.

 

Then that's where it ends. He doesn't communicate anything to me, he never tells me where his mind is at. I'm just flying blind on this. It's not a good feeling at all.

Edited September 1, 2012 by CarolineNYC

[It's Just Me]

You are being very brave in questioning where this is going - it's hard to give the status quo a shake, and I applaud you. From where I sit... it's not going to happen, and you'd best tell him that you're thinking of moving on, and why. Then, sit back and see what happens.

 

He may surprise you. He may disappoint you. He may do absolutely nothing. As long as you are prepared to stick to your bottom line, just do it. If you do not think that you can stick to your bottom line, say nothing until you know that you can.

 

Gawd, I really dislike wafflers. I have no patience for them.

[Standard-Fare]

One question that I think is very relevant: Do you definitely want kids? (It sounds like you do.)

 

If it weren't for that, you wouldn't need to worry about a timeline. And honestly I do think a lot of women get way too caught up obsessing over marriage, considering it some sort of life-saver, and ruining good relationships with that pressure.

 

But if you're 29 and you want kids and you've been in this relationship for four years, it's totally valid for you to need a firm commitment from him -- or if he can't give that, for you to walk away.

 

I've seen what happens when a situation like yours prolongs itself further. I have a friend who is 34, definitely wants kids, and has been in a relationship for five years with a guy who has promised her a future but just can't get it together to achieve that. (i.e. he's still working on establishing a career, still LIVES WITH MOM, etc.) The point of miserable tension their relationship has reached is ridiculous, and they fight constantly. But I think my friend feels trapped at this point, feeling like she doesn't have the time or emotional energy to start over from scratch with a brand-new relationship. So either this guy is going to completely screw over her future, or they're going to build a marriage on a very strained and shaky foundation. Either way it sucks.

 

Don't put yourself in that spot. Make firm moves to end it with this guy. One of two results will come from that: 1) He sees the light, realizes that he's acting like a frightened baby and needs to pull it together, or 2) He doesn't -- in which case you are better off moving on without him.

[Standard-Fare]

One question that I think is very relevant: Do you definitely want kids? (It sounds like you do.)

 

If it weren't for that, you wouldn't need to worry about a timeline. And honestly I do think a lot of women get way too caught up obsessing over marriage, considering it some sort of life-saver, and ruining good relationships with that pressure.

 

But if you're 29 and you want kids and you've been in this relationship for four years, it's totally valid for you to need a firm commitment from him -- or if he can't give that, for you to walk away.

 

I've seen what happens when a situation like yours prolongs itself further. I have a friend who is 34, definitely wants kids, and has been in a relationship for five years with a guy who has promised her a future but just can't get it together to achieve that. (i.e. he's still working on establishing a career, still LIVES WITH MOM, etc.) The point of miserable tension their relationship has reached is ridiculous, and they fight constantly. But I think my friend feels trapped at this point, feeling like she doesn't have the time or emotional energy to start over from scratch with a brand-new relationship.

 

Don't put yourself in that spot. Make firm moves to end it with this guy. One of two results will come from that: 1) He sees the light, realizes that he's acting like a frightened baby and needs to pull it together, or 2) He doesn't -- in which case you are better off moving on without him.

[CarolineNYC]

I do want kids, very much. I'm 29 and I love to travel and I love to spend my money on myself and I love my free time. So I'm not going crazy about having kids right now. But I definitely want children and I don't want to be in my mid/late thirties to start having them.

 

I think what I'm going to do from now on is stay at my apartment and start disengaging with the relationship as it is. We've had the hard talks and the tears. He knows exactly where I stand and what I need from him and he also knows that I'm not going to sit around for years and wait for him to stop making excuses. I'm done with him wanting me to play housewife. He's getting everything he wants and not giving what I need in return.

 

I think pulling back will be a good thing for both of us. It will give me space to see if I'm just used to being with him and am afraid to be alone, because if that's the case, I'd like to know that now. It'll be good for him because he totally takes what we have for granted. If he comes to his senses, he knows where to find me, I just hope that happens before I reach a point where I'm totally done. But if that's how it is to be, then that's how it will be.

[irin]

He likes for me to cook, clean, do laundry, care for him.

 

why oh why would you do this?

does he clean for you?

 

you are not his maid.

[RiverRunning]

I was with my partner for nearly 4 years collectively when we got engaged, although we're younger (mid to late 20s). I know that one way or another, I was not going past 4 years together without a proposal. It was either "you're in, or you're out" at that point. Especially in your case.

 

He's had 4 years. The statistics are out there - a guy who is in his mid-to-late 30s and has never married is a poor marriage prospect to begin with. Don't get me wrong - there are plenty of men who just haven't met the right woman (I have a friend who met his future wife...his first marriage...at 47. And he's a wonderful guy!).

 

But at his age, given his financial circumstances and all, I see no reason why he's dawdled this long. After 3 years, he should've known. Four years is absurd. You either know, or you don't at some point. **** or get off the pot, right?

 

Getting engaged is a scary prospect. I'll never forget when my engagement became a reality and no longer just a, "Sure, someday" thing. The first few weeks were a definite adjustment period. I know that my SO had the same reaction as he went to buy the ring and it was finally concrete. It's a shock to the system for a lot of people. But the point is...you have to anticipate it and press on. Your boyfriend just gave up after some of the work, deciding he wanted to press on no further.

 

My inclination is that he's never going to marry you. At 29, you still have time, although i agree that if you intend to have children, you have a clock going (generally, it's advised women start having kids by 30 and finish up by 35). You have already spent 4 years with this guy - I don't think you can afford another year or two waiting for him to come around.

 

I think the best bet is, as you say, to distance yourself. Start going on dates with other people and live your life as though he doesn't exist. If he's SERIOUS, he can pursue you and try to make amends. In the meantime, I really think you should go out, date a little, have some fun, and find someone with a similar lifestyle.

 

I'll agree with many of the others that his attitude about doing all of the same things is troubling. A person who cannot cope with differences, no matter how minor, is not a good marriage prospect. What if you have kids and, 15 years down the line, they start developing a personality that clashes with his? I see him as the type who would batter any dissent into submission - and you'd wind up having emotionally stunted children.

 

OP, you could very well get back out into the dating market and be married by 31 or 32 - to a partner who is SERIOUS about marriage and is SERIOUS about spending his life with you. Why the Hell would you consider uprooting your life and moving to another country for a BOYFRIEND? I know that I never would.

[CarolineNYC]

why oh why would you do this?

does he clean for you?

 

you are not his maid.

 

 

No, no, no. Notice that I said he "likes" for me to cook and clean and care for him. That's doesn't mean I do it. Lol! When I feel like cooking, I cook. If I don't feel like it, I don't. I like to cook and experiment and he enjoys when I make things and let him be the taste tester. He likes the type of laundry detergent I use and the way it smells.

 

To give credit where credit is due, he cooks way more than I do. And he vacuums and does dishes. He's not a "my little woman does everything and I do nothing cause I'm a man" type of guy.

 

He just likes when I do those things. And I can see why. However, I'm not into playing house. I'm not going to play 1950's housewife for a man who is wishy washy about marriage.

 

It's like he wants all of the perks of having a woman in his life all the time, but he doesn't want to make the commitment.

 

The thing that's so hard about this is that we have a good relationship. Yes there are things that we could definitely work on to make us better and stronger. I think all relationships have things to work on. My issue is that he's making excuses to not get married yet he enjoys our relationship and wants it to continue as is.

[Lauriebell82]

No, no, no. Notice that I said he "likes" for me to cook and clean and care for him. That's doesn't mean I do it. Lol! When I feel like cooking, I cook. If I don't feel like it, I don't. I like to cook and experiment and he enjoys when I make things and let him be the taste tester. He likes the type of laundry detergent I use and the way it smells.

 

To give credit where credit is due, he cooks way more than I do. And he vacuums and does dishes. He's not a "my little woman does everything and I do nothing cause I'm a man" type of guy.

 

He just likes when I do those things. And I can see why. However, I'm not into playing house. I'm not going to play 1950's housewife for a man who is wishy washy about marriage.

 

It's like he wants all of the perks of having a woman in his life all the time, but he doesn't want to make the commitment.

 

The thing that's so hard about this is that we have a good relationship. Yes there are things that we could definitely work on to make us better and stronger. I think all relationships have things to work on. My issue is that he's making excuses to not get married yet he enjoys our relationship and wants it to continue as is.

 

 

I think you have the right attitude. And you are right on the money about the things you have said. I think it would be a good idea to disengage, HOWEVER do not do give him the idea that this is some kind of "test." I think that will freak him out more. He'll probably ask why you are acting more distant, a good answer would be "if we (notice I said we) are going to be taking things slow, then I think it would be a good idea to give each other some space." Then it's not all about marriage, but you are giving him your bottom line. So it's not all about him anymore, it's about you as well.

 

It's still possible that he may come around, I know people who dated for 4+ years and ended up getting married. I vote that you should stay in the relationship, but give yourself some space from him. If he wants a wife then he is going to have to make you one.

[strongnrelaxed]

So many people on this forum and others spell out all of these signs, behaviors, challenges, etc. in their relationships, yet still feel conflicted. This is normal because feelings are, almost by definition, not rational.

 

But when it comes to marriage, all we can rely on is our rational side - common sense, good judgment, hell I will even take intuition.

 

You will never change another person. You can only change you. For many many reasons (some are beyond what you have stated explicitly) you two are clearly not a match.

 

It is common for people who care for us to offer hope. This is nice and kind, but ultimately wrong for us. This guy is not a fit and you should back off and move on. This is easy for me to say, I know. But think about what happens once children are involved? Then it becomes very tricky indeed.

 

I wish more people had your courage to ask these questions early on. There were be fewer needless marriages, fewer broken families, fewer divorces, and fewer suicides.

 

Don't marry this man. Find a man who is a better fit for you. There are many out there.

[xxoo]

You aren't even married yet, and already you each have resentments and distrust brewing between you, and are growing apart.

 

Marriage wouldn't fix these problems. If you can not communicate openly and sort out your issues together now, it won't be easier when you are married--and you won't have any fewer issues to sort out. The patterns you see now (him evading the issues, you pulling back from sex) would likely continue into your marriage when new issues came up.

[CarolineNYC]

I started a thread about this back in September and I wanted to post an update here because I got such great support from posters here.

 

My bf and I broke up. And while its been hard, I feel like I did the right thing by following through. I posted this back in September and by November I just couldn't take it anymore. The excuses and foot dragging. Me biting my tongue and his ignoring the elephant in the room.

 

So we broke up. And now he's ready to get married. Up until the very day we broke up, he was (his exact words) "paralyzed with fear about marriage. Comfortable with the status of our relationship as it was. Didn't want to mess things up with marriage, wants to be with me forever but freezes up thinking about marriage."

 

That's how he was feeling when we discussed things for the last time. I called it quits after that and told him why. I love him, love what we had but can't be in a relationship any longer with a man who is so afraid of marriage. It's not fair. He wasn't happy of course but understood.

 

A week later, he's ready. Ready to get married, ready to have kids. Doesn't want to lose me forever. Wants to propose and wants me to be okay with that. No more "waiting to see where things go". He says to continue to be at my apartment, continue living as I have been and he'll propose because he wants me to see that he's serious. He doesn't want me to start staying at the house and worry that we'll get back into things and time will pass and he won't propose. He wants me to know that he feels that he only deserves to have me in his life if he does it the right way. So now we'll get married and ill move in to the house and do things as I've wanted.

 

All of this sounds great and is what I've wanted. It just hurts that its only happening because I ended things. I know in my heart that if I didn't pull back and put the breaks on things that he'd never be saying these things.

 

I don't know if my pride is in the way, but I just can't get past that. He feels like things are complicated sometimes and he knows this isn't how things should have been but to focus on the important things. The fact that he's ready now. I'm feeling like I want a man who decides to marry me because he wants to. Not because he HAS to.

 

It's a confusing situation. Lots of conflicting emotions right at the surface. I love him but I hate how all of this has turned out. I miss him but I'm happy to be free from the resentment that was building. I want a life with him. But I feel like he's doing this under duress. Or should I just focus on the "better late than never" aspect? I'm confused and heartbroken.

 

Anyway, just thought I'd update.

Edited January 2, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[samsungxoxo]

Yeah it doesn't sound like he's doing it out of his free will but only because you broke it off.

I think you should go NC and don't look back. My new rule for me, if I break up with a man that won't commit to me there is no second chance.

 

His loss. It sounds more like a ''Ok, I'll marry you..don't go'' proposal. Not a sincere one. Move on.